Hi everyone, Happy New Year! Yeah, I know I'm a little late, but I hope you all had a fabulous one! I've finally managed to get this one out for you. I'm on holidays now and the fam goes back to work/school in another week, so hopefully I can get a wriggle on and get some more written.
I'm sorry I haven't replied to the reviews from the last chapter, I promise to do that soon. For those who haven't yet read Into The Light, go read it! It's the companion to this one and it has some answers already. I will have another chapter of that one done soon too.
A huge thank you to the wonderful guest reviewer. Lots of questions there, that will be answered in time :)
Hugest smooches to whoever nominated me in the Fandom Awards. I didn't get further than the first round, but I was totally blown away to even be acknowledged. So thank you! xx
A very big Happy Birthday to my beta, Donna! Hope you have a wonderful day! xx
I think this may be the chapter you're waiting for, so on with the story!
ps. I've tinkered so any mistakes are mine.
Standing in the bathroom, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don't recognize the face staring back at me—I haven't for a very long time. Although my face has filled out in the last few weeks, and the dark circles under my eyes are not so pronounced, the lines around my eyes and mouth are still deeply etched. I look years older than 25. I frown, watching my eyebrows curve inward and the line across my nose sink deeper. Rinsing the razor in the sink, I take one last look in the mirror and wipe my face off with a damp towel. The tumbler of whisky I placed on the side of the counter mocks me. I've never been much of a drinker and didn't start after Senna died either. But tonight I need a little Dutch courage.
It's been a little over a month since I saw Alice and Jasper and she casually mentioned getting together for some drinks. Well, Alice's casual is about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Each time I have spoken to her since, she drops hints about it. I'd been thinking about it more and finally relented. When I agreed, she jumped in with both feet and made the arrangements before I could back out.
Now that the night is actually here I'm having second thoughts. I take a swig of the whiskey, appreciating the burn as it slides down my throat. Carrying the tumbler with me, I shuffle through the closet trying to find something to wear. It's been so long since I've worn much more than sweats and t-shirts, I'm not sure what fits me anymore. Jeans are ok with belts, but shirts hang from my too thin frame. I grab a shirt and flannel, with the smallest pair of jeans that I have. The bar is casual, so I should be fine.
I finish dressing and splash on a bit of cologne. It was Senna's favorite, and the smell brings back a flood of memories. She bought it for me the first Christmas we were in the house. We were curled up on the rug in front of the fire, the tree glowing brightly in the corner of the room. She nuzzled her nose into my neck and told me it was her favorite scent of all. We made slow, passionate love in front of the fire and made promises of forever. We were young; barely twenty-two when my first book sold and we used the initial check as a down payment on this place.
I shake myself from my memories and check the time. I still have another few minutes before they get here. Alice dropping by to pick me up is a ploy to make sure I go and I knew this would be her plan before she even suggested it. We've known each other far too long for her to not know I'd try to ditch at the last moment. A ring of the front doorbell alerts me that my time's up, and I'm most definitely not backing out now.
I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans before answering the door. Alice is standing on the front doorstep in a tight blue dress, her breasts spilling from the top.
"Oh...umm..wow." Jasper is standing behind Alice trying to suppress a laugh.
"I know right?" Alice adjusts her chest in her dress, palming them as she looks down. "Who woulda thought I needed a baby to grow some real boobs." She chuckles and pushes past me, a bag slung over her shoulder and Jasper in tow. It's been a long standing joke between us all that Alice would never grow a chest large enough to need a bra, but she looks pretty impressed with the ones she has now.
Alice wanders in and makes herself at home, grabbing a couple of shot glasses out of the cupboard and a bottle of vodka out of the bag. I groan at the thought of mixing drinks, but know I'm better off drinking up and shutting up than fighting her on it. She pushes one toward Jasper and me, then clinks our glasses together.
"Tonight is for Senna, my best friend, my sister who will forever be missed." She downs the drink in one go, then waits for us to do the same. I feel uncomfortable toasting to my beautiful wife, like we shouldn't be partying now that she's not here, but Alice puts the kibosh on that straight away.
