The Acquisition of Memories

by BorneToFlow

Embarking on their honeymoon, Charles and Elsie begin to process the events of their wedding day and those leading up to it. A series of internal reflections; lengthy, fun & sometimes in-depth conversations; &, interspersed with requisite amounts of playful holiday fun & honeymoon adult times. From Ch19 rating is a tasteful but strong M. Some S5/6 JF canon is blissfully ignored.

41. Chapter 41- The Darkest Hour

The Acquisition of Memories. Chapter 41- The Darkest Hour

Disclaimer: I do not own them or profit from them-and I do I thank JF for them, but I also try to treat them better than a TV series ever could- I'll not deny it!

Sorry: Standard BorneToFlow nonsense- all included more for my own benefit than anyone else's! ; P

**WARNING:**

This chapter is LONG, I know it!

But I will not cut it up, even if it should be cut up… or cut out completely! This writing is quite an exercise in selfishness for me- I'll not deny this, either. However, around 7000 words of this chapter are my notes and musings- so do skip them entirely if they totally peeve you. I do know that they are distracting- but it is my process of understanding all of Charles and Elsie's' relationship- and when I finish this fiction, I sincerely promise to leave any writing of DA fan fiction to those of you out there who are far more respectful of their audience' needs! I believe after this, my story will end with 2-3 more, much shorter chapters, and then I will bid you all adieu.

Author Notes:

OK, so anyone who has been following me in the DA fanfic world will understand how much of a travesty I feel all of S6 and the post and some of the pre-wedding characterisation of Chelsie is. I am not known to shut up about it all really! Only recently have I come to see this is mainly being due to the fact that Charles and Elsie's obvious story arc was one of romance- and yet JF completely subverted (and poorly so) the literary conventions of the romance genre that we have come to expect, and so it all fell horribly flat, at least for me. More notes about that at the end of this chapter though.

Anyway, if you do not know my stance yet on all things DA yet, please go and read my full treatise on my profile page- my position has not ostensibly changed since I wrote that, although this whole fiction writing process has at least led me to better understanding Lady Mary and accepting her as a pretty meaty character with at least some redeeming qualities to her. And in lengthy PM conversations with fellow DA FF writer Edward Carson, I have probably come to dislike Edith a whole lot more! Go figure! Although, again, I would argue from my perspective, that this is more because her 'tragedy' story arc was also not handled very well by JF and he capitulated to audience demands for a Happily Ever After (HEA) for her, and no matter the cost to the people around her (namely, The Drewe's), when this HEA does not fit with our expectations for that particular genre of storytelling. In fact, if we take her story arc to be one of a Tragedy, then Edith probably should have got her comeuppance right and proper in the end and paid the price for having a fatal character flaw (which is probably envy) that she has refused to learn from… BUT!- I digress as per usual, and now that I have thrown it all out there, I will also faithfully refuse to write anymore DA fics- and certainly not about Edith!- whom I mostly mentally filtered out of my emotional responses to DA when the totally unlikeable plotline with the Drewes and Marigold started playing out in increasingly ridiculous ways. Edward Carson and I have vented back and forth extensively about the a-historical nature of all of this occurring and that will actually suffice for me- Sorry!

Anyway, Charles and Elsie have always been my real focus, and ultimately, this honeymoon fiction has been my way of making everything right in my own head and heart for them in the end- the much sort after HEA- (Happily Ever After) that the 'romance' genre requires to make it satisfying to read - and it can all happen so easily if the post-modernist penchant for disrupting standard genres to make some sort of literary point is ignored completely, and in the case of DA canon – most likely this could have/should have been the case with no loss to our ongoing viewing pleasure. Anyway, after all of this, I can safely leave Downton all behind me, having acquired enough happy memories of this loved up pair of old boobies to keep on dreaming with.

All that said, romance can actually provide the site for some really important cultural work and the self-actualisation needs for the writer and reader alike to occur. It should never be dismissed as purely fluff, I don't think. It is a narrative structure of huge importance to humans, and it can be very entertaining to boot, and so I have endeavoured to dig deeply into big things via Charles and Elsie.

BTW Mr Fellowes-

Please, please, PLEASE!- do NOT make a movie!... (although, I am sure I will still be dumb enough to go and watch it if you did, anyway!). Edward Carson's 1926 Downton Abbey fiction is doing a fine job of continuing the S6 canon that was. And apart from EC's great work, I will just always dismiss S6 in my own mind, anyway!

Moving on:

Throughout all of my reading and research and re-watching of S1-5 and a few pre –wedding S6 eps, there has arisen another travesty of canon that I feel I must address via my fiction. This is the reason why I had Charles and Elsie discuss the whole Daisy education thing in Chapter 33- because Charles was such an unaccountable a*s about all of that in canon- Just as he was with Beryl and the war memorial too- the lost and floundering, crabby old doofus!- and I needed to work out why he did that so I could explain his behaviour to myself, even if I do not want to justify it entirely. Many other parts of JF canon I have just dismissed as far too Out Of Character for Charles and Elsie to even bother with (Namely, the Becky/pauper and cooking-gate debacles- as you would all know by now). But, these particular story lines re Charles, and the main one I will cover in this chapter now, I could actually justify facing and trying to fit in with the Charles and Elsie characterisations we got to see developing in S1-4.

Maybe this chapter would have been better explored in a separate story, but I don't really want to get embroiled much further in an alternate DA Universe of my own design that may in fact be an exponentially expanding wee beastie that I will not ever be able to rein in. As such, this chapter is a bit of a re-jig of the Anna/Green nastiness because, although this part of JF canon is flawed and has big enough plot holes in the wash up of it all to drive a couple of steam locomotives through, it is just a sad fact that women like those in Anna's position would have faced such violence quite regularly (although more likely at the hands of men within the household itself). And so, I do accept it as canon that I need to work through via Charles and Elsie in this story of mine. – And most surprisingly, it has now required me rejigging what the Downton Abbey Wikia says of the timing of Elsie's relationship with Joe Burns. Gah! These rabbit holes!

So, Timeline wise:

I have had to re-think how and when Elsie may have known Joe Burns. She says in Season 1 Ep 4 that "Before I first came here as head housemaid, I was walking out with a farmer. When I told him I'd taken a job at Downton, he asked me to marry him. I was a farmer's daughter from Argyll, so I knew the life. He was very nice, but then I came here and I did well, and I didn't want to give it up. So, I told him no, and he married someone else. She died three years ago, and he last month he wrote asking to see me again and I agreed, because all this time I've wondered." Ok, so I feel this is actually quite open to interpretation- as all literature is- and so I have interpreted it differently to accepted DA wiki dates and facts.

All will be revealed! But the upshot of it was that I have adjusted one turn of phrase in a previous chapter of mine to accommodate this new background I have since come up with for Elsie- (see Ch. 24- Colour, Sweetness and Light) to allow for the fact that I now have her leave Yorkshire, albeit quite briefly, in her very late 20s to early 30s. I will leave my other musings about his timeline to the end notes I think.

However, I do hope that you end up liking how I have decided to machine all of my ideas for Charles and Elsie together in with other actual DA canon facts and dates and the like.

Anyway, re the Anna/Green stuff-

It will not be graphic, but Charles and Elsie will discuss, in depth, their memories of that time, which are also off-canon BECAUSE!…

1/ I really think Charles had to have been cognisant of the whole event at the time. If not immediately, at least by about the time Lord Grantham had to scarper to the USA to bail out Harold Levinson. I mainly base this on the many looks Charles actually picked up on between Bates, Anna, Green and Elsie – the sense that all was far from right with that lot did not actually go unnoticed by him in the series; and therefore, I believe he must have taken at least some sort of action, even if this never occurred in the canon we saw on screen. So, this chapter will now require that you forget Charles' seeming ignorance about why Sergeant Willis, or Vyner, or whoever, were milling about so much in S5-S6 and making enquiries about Anna and Bates all the time.

2/ However, my main reason for broaching this uncomfortable part of canon at all is actually because there are aspects of Elsie's behaviour at the time of Anna's trauma (S4) that have always disturbed me and I needed a way to explain them and somehow weave an understanding of them into the fabric of her character to make a more complete picture of Elsie- and one that goes beyond just saying- well that is JF just being blinkered to the full realities of violence towards women from a woman's perspective because he is a male writer.

BTW- Did you ever note how Anna's trials are always centralised around how it would all affect Mr Bates- more so than it was about Anna and her ability to rebuild her life and her identity after the attack? Just sayin'-Hmm…but the Downton Abbey Patriarchy and the Patriarchal systems of the Aristocracy in general were always painted by JF as almost flawlessly benevolent- which is probably the ultimate in fiction demanding of us our willing suspension of disbelief – No? But who doesn't love some sweet, rosy-coloured glasses nostalgia to while away the hours with, hey?- That is why I love Fred and Ginger films after all!- No Great Depression in sight there!

So, as much as this centralising of the wronged husband's response to his wife's rape may have been both men's and women's initial focus of such events in that era- I would argue ONCE AGAIN- that DA viewing canon gives these women absolutely no voice in the form of a piece of art that may actually also have broader socio-cultural relevance for our own contemporary era. And DA canon most certainly does not give these women credit for having full interior lives and clear thoughts about the full impact of any of these events on themselves relevant to the times that they lived in, which, let's face it- is just absolute piffle! (to use the parlance of that age!). So, yes – even way back in the 1920s women had …lives! And they thought about them too!- and as deeply as we think on our own lives now. And I would also wager that women have had fully realised emotional lives for a tad longer in human history as well!

Now, I will not claim that I have adequately answered to all of this in my own fiction, but I do flatter myself to think that this format of writing can at least offer greater depth to these characters and their responses to violence than JF ever could offer (or perhaps, subconsciously, ever really wanted to offer) them in the format of a weekly, hour-long TV show.

Anyway, still keep in mind, that all peoples' experiences of such violence will be different, and I can only hope that what I have imagined herein makes some sense to you and seems reasonable in terms of these particular characters' lives and responses that could also sit reasonably within their own particular social and cultural heritage.

But, I have probably already said far too much to begin with – as per usual!

As a precaution, this chapter is still M- rated for the themes discussed, and carries a -

**TRIGGER WARNING** for those who may need it.

As I said- My aim is to be non-graphic, just candid in Charles and Elsie's talks about violence in general, and violence towards women in particular- sexual or otherwise, but in that very guarded/polite 1926 British way of speaking that they have.

So, that all said, this is going to be a tad angsty!

Please, let me know what you think.

Regards,

BorneToFlow

CECECECECE

oOOo

The Grand Hotel, Honeymoon Suite.

Scarborough, Yorkshire.

Thursday, 3rd June, 1926

ø

I know …

You

You!

But I do know,

Mrs Hughes!

ø

No…

Who?

Slµt!

Who's there?

ø

What were you thinking?!

I know.

You can't.

Don't take me for a fool!

I know who you are.

No!

ø

You can't!

Go!

-Storming in like Boadicea!

ø

I know what you've done.

Stop!

…before the Roman hoards!

ø

I know.

You Filthy whøre!

You can't win!

I know who you are!

Noh!

ø

Just…Not on your own!

LET ME.

Stay … shadows

In Shadows

ø

Joker.

Play.

LET ME!

Mrs Hughes!

Stop!

Demon-Shadows

Racing

Shadows

…Shadows

I know!

I know what you've done.

Let me…

ø

"…Help…me.."

Don't.

"Don't!"

"Don't touch me!"

"Els?"

"Shah…Snah.. Grr..hnnh! Hnnh … Noh… Noh!… Get off!...Noh you get off me…

Get off! Get off me now!"

"Els!"

"Hnnnahhh!"

"Elsie!"

"Hanh! Noh! Noh!"

ø

"Elsie-Love! Love, it's me, it's Charles!… Elsie, Elsie… Wake up! I'm here love. It's me, Love… Wake up now, Elsie-love. Come here Els, it's me,… it's me… I'm here… I'm here, Love, here…shhh…shhh-now, shh… I've got you, Love. It's all right, I've got you…"

"Charles?"

"Shh… Love, it's me. It's Charles. I've got you."

"Charles, hnnh," Elsie whimpers, heart still racing like a demon as she crashes into his chest -a weeping mess- as she stops struggling and flailing against his bulk and starts clutching onto him instead- like he is the last piece of driftwood left from a sinking ship in a vast black ocean.

"Shh. It's all right, Love, I'm here… I'm always here… You had a bad dream I think love. Just let me hold you. I'll hold you. That's right. Shh...it's going to be all right."

Having shuffled to sit against the headboard, drawing Elsie up with him, Charles wraps his great arms gently around her as she lies up against his side, one leg curled up over his thigh. He rocks them both lightly from side to side as Elsie continues to weep quietly onto his chest, and more steadily now for all of his tender care- for finally being here with her completely- through everything now.

She had hoped these dreams had passed- many years ago. She had hoped. Hoped that Charles would never see any of this. Hoped that she need not feel any of this ever again. Not this fear again. Not for months. So many, many months. Not since Anna was cleared. Finally, safe. Why does it have to always come back?

Elsie takes a shuddering, clearing breath. She is grateful, for at least now she is waking from it with more than just cold sweat and a sinking dread surrounding her. His arms. Around her. His lips are pressed in a constant and steady silent kiss onto her forehead, her head tucked into his shoulder, much as they had drifted off to sleep together late last night after sweetly and slowly making gentle love together after their bath and dinner.

Safe.

He is here. That is real. This is real.

She breathes in deeply.

She holds him.

Charles continues to rub over her back in circles and murmurs soothing sounds to her until she settles.

"Elsie?" He questions quietly "Are you all right? Can I get you anything? Water?"

"No Charles. Just keep holding me. I just need you to keep holding me for a while. I'm sorry I woke you," as she yawns out the last of her sleep. She does not want to sleep again. Not now.

"Shh, now. None of that. I just need to know you are all right."

"I will be, Charles. Thank you," she says in a tiny tremulous voice.

"I'm always here, you know that."

"I know, a chagair. And I love you for it, Charles, ever so much," she whispers to him.

"Mmm… Love you too. Do…do you want to tell me about it?"

"What time is it?"

Charles snuffs out a little air from his nose. "Just our usual ungodly hour for greeting the day I think you will find. Mrs Hughes. Dark still. Maybe we can push it out to the actual dawn when we retire, hmm?"

Elsie huffs out a knowing laugh, glad for some of the normal nonsense of their lives to have cut through all of this heaviness a little. It reminds her of the happiness that can still be found in the world, in spite of everything.

"That might be nice, yes. Something else to look forward to, hmm?"

"Shall I ring down for an early pot of tea?"

Something else that is good. Tea is good. She hangs onto this small truth too. Tea is good. And that matters. Charles is even better, though. And this makes her mouth lift in the smallest of grateful smiles to the world.

"In a moment. Just Let me hold you first, Charles."

"Always, Love."

They fall into silence and Elsie starts circling her fingertips over Charles chest hair as she listens to the steady thud if his strong heart. Such a big- hearted man, she thinks. Maybe some men just end up with more heart than others.

"Elsie…" Charles starts very quietly and tentatively, "in your dream… I heard you ..who were you telling to get off you? Who don't you want to touch you, my love?"

Charles is worried. Is it me? It can't be me, surely?

Elsie sighs out long. "You needn't worry about it Charles. It is just a dream."

"Is it? You say is, not was…Have… have you had this dream before, Els? Tell me, please. And it was not a dream, I could hear it. It was a nightmare, wasn't it?"

"It doesn't happen often, Charles," she tries to reassure him- which is not the exact truth, and which he promptly sees right through.

"Elsie, please don't take me for a fool." Elsie flinches in his arms at his words. "Els? What is it? Will you please tell me?"

"You have said that before, that's all."

"Said what? When?" Elsie remains tight lipped and silent, still resting on his chest. "Elsie, I really think you need to tell me what is going on. This happens quite a bit …doesn't it? And When did I say those words before? And why is it in your dreams? Or, at least in this one that has obviously upset you so?" She just shrugs against him and remains silent. Partly, because she does not want to relive it all, but equally because she does not want him to fret. But mainly, because she is not quite sure where to start. "Elsie, here, sit up onto the pillows while I go and organise for a pot of tea to be sent up. And we are going to sit together and talk until I have this all out of you. I … I am not comfortable with this for some reason. Like when we are not in agreement. But different… and I don't … I just don't like it at all… because…because… I just don't want you to suffer whatever thisis alone, Elsie-love. I told you that in London, didn't I?" he says softly. "Please don't feel you have to do this on your own again, and do not shut me out again, Elsie, please." And he kisses her ever so tenderly on the temple "I promise, I am here."

He helps her on with her white night gown with the delicate blue cornflowers around her neckline to keep the morning chill off her shoulders and bends to tuck the blankets securely over her torso as she sits looking gratefully at him, wiping some remaining tears from her cheeks with the clean handkerchief he has found for her.

What on Earth have you become Elsie Hughes? You are a right snivelling mess lately!

oOOo

Once he has changed into his own cosy pyjamas for the first time in this whole week away, Charles settles in next to her again and they sip their strong tea in silence, Charles quietly broaches the subject again as he sets their cups aside.

"How often does this happen, Els?"

She reaches to caress his cheek with the back of her hand. As he scoops his arm around her shoulder and draws her close to him.

"My dear man," then she sighs out long and presses her fingertip into the cleft of his chin. Like a full stop. It makes her feel certain for some reason- like he is the space that marks the completion of her thoughts. "Hmm… it doesn't happen often anymore, Charles. It never happened for many, many years and it has not happened for a long time now either – not since we found out Anna is all right- finally free… well… as free as she and Mr Bates will ever be of all that horrid mess, I suppose. But I'll not deny that I thought I had finally seen the last of them all, these dreams. But I guess this week has worn me out a little, I am probably a little overtired, is all." And she manages to give him a wan but appreciative smile. Charles eyes flicker with loving recognition of their honeymoon activities, but only briefly, for his concern for her soon overwhelms any notions that those particularly sweet memories need to be chased after just yet.

"Elsie, please stop trying to make light of this… if this is about Anna… why.. why were you calling for someone to get off of you? Did… did Green hurt you too?!" He asks in horror and sits up, ramrod straight as, finally, the connection smashes fully into his heart like a morning milk train.

"No! Charles, no!" She grips at his hand. "Not me. Not Green. And not on this old bag of bones, I can assure you. This was all just a mixed-up dream. That's all… and I would wager it just …I don't know… felt worse this time… because I could feel you holding me so tight. It made me feel trapped… like I was underwater and couldn't get to the surface." Charles looks mortified and when she sees it her heart catches in her chest. She squeezes hard to his hand. "Charles-love, it is not you, really. I always want to be in your arms. You always make me feel safe, you know that. It is just all mixed up, that's all. I could not know it was actually you holding me in my sleep. It is all still I a bit new, you know- sleeping in someone's arms." And she gives him a sweet little reassuring and appreciative smile. Charles breathes out a long relieving breath, but he is still feeling rather agitated.

"Elsie… has… has ... anything like what happened to Anna… did that ever happen to you? If not Green, and may he forever rot in Hell," he bites out as an aside, "but…but at some other time, perhaps?"

Elsie looks him right in the eye so he knows the truth of her next statement. "No Charles, never quite like with Anna…I was one of the lucky ones, I guess… but it came awfully close … and on more than one occasion… when I was younger… in the last house before I came to Downton."

Charles is aghast. "But, Elsie! That was Duneagle! How could McCree have let that happen?!" But then he falters in his blame of Lord Flintshire's former Butler, for the unfortunate truth of it is, that it happened to Anna and under his own watch at Downton. He consciously calms his breathing and speech a little for Elsie's benefit, and his own. "Did…did McCree know of it, Elsie? Please tell me everything. Tell me what happened to you… is this why you came to Downton in the first place? Is this why you left there?" He has worked himself into a bit of a frenzy again and his legs are tense and twitching. Not my Elsie-love. Please! Let no one have hurt my Elsie-love. He can feel the tears pooling heavily in his eyes as he looks intensely into hers. His heart hurts terribly, like it is somehow stretched out thin within his chest.

Elsie sighs out long. "Yes, it is why I left. Well, it is one of the reasons I left, and sadly, the main reason at the time. But Charles, I was not actually hurt – not like our Anna was, just… nearly. But I have no doubt that I would have been in time- if I had stayed on there."

Charles just bundles her into himself at that, drawing both of her legs fully across his lap and cradling her completely in his arms, her head tucked under his chin and his body rocking both of them gently from side to side once more, and some of his tears do drop and warmly soak into her hair. Elsie's eyes well up again for the desperate amount of love she feels flowing from Charles - from his very pores it seems. The whole of his heart. All of his love. My dearest man. She tucks her hand through the gap in his pyjama buttons to feel the warmth of the skin of his chest against her desperately chilled fingertips.

She draws in a deep shuddering breath to continue, "I think that is why my dreams are all messed up with all of Anna's trials. But I assure you, I am all right. It is just memories surfacing Charles. Bad memories- but that is all." She settles into his arms. It feels easier to just talk close into his chest, where she can hear the steadiness of his ever-present heart. All of his love. Always. Charles feels her relax into him and he stays silent, waiting for her words to come. And they do. "I've never really been sure how much McCree did know, Charles. I was a housemaid there at the time. But ready to be head housemaid if the position were to come up. I think Mrs Greer saw that in me. And McCree, he would have been reasonably new to the role I guess- still a young man, really. But,…it was never really a happy household, Charles, even way back then, Lord and Lady Flintshire… well, as we now have seen, they were never what could be called a 'love-match.' So very different to his Lordship and her Ladyship really. Their home, our home at Downton, Charles, it has always been built on love, really hasn't it?"

"Hmm… well, it was eventually…" he speaks quietly to Elsie, his jaw resting over her head. Elsie likes the feel of his vibrating throat in her hair when he does. It is soothing- and so very much…Charles. It makes her mouth quirk upwards- just the slightest amount. "As you know, it was not exactly a love match for His Lordship to begin with, but it grew for them, and I saw it happen. It didn't take long for them to see and appreciate each other's true qualities and they never really looked back, I don't think. His Lordship has been a lucky man."

"Hmm… but it makes all the difference in the world, in the end. Doesn't it, Charles?- Building a home based on love."

"It surely does." Charles affirms as he squeezes his arms even tighter around his wife and thinks of the home they will soon build together. Elsie has settled even more heavily onto him. He feels steadier for it, despite a slight shivering that shimmers within her frame. He senses that, more so than he really feels it to the touch.

"And Downton is a home because of it, Charles. Duneagle never was. Always more of a…a fortress, now that I think on it. Anyway, McCree, he was just like you in many ways. I wonder where he is now? Do you still correspond a little, Charles?"

"Not since the sale. I think he went to his sister's in the wash up after all that- where else could he go, really? Too old and not enough houses left in need of a Butler, even of his experience, I would wager. I trust he is all right, but I doubt he enjoyed retirement being foisted upon him in that way."

"No, I doubt it. He was a good enough man, in his way, even when I was there. Exacting and precise. … Impressive even," And she quirks a small smile into Charles chest. "A stickler for all of the traditions, just like you. Which is as a good butler should be… but… his loyalty was always divided it seems, now that I think about it- especially as I understand more clearly than ever your true commitment to serving His Lordship- and how you have always honoured that- and unfalteringly so." She squeezes further around Charles' tummy, to let him know she knows that it really does matter, and that it does him very proud to be that sort of a man. "You see, I don't know if McCree ever really was Lord Flintshire's man, as you have been to His Lordship. But I also don't know if he was fully loyal to Lady Flintshire, either, even though she ruled the roost there for the most part when Lord Flintshire was away from the house- which even back then, seemed to be about as often as he could possibly manage, what with work and hunting and the like. Anyway, I think McCree was a bit of a harsher man than you, and so… less of a leader downstairs because of it. He was a hard taskmaster-and probably even harder than the two of us put together, and most certainly harder than needs be, I think. And yet…. he seemed blinkered to much of what the understaff were up too much of the time. Maybe he thought the strict sergeant major approach on all other fronts regarding work was enough to keep everyone in line at all times. But either way, his standards slipped on that … more personal front with the staff, if you will- and he never seemed to kerb the little behaviours that you and I know can explode into much bigger problems if we don't' try to rein them in on time, especially with the youngsters, and particularly with the boys at times, or so it seems. Hmm… Now I think on it… perhaps McCree resented being at the behest of Lady Flintshire almost all of the time, and not Lord Flintshire. I am not sure McCree respected her as the Lady of the house."

"Well, from what I gather, that may not have been an easy task for anyone, Els, even at the best of times," Charles huffs out.

"Maybe," Elsie replies quietly. "But as you said yourself, a man cannot really serve two masters, and so perhaps McCree just ended up serving himself more often than not… And so… he never put the time in where it was needed. The hall boys and footmen weren't really taught to behave as young men should… they weren't held to account for their behaviour and so, if they felt they could get away with something in the shadows well, then… they would do just that. And… I guess it is because McCree just didn't have enough interest or commitment to having the whole of the household running smoothly. Hmm…" She digresses as a small thought occurs to her, "You know, I would wager a fair share of filching happened in that house under his nose- and mainly from the stores, not the cellar, and it was because the Housekeeper couldn't command the lads over McCree- not at all back then, and she didn't control the store keys either- the cook had them- when she did have them- absent minded she could be that one...Hmmph, I guess that is yet another reason I always hold the store keys above Mrs Patmore having them, Mr Carson."

"It makes more and more sense all the time, although I hope you have not felt I would have let that sort of thievery go unchecked anyway, Mrs Hughes."

"No, of course not, Charles, but when I was first Housekeeper at Downton, how was I to really know all that? And besides your Mrs Dakin* was adamant that I hold all the keys to the house that weren't directly your responsibility. And so, it became my habit and it was certainly expected of me by her Ladyship. And it was also my right, that is all, and it has all worked well for me with Beryl in the long run, anyway.

Charles arms tighten even further around Elsie, if that were even possible without squeezing the breath out of her completely. Just for her equal dedication to quality in service. And just… for her- really.

"But, Els, what happened to you? It wasn't McCree himself I hope?!" Charles sounds out in a broken voice, forgetting for a moment that Elsie said he was a good enough man on the whole. Charles only thought in this moment is for how downright dirty he will feel if he had corresponded for all these years with a man who had actually hurt his Elsie-love. Oh! he will pay! I will track him down, that McCree. I will!

"Noh! Not McCree. He was still the butler! Where on earth would he have had the time, Charles! I said he was a good enough man in his way- given less than ideal circumstances, I suppose."

"Sorry, Els. I ...I forgot… and no, if a Butler had time enough to fraternise with the staff in any such manner, many more great houses would have crumbled before now, that much is certain."

To anyone but Elsie, this may have sounded either nonsensical or like some shameless boasting on Carson the Butler's part, but Elsie knows it is just her Charles, calling it as he truly believes it to be, and Elsie cannot say that she does not see it that way more and more each day that she stands at Charles' side.

"Aye, you might be right enough in that. Hmm…Anyway, his name was Dunn, the Under Butler, and nasty piece of work he was too. Sly and oily, resentful that he would likely never become butler now that McCree had the charge for life, they were a similar age you see, and there was not a kind bone or thought for another person in Dunn's entire body it seemed. We may have thought our Thomas bad, Charles, but he does have at least some goodness hiding in him, and some sense of loyalty- and granted, it is a bit skewed at times, but it is there, at the end of the day- and he tries harder now to show it too, and live rightly by it. I wouldn't have cared to wager that Campbell Dunn would have bothered to save any daughter of the Flintshire's from a blaze in the way our Thomas did in a heartbeat, no matter what his poor reasoning was for being on the Gallery the night of the fire in Lady Edith's room."

"You knew why he was there, didn't you? We never discussed it at the time. His Lordship wanted it hushed up."

"Of course, I knew! I don't live in a sack, Charles! I may have been more occupied trying to work out what on earth was going on between Mr Drewe and Lady Edith after the fire, but I was the one overseeing the cleaning of all the rooms after the event. And what with Lady Anstruther leaving so abruptly the next morning, along with James- it was hardly difficult to put two and two together Charles! I have spent a lifetime knowing which rooms have been slept in, or not slept in by a couple, as the case may be, and arranging all of their cleaning!" She laughs a little at Charles still thinking she is a complete innocent at times, especially after the week they have spent together so closely. My sweet man.

Charles shudders, "Sorry Els, I still forget that you get to see all the … grittier side of human relations with your work while I sail over the top of all the set dressings for the most part. Urrgh…" he shakes the inherent disgust from himself as if it were somehow clinging to his skin.

"Oh, I wouldn't say all the time Charles. You know your people well enough and see them at the best and sometimes their worst too."

Still, Elsie relaxes into him with quite some laughter. Any real fear she was feeling earlier from her dream has largely dissipated and she is just enjoying this closeness with Charles, knowing that he will unconditionally accept her whole truth. She is just so very grateful for the cuddles and the caresses that come so naturally to them both now, even though it is all only days old practice for them. I love this new life, she smiles happily into Charles pyjama top. It smells of warmth. So Lovely. She is silent and just breathes all of his goodness in for a while.

oOOo

"I am not hurting your lap sitting here am I, Charles?"

"No, no. Light as a feather, I like you here like this… I like talking to you, Elsie… about whatever we need to… and whatever we want to… and not having to answer to bells and gongs in amongst it and never quite getting to finish any thoughts."

"Hmm.. I know… the feeling is mutual. And I don't mind telling you all of this if you want to hear it… but it is rather surprising all the other little things this does bring up. I guess everything is linked together in some way, though, isn't it Charles?"

"Hmm…probably…Still, Els, none of this really helps me understand why McCree could not or would not control his own men?"

"Well, like I said Charles, he may not have known. I can't really say. And, not all leaders are the same- and certainly not all men view women in the same gentlemanly manner that you do, Charles. At Duneagle, it was really the housekeeper who kept the girls as safe as she could. And I do the same, I flatter myself to say it… yet I do not think I could be anywhere near as effective if you weren't holding up your side of it all too, Charles. Mrs Greer, she seemed to just manage to dampen all the small flare-ups all the time, but was not really able to control the whole blaze ever. Hmm... And, it was a different time too, I guess, Charles. For men and women…although much has stayed the same I guess…I don't know. But anyway, McCree… he just didn't work 'with' Mrs Greer. He lorded it over her. … I think he resented her as a woman with some authority- one who had control of a domain he could not touch… maybe because he always had to kowtow to Lady Flintshire's often unreasonable and impolite demands. I don't know… I suppose the rot always starts from the top though, doesn't it."

"Maybe, Elsie… But…I think, equally, it can be found at the bottom though…and in the root stock… so to speak. But, … are we not all creatures of free-will… do all of our own standards have to be so corrupted or corroded by the people around us so very easily?"

"Not everyone thinks as you do, my love. Nor lives as truly. Not all people live by the goodness that is in their hearts, Charles… and after Green, and Dunn, I do sometimes wonder if some people really have any goodness born into their hearts at all. Hmph… Hmm…. Although that said, I have yet to see any child born without that love in them… so something must happen to them to change it. Why do some people end up doing these sorts of things, and others just never even consider it? Why do you think that is, Charles?"