"Stop it Edward. I can tell what you're thinking. This is a celebration, a party for our girl. She wanted this, and we're damn well going to give it to her. We'll be talking about the good old days all night." She chuckles as a wicked gleam sparkles in her eyes.
I shake my head, knowing that I won't win any kind of argument with her. "Ok, Alice. Just for tonight."
"Good. Now she would be really disappointed that all those years of trying to get you to dress decently haven't rubbed off." I scowl at her before she continues.
"Hold your horses, Edward. I'm just kidding. I knew you'd be struggling to find clothes—you've been the same weight ever since you finished college and you've lost so much now. So I picked these up for you today. I'd much rather you have something comfortable to wear, and then throw them away when you've filled out more." She shoves the bag into my hands and ushers me to get changed. "Go, hurry. We've got to meet Emmett at the bar soon."
I hot foot it up the stairs to our bedroom where I change quickly. The clothes are two sizes smaller than what I normally wear, but they are a better fit than the clothes I have. It hits home even more how much weight I have lost and how I haven't been looking after myself. I throw the clothes I was wearing on the bed and made my way back downstairs. Ally and Jasper are waiting by the front door, ready to go.
"Thank you, Ally," I say, wrapping her in a quick hug.
"You're more than welcome, Edward. At least you don't look so much like a homeless man now." With a pat on the cheek and a chuckle she heads out the door. I scowl at her once more as I lock the door behind us.
The bar isn't too far from my place, a quick ten minute drive. It's a smaller local joint, kind of a hole in the wall called 'JJ's'. Senna and I found the place not long after we moved in and it soon became a regular hangout. We fast became friends with the owners, James and Jess, and they would often join us for drinks when they weren't too busy.
We take a seat at the bar and wait patiently to be served. I spot Jess making her way back to the bar after clearing some tables, a cloth thrown over her shoulder and a tray in the other hand.
"Edward," she exclaims once she spies us sitting on the rustic stools. She tosses the rag over the polished wooden bar and wraps me in a one armed hug; the tray tucked tightly into her other side. "It's so damn good to see you." She squeezes once more before leaning back to look at my face. "Ally called and told me you'd be in. I've got your favorite booth ready. I'll grab your drinks and when James is free, we'll come join you for a round. On us."
"Jess, there's no need for that. I'd love to have a drink with you both though." She smiles a tight smile—one full of sympathy—the one I've tried to avoid from people for so long. She pats my arm and scoots back around the bar; pouring our first round of drinks so we can make our way to the booth. I check my watch and scan the bar for Emmett. He said he'd be here shortly after eight, which means nine by his standards. He wanders in a few minutes past nine, sending us a quick wave and heads to the bar to buy a beer. By the time he makes it to our table, Jamie and Jess are in tow. We've spent the last hour reminiscing, bringing up old memories, funny and sad. Some were painful like the time Senna and I split during senior year. It was all a sad case of misunderstandings and miscommunication, but I remember feeling at the time that my heart was going to break in two.
Jamie places a tray on the table and raises a shot glass of vodka in the air. "To Senna," he declares, downing the shot in one swallow and we all follow suit. An uncomfortable silence engulfs the table as if no one knows what to say next.
This is really the last thing I want to be doing now...reliving the past with people who have moved on in their lives. I feel like I'll forever be stagnant now, never going back, but never moving forward either. As nice as it's been catching up, I'm ready to be done and go back to my solitude. I feel like I've done my duty to my friends, it's time for me to go home so I can be in the quiet that I revere more than friendships nowadays. I know this makes me an awful person, but things change and I've changed along with them.
"I'm going to grab another drink," Emmett suddenly says, pushing his way through the crowd to the bar. I watch him sidle up to a blonde who looks just his type. I don't pay much attention, knowing that he's keen to be getting back on the dating wagon again. It's not somewhere I see myself in the near future, or the far future for that matter. Jamie and Jess have returned to their bar and Emmett's deep in conversation with his new friend.