"I don't know, Els," he sighs out heavily, "maybe some people get the goodness beaten out of them somehow. But really…I'll not excuse any of this sort of behaviour because someone might have copped a few knocks in life- we all of us have bad things happen, granted some far worse than others, but we all know how we should best be living, surely? The church teaches us, doesn't it? And we see how others treat their fellow man. We can learn to do right at any time in life, I believe. And we can all live to our best standards- we can make the choice at any moment of the day to live to a higher moral purpose." He pauses for a while and they both silently process these thoughts before he continues quietly, "It is a choice. I do believe that Elsie. For I have seen men make bad choices, and quite intentionally so. And that is what Thomas has done far too often over the years, for he does know better, but he chooses to act selfishly and thwarts himself and others at every turn it seems, … but, I do hope for all our sakes he does continue to do better, like you say he is…. But…but, with the likes of Green, and this low life Dunn," Charles tenses in Elsie's arms at this new menace's name, "these men who act with such extreme… cruelty," Charles feels the word drip bitterly from his tongue, "they actively make that choice, Elsie. They let whatever darkness is within them be in control. I think they step over that line quite purposely and they actively choose to do this unto others. And…if we are creatures of free will, then they could have, at any time, have used that free will to behave and act better- and so not hurt people. They choose to do these sorts of things, Elsie. And may they all rot in hell for it," he bites out harshly. And then he breathes in and out deeply for quite a few breaths to try to calm himself. "Where is Dunn now do you think?" Charles stiltedly clips out, for he is still feeling more outrage for this than he has probably ever felt for anything in his entire life, despite managing to sound reasonably calm in his words to Elsie so far. He figures she does not need him blustering about in his usual fashion right now, and he needs to somehow keep a clear head for her and all that she needs to tell him. But Elsie can feel him bristling beneath her.

"I don't rightly know, Charles. He left Duneagle years ago as I understand it. Well before the war. I don't know to where. Maybe he found a role as butler in another house? Maybe he went into other work. He would have been too old for war service I think- he must be close to our age at least. Anyway, that is why I didn't worry too much for any of our lady's maids returning there with the family for their yearly visits. I just had to trust that in the bustle of a grand family visit there would have been no time for much else to be happening amongst the staff below stairs as they worked so hard. Dunn was the worst of them… but even if he was there, I also knew from experience that he was unlikely to try this on any of the visiting staff. I guess that Dunn was always astute enough in his cunning to know that he had best keep his activities confined within that one household. I don't know. It was a risk though… and maybe now I think on it, I should have somehow tried to alert His Lordship and thereby Lord Flintshire to it… but maybe that would have just provoked Dunn to come and find me here. I just kept my head down with regards to it over all of these years. But he could be dead now for all I know."

"Well I hope he is," Charles forces out from between his gritted teeth. And then he breathes deeply again and strokes at Elsie's hair to try to calm again himself before continuing. Eventually he can speak again, "Still, Elsie, I have to admit to being a little shocked, really, by McCree's' lackadaisical stance towards the staff's behaviour… Huhh…" he sighs out as his heart rate slows down a little more, "I don't know, I guess… it is interesting how I … I never really do see how other Butler's run their houses first hand. In letters, we talk about wine and business, but not a lot else. Only if we need staff, but never the whys and wherefores- for often with any quick dismissals- well, the family will want all sense of scandal amongst the staff quietened down, as you well know. So, I guess that is why we never heard a peep about such things occurring at Duneagle."

"That's true. But really, though, Lord and Lady Flintshire were not ever attuned enough to their staff to even notice, Charles, not the way Her Ladyship and even His Lordship will often pick up when our staff are not well or unhappy. But Lord and Lady Flintshire, they tended to always be totally wrapped up in their own dramas, I suppose. But Charles, you must see that … that because you live by the true goodness in your heart, and you have always been striving to maintain the best quality you can through your work, and you have been fair in your dealings with the staff, even with Thomas at his worst… well… that is what has made you one of the best Charles. And it is why I have stayed true to Downton, in my own way, because you made it a safe place me and for all the staff, really, as best you could, men and boys and girls and women alike. Even for Thomas in the end, for Downton has protected him in a way too. And I have been true to Downton because of how you have worked with me to keep our boys and our girls safe from harm as best we can, and generally behaving according to all their better natures."

"Hmm, maybe. We have not always been successful though, not with some them."

"But we did always try, Charles. And sometimes… really, there can be no stopping some people, no matter what warnings you may give them. I tried with Ethel, but as with Lady Edith, or any of the young Ladies of the house, really, she had her own head and heart, but sadly for her, none of the resources of a lady of rank to help her when trouble inevitably struck."

"I do see that now, of course, Els, but because of that I still maintain that the best we can do is teach them how to say that simple two letter word- 'NO'."

"That is all well and good, Charles, and it is true that Ethel wanted what she wanted and made her choice perhaps thinking that the consequences did not apply to her, but equally, it might be nice to teach young men not to insist upon these things of a lady to the point where they eventually are worn down and exhausted by it all and so they eventually give in to unreasonable demands- and they are demands that have far smaller ongoing impacts upon a man than they ever will upon a woman- and a girl will often give in just to finally placate that man, …and…and…" Elsie is truly starting to fulminate now, "and most certainly, all men must learn that it is NOT their right to have just whatever they bally well please or think they should have it purely because they are boys!" She is almost seething with tightly strung raw energy now and Charles is feeling that all of her tension within his arms. "Nor, come to think of it, should they insist that everyone must believe things exactly as they do- For look where we end up when they do- in the middle of a horrible war- that's where!" But Elsie's vehemence suddenly drops and slows as she finds she must speak past a large painful lump that has formed in the back of her throat and she loses her head of steam and sounds stricken in the next moment, "And … and …women and children and the elderly they are all just left behind to try to pick up whatever pieces they can, Charles, … from the whole ruddy great mess of it all- left to try to clean up and carry all of that dreadful grief along for everyone…" And the sadness of all the world's all too recent woes wells up uncontrollably in Elsie's eyes and falls onto Charles' warm and soft pyjama top.

"I don't disagree Elsie-love," Charles intones quietly, as he holds her a bit tighter, and tries to at least answer to the first part of her accusations, even if he cannot yet fathom the last of them. "Have I not tried to instil that ethic of respect and rightful permission in our boys?"

"Yes… I know, Charles- you have… and I'm sorry… I guess… I just hate always hearing that 'Boys will be Boys' whenever they step outside the bounds of acceptable behaviour. For it excuses them of their personal responsibilities far, far too easily- and acts to absolve them of any guilt for their own actions in the long run… and … and so their standards do become corrupted and corroded, as you so fear, Charles…and so they are far lesser men than they ever could be because of it …and… and really,… it all just ends up hurting everyone all the more in the end, doesn't it? That's how it seems to me –it hurts men and women alike. And yet, it is all soh very easily wrapped up and ignored all the time, by saying that the girls should always have known better….and should somehow have done something to prevent the harm that comes to them at the hands of irresponsible and sometimes downright wicked men. It is hypocritical in the extreme!…But…but really, it just hurts us all in the end, Charles. That is what bothers me the most about it… it makes all of us lesser beings."

Charles just stays silent. And as much as he knows this conversation started as a way to try to heal Elsie's pain of past the violations of two particular men against her and the lass she loves- whom they both love, really- it is somehow just so much bigger than all of that now. And so, he is forced to think on how he may have acted and used his privilege as a man with a modicum of power in society in unchecked ways in the past. He likes to thinks he is a man who has always maintained high standards for his own and all of his men's behaviour whilst they are in his charge… and that he has at least been fair. But, he is uncomfortable… for he has also expected things to just be done his way without question- and granted, they are work-related things… but he has never let anyone thwart his aims, and only Elsie has ever convinced him to expect different things of people or to change his mind about anything he has sometimes felt the need to bluster about like an oversized cockerel in a barn. And yet, in all of this now, Elsie is somehow even questioning the worth of the whole war now, and perhaps even the ethics of any man who fought in it… and frankly... his head is hurting trying to fathom it all…. And yet, Charles has seen first-hand throughout the years of the Abbey as a Hospice, and through his work on the memorial committee with local families crushed by their losses, and all of the returned soldiers who were so changed by what they lived through- and he has felt most keenly that maybe the true cost of the Great War was actually far larger than anyone truly ever wanted to imagine or admit to. And despite these fleeting notions Charles has had, still he is confused by all these strained connections and he needs the steady presence of his Elsie to help order all of his thoughts about it.

"Elsie,… you make it sound like… I don't know,… that what the boys gave of themselves in the war … that it was somehow…worthless. I thought you thought them brave, like our Sweet William."*

"Not worthless, Charles… just pointless." she sighs out, "well, at least it seemed to be that way by the end. And there is difference, I think… for I will never say the war was worthless, Charles, because each of these men was worth something very dear to at least one other person in this world. And so, they did pay a price beyond worth- we all did because they were sacrificed for us. And… I do know that they had to go and fight… for who knows where we would all be if they did not? And those boys who fought, I do believe they did do so bravely, and in the worst of circumstances. And so, … I really have to think that they tried to hold onto some sense that what they were doing was actually for the greater good in the end… and …and that they did what they did, they broke one of the commandments of life as a Christian, when we think on it- in the killing of others, even if murder is meant to be justifiable in the case of warfare , although , really, that concept has never really sat all that comfortably with me anyway- But still, I think that those boys did what they did to at least try and stop the horrors and the hurts spreading any further than it absolutely had to. Humph… it is all so very complicated- this life. Isn't it?"

"Indeed, it is," he sighs and just shakes his head. All of this is making his mind feel somewhat detached from his identity like he is somehow swimming through muck and trying to grab hold of the tiniest pieces of patterned rationality in a sea of utter chaos. Elsie looks up and sees is consternation.

"Huugh…Let me try to put it this way, Charles-love. I guess, … once it all started, the threat had to be stopped somehow, that is true. Humph…I guess….all I am really saying is that if men acted according to their better, more giving natures, if they aimed to understand and accept others more to begin with – right from the outset– tried to accept and accommodate more people's needs and rights in the first place, and acted not just to suit themselves first and foremost…then… I would hope that we can avoid any more horrid wars in the future. But… I guess,… once we were in there fighting, as pointless as all of that loss of life became- when all of the original reasons for trying to hold onto certain ground became… just so very lost in the mess of the battle- and as avoidable as I would have hoped it all could have been, I still have to hold onto the fact that in their scared and brave young hearts, those lads really tried to do what was right for others- even in all of that mess that could so easily drag any good man down."

"It was an utter mess, wasn't it? Charles says quietly, fearfully even. "And there really has not ever been anything like it has, there?"

"Hmm.. from the bits and pieces I have read and heard, yes, it was unlike anything ever seen before."

"Horrible. Truly horrible… I can't even imagine it. But no man really talks of it, Elsie. And I do worry that we may never learn anything from it in the end. Huuhh..." he sighs out long. "I guess I have avoided all of these things in my life, Elsie. Military service used to be a livelihood- a choice for some men. Something to be proud of as a British subject to fight for King and Country… But this war, though… it just took anyone it could get its hands on, didn't it? Whether they were prepared for the dangers and the sacrifice of warfare, or not... I was fortunate, in a way, to be so old, … but…but…. then …it all just felt so wrong that an old man like me should live on when all those young lads couldn't… and that I could not do my part. His Lordship felt it too- especially when he was just made to sit back as a parade piece and was not even able to try to direct a way to get it all over and done with quickly. Hupph…" They sit silently for a while with their own thoughts, just holding each other. "But really, Els, at the end of the day, I just do not think that many men ever truly want to go to war, not really… but they are convinced of its worth and necessity each and every time by their leaders. And they accept it loyallyand try to build their… well themselves, really… as best as they can around that version of being a man." Charles eyes have welled… for all that was lost in the war- all those innocent young lads. "And… I think that is why I worked myself sick back then, Elsie, because…because … I wanted… I needed to know… I needed those lads to know, somehow, in whatever silly little way that I could… that it would all be all right in the end… that the good life that they all truly would have wanted for themselves- it would still be there waiting for them when they all got home again. They deserved that. They should have had that." Charles swallows around the painful lump in his throat and his eyes have pricked with tears of hopelessness.

"I know Charles," Elsie says quietly, almost whispering and with heavy tears in her eyes too. "They should have always had that chance at life. They certainly earned it. And I do understand, Charles," and she squeezes him tight then moves one hand up to caress his strong neck. "They should have had that chance, all of them." She sighs out again to control her own voice better. "But, …like you said, Charles, from what we know now- it was the very worst of the worst of any war that has ever been- where…where the fight for a patch of dirt – which in days gone by might have been seen as simply a way to better feed your clan and keep them alive… it …I don't know… it somehow all got lost in all of that mud-like… like some sort of pointless school yard brawl… where the original reason for coming to blows seems to have been totally forgotten and lost in all the mess of the battle, … and where…no one could really claim a victory because both parties just received such a thorough whipping at the hands of some great menacing school master in the end, anyway. Everyone lost, Charles. Everyone." And she stops for a while for she is so choked up by it all. She swallows heavily, "That is just how it all seems to me- that we all lost at the hands of something bigger than either side put together, and far, far bigger than any of those mixed-up sides in there could ever truly understand. And… I…I guess …I really felt it most keenly when we stopped in Hyde Park for a moment the other day- to remember the boys lost- at the Cavalry monument, remember?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"And I thought this even then, Charles, … It's just… I just… I sometimes wonder whether good old Saint George really did vanquish the Dragon in this case… or did we just keep sacrificing all of our children to the monster for nothing and so that old serpent will still keep coming back for more because it cannot ever be appeased?"**

"Hmm…I know what you mean," Charles says pensively, "it sometimes felt like that to me as we worked on the memorial for Downton. But let's hope it was all for something." Charles finishes very quietly, for he does understand her- completely. Charles has never known any claimed victory to feel so desperately hollow.

Elsie continues quietly, "It sounded like chaos, didn't it, Charles?, from the wee bits we have been told. Total and utter mayhem.… and … I …just feel like we are all of us diminished by it Charles… all of us… and what have any of us learnt from it all ? …Really?"

"I don't know Els. I really don't. But I guess we have to try to learn something from it, though, don't we? Otherwise it will always remain as pointless as you say it became and we will likely be doomed to repeat it all again. So, … I guess we have to keep trying to build something out of the ashes of it all- something worth living for again, don't we? And try not to live in despair when we think about it all, I suppose… But really, I just hope we never see the likes of it ever again."

"Hmm, you are right… But I don't fully know either, Charles. I don't know what we are meant to learn from it." She pauses for quite some time before positing a theory. "Maybe just that there is a very fine line that we walk between civility… and … and barbarism and all of its chaos and insanity. And I guess we have to learn to just try and find a way to balance in that small space ... and that is all we may be able to do, so as to not let it happen again, … I suppose. Hmm… I don't know. None of us came out unscathed though, did we? Even if we didn't go to fight, or lose our own sons to it. Huuh ..." she sighs out thickly, "but you are right when you say we must always try to travel in hope, Charles."

"We do, Els. Now more than ever it seems. Let's just pray it is enough." Charles says very quietly- like the murmuring breath of a prayer itself.

oOOo

Elsie's eyes have been slowly dripping tears onto Charles pyjama shirt all this time- for all that the world has lost, for the heavy fog of war that still somehow shrouds all their lives, even after all of these years, and for the fact that even in their happiest times together, even in the brightest of the dawning light of a new day, shadows are still, inevitably, cast.

Elsie finally shuffles off Charles lap to lean over for a small handkerchief. She had no concept that they would wander off down this path of discussion. She does not mind. She senses it might be doing them both some good- to try to understand these mammoth things that have shaped their lives so indelibly, but that no one ever really talks about. She suspects some of it will always remain a mystery. But the war is a part of the memories they have, memories she and Charles have acquired over time together, just as much as Anna's trials are, and so it seems right to share their thoughts on all these things now that they have time to respectfully walk this strange pock-marked landscape of their past properly side by side .

"Should we organise for breakfast, Love," Elsie broaches, "I could eat something now… and I will tell you all about Dunn, although there is really little that can be changed about all of that now, either," She says resignedly.

Charles head is still swimming with it all. He desperately wishes that there were clearer answers to explain all that was sacrificed in the war- to quantify what they all lost and why they even had to lose it all in the first place. Was it all part of some much larger plan? Really, God? But mainly, Charles is at a loss as to how mankind might find a way to have it never happen again. It seems all too big a knot to try to unravel, and that makes Charles feel decidedly … unsettled.

What is the point of acquiring all these memories if I can't work out what they all mean, Lord?

He feels helpless in the face of it all.

Somewhat listlessly, he replies, "Yes, that might be the thing to do, Els. If you can't solve the problems of the world, at least eat a hearty breakfast to see you through the rest of the day, hmm?"

"That sounds,… somehow, …snidely philosophical, Charles," Elsie says somewhat wearily, but without rancour, "but I do not think you are necessarily wrong in saying it. We all have to polish our boots again each day and just get on, that is the way of things." She quirks a wan little smile his way. "What should we have sent up?"

oOOo

They remain in their pyjamas and robes, but decide to eat breakfast at the little table in their room, sitting at right angles to each other, as is their custom. However, as they settle in together, and having cleared most of their plates, it is not long before Charles's unsettled feelings rise again.

"Els, I know I sounded disgusted by McCree not protecting you better during your time at Duneagle, but the sad thing about it is that I feel quite keenly, that I failed in that duty too. I did not end up protecting our own staff from similar behaviours or the dangers of that sort of unchecked… excess."

"Charles, surely you know that you have always protected and guided your staff in the best ways that you can– more times over than I can count."

"Well, not when it came to Anna though, did I? I didn't stop that!" Charles sounds disgusted and ashamed of himself for what he sees as his own severe dereliction of his duties- as he sees it- as protector of the House and all who reside in it.

"Well, how could you have even known? Hmm?"

"I could have stopped all that excessive frivolity in the servants' hall for a start!"

"Charles, the staff need some fun sometimes too. That is all it was at the time. No one could have pegged Green as a tyrant just from that. And you just could not have been everywhere at once that night. No one could have done more, Charles and that is just the very sad truth of it, Love." She pats his hand on the table top as his fist clenches an unclenches around the handle of his knife. Elsie continues in a soothing low tone, "Charles, it seems that bad men will do what they do, heedless of all of those around them, and heedless of all the standards that are held dear by the vast majority of people, Love. There is little accounting for it, but there is also just no point in blaming ourselves for it all now." Charles still looks grievously uncertain about all of this and Elsie rubs his right hand as it sits, now listlessly, on the table next to hers. "Charles-love, we are used to a certain standard of behaviour from all our own charges, granted, but neither of us have ever been able to control all that comes into the house or what other people will ultimately do. And we were both busy, that night with work and the entertainments. Maybe at least try to remember it as a sign of the goodness of His Lordship and of Her Ladyship, especially, that any of us were even allowed to enjoy that particular evening's entertainment at all, for many houses would not ever give their staff that. And …so, try to remember that there is still great beauty in the world from the likes of Dame Melba, even if there are also horrors in it too. And besides which, if anything, it was Lord Gillingham who should have been more astute about his valet... just as Her Ladyship could have been more astute about Miss O'Brien over time… but still … I guess these things grow in ways we cannot always predict. We could not have known what we would get with the like of Thomas and O'Brien thrown into the mix together, what with them colluding in all sorts of underhanded behaviour together, nor them being at such severe loggerheads much later on too."

"No… I suppose not. I guess at least we tried to control these things, Els, or at least guide them effectively. It has felt like a losing battle most of the time, I have to admit. But, I guess...once we both knew of Green. I suppose we did try to keep Anna and everyone else safe form his harm again, didn't we?" Elsie just nods quietly but with deep sadness in her eyes. "Huuhh," he sighs out long, "sadly, Anna was right, and it is to my eternal chagrin about the British Justice system's flaws it is, -but after that long drawn out travesty of justice that Mr Bates had to live through previously, we really could not go to the police for her, could we?"

"No, Charles," Elsie quietly states the simple sad fact of it.

"And… I do know it was because of what it would do to Anna's good name… and the risk with what Bates might do… and the talk about the house as a whole, but still, Elsie, it rankles me to this very day- and then she ended up going through it all publicly in the end anyway!- and in an even worse way than any of us could possibly have imagined."

"I know Charles, it will always vex me too. And I hate to think how many more women Green hurt before he met his just comeuppance- and all because a woman will not be believed in a court of law, or by most of society in such circumstances."

"Huhhh," Charles sigh out again, almost dejectedly. "It was such a pity His Lordship was called away to the Levinson's at the time. I still think he should have known before he left. He may have at least had Murray onto it in some way. His Lordship had asked me about Anna you know. He saw she was not her usual perky self- as we all did. And he really could have done much more I think, if I had known the whole truth of it at the time I think I would have had to have mentioned it, Elsie."

"But Charles, Anna still needed her privacy, you must understand how this always makes a lady look to others and just how shamed she feels by it- Anna would have been scorned and blamed in the eyes of the world if it became common knowledge - as wrong and as unfair as all of that is."

"Not with his Lordship, Elsie! Never with him. He knows well enough how to be discreet. And well… He has mentioned a few things to me over the years, about his time fighting the Boers. He knows very well what some men are capable of, he told me … and, Lord above! - I should have guessed at what had happened to Anna much earlier myself! It is not as if I didn't see at least the aftermath of such things happening to the women plying trade about the Halls when I was a youth." Charles feels a shiver run over the top of his refined sensibilities once more. "But His Lordship, Els, he said he saw some damnable thigs happen around the fields of war himself, and, remember, he even asked Bates what was wrong with Anna, even after she had denied anything was wrong when His Lordship had asked her it directly, so he must have sensed something was wrong. I think he could have guessed at it, even then- and Mr Bates along with him too. Men-of-war see the worst of mankind, Elsie, and they may not talk much about it, but neither do they forget it."

"No…. no. I don't suppose they do at that," she says quietly. "But nor can a woman ever forget the shame it brings upon her for the world to know of such things- any more than the pain and humiliation and abject fear is ever truly forgotten by her when all of her power is so violently ripped away. But still, Charles, Lady Mary did do her best in convincing His Lordship to at least let Mr Bates stay at Downton and Thomas go to America instead, and then through her demands on Gillingham to be rid of Green."

"Well, it was the best that could be come up with at the time, I suppose. But still, Elsie, this is really the domain of men to use what power they have to stop this sort of thing. I wish it did not have to go to Lady Mary at all."

"Well, it is a different take on men's responsibilities than I gave, but you are right nonetheless, Charles. But remember that Lady Mary, she is not such a delicate little flower, and she was far from an innocent about the various ways of men by that stage, of her life, Charles. Plus, she is close to our Anna, and she already knew that something very wrong had happened- just as we all did really. These things are not really that hard to see, even though we all want to deny what a brutalised woman may look or behave like. Our Anna is stoic and made of stern stuff, but no-one can be a completely closed book when something like this happens."

"No, you are right there."

"But Lady Mary, Charles, she knew, I think, she somehow instinctively knew what had happened to Anna- and like the rest of us- we all tried to believe it could not be possible- at least not at Downton. But really, Lady Mary had to have known of such things, Charles, after Carlisle, I believe. She understood what a ruthless man might have been capable of- if push truly ever came to shove, and she was not an innocent in the bedroom either, even back then, as we both know." Charles shudders slightly. He still dislikes thinking too much on Lady Mary's severe youthful indiscretion and the scandal that followed in the wake of that Turkish diplomats death. "Hmmm... you know, Charles, …I really do think that Carlisle would have at least struck Lady Mary, and much more than once I would wager, if they were ever to be married."

Charles shudders again in his seat, "Please don't remind Elsie… it was never easy knowing she was going to face that man alone when I refused to go to Haxby. …And …I think in a way now, perhaps His Lordship actually wanted me to go there with her- to see her all right in a way- I think he sensed the … instability of that man's 'gentlemanly presentation' to the world.… But I just could not do it to myself, Els, not even for Lady Mary... Not even for His Lordship's sake- and in a way it shames me, if I am to claim some sort of protective fatherly feeling for Lady Mary, and yet I was still willing to let her risk her own safety with that man to save my own sensibilities… and to keep what I had at Downton." And he tightens his grip on the hand of his very best friend in all the world at this thought. "But his Lordship was always uneasy about the match, Elsie, extremely uneasy, that much was true. But we both of us, could…just… do so little about it all really."

"Maybe what you did was the best thing you could have done to make Lady Mary see though, Charles. You did make a stand for her in a way- by showing her how beneath you it would have been to work for such a man, and she was sure to see, eventually, that Carlisle was beneath her too- beneath any woman or lady, or true gentleman, to associate with, really. And I know how she respects your good opinion, Charles and wants... well Lady Mary really seems to need your support. You could not have made a clearer stand about your position and concerns for her… not really. You let her know it was not anywhere near all right- but just not in so many words, a chagair."

"Hmm… maybe Elsie… Thank you for believing that of me, a chagair…and, … I suppose that is why she lashed out at me then as well, I guess… little Miss Mary never did like to be found to be in the wrong in anything." Elsie huffs out a knowing little laugh at this. "But thank you for understanding me, Elsie," he says quietly as he squeezes her hand, "and Thank God for Mr Matthew really. He was the only one that could have kept Lady Mary from that man in the end. And I still maintain, Elsie, that with Anna, it was the domain of good men like the Master Crawley's of the world, and His Lordship in this case, who can actually wield their power and put it to good use in this world, much more than some of us can- it was for those men to try and help Anna in her hour of need."

"Well, never a truer word spoken perhaps… but… maybe I have a slightly different take on it to you."

"How do you mean? His Lordship would have done whatever he could, for Bates as his loyal batman in war, and as his valet, Els. A valet holds a very intimate place in a nobleman's life, Elsie, just as a lady's maid does in a Lady's life… and besides, His Lordship would have done whatever he could have for Anna as that man's wife, but even just because Anna has been one of his most loyal and dedicated members of staff over so many years.. but mainly because Anna is a lady, who deserves whatever protection His Lordship can reasonably and possibly give to her within his own Estate."

"I know that Charles, and if he could have been in Downton then, I no doubt would have told you of Anna predicament much earlier too, and it most surely would have been the better option, for I have no doubt that with His Lordship's connections, he could have found something on Green that would have seen him locked away for a good long time- if not for what he did to Anna- then for something else and that at least would have kept Green away from other women for a good amount of time."

"But what do you mean, you have a slightly different take on it, Els."

"Well Charles, it just what I said before, and in a way it is how you put it too… that it is for all men to be responsible for their actions and behaviours, and to support the people around them to be their own best selves in the long run too…like what you hope to teach young lads through the playing if cricket I guess… But then, in the end, Charles, it all just…was what it was, sadly. His Lordship just couldn't be there to help… and really, when I confronted Green in the boot room, Charles- it was just because something just had to be done- by someone at least."

Charles ripples tensely beneath Elsie's constant touch, as the fear for her that it all engendered in him at the time comes rushing back like spike of ice down his neck.

"But even when I overheard you then Elsie, and finally twigged fully as to what had happened to our Anna, I told you- I told you most clearly that it was not wise for you to go storming in like Boadicea before the Roman masses! You were not equipped for the fight against him, any more than she was." He sounds suddenly broken again despite his indignation, "You…you could have lost everything Elsie," he rasps out, "he… he could have hurt you… maybe even killed you." His words catch painfully in his throat at these words and he finishes very quietly, "You should never have taken him on like that, Elsie."

"But sometimes we just have to fight the battles as they are presented to us, Charles, like all of those poor boys in France, and that is all we can do." And she pats at his side softly from where she sits, trying to comfort him. "Charles, I never thought for a moment that Green would actually try anything on my old bag of bones, or that he would actually risk murder- not there. I always knew where I was, the halls were busy… and as it was you were obviously near enough to have heard it all."

"More by accident than by design, Elsie!" he feels the same level of outrage and helplessness rising within him at this that he did at the time – when he had first confronted Elsie about her actions back then. "You should not have risked yourself in that way! I said it at the time. And it is still true now! You could have been hurt, Elsie… and… and you are not a bag of old bones., Elsie-love." She cannot help but snort out a little sound of incredulity at this, but Charles sounds broken with his fear for her, even now when no danger is present. "You…you are a beautiful woman, Elsie, no matter your age, and men like Green- they … they will take whatever they can, and whenever they can- because… because they have absolutely no respect for anyone, but most especially for ladies, for they are always far too cowardly to really take on anyone that might actually have a chance of physically defending themselves or hurting them back." And his voice has been rising in force along with his indignation about the whole sorry affair. "And so, no, Elsie – I am far from saying that 'boys will just be boys! '– this is evil in the hearts of men given free rein- pure and simple- Elsie! And you cannot predict what will happen, nor hope to control or stop it if such men- if they can really must be called men- if theydecide to fully unleash their fury upon any other person… and you certainly cannot do it all on your own, Elsie! Even Boadicea rallied what meagre troops she had- and so should you have… you should have come to me first! It was my place to know of it as head of all our staff. But more so, you should have just trusted me from the outset before you put yourself, or anyone else in the house, in further danger from him!" Charles is breathing heavily now, and his face has reddened fiercely as he tries to control his raging emotions and the hot tears of hurt and helplessness that are prickling in the corners of his eyes.

"Shhh… Charles, I know. I know…" she almost sings it out like a lullaby, quietly, as she uses one of her hands to stroke lightly over his hand and the other rubs around onto his back, trying to soothe his frayed nerves about all of these issues that have come between them in the past. "I do know now that I should have come to you from the outset, Charles…and I do trust you and your skills, and of course your discretion, completely. I do. I am sorry I did not do that from the start, for I do know that having you on my side did help action things to keep Green away from Anna as best we could… and I really I could not have supported Anna as I did at the time without you right beside me, even in secrecy… I know that. I do… and I am sorry it took that huge row for us to finally work together on it…to try and make it right…but,… I … I am eternally grateful that you did overhear me in the boot room, even if I said I wasn't at the time… but I had promised Anna at that stage- an yes, it was against all of my better judgement, I'll admit it… but I could also see her shame, Charles, … and her point about Mr Bates and the risks he might take to defend her honour if he ever found out it was actually Green…. But ..but Charles… at the time… maybe … maybe if you know how I was when I was at Duneagle … maybe you will at least understand why I took it all upon myself that way and why I confronted him by myself when I had the chance… and that it wasn't only me defending Anna as if I really was Boadicea outraged for her daughters sullied honour- although that was also a reasonable charge of yours against me at the time , but it was just so much more than that for me, Charles…. "

Charles is huffing sharp, tense breaths out of his cheeks and his hand is clenching and unclenching into a fist beneath Elsie's small grip on the table, trying to calm his memories of that time and the awful arguments he had with Elsie over all of this. He still feels outrage at not being called upon straight away by Elsie to handle this most grievous of offenses against one of his staff, even when he knew, he did know- he knew-instinctively it had happened, and even his Lordship knew it, really. They did know that something was terribly, terribly amiss with their Anna- and his fear and seething anger about it all still remains- bitter and heavy in his heart.

As Elsie's caresses continue to calm him, he finally releases another long breath and manages to state as calmly as he can, "All right, Elsie… I can accept that you held off telling me because of what Anna demanded of you at the time."

"She did demand it, Charles, against all my protestations otherwise, she asked me to swear it, but please believe me when I say that I was desperately uneasy about it. And as it was it was never truly an oath I had any hopes of being able to keep. I am sorry I did not still involve you discreetly from the outset, I should have known it was the best way to handle this- together with you by my side, as usual.… But…but… I think my own experiences at Duneagle propelled me down the path of trying to do it all on my own. I felt I needed to do it that way at the time. But I am sorry, truly. It was a grave mistake, I do recognise that now, for these evils cannot be fought by any one person alone, you are most right about that.

Charles releases yet another long and steadying breath. And lowers his voice to the most impassive tone he can enact, but does not quite yet feel. "All right Elsie,… but you need to tell me absolutely everything now- everything that happened at Duneagle… right from the start. And how exactly you did end up managing to avoid what Anna had happen to her."