Each passing minute feels like hours. I love our friends, and all they've done for me. For us. But this isn't me anymore. I'm the square peg in the round hole. I just don't fit anywhere anymore. It's hard keeping up with Alice's rambling, jumping from one topic to the next. She's always been a lush, and I guess not having a drink for a few months makes her drunk that much quicker. Benny and the Jets starts playing over the speakers and she jumps to her feet and starts doing this weird ass dance. Ever since she saw 27 Dresses with Senna, two of them would go berserk whenever the song came on. Instead of laughing at her antics as I would have previously I turn from her with tears in my eyes. It's just another reminder of what will never be again.
Alice is oblivious to my pain as Emmett makes his way back to the table, placing a large hand on my shoulder. "You ok, dude?" He asks, concerned enough to return to our seats.
"Yeah man, just hard ya know?" I answer, concentrating on my drink rather than the flailing of arms and legs that is Alice's dancing.
"I know. It's hard to do this without Sen. But this is what she wanted...she needed you to do this for yourself. It's just a few hours." I nod, and then tune out once Emmett starts to talk about the blonde he met at the bar. As happy for him as I am that he's moving on after Maggie, I can't ever imagine myself in that position.
"Oh shit!" Emmett's nudge breaks me out of my musings. I direct my attention to where he's pointing and find Alice a crumpled mess in Jasper's arms, tears and black makeup streaming down her delicate cheeks. I knew this was a bad idea, and that Alice of all people wouldn't be able to hold it together.
"Crap Ally, no. Not here," I say as I make my way to her. I've not been good at comforting other people during this whole process, and I feel even more awkward trying to calm her in the middle of a bar where anyone could be looking. I rub calming circles up and down her back, whispering words that are meant to ease the pain into her ear. I'm sure she can't hear me over the music, but Jasper is soon back with a glass of water and a tissue for her. I give her one last hug, and as I raise my head from her shoulder, I glance toward the bar.
I don't know what makes me look, but she's there; the figure that has haunted my dreams and waking hours for the past few weeks. I pass Alice off to Jasper quickly with the reassurance I'll be back in a second. The closer I get the more certain I am it's Senna. When you know someone for nearly half your life, you memorize every single thing about them. The curve of her hip, the way the jeans hug her thighs. The flowing locks of mahogany hair that fall down her back.
Her head is thrown back in laughter, a man's arm wrapped around her waist. They start to move off and I speed up my pushing through the crowds to catch up to them. I'm a few mere steps behind and not even thinking about what I'm doing. I'm on autopilot, acting on impulse rather than thinking through my actions first. I've seen her so many times now; I need to know who she is and what she's doing here. Because logic tells me there is no way it can be my dead wife, but I am seriously starting to lose my mind.
I grab onto her arm and she turns quickly, and it's the first time I've seen her face. She's the spitting image of my wife. A doppelgänger if you will. From the top of her dark wavy hair, to her almond shaped eyes, button nose, and heart-shaped face.
The guy with his arms around her waist is saying something, but all I see in my peripheral vision is his mouth opening and closing, seemingly getting angrier by the second. There are just too many similarities to call it a coincidence. She's the same, but different. I can't tear my eyes away from hers. Under the bright lights of the bar I, can see that they're not the cerulean blue of Senna's. They're brown - so very dark brown. I briefly wonder if it's the club atmosphere making them that color, or if they're for real.
The dude drops his arm from her waist and takes a menacing step toward me. I take my hand from her arm and hold them up in supplication as I mutter out a mumbled apology about mistaken identity and run for the door. I don't know what to make of this, but I won't find answers here.
I walk out into the cool Chicago air. A light mist has started to fall, signs that a short-lived thunderstorm is on its way. A crack of thunder echoes in the distance and I grip my hair in my hands, not knowing how to process what I've just seen. I take my phone from my pocket and message Emmett that I'm not feeling well and I'm heading home. My heart continues its frantic beat in my chest, the rush of adrenalin is not ready to disperse. It's definitely not the fight response that kicks in, but the flight. So I take off, my feet hitting the pavement as I run. To where, I don't know... but anywhere away from that deep dark hole of despair.
Hmmm so lots more questions for Edward huh? At least he knows he's not losing it *wink*
So, whatcha reading? I haven't been reading much, but have started on Bloodlines by Windchymes (You'll be proud of me Bree!) xx