Elsie breathes out heavily. "All right… I will." She sighs out long again and keeps hold of Charles steadying hand, rubbing it soothingly for a little while before she begins her tale." At Duneagle , Charles, it wasn't sudden like with Anna. It was a build up over time with Dunn. He was maybe more like Carlisle in a way- outwardly respectable… but very manipulative and cunning. So very cunning. He used and manipulated others against me, you see, the hall boys, footmen- whoever he could hold in fear or in thrall. And, I hate to admit it… and Lord knows why I should have been like this at my age then, for I was not without some mental fortitude by the time I was thirty odd years old Charles- not with having lost everything so young and gone into service- and on my own for much of that… but Dunn, he…" She draws in a steadying breath as she finally makes this admission to the first living breathing person ever, "he very nearly broke me, Charles." Charles instinctively holds her hand tighter and reaches to rub her forearm. "He…he bullied me. Harassed me constantly. Found every moment he could to put me down. He used other staff to keep watch on me- like spies, he had the most fearful of his little foot soldiers always throwing snide and disgustingly lewd comments my way whenever they passed me by." Charles is starting to visibly tense up in his seat again as he listens to the nightmare unfold. "He tried to have my work faulted in front of McCree whenever he could, and only ever when Mrs Greer was not there to say otherwise, and of course none of the younger girls ever said a word otherwise in the face of McCree and his fully assembled regiment of footmen and his revered lieutenant under-butler all lined up around him in- all of them in their stiffened finery. They were an intimidating sight to any young lass isolated out there on that huge estate with no place else to go, and most especially the girls would say nothing in front of Dunn, lest they be next on his list of victims. and…and it just got worse and worse, Charles. That last year at Duneagle," Elsie swallows hard before continuing a little quieter, "in that last year, Dunn, … he would take whatever quiet chance he could, and not even when on show to his little soldiers, which somehow made it all the more real and dangerous then, because then I knew it was not just to put on a big show of his power to his underlings- it wasn't just all bluster anymore, but … he…he took to pushing me into alcoves or darkened doorways, or even just in the middle of an empty gallery whenever he could, to intimidate me with his size and strength."

Elsie's eyes have welled up again in the telling of it all. Charles has moved on his chair and drawn Elsie automatically into his lap and surrounded her with his own great size- but his arms are gentle and his hands soothing as he smooths her hair back from her face and he looks at her with tears misting his great dark eyes, but he does not speak. He lets her say it all, knowing full well that he is the only one to have ever heard this full story of Elsie's past and all of her pain before.

She continues, in an even smaller voice, if that were even possible, and it breaks Charles' heart to hear her so broken and feel her so small within his arms. Like a little rabbit. Treat her gently, Charles. Gently, now. "And in that last year, Charles, those sorts of encounters became more and more frequent, and more and more… physical each time… his hands groping at me, sometimes even ripping at my dress so that I would have to mend it when I could… Hmmph, I can tell you truthfully, that there was some stitch work I did actually shed some tears over at times, Charles… and…" Elsie's tears are steadily dripping down her face with the heaviness of her years of silence, "and… now I think on it, it seems the only thing … the only thing that that stopped him getting any further was that my corset was too hard to tear at in the time available during these… encounters… Hmmph… maybe that is why I have held onto to wearing it for so many more years than all the other ladies in the house." She quirks a little smile at herself, for this. It has kept me upright all these years, she thinks sardonically. It has kept me going. And then she sees that Charles, despite all of their shared intimacies this week away, and the full nature of this particular conversation, is actually blushing somehow through his silently dripping tears at the mere mention of a word about her corsetry. And Elsie cannot help but hiccup out a laugh- just because Charles is who he is- and she just loves him ever so much for it. She gives him a small kiss on the cheek, because he is here for her… and because life is inherently ridiculous and it can all still make her laugh. My man… Life is still good. She sighs out past of the lump that has remained in her throat, really since she woke earlier in her darkest hour. She coughs lightly to try to clear it, "Anyway Charles, I suppose I have never really understood why Dunn singled me out from all the other housemaids. I was older than most of them, not especially pretty, and they really all seemed to be much more delicate creatures, and the easier targets compared to me. I always thought I was built quite solidly when compared to all of them… I don't know… maybe the head housemaid at the time had too much protection and that closer connection to Mrs Greer, and maybe the younger housemaids and scullery maids and the like somehow had me to protect them… in a way… so he went for me as the one in the middle who didn't seem to have anyone really looking out for her. Or maybe he just saw something in me that just annoyed him- something he just didn't like… I don't know. I cannot ever claim to understand all that his mind reasoned as a way to justify his own behaviour. But, over time, Dunn somehow made me almost start believing I actually deserved it all. Every bit of it." Elsie feels Charles' grip around her tighten infinitesimally. "And… he got me to a point where, …where I doubted everything that I was doing, and I was afraid of every hidden corner, afraid of my own shadow it seems. I feel ashamed that I lost so much of my own strength back then… that I let him take that away from me… for I never said a word, Charles," and she releases a harsh sob at the memory. "Not once. And that was not really who I had ever been before that- not even as a much younger lass in service, not at all. I always had more of a mouth on me than some- and I would speak up when I had to."

"Now, that is how I have always known you to be, Els," Charles affirms for her in his quiet and loving way.

"Hmm… But I actually seemed to completely lose my voice at Duneagle, Charles." Her voice sounds perplexed at this , even to her own ears "And …I just never told Dunn to stop , I never said a word - not to McCree, not to Mrs Greer, no one. Not one word. And I don't rightly know why…. Huuh… if I never fully believed I actually deserved it, which I can't have, not really, for I would not have come back from it at all if I truly did believe that. But, … perhaps…I do think… that…that maybe I thought to take it all on myself so that at least the smaller , more vulnerable lasses would not be targeted… but I am not so sure… I just … lost my voice, really… lost sight of who I was… lost all of my energy for life it seems, and I could not seem to think straight anymore, Charles … so all I did was try to keep my head down and I just worked- hard." She pauses to think on it all more closely than she has really bothered to in years, or ever really, for she has spent more time pushing the ugly thoughts and memories away rather than embracing them and walking slowly through what they all mean to her as a person of free and independent means and will. "I don't know, … but, my best guess is that maybe I was hoping Dunn would get bored tormenting an animal that was just playing dead all the time really-I tried to make myself smaller and unnoticeable and not worthy of the effort to even pester because the sport was not entertaining enough anymore. And…so… I just…lost myself."

and at this Elsie splutters out a wrenching sob into Charles' neck as she throws her arms around the surety if his shoulders and weeps once more into his neck. And after a lifetime of struggles, she does at least know that it is not for any weakness or wrongness inherent in herself, as she had once come to believe at the hands of Dunn. It is really just for her self and all of her grief for that time of loneliness and fear that she lived through- all finally allowed enough air to make a sound and be shared in safety and with the security of knowing that there will be ongoing comfort at the end of it all.

Charles returns to the only things he knows he can do right now to help at all. He holds her, and strokes over her face and hair with his big hands and rocks her and shushes her soothingly as his own big round tears slide down his face in grief for all of her pain and fear. And as her tears keep tumbling, he finds himself humming – just some small random and quite nonsensical range of notes, but low and in that rumbling way he has, that can calm even the most distraught bairn. And she hears him and squeezes her arms around him tighter than ever for his care, and then moves to tuck her head fully under his chin to feel his sounds vibrate onto the skin of her forehead and the tune resonate around his big heart and into her ear at the top of his great chest. And he hums, because he has nothing else he can say to make it all better, no truth or even a platitude that he can possibly share, for he can only ever half imagine what it must feel like to lose sight of yourself so thoroughly, having never been so undermined or quite so isolated from absolutely everyone. Nor has he ever been in quite that dire level of danger from another person in the world- never before- not in his entire life. Never has he had to live in that much fear. So these small sounds of wordless comfort are all that he has to give her in this moment.

That is all.

But for Elsie, it is enough.

It is enough.

oOOo

And so when she has calmed a little under the rhythms of his love- as it hums with new life from his chest, Elsie speaks again, "Really, Charles, all that saved me from Dunn taking that last step, and doing what Green did to our Anna… it… it was just dumb luck. Pure dumb luck. Just as it was horrid and dumb bad luck for her – just poor timing for her and a tiny bit of good timing for me- that is all- just one single deft move from Mrs Greer at just the right moment- and that is all that did it. It was sheer luck more than anything else- like any of those boys in the trenches at any moment- some had bullets come their way, and others just got lucky and they were missed and there is not much accounting for who or why it was one man and not another being graced with that stupid level of dumb luck. But I am ever so grateful for it, Charles. Even now. Huhh…" She breathes more clearly again. "Anyway, I do know now that Mrs Greer had seen all of it building- and she must have sensed the shift in me from when I had first arrived back in Argyll at Duneagle. I was a much brighter lass back then. And now that I look back on it, she was actually keeping watch over me. Huuhh…and I know you may not believe it now, Charles, but I really did become very sullen, especially in that last year at Duneagle. I just put my head down and worked- so hard," she chokes out "I barely spoke…and… and I seldom smiled, that much was for certain."

Charles' voice is thick with grief and more unshed tears, but at least it is now somehow under his greater command. "Well, I can believe it now that you have told me all this, but I wouldn't have for a second when I first met you, Elsie, for you were as sparky as I have ever known you when you first arrived at Downton, maybe a little nervous, but that is common for anyone coming to a new workplace from what I have seen. But the hard worker in you was ever evident."

"Perhaps I was. Sometimes that first couple of years at Downton seem such a blur to me, Charles. I moved up from just a housemaid at Duneagle to a head-housemaid and then a housekeeper all in the space of one year, really. Quite a rapid promotion in anyone's book, don't you think?"

"Indeed. But you were always right for it- always more than capable, Elsie-love."

"Thank you, Charles," she takes the compliment gracefully. "Hmm… But I guess in that first instance I was just so relieved, really- to be… free …and that somehow brought me back to myself. That, and the hope even before I arrived at Downton, and back to Yorkshire, which I was so happy for,…that I would now actually be somewhere a bit safer. Perhaps the thought that there were the young Lady Edith and Lady Mary already running about the house… and another on the way… I don't know, for some reason it seemed that that might mean the house was a happier one, for Lord and Lady Flintshire had no children as yet when I was up in Scotland. Anyway, when she picked up on the possible opening coming up at Downton, Mrs Greer put me forward to her Ladyship on their annual visit, just before Her Ladyship was even with child, it must have been. Anyway, Mrs Greer she recommended me to move back to Yorkshire once more…. And… I guess I just thought that the staff at Downton would be better checked in order to protect the young Ladies of the house, and also Her Ladyships' sensibilities during her confinement of course. It was a notion I had, more than anything, but I believe it was well borne out by reality- once I got here, and once I realised the sort of ship that you and his Lordship were actually running. But… all I really knew when I first arrived, Charles, is that Downton had such a different…feel to it . It has always felt so different – even when compared to Nunnington Hall*- and I was not unhappy in that particular house. But… I was immediately so very much happier once I was at Downton, it is true." Elsie almost sounds a little dreamy against his chest now. Her speech is thoughtful, but full and languid somehow. "I don't know if you will ever understand that difference Charles, since you just grew up with it all on the estate. It is like… it is just… in the threads you – so completely- woven into you, Charles-love, so very closely, that you can't even see it anymore.. like it is just part of the whole picture of you… But, …coming from somewhere else, that didn't have that same… substance, right down in the very warp of it… maybe it's the soul of the house…now I think on it… well… I felt it, even if couldn't really name it at the time. …hmm… Downton was just warm and safe – always, Charles." and she gives him another loving squeeze from within his own warm and safe arms.

And Charles realises that Elsie has just paid him the greatest compliment anyone has ever given him in his life- and it hits him like a wave of summer sunshine as he steps out from the deep shadows of this conversation for an instant to process it all. And he knows that it is worth so much more to him because it comes from the most heartfelt of places- from his one- his Elsie-love truly sees him and believes this of him, and accepts him wholly as such. And so despite how much his heart has felt stretched thin by all that they have been discussing this morning, he suddenly feels like it is full again and bursting open with pure and unadulterated light at her words for him- because she really does know him – better than he could ever have hoped she would. He kisses softly onto her head in thanks for the blessing in his life that she truly holds her ever tighter to try and hold the memory of her words within his heart- to weave it into a newer and even fuller picture of Charles Carson, from Downton Abbey, Yorkshire. Life is just so good with Elsie by my side, he knows it. And now it is for him to keep listening to Elsie closely, and trying to know her just as deeply as she has come to know him.

"Tell me everything, Elsie-Love. Let me know it all," he whispers into her hair."And Elsie sighs with a mixture of gratitude and deep contentedness for her own life at Downton, her life woven together with Charles Carson's- by her side, as she holds him firmly and continues with her tale.

"It has been a good home to me, Charles - the very best I could ever have hoped for, really- for my lot in life, that much is for certain. And I was lucky. I have just been very, very lucky- I do know that- and I know it more clearly now than ever, my love. I don't doubt my choice to stay at Downton anymore, as I have told you at the gallery the other day. Hmm… But anyway, whatever it was and still is about Downton, Charles, it all seemed to revive me- when I got back to Yorkshire again that time- it was like I could finally breathe again."

He just holds her for a while. Somewhat overwhelmed and not really knowing what to say. More than ever before, he feels fundamentally justified in the life, his life, that he has given to Downton, and through that, what it has inadvertently given to his Elsie-love . It is a truly Great House. It has all been worth it. No regrets. None. And now he can give his life fully to Elsie. And she actually wants it of him. All of it. There are no words for that sense of belonging. It just feels right.

After a time of quiet togetherness and their silent prayers of thanks for one another just being there, Charles eventually latches onto that other part of Elsie's history that he really knows only snippets of information about. Maybe there will be happier memories of her youth to be found in these other years and spaces, he hopes.

"I had almost forgotten you were in a house in Yorkshire before Duneagle, weren't you?".

Elsie's forehead is nestled comfortably into the side of Charles neck and she relaxes more into telling her history- all the little secrets and nuances she has never really let on about to anyone. "Nunnington Hall- and for all of my younger years in service actually, yes. And that was when I originally walked out with Joe Burns, but then the chance came up to go back to Scotland, and too a much larger house too, and… although Joe and I enjoyed each other's company, he was not showing any signs at all of making more serious overtures to me, and so I went back to Argyll. It seemed the more secure option back then for a better position in service in the long run and I did like the work." They both sigh out a little heavily that it has not been borne out by reality at either Duneagle, or even now at Downton, what with all the changes since the war. "Hmm… I guess I had been well over fifteen years in service by then. Maybe I thought to go home to Argyll to settle in those roots again, I don't know…. Anyway, it certainly seemed more of a possibility to advance up the ranks at Duneagle and I thought it might help me to recapture … well, I don't know what, really. Mam and Da were long gone by then, of course, and Becky was married and moved away of course, still in Lytham St Ann's and well settled with the children all in school and old enough to be helping in the shop. I knew I would miss my odd visits to her and my nieces and nephew by not being still in Yorkshire, it was always going to be much harder to cover that distance from Scotland… but …. Maybe at that age I suppose I also half-entertained some notions of meeting someone who would actually want to marry me and I might have settled back In Argyll to have bairns of my own, still …I wasn't really that driven by it though, for I figured if Joe Burns was not going to ask me… well, … maybe I was not one to be seen by men as the marrying type. But… I don't know, maybe a girl never really gives all that up so soon, and I was at an age where… if the right man were to come along…well, but it just didn't happen, and really, I was getting past the best years to be having any bairns anyway, even by then. But… in truth,… it was because I had had some good experience from Nunnington Hall and I liked the work and my being able to control my own money. I had worked well and proved myself capable in my time in Yorkshire, and so I guess I had hopes, even then, for becoming head-housemaid soon, and a Housekeeper eventually. And I thought Duneagle might be a chance at that, being a much bigger estate and one with a proper ancient peerage attached to it. … But, unfortunately, Duneagle and Argyll, as it turned out, never offered either of those options to me." She sighs out long again. "But in the end, when things seemed at their worst with Dunn, I had good word via Mrs Greer that the housekeeper at Downton was looking to retire soon, and I knew that it was the best chance I would ever get for advancement, and by then I just had to get out of Duneagle, Charles. I knew Mrs Greer had been able to catch Her Ladyship's ear and recommend me on their yearly visit back in '95. And Lady Flintshire never gave two hoots about which staff came and went through her doors- so long as there were enough of them there. And so, I was lucky- and I knew it. And so when I got to Downton, Charles, I knew it would not have served me to dwell in the past and how I had been so scared that last year at Duneagle. I had too much work to do to prove myself again and it really only mattered that I felt a bit safer. Hmm… and I had still written at times to Joe Burns, of course, and we were always friendly, and so I let him know I was back in Yorkshire… and that is when he finally proposed marriage to me- in a letter… But, I… I think, that even though I knew he was a good man and he would have treated me kindly…I think … after Dunn… I just did not want that… that sort of closeness… not with any man… not that I haven't wondered about it – what might have been, many a time, as I have told you in the past. …But really, at the time- I was also just soh happy to even be moving up into the head-housemaid position, and with the possibility to becoming Housekeeper in time. I was over the moon about it, really… and just soh happy to be able to do my job without constantly looking over my shoulder, and I really didn't want to give all that up.

"You were a very chipper lass going about your work those first months, I do remember that," Charles says with a nostalgic smile in his eyes. Who would have ever thought back then that you would end up here today, Charles old boy? Uncommonly lucky you are too, m'lad.

"Well, these sorts of opportunities in a house like Downton, they do not come up or everyone, Charles. It was a good thing and I well knew it. I was going to be secure for life in work and with a pension and probably a cottage afterwards, and really, it was still so much more than Joe could ever offer me, even though he meant well for me in a life with him. But really, … Mrs Greer did me the best turn of my life, putting me forward to Her Ladyship when she had the chance to – she spun up a bit of a story that I was still keen to see more of the country again, but also that I knew Yorkshire well, which I did, at least that small part of Yorkshire around Nunnington, and that I was a good worker and would not be kept interested at that lower level position at Duneagle for long anyway- and none of that was entirely untrue, now that I think back on it… but I guess at the time, I was actually focussed a little more on survival each day at Duneagle- trying to avoid that vile little snake, Dunn… But anyway, it all worked out, for I think even then, Her Ladyship saw that Mrs Dakin* … was getting on… and she would be needing to usher in her own new housekeeper before too long. It just all fell into place really- and I was just incredibly lucky."

"And me too," Charles says with conviction, for he knows how incredibly lucky he is for Elsie to have ever come to Downton at all- that she is even alive, for it could have all ended in an instant for her too. He is blessed and lucky to have had her stay by his side as his friend for all of these years. Sheer dumb luck it is. Charles feels a stab of tears in his eyes at these thoughts - of how easily it would have been to never have had any of that with Elsie, and certainly not the wonderful life he has with her now. It all could have ended so differently- and worst of all, so very tragically for Elsie. He kisses her firmly on her head as she still rests it on his chest, listening to his heart. But then Elsie feels Charles suddenly tense and ripple once more with energy beneath her- a shuddering spasm.

"What is it, Charles? That is all the story of Duneagle now told."

"I'm sorry Elsie, I can't help it. I keep thinking if this little weasel Dunn and how easily he could have changed your life- ruined it-… and our lives… but especially for you, Elsie-love." He sounds broken and enraged all at once Charles jaw is clenched and he is forcing his next words out, every word scraping his throat on the way past the fear and grief he feels for all that has been and all that so easily may never have been."Els… I …I just want to track him down and wring his unworthy little NECK for ever even thinking about thinking about hurting you! - Let alone for what he actually did do to you! I feel like I can't stop shaking… just…such … rage, Elsie…" he rasps out between gritted teeth. "I…I don't know what to do with it all." His hands all this time have been tightly clenched and quivering intensely where he hold them at her waist. She can feel them trembling as he tries to control the raw emotions running through them. "And… and for … for Anna too… but for you, Els... especially you," he bites out haltingly as he just holds her even tighter to himself to tries to calm this entirely uncommon feeling writhing in his sinews and coursing so hotly through his veins.

"Och, Charles, my love…" she says soothingly as she strokes across his furrowed brow. "My honour was never actually besmirched…and as it is, Dunn is likely dead and gone now anyway, having never learnt a worthy lesson in his entire life, of that I am sure. And as much as I would have understood Mr Bates potentially having taken vengeance on Green for what he did to Anna, part of me, for some reason, cannot bear to think that you would visit such violence upon any man, Charles, even a despicable little wormlike man as Dunn. And Anna was the same with her Mr Bates. I do not think any woman truly wants their man driven to that form extremity, not ever, Charles. Not even in the defence of her own honour. No more than any woman wants to see their man or their sons marching off to war, for would that not also make them men who break a fundamental commandment? Mr Bates did right to kerb his baser instincts back then, as hard as he struggled with it, and I did often have my doubts as to his innocence, and that's no lie - you know all of that… and I know at the time I was not willing to actively condemn the man for feeling he needed to defend his wife's honour in that way, but…really I am so glad now that he did not do it, for it would have diminished him in his heart and soul, Charles, and in Anna's eyes and heart too- especially after all that she had already fought so hard to prove- that he was innocent of such behaviour in the past. It really would have broken their love for each other in the long run. Please tell me you see that, Charles?"

"Haaahmmm, …" Charles eventually sighs out a long heavy breath, and as always, discovers he has found some measure of calm just through listening to Elsie's lilting tones and her wise counsel. He strokes her hair again and calms even further as he continues to hold her gaze that has been pleading with him this whole time for him to understand her words.

"Come, Charles, " Elsie stands and draws him to his feet. "Come rest with me again." And she guides him to their crumpled morning bed and they lie facing one another on a shared pillow atop the white sheets. And they share in each other's warmth, hands clasped tightly together and fingers caressing over the bumps of veins in the backs of their ha nds. Eyes searching each other's for the truth.

oOOo

Charles continues quietly, if still somewhat dejectedly, "Huuuhh….I know … I know you are right, Elsie, but it still does not stop a man feeling he is somehow less of a man- that he could not protect the ones he loves, nor make others pay for their injustices against his family."

"I know that Charles, and I do understand it, perhaps better than you know… because… that is one of the reasons I did take that risk in confronting Green the way I did in the boot room. But, … it was even more than that Charles, because although I may have acted on the spur of the moment back then, but now that I think on it, I really think I did it for myself- because… I needed to have my voice heard again… I needed to finally give it free rein in front of the evil of one who was just like Dunn, so that a man like that can be held to some sort of account for their behaviour… and …and …to show that I would not let Anna, or really, myself ever be trampled by the likes of a lowlife like that ever again. I needed Green to hear that he could not maintain that power over anyone he pleases. That he could not ever take all that Anna is, - all of her goodness- or even take all of that power away from the likes of me- that he did not have anywhere near as much control as he liked to think." She pauses at length and breaths heavily as the memories of that exchange with Green, which still remains desperately unsatisfactory for Elsie in so very many ways, courses that same tension through her very sinews yet again. Charles and Elsie both remain silent and just hold each other and look deeply into each other's eyes until they can see the latent hostilities they hold for these men dissipate somewhat. Elsie, finally calms enough to continue. "Huuhh… …But… sadly, I think Green always knew that we could not go to the police… and I don't know that I ultimately really achieved anything much, apart from putting myself in harm's way again, like you said, Charles… But.. I… I just needed to do it.. I needed to know that I hadn't just run away in fear from it- all of those years ago. I needed to know that could stand up and not roll over and play dead to a man like Dunn, like I once had done. Hupph! It seems I may be just like your Lady Mary in that!" Elsie snuffs out at the irony of it all, and she can see Charles face quirk up in a small smile at this. "But … but … I just thought that Green needed to hear that not all women are such easy prey for him- that we can fight for ourselves as best we can…that we have power over our own lives…and that he may have had his evil way with Anna, but that does not mean he ever really took away all that she is- he never had total control over her, not completely… And our Anna… she did know that in the end… she has refused to be a victim to it all… and so, she kept herself, she did. And I have never been prouder of any lass – not ever, Charles."

"You are right…" he murmurs thickly as he looks into Elsie's eyes with pride and with unshed tears of both pain and gratitude for both these of fine ladies in his life. "She never lost hope did she? Well, not for long anyway…maybe… just lost sight of it in herself for a while. And she has always lived by the love in her heart, don't you think, Els?"

"That I do."

"And, well … now I think on it Els, is it not true that a man who gives in to the darkness in his own heart, like Dunn or Green did, he has actually relinquished all of his own real power already- handed it over to something…else…don't you think?"

"Well… I do suppose that helps to explain why we see these types of men as low- they are the lesser men, really- they have diminished themselves by giving into this evil, haven't they?"

"And they will pay an eternal price for it- just maybe not one we will ever see as justice in this world…if what the church teaches us is right. Perhaps that is what we need to hold onto, Elsie, if we cannot seem to conquer these things in this lifetime." Charles sounds so tired… like he is carrying an ancient weight upon his shoulders.

"Hmm…maybe," she says quietly, and they just breathe together in rhythm for a while. Eventually Elsie gathers her thoughts again "It does all make me think of that other monument we walked past in Hyde Park though, Charles- after the statue of St George and the Serpent, the Wellington Monument Of Achilles. Because… well… I have to wonder why the ladies of Britain chose that to commemorate a victory in battle… you see…because I do know he can be simply seen as the ultimate warrior, but really, Achilles actually fought in rage, for all of his losses, didn't he? He fought with pure wrath because of his hideous grief when his loved ones were killed… and he behaved in dishonourable ways because of it, didn't he?" Charles just nods. He knows the story well. "What with dragging Hector behind his chariot to trample his dignity, even in death…. But in the end, it did not get Achilles anything he wanted, did it? It brought no one back from the dead to him and his grief was not at all assuaged by his vengeful acts, and so, … he also died without love in his own heart- did he not?"

"Maybe…" Charles drawls out thoughtfully. "Sooo…you are saying that… fear of grief and pain – that is really our Achilles heel then?"

"I…I think so. I think that is what I mean…and …and I did that myself, really. I do know what that absolute wrath feels like, Charles. I felt it keenly when all of this was going on and I acted very poorly because of it, for I actually wished as much harm on Edna when she threatened someone else I care for in Mr Branson. It was all at exactly the same time as Anna being hurt … so much was going on then, Charles. Just so much," and now Elsie sounds weary again, like she too is carrying the weight of all the world. "It was all such chaos in my mind… and…and … I still do not condone what Edna was trying to do to Mr Branson in the midst of his own grief for Lady Sybil… but …I…I threatened Edna in a way that was most unbecoming, and its intent was as bad as anything that happened to our Anna, or that Dunn ever threatened me with… and it shames me to even think on it now, to think I would threaten something so …so…demoralising on another human being, no matter what their own ill-conceived motivations and actions were…and, to be honest, I felt enough rage that the threat was not entirely an empty one used as a bluff or a show of strength. It was not right of me, Charles… it was … I don't know… it was all of the grief and pain and helplessness I felt for myself, because of Anna, and for Anna, when I just knew I was quite unable to really help her at all through this… and then also my fear for what would happen to dear Tom at this other selfish woman's hands- all of it together- it just made me cruel, Charles. Very cruel. I don't know… I don't like thinking in that space- that I can actually be like that too."

"Darkness lives inside all of us, Elsie, men and women alike," Charles says very softly, and without accusation, for he feels that darkness of grief and pain and rage for all that has happened to dear Anna and his Elsie-love. Elsie is silent for quite a while and her brow is deeply furrowed. Charles tries to smooth her worries away with his thumb pads. "I have wished horrible ill on people myself at times, Elsie-love, like Griggs when I was first feeling so betrayed by him and by Alice. I willed for him to meet any number of painful deaths at the time, and for many years, truth be told. We all of us think and do things we are not proud of, Elsie… especially when there is conflict all around us."

"Hummmf..." she sighs out long and heavily again. "Aye, I suppose you are right," Elsie says quietly, somewhat defeated, "that is a great sadness for all of us, isn't it? But still, I was less than Christian in threatening such ill upon Edna… and I used my place of power above her in a cruel way, for surely there could have been another way?"

"Sometimes these things aren't so clear to us at the time, Love," Charles murmurs quietly- not condoning and not condemning her in any way.

"Hummph... I don't know…" They rest in silence for a while longer. "Anyway, Charles, I guess the fact that I could be that way too, and Lord knows I sometimes think it was only the threat of the hangman's noose around my own neck that stopped me from picking up a boot shaping stick and walloping into Green with it until he dropped and never got up again" Elsie breathes out heavily through gritted teeth to try and calm the potent desire that still exists within her to have done just that, even now, "… but even so… all of it… how I was with Edna… how I felt in the presence of Green… it has shown me really… that…that if we lash out in those times when we hurt the most, in grief and pain like Achilles did- trying to enact vengeance on others in order to find some sort of justice in this world- then …we are actually the ones sacrificing our true strength, aren't we, Charles? And then we ourselves become diminished in the action… and then that truly is pointless, isn't it? … Huuhh…" Elsie feels that she has within her an endless stream of woeful sighs for the world that just need to be released. "Does any of that make any sense, Charles?"

"I'd wager it all makes as much sense of these blood-stained and grief-stricken times as any other ideas I have yet heard or thought of, my love." He sighs out wearily as he continues to pet Elsie's hair back from her face.

"Hmmm…" she replies thoughtfully, feeling weary with the weight of all of this herself. "But, even so, does any of that even make sense of how I still needed to know I had some proper strength to fight still within me, Charles- to at least try to make an honourable stand against Green ? For I still felt I needed to do that…to… to prove to myself that I was not just hiding behind the safety of you and of Downton for all of these years and so avoiding all of these trials in life because I was just too scared to face them all, and that I was not just …doing what Green did really… and only lashing out against a person with much less power in the world to fight back, even when compared to me- with how I threatened Edna… But… can you understand why I confronted Green now?" Charles just gives her a small nod and moves to caressing over her tear-stained cheekbones with his thumbpads, comforting them both. "Huph… even though, I know that in the end it did not move Green in the least, and so I have had to swallow that little bitter pill of knowledge too." She sighs out long again at the complexity and unfinished nature of it all, even now. "But … I guess… even Boadicea ended up having to drink her poison to remain who she really was though, didn't she, Charles?" Elsie asks rhetorically, but Charles nods his understanding all the same. "So… really, in the face of inevitably losing everything, anyway Boadicea…she was at least the one to choose it for herself first, wasn't she? And - so…so…no one actually took her power from her in the end- did they?"

"No, Love, and that is truly brave" Charles says quietly as he caresses Elsie's face and looks deeply into her soulful and perceptive eyes. My Elsie-love.

"And maybe, Charles, I think it was because Boadicea knew that some men, some people, will never be stopped, and I do know that now myself, Charles… nor can these types of people like Green ever be reached, not even with a heavy whipping it seems. And so, sadly , they will remain ever unwilling to change their ways… But still, ….with what I did in confronting Green, Charles….It was because I needed to know that I at least had that meagre choice still … and a voice - in all that happened to me when I was once so powerless myself… and…and I just wanted to be Anna's voice for her too , when she was not yet ready to do that all on her own just yet. Do you see?"

Charles is silent for a long time as big round tears continue to roll slowly down his cheeks- but he keeps looking his Elsie right in the eyes- seeing all the colours of her anew once more. She is a wonder to him. "Yes Elsie, I can see all of that," Charles manages to choke out as he squeezes tightly to her again. "And I think it is it is like those boys knowing they needed to go fight the war, even if it seemed certain they would lose everything in the stand. They had so very little choice, really…but they most of them still chose it bravely."

"Aye. That they did. Like our sweet William." And more tears silently fall between them for all of that innocence now lost.

"But… but Els, what I see as your strength in all of this it … it is just love, really. It is the love in you Elsie. It is in you… and it has always been there and it never really left you, even in your darkest hours –that love and care you have for others. And that was always going to be the only thing to fight any of this with for Anna, wasn't it? Not boot shaping sticks or guns and metal or the like. Love is all that can really prevent the tyranny of these types of men prevailing, isn't it?" Elsie's eyes affirm his truth. "So maybe the church is right about all of that too … Hmmm." He just breathes for a while, trying to stem some of his tears. "You really are my own little Celtic Boadicea… aren't you, Elsie-love?" He says a little more brightly and quirks one of those sweet smiles at her that he keeps only for her as her fingertip presses into his chin. "Standing up with love for your girl, and even Mr Branson, as best as you could at the time, and for yourself and you never really lost yourself in any of that did you? Not truly. And so, you have made a choice not to live in cruelty in the end... My one Elsie-love." And he kisses her firmly and with his proud and love and tear-filled eyes sinking into hers. He continues very quietly, "Els, all I ever wanted you to know back then, when we fought so bitterly over your somewhat ill-prepared march unto the fray with Green," he huphs out a tiny bemused sound at his various visions of Elsie striking forth with all her might- no matter the situation, "Elsie, it was not that I thought you could not or should not fight, for our lass, or for yourself, as I now know you were doing- but… I just wanted you to know that you did not have to do it all alone… and that I was always willing to fight on your side, Elsie… you never should have felt that you had to face any of that evil alone… because you really didn't have to- not even back then, …and you never will again Elsie-love… Just like Mr Bates has always stood by his Anna…I stand with you. I have never, ever thought of you as hiding behind me… over anything, Elsie. I could never have held you there even if I were stupid enough to have wanted to or dumb enough to have ever even tried! I am just …always … by your side, Els… I am on your side- and with all of my love there too- to fight these things that we sadly, and inevitably must fight. Please know that, a chagair -always- my Elsie-love." And he caresses her soft cheek, rubbing away her slow tears.

"Oh, my sweet Charles. My lovely Charles," she whispers thickly as she caresses his face tenderly in return. "I do know that, most surely." She looks into his honour-bound and love and grief- filled eyes, her voice is still shaky with all of this emotion and confusion and pain that they have trudged neck deep through on this strangely bright and dark morning in their room above the sea. "Now more than ever before, a chagair," she finishes hoarsely and then kisses him on the tip of his nose, and then to each cheek and then the centre of his brow. "Hmm…" she sighs out tiredly now resting her forehead against his, "now more than ever, Charles… and my life is all the better for it… Life is so very good, really though, isn't it? She asks rhetorically. "And Charles, …just… don't you ever let men like that Green or Dunn squash that same goodness and love in you, … for I know the bitter taste of letting that lesser part of myself free…and Charles-love, just don't do it – don't ever lose sight of your love and goodness not even in your grief and rage against them- not even for my sake- for that is an Achilles heel that could trip any good man up, don't you think?" she says with a droll smile at her own completely mixed up metaphor.

He gives her a tiny smile of understanding, and a glint of brightness has returned to his eyes for her wit- that can always make him smile- no matter how small and somewhat confused it may be.

"I could never lose sight of my love for you, a chagair," and he kisses her tenderly on the tip of her nose.

"Thank you, my Love." And she rests her tired head against his and their grief and love filled hearts beat solidly against each other's chests as they hold each other tighter still within this dark but slowly calming sea of their shared memories. "Hmmmm…well…maybe that is what we have to learn from all of this mess from my past and from what happened to dear Anna, Charles. All we really need to know is how … to just to hold onto that love in our hearts... and… and maybe that is all we can end up taking away from the shadows of the war that still surrounds us all as well …that we need to remember that there is still love out there in people's hearts, and that life really can be so very good, in spite of everything, Charles. Anna helped me to see it in the end … she never truly gave up hope. That is her strength… that, and her love for Mr Bates- throughout all of their trials, they always had that… and so do we, my Charles. So do we."

"That we do, a chagair," Charles affirms, choking the sounds out past the lump of anguish that has been sitting in his throat since they started walking this strange, obscure and opaque path out of Elsie's nightmare together.

Charles dots gentle little kisses all over his beautiful strong lady's tear-stained face- his lady who has sifted through the ashes of the ruins of a world filled with war and darkness and cruelty…to find herself again and then to lift herself, and others, into the light of the world once more.

As they hold each other tightly again and drift ever closer to sharing further morning rest, and some rest for their shared mourning, Elsie feathers away his own residual tears for her and for the world-for all of their pain- and Charles knows.

He knows.

Even with all of these harsh and horrid memories, old boy.

He knows.

There is always great love to hold onto.

There is that.

There is love.

There is love.

And Life is good.

oOOo

CECECECECE

Ooops! Looooong!

Sooo,…there it all is! This chapter did become rather more epic in its scope than I ever envisioned or intended!

Perhaps I should have called it The Tao of Chelsie! ;P

And to think this fiction of mine started with the influence if Virginia Woolf and her exploration of the great scar of the Great War in Mrs Dalloway (as so many Modernist artists did in the early 20th century- Eduard Munch, the Dadaist, the futurists, Woolf, Yeats, T.S Eliot , the anti- War Poets like Wilfred Owen, etc, etc). And so, here I am 100 hundred years later trying to make sense of the nonsensical yet again.

**And now!

Tear me to shreds if you feel the need- (with evidence to back your claims, please- and I am happy to discuss such things via PM if you want), because I well recognise that I have possibly just pulled off a massive JF-esque plot/character manoeuvre of the magnitude of the Becky/pauper nonsense that I have been so vocally eschewing throughout this whole lengthy fiction of mine! I have been critical in the extreme of how DA played out, and so I should be prepared to cop the same for my own work if I am going to throw it all out there in the public eye. However, I would like to think that I have shored up enough canon gaps for this to ring true, but by all means, help me to learn if you so wish it. I shall brace myself for the onslaught!

Anyway, I hope you liked at least some of it.

BTW- Huge thanks must go to a former DA fan fiction writer, Kissman, whose 2014 piece "All Things Pass" really got behind Mrs Hughes reactions to Green and the whole Anna 'please stay silent stuff.' Kissman's work influenced my thinking about Charles' supposed ignorance of the event in canon and helped me work out all of these plot machinations of mine. Anyway- go and read that older DA work- it is quite brilliant.

CECECECECE

And now to slightly lighter stuff!

Re. My Elsie younger years Head Canon-

"You know me Mr Barrow, a woman of mystery if ever there was one." And I have certainly found Mrs Elsie Hughes to be just that! I entered this fictional world because, well, who doesn't love that stodgy old bean Charles Carson! But Elsie Hughes has become increasingly important to me as it all went along. But, really, now that I think on it, I never would have been so upset about the whole Becky/pauper/cooking plotlines and character disruptions if Elsie didn't actually mean one hell of a lot to me to begin with. The writing process is what has helped me to recognise her true worth on a much larger scale and I am very glad of it. And so, I needed to write in some back-story for Elsie to help me accept aspects of her behaviour at different times, especially that Boot-room scene and the earlier one with Edna- which were both very uncomfortable pieces of viewing for me.

Now, given my own apparent and desperate need to continue to see Elsie as an independent and wise woman with a strong voice, it has, as you will have worked out from this chapter (and I do hope it was all readable enough!) it has led me to take the actual timing of the walking out with Joe as something that happened well, well before the Downton offer, when she was a much younger woman in service in a smaller Yorkshire house (Joe is a Yorkshireman in the series). I think Joe would have walked out with her sometime in her 20s, but, as it never looked like he was going to get off his butt and actually ask her to marry (maybe Elsie only attracts the glacially moving types!), Elsie decided to take another job in a much larger house elsewhere- and Duneagle was just too good a site to pass up using since it is likely in Argyle and it of course appears in DA canon. Plus, the real Inverary Castle, where filming took place, is actually in Argyle.

So, the way I see it, service has always provided Elsie with a secure home since she was orphaned at about the age of 13-14 years (much like Daisy and this could explain Mrs Hughes affinity with the homesick youngsters). Elsie would have finished her basic compulsory grade school education by then- having also done piecemeal work in Argyll to support both ailing parents before they died. Then, Elsie and her sister had to go out and make their way in the world on their own. Elsie could be older or younger than a 'right-in-the-head' Becky, it does not really matter to this fiction, although Becky as slightly older than Elsie is my preference at this stage. I imagine them in service in the same Yorkshire house together for a time until Becky is courted and marries at about 20 years of age and moves to Lytham St Ann's to run a shop with hubby and pop out some nieces and a nephew for Elsie- hence the photo of children on Elsie's sitting room wall in the early seasons- which magically disappeared in about S5 -along with her status, power, voice, any decent hair styling, and the very well-kept and often nicely embellished, albeit somewhat old fashioned, dresses Elsie once owned– which, of course, was all just prior to the Becky/ pauper debacle of a storyline in JF canon Grrr!—Just ….Grrr!- and ever after Grrr!

Strangely, Elsie's background is one that I was not even expecting to uncover when I started writing this chapter, or at all in this fiction, really, beyond what I have just stated as my basic background head canon for her. But these things just unfold in strange ways when I get Charles and Elsie really talking, and then I have to try to make it all fit as best as I can with the bits of JF canon I that I actually do accept!

I also hope it turns out to be more believable than the hogwash story that Elsie kept her sister's existence and her pauper status somehow secret from Charles for 25-30 odd years of living in each other's pockets. I think I have a chance at it with my little concept/conceit in this chapter with Elsie's rising above being down trodden by a Green-like character in her distant past – and that she has worked and tried very hard to forget it and also keep it a secret- because that is just what women did, and still do, re. this sort of violence and even gas-lighting styled dominance over their lives. And I do also think that it can happen at any time, and to older women just as Elsie was, and not just dizzy and unsure-of-who-they-truly-are-yet younger and possibly weaker girls/women. I equally think that people can reforge themselves after such events and be strong people again. Elsie has always been strong enough in my eyes to manage such a feat. But, do feel free to accuse me of major JF-ness character and plotting anomaly-styled nonsense if you think I have royally stuffed this all up for Elsie! I am willing to PM correspond about anything to do with this fiction of mine.

Please Note: I do solemnly promise to make the rest of the Honeymoon right again for our heroes, don't worry. I am quite committed to the HAE (Happily Ever After) that is a requirement of romance as a genre.

Other Author Notes of possible interest

On Places:

Nunnington Hall-

horror of horrors! At the time I propose Elsie was there it was privately owned by the son of a Liverpool merchant! (Filthy Middle-class nouveau-riche! ;P ). I chose it because I think Elsie new that her best move career-wise if the chance arose during her younger years, was to follow the older, titled money. Hence, justifying the move to Duneagle in this fiction of mine.

wiki/Nunnington_Hall

On symbols, myths and motifs:

On Boadicea-

here is the quick history of the flame haired Celtic Icenic tribal warrior woman who fought for her daughters' honour when the bloke in her life made some pretty poor choices as to whom he should go and trust.

/HistoryUK/HistoryofEngland/Boudica/ .

In my Chapter 25- Reflections –

Charles and Elsie go past this huge statue on the banks of the Thames on the way to the Victoria Embankment Gardens- Boadicea lives on in our culture to this day!- not those nasty-pasty Roman generals that done her wrong- so maybe she won out fully in the end?

On St George and the Dragon-

mythology- this covers various versions of the story that Charles and Elsie would have been well versed in. I especially refer to the nature of sacrifices made to appease a beast threatening the livelihoods of a people.

wiki/Saint_George_and_the_Dragon

On Achilles-

wiki/Achilles

wiki/Achilles'_heel

Again, my Charles and Elsie have had good enough educations for the times they grew up in and I maintain that these two would both be quite at home sleeping in Mrs Patmore's kitchen knife drawer.

Which leads us to….

Charles and Elsie's education:

Elsie most likely would have gone through a Ragged School Union set up for the poor (operating from 1844-1881)- courtesy if the good old 7th Earl of Shaftesbury I have previously referred to in this fiction, and Charles would have been educated via the Grammar Schools Act of the 1840s- at Ripon Grammar- which was probably founded by the 6th earl of Grantham in this fictional world anyway.

In the mid- late 1800s, Apparently 95% of elementary school-aged children were actually attending some form of formal education, even if it was just Sunday school via the parish church during this time, and well before it all became compulsory or free – for who really wants to send their child 'down the pit' if there is another option that could possibly lead to a better life outcome? It seems funny to think that formal compulsory education is still less than 200 years old though, doesn't it?

wiki/History_of_education_in_England#Nineteenth_century

Now, I also maintain that Charles and Elsie have had years' worth of ready access to Lord Grantham's extensive library of Philosophy and all the family's novels- and had no other real entertainments for their small amount of rest time- so they are both quite well read. Also, the Greek classics were taught in schools in the 1800s- even at quite young ages. I would think that Achilles is a well-known morality story for people of Chelsie's era- why else would such motifs be used so extensively in memorial statuary otherwise? These stories were part of the surrounding culture for these people, as much as the morality stories of the Bible each Sunday would have been.

On the symbolism of character name choices:

Here is some other interesting flower symbolism, given I have had Charles and Elsie often refer to William Mason as their Sweet William- and this was actually unplanned when I first had them referring to him as such – go figure!

Sweet William Flower meaning: Gallantry + Grant me just one smile - which I think equals what he was in war, plus all that he ever really asked of Daisy in the end.

Daisy flower meanings- Innocence and farewell.

Gah! I may cry- did JF plan all this for me?

Mrs Dakin -the former housekeeper of Downton is in deference to the work of Edward Carson, fellow and favourite DA fan-ficcer- yet again! : )- and I was getting lazy with finding former housekeeper's names! However, a quick name derivation search has revealed that this name can mean 'Day protection' from the Welsh/Olde English origin, or 'Beloved of Jehovah' from the Hebrew/ Biblical origin of David- with the capability to bring down Goliaths with a small sling and a stone. So, I like the connotations anyway! Surname/Dakin

McCree- the name is not particularly auspicious in the context of my fiction, but I have started down this path and it is still interesting to note it. It derives from an ancient Gaelic male name "MacRaith"- son of grace, prosperity, or favour- from the Celtic "rat"- luck or fortune- so I guess these latter meanings feature in this back story for Elsie- just not from McCree's hands. Surname/McCree

Other names I have chosen due to their meanings and derivations

Campbell Dunn -the slimy Under Butler who trod down our Elsie in my head canon from 1893-early 1895- ish at Duneagle in my head canon = crooked mouth + Dark

Mrs Rhona Greer - the Housekeeper at Duneagle = wise ruler + watchful/vigilant

**Now here is something truly uncanny- unless JF planned it this way and JC and PL just what? …Knew it instinctively about their characters perhaps?

Elspeth Mae Hughes= 'God is my oath' + nurturing mother + fire/ inspiration- and never a truer name given to a character, I would argue!

Elspeth and Hughes both have Welsh /Irish origins and linked to Galloway area- (so fits with Elsie's Argyll birthplace).

Middle name Mae: Well I did not plan this, but Charles and Elsie marry in May in my head canon merely because I wanted a summertime wedding for them- still, I like the little loop back effect- as always.

Also, Mae can refer to the fifth month of the year from the Latin Maius- or the month of Maia- the Greek mythological Goddess- daughter of Atlas who carried the weight if the world upon his shoulders. Maia is the goddess of increase and growth, and also known as an older mother type figure and nurturer.

Mae can also be diminutive of Margaret which = 'Pearl'- I kid you not!- this stuff just keeps fitting in with my little story patterns after I have written these things on a total whim!.

But also, Mae is a diminutive version of the name Mary- who of course- you know… supposedly gave birth to Christ, but the Hebrew Miryam can mean 'sea of bitterness' (a la BLM I would argue!- but sometimes Elsie too), or it could mean 'sea of sorrows'- which also fits where Elsie is 'at' with all things philosophical in this incredibly lengthy chapter of mine. But Mae is mostly interesting as a diminutive form of Mary because I now keep finding all these similarities between Elsie and the BLM!

Charles Carson -

Charles is from the Germanic 'Karl' and can mean simply 'man' or possibly 'army/warrior' name/charles

Interestingly, Carson is a surname of Scottish origin derived from a locational name with ancestral links traceable to King James IV of Scotland Surname/Carson

Carson - First used in the Scottish/ English borderlands of Dumfriesshire – kind of near-ish to north Yorkshire- sort of! carson-family-crest

Middle name Ernest= Earnest- of course! And = resolute (but also in my thesaurus, earnest has the synonyms of: sincere, intense, deep, solemn, serious, strong, heartfelt- so yes, Charles is all of those things!).

But anyway, Charles Ernest Carson could literally mean "Resolute Man of Place" – which I find quite fitting for our favourite Butler who is so woven into the threads of the greater Downton tapestry.

And even if his middle name were Edward- (which I had at some time thought his name was) that would mean - fortunate guardian/ guardian protector.

And so if it were Charles Edward Carson, this would roughly translate as "Fortunate Guardian Protector + Man/warrior of Place"—or thereabouts!- Does this not just describe our happiest and luckiest of men down to a 'T' !

Love it!

I just think it uncanny that I wrote this work and then afterwards found the names to be so fitting for it- and even for the JC and PL interpretations of JF's characters that we got to see in canon.

oOOo

++ So, I do hope that my take on Elsie's background seems reasonable to some of you out there and may help to explain some of the many emotions we see her trying to work through and/or contain during that poignant scene in S1 Ep 4 with her one true friend, Mr Carson, but still with many secrets necessarily kept hidden deep inside her heart at that point in time.

On the Genre of Romance:

One other interesting thing that this incredibly self-indulgent and personally cathartic writing experience of mine has brought up- and actually it was well after I had first drafted this mega chapter- is from my current studies in Creative Writing- and specifically the tropes of the Romance fiction genre. I inadvertently hit upon so many of these themes in my intensive parsing of the characters of Elsie and Charles in this fiction (like links to Classical Greek myths and big archetypal stories that influence humans on an almost universal scale (i.e: - our fear of being alone, lonely, unloved and somehow intrinsically worthless and our lives devoid of all meaning—you know—just the small things! ;P). I just find it interesting that it was quite instinctive for me to shape this story in the way that I have, and yet I have now learnt that it may have been borne out by current literary theoretical thinking and understandings about the expectations we have of human story-telling and by the nature of the genre of romance and what it offers both the writer and the reader through the sorts of cultural symbols and imagery it tends to use.

… Although, arguably, with Charles and Elsie traipsing about the streets of London, access to these myths via the public artworks they visit kind of made this inevitable for me! And then the poetry and other artworks of the day influenced how I wrote each chapter for them.

T.S Eliot, poet, author and literary essayist of the early 20th century was the one to describe the reality that everything we write is always based, to some degree, on something that has come before us. Even Shakespeare's core storylines are not at all original- what was original was his ability to get into character motivations and the human condition so deeply and to write some stunning, original and memorable turns of phrase that we still use all the time today…. And a heavy bit of patronage from Royalty didn't go astray when it came to making it big as a playwright in London in the Tudor age! And so, his work lives on as hugely influential, where other writer's works did not. And so, really, all I am saying is that nothing exists in a vacuum and our works are always going to be somewhat derivative of some other work somewhere. if literature were not socially and culturally situated, we would have nothing to pin our comprehension of any given text upon. And, it is because of this expectation for understanding that we get annoyed and notice when the genres we are accustomed to having play out in certain ways are handled incorrectly or just plain poorly and with no respect for reader's expectations. I can only hope that I am not guilty on all of these fronts myself! I will end on the expected Happily Ever After (HEA) note with this fiction, that much is sure.

But, with Romance as a genre, it is all as I said with my love of analysing the Fred Astaire Romantic Comedy Musicals- scratch just beneath the surface romantic fluff and you will find something far, far more complex and interesting if you should only care to look. And so perhaps no entertainments that we choose are ever purely escapist and we are certainly not just passive consumerist sponges of the culture thrown at us via these types of media. All of these things and our responses to them teach us who we really are.

Anyway- if you want to track these literary criticism articles down, they make for interesting reading.

Beneath the Surface- The Hidden Codes of Romance. Linda Barlow & Jayne Ann Krentz

This 2010 article is also very good. Getting a Good Man to Love: Popular Romance Fiction and the Problem of Patriarchy. Catherine Roach

Other Musings on the nature of Romantic Love and the Genre of Romance:

With my choice of Estate houses for Elsie to have worked in in her early years- I had to make a link for purely romantic genre 'rightness'!

Using Nunnington and Duneagle means that I can have Charles and Elsie circling close to each other in similar locales and the social worlds of the great estates over most of their lifetimes and that just plain appeals to my sense of rightness about their inevitable romance. I am not entirely sure I actually belief in fate, or even soulmates as such- but you go right ahead and believe that if you want dear readers!

I could well have written this whole fiction with that notion of true soulmates being out there for all of us for it is likely influential to my subconscious mind… but consciously, I do prefer to think that Charles an Elsie are just two people who got along well and grew together as friends and loved and supported each other as friends until such time as it became something more- more of the Eros crept into the Anteros, so to speak. And what I like about Charles and Elsie, and this is what makes them so 'modern' in my eyes, is that neither one of them needed saving- they are both complete people, mostly comfortable with who they are and could have lived contented and complete lives without ever finding this love with one another. The love just makes their lives more- but, I would argue that it gives them the space to finally become fully self-actualised beings (Look at Educational Philosopher Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Basic Needs to understand where I am coming from here). The saving of another person by being their 'other-half' is something I see is an underlying kind if 'thing' in the notion that we supposedly all have a soul mate out there waiting for us. It does not sit well with me at all, for I am somewhat of an irreligious dog in my own life, I am afraid, and so I don't truly believe one person can ever save another person at all or that all we have to do is wait for them or try to find them to make our lives complete. You may well think that is sad. My fiction may not bear this belief of mine out. But that is where it currently sits in my head, and likely in my heart too.

My later soundtrack listing of influential music for the writing of this chapter could well be more telling regarding all this than what appears within my work of fiction! Either way, I do maintain that Romance can and should be fluffy at times- but not trite- indeed it is all very complex- which is why I think we collectively, and culturally speaking, keep returning to it- to try to understand the human condition better.

oOOo

I think I have only two chapters and a short epilogue to go in this fiction now, for in my mind at least, Charles and Elsie have now faced various conflicts and found lasting resolutions in each other's arms and they are now ready to ride off into the sunset of their mutually agreed upon retirement for the Happily Ever After denouement they always deserved in order to adequately complete their lifelong pre-climate change and glacially-slow moving romantic love story!

Thanks for all of your ongoing support and for trawling through this epically long chapter that, for some reason quite unknown to my conscious mind at the time of writing it, saw our heroes discussing Life, the Universe and Everything…as you do in the darkness of the pre-dawn hours- for whenever else does this sort of thing happen- really?! I hope they uncovered some of the meaning of life in a little more nuanced form than the answer being a flat "42" (but thank you for that, anyway, Douglas Addams!).

I also thank you for putting up with my increasingly self-indulgent authorial musings about my own learning journey through this crazy writing process!

I would love to know your thoughts/feedback/criticisms. Preferably beyond- 'My God—that was just far too bloody long!' , or a simple 'Sod Off, Borne, you utter pillock!' ;p If you are signed up with FF, I am happy to discuss any and all such things via PM emails.

Kindest regards,

BorneToFlow : )

Oh! And finally, A BorneToFlow style Big Long Post Script !

P.S:

Current soundtrack to my writing if you want to know where some of this comes from in my mind:

So, quite a few songs that have been floating around in my life and then my head as I have been writing this and whose lyrics were possibly influential in my word choices at times, although none of them really speaks specifically to who I see Charles and Elsie as, nor do they exactly cover the topics covered in this particular chapter. However, there are a few lines within them that do touch upon the themes here-in presented, and they do most certainly speak to the bigger questions in life that we all have.

If nothing else, they are probably some of the most beautiful songs ever written by quite a few truly beautiful people who graced and even still graced the world with their presence through music.

Go find them and enjoy them.

oOOo

Tim Buckley- Once I Was

Once I was a soldier

And I fought on foreign sands for you

Once I was a hunter

And I brought home fresh meat for you

Once I was a lover

And I searched behind your eyes for you

And soon there'll be another

To tell you I was just a lie

oOOo

But sometimes I wonder

Just for a while

Will you ever remember me?

oOOo

Though you have forgotten

All of our rubbish dreams

I find myself searching

Through the ashes of our ruins

For the days when we smiled

And the hours that ran wild

With the magic of our eyes

And the silence of our words

oOOo

And sometimes I wonder

Just for a while

Will you ever, ever, ever remember me?

Ever remember me

oOOo

watch?v=rGJ9s22klE4

From the Album Goodbye and Hello (1967)

This video version someone put together has some poignant visuals of men in Vietnam War- which was contemporary to the release of Buckley's song- and sadly- it all rings so true, IMHO, of what men lose of themselves in any war – even back in the Great War of 1914-18- and it also shows civilian women scraping through the all of the ruins to try to survive. The more times change- the more they stay the same it seems… Now we have Syria, etc, etc…

And, yes, I do know, quite clearly, that my Elsie is really just a mouth piece for all of my current musing on all these things (Although, I would have been a conscientious objector to the war whereas her character at least came to support the necessity of WW1 in some way in this particlular take on it all). But really, someone out there,- and I am listening, truly- do try to convince me of something other than the seemingly glaring fact that many current iterations of masculinity in our societies, and the patriarchal belief systems and social structures that spring from these iterations of what it means to be a man who needs to find a place of power for themselves in society, are actually, in general, catastrophically bad for men, women, the gender diverse, children, animals and probably the whole ecological system of the planet alike…

Please?... : (

… I am listening.

And so, well beyond man-hating, blame, scorn and derision- styled feminism (which in my eyes actually takes up the most damaging aspects of how masculinity is coded within our various cultures with the way in which it's devotees try to assert their power over others), I actually think we need to work through all of these things far more intelligently, and possibly a little more clinically, together, if anything is ever going to change. And so, I prefer to think of myself as an equality-ist… if is there such a thing?!- or as Tom Branson so eloquently put it- "I don't believe in types, I just believe in people."

So, there it all is out on the table!

I am always open to discussion.

oOOo

*Back to the music, though!*

oOOo

Tim Buckley's- Song of the Siren

This is a hugely influential tune for me.

oOOo

Long afloat on shipless oceans

I did all my best to smile

'Til your singing eyes and fingers

Drew me loving to your isle

And you sang

Sail to me

Sail to me

Let me enfold you

Here I am

Here I am

Waiting to hold you

oOOo

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

Were you hare when I was fox? (sometimes heard/sung as 'Were you here when I was full sail'- which I much prefer)

Now my foolish boat is leaning

Broken lovelorn on your rocks,

For you sing, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow:

O my heart, O my heart shies from the sorrow"

oOOo

I am puzzled as the newborn child

I am troubled at the tide:

Should I stand amid the breakers?

Should I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing, "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you:

Here I am, here I am, waiting to hold you"

oOOo

watch?v=2pxvXI1i9cw

Also form the album Star Sailor (1970). This version has the beautiful and swimmy/ underwater backing vocals and guitar work.

oOOo

The next great song of love and longing and salvation-

Paul Simon- Kathy's Song

I hear the drizzle of the rain

Like a memory it falls

Soft and warm continuing

Tapping on my roof and walls

oOOo

And from the shelter of my mind

Through the window of my eyes

I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets

To England where my heart lies

oOOo

My mind's distracted and diffused

My thoughts are many miles away

They lie with you when you're asleep

And kiss you when you start your day

oOOo

And a song I was writing is left undone

I don't know why I spend my time

Writing songs I can't believe

With words that tear and strain to rhyme

oOOo

And so you see I have come to doubt

All that I once held as true

I stand alone without beliefs

The only truth I know is you

oOOo

And as I watch the drops of rain

Weave their weary paths and die

I know that I am like the rain

There but for the grace of you go I

oOOo

Here's Simon and Garfunkel back on speaking terms again- as older men- Art's voice is such a pure thing, even at this age.

watch?v=9FE6JTtCLK0

oOOo

I Shall be Released- Bob Dylan

But go and find the version performed by The Band who toured with Dylan for many years. (Rick Danko, Robbie Robertson, Levon Helm, Garth Hudson and Richard Manual)

The version I love is from their 1968 album – Music from the Big Pink.

Richard Manual is amazing on lead vocals in this, but these five men harmonise in the most natural and beautiful way. Stunning.

oOOo

They say everything can be replaced

They say every distance is not near

So I remember every face

Of every man who put me here

oOOo

I see my light come shinin'

From the west down to the east

Any day now, any day now

I shall be released

oOOo

They say every man needs protection

They say that every man must fall

Yet I swear I see my reflection

Somewhere so high above this wall

oOOo

I see my light come shinin'

From the west down to the east

Any day now, any day now

I shall be released

oOOo

Now yonder stands a man in this lonely crowd

A man who swears he's not to blame

All day long I hear him shouting so loud

Just crying out that he was framed

oOOo

I see my light come shinin'

From the west down to the east

Any day now, any day now

I shall be released

oOOo

watch?v=cqsm9NhGSiM&list=PLEvr99j7ruPwC5VgxJBdWD7l3bILNPqOp&index=11

And Here is a live version to make your skin prickle-

watch?v=KfxTL-vLF3s

Garth Hudson – the harmonium- chills. And I always love Levon Helm rasping deep south vocals as he drums (chase down The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down- Live at The Last Waltz for the best of Levon Helm)

oOOo

Whispering Pines by The Band from 1970 album The Band

Again, sung by Richard Manual, who very sadly, met a tragic end, as the truly gifted all too often do.

oOOo

If you find me in a gloom, or catch me in a dream

Inside my lonely room, there is no in between

Whispering pines, rising of the tide

If only one star shines

That's just enough to get inside

I will wait until it all goes 'round

With you in sight, the lost are found

oOOo

Foghorn through the night, calling out to sea

Protect my only light, 'cause she once belonged to me

Let the waves rush in, let the seagulls cry

For if I live again, these hopes will never die

I can feel you standing there

But I dont see you anywhere

oOOo

Standing by the well, wishing for the rains

Reaching for the clouds, for nothing else remains

Drifting in a daze, when evening will be done

Try looking through a haze

At an empty house, in the cold, cold sun

I will wait until it all goes round

With you in sight, the lost are found

oOOo

watch?v=SDyLukweBGw

oOOo

The Guests- By Leonard Cohen.

One by one, the guests arrive

The guests are coming through

The open-hearted many

The broken-hearted few

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

And those who dance, begin to dance

Those who weep begin

And "welcome, welcome" cries a voice

"Let all my guests come in"

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

And all go stumbling through that house

In lonely secrecy

Saying "do reveal yourself"

Or "why has thou forsaken me?"

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

All at once the torches flare

The inner door flies open

One by one they enter there

In every style of passion

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

And here they take their sweet repast

While house and grounds dissolve

And one by one the guests are cast beyond the garden wall

And no one knows where the night is going

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

Those who dance, begin to dance

Those who weep begin

Those who earnestly are lost

Are lost and lost again

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

One by the guests arrive

The guests are coming through

The broken-hearted many

The open-hearted few

oOOo

And no one knows where the night is going

And no one knows why the wine is flowing

Oh, love I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, oh

I need you now

oOOo

watch?v=l48aOXWKx4E&list=RDl48aOXWKx4E#t=64

This is a stunning version by Anohni (formerly Antony) and the Johnsons.

oOOo

If It Be Your Will- by Leonard Cohen.

oOOo

If it be your will

That I speak no more

And my voice be still

As it was before

I will speak no more

I shall abide until

I am spoken for

If it be your will

If it be your will

That a voice be true

From this broken hill

I will sing to you

From this broken hill

All your praises they shall ring

If it be your will

To let me sing

oOOo

From this broken hill

All your praises they shall ring

If it be your will

To let me sing

If it be your will

If there is a choice

Let the rivers fill

Let the hills rejoice

Let your mercy spill

On all these burning hearts in hell

If it be your will

To make us well

And draw us near

And bind us tight

All your children here

In their rags of light

In our rags of light

All dressed to kill

And end this night

If it be your will

oOOo

If it be your will.

oOOo

Again, this is the most stunning version I have heard – by Antony and the Johnsons (Now known as Anohni)-

The link is from the Cohen doco. I'm Your Man- and has Cohen commenting on why he wrote it. Antony/ Anohni's voice is … truly something special and it takes this song to a place that Cohen, with his speaking/singing style just could not (at least for me).

watch?v=1MDlMdu2gjw

oOOo

**What a gift all these men/women people are to the world. I'd take a poet-lover over a bloody-warrior any day, thank you very much!

How can songs like these make you weep in pain and weep for joy all at once?

These extremes seem to be at the very heart of this life.

Magic.

And so, yes, there is still much beauty in the world.

And Life is, generally, good.

Kindest regards,

BorneToFlow : )