Chapter 26: Broken Toys

The breeze shifted, ruffling the bushes and carrying the scent of sweet green grass, rotting bodies and clean water.

Carol swung the plastic water jugs she held, enjoying that they were still empty and easy to carry, and that the day had turned warm. More and more, it seemed like glimpses of spring were peeking through. Just last week, they'd been caught by that blizzard. Three nights ago Daryl had made her get up and do jumping jacks at three a.m. to get circulation back into her feet when even his dedicated spooning couldn't slow her shivers. But today, it was edging toward sixty degrees, the sky was the blue of a bottomless lake, and she couldn't hear a walker for miles.

It didn't hurt her mood that Daryl kept sending her sideways, searing looks. He didn't look like a man having clean thoughts.

She just smiled, a bit of a jaunt to her step. "If you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to do something that makes you blush."

He stole another glance at her; didn't look entirely unhappy about that idea.

It had only been a few days since he'd pushed her into the best climax she'd had in years without either of them even taking their clothes off. At this point, she would trade a steak dinner for an hour alone with him and four safe walls around them. It certainly didn't help her sexual frustration to lie close to his back all day on the motorcycle, especially with the big engine purring like a lullaby beneath her.

"How long ya been thinkin' things like that?" He raised one of his hands, still holding an empty milk jug, and scratched his forehead with a thumb. "'Bout me, I mean. Back at quarry camp, did ya?"

Her stomach sank a little at the question, and she focused on her footsteps, not tripping over any of the bones or logs they passed. She knew he'd watched her bathe back then, maybe even had the start of a crush on her. She didn't want to hurt him by admitting her head hadn't quite been in the same place.

"I was a married woman back then," she said slowly. "I was never the type to think of straying. And then, Ed was so jealous, I shut down even the part of me that enjoyed a nice looking man, in case he were to catch me peeking." There had been times she paid dearly for even a glance. It wasn't worth it. Nothing was.

She glanced around for walkers, thinking over the rest of it. She hadn't intended to talk about this, but then, why wouldn't she? Daryl would listen.

"At that point, sexual desire…it was like my dirty little secret."

His head jerked toward her. "What? Why?"

Sex with her and Ed had been boring on their best day, and unspeakable on their worst, but she wasn't about to say that to Daryl.

"My vibrator, I mean." She tossed him a little smile, telling the truth, but keeping it light. "Ed didn't know about it. I kept it hidden in the bottom of my box of tampons."

He would have thought it meant she was a hussy, lusting after other men. Hell, she only wished she'd have had the freedom and energy to lust after other men. It had been as much as she could do to survive, to keep Sophia safe. To try and cling to the good times when Ed wasn't angry with her and convince herself they had a future together, that they were a family.

"It was like my little rebellion, enjoying it when he was gone." She smirked, kicking through the grass. She could hear the stream now, so they must be getting close. "So yes, I think a part of me definitely noticed how handsome you were. But also…I was so scared all the time. Of walkers, for Sophia, watching Ed. I was distracted. But once Ed and Merle were gone, you were good to me. In little ways, but you were. I noticed."

They glanced at each other at the same time, their eyes colliding. She could see the question in him, the longing. It was so familiar, that want to be seen. She fought her own battles with it, nearly daily. So she answered it.

"That night in the CDC, when you slept on my lap. I think that's what started to change things for me."

They reached the stream and she picked her way down the bank to the edge, squatting to fill her jugs. Daryl knelt by her side, still watching her. Before she quite realized what he was doing, he leaned over and pushed a rough kiss into her cheek.

A smile blossomed on her face. "Hey, where are you going?" She put her water containers down and cupped his jaw with a hand, drawing his face back to hers for a slower, more thorough kiss. He pulled her to standing, his arm around her back lifting her off the ground to settle her closer. A throaty moan escaped her at the sensation of being matched tightly to his body, from muscular thighs to his strong chest.

"Sorry," he muttered, loosening his grip.

"No, do it again."

His arm tightened spasmodically, as if it set him reeling just to hear her say she liked it. And she did. Just those few seconds of friction against him had her gasping, hopelessly turned on. She'd felt desire with her vibrator, but it was so much more intoxicating when it was for another person. It spread beyond the center of her and thrilled all the way out into her fingers and toes. Hell, even her knees were starting to tingle.

Daryl kissed her, over and over, pulling back a little in between like each one was a separate experiment, a foray requiring him to build up his courage all over again. In the distance, a growling moan sounded, but his lips were just starting to part against hers and she didn't want to stop. She wanted his hands on her. Those quick, capable hands that somehow turned hesitant and uncertain as soon as they encountered her skin.

Carol pulled back with a groan. "Daryl, there's a walker."

"What?"

She pointed to where she'd heard the moan and he hauled his crossbow off his back and shot it. He turned in a slow circle, scrutinizing the forest around them, and then cursed darkly as he slung his bow onto his back again. Carol pretended not to notice when he had to adjust the front of his pants.

"Can't be kissing on you out here," he growled, snatching up a water jug and slamming it into the creek. "Get us both killed."

"Ah, but what a way to die…" She bumped his shoulder with hers, trying to get a smile out of him. It did not work.

Sighing, she pulled the top off her water jug and started to fill it, letting the chilly water run over her hands in hopes it would cool off the rest of her. What she wouldn't give for a hotel room…

When all four water containers were full, they started back. They only got a few yards before a female walker staggered out of the trees. She wore cut-off shorts and a halter top that had gotten twisted, one of her breasts shoved half-out of the opening. Daryl looked away.

"I'll get this one." Carol set down her water and pulled her knife, making sure her gun was ready if she needed it.

"Don't walk straight up to 'em if ya don't have to." Daryl nodded. "Let her come after me, get her from the side or behind. That way they can't grab ya." He set down his water and took a couple steps forward, clapping his hands to draw the walker, though he still wouldn't look directly at her.

Carol moved behind the walker, but seeing her zero in on Daryl made Carol's stomach churn. She jumped forward and crammed her knife up into the back of the walker's skull with all her strength.

"Don't have to stab so hard," Daryl said as the walker fell. "Save ya energy. That's the whole point o' sneaking up on 'em."

"Sorry," she said, though she wasn't. That walker's rotted hands reaching for him made her wish she had an excuse to stab it again. She wiped off her knife and put it away, retrieving her water. He still looked unhappy, probably feeling guilty about not hearing that walker earlier. "After the CDC," she said. "I kept catching myself looking at you."

He blinked, surprised.

"You probably never even noticed, but I was watching you that day, on the road." She smirked. "I'd just taken my first really good look at your ass when you went by. I found this red dress a second later and it was like this lightbulb went on. Like, maybe I could make myself pretty again."

Daryl smiled, shyly. "What day was that?"

"The day Sophia disappeared," Carol said matter-of-factly. She tipped her head. "For a while, I thought that was God punishing me for being a hussy. Distracted by a handsome man so I didn't keep my daughter close enough. But back then, even if she'd been under the same car as me, I couldn't have saved her from those walkers. I would have just died with her." She gulped a breath and let it out slow. That walker a moment ago had been as easy as taking out the trash. But it hadn't been like that, back when she lost Sophia.

Daryl bumped her with his shoulder, looking worried.

"I'm okay." She met his eyes so he could see she wasn't lying. "The rest of the group gets so skittish when I so much as say her name. But I miss talking about her."

He slid a long finger into the handle of one of her water jugs, took it right out of her hand. He transferred three of the jugs to one of his hands and she was so distracted wondering how he could grip all three at once that she almost jumped when he took her hand.

"Started lookin' at ya the second day in camp."

She ducked her head, smiling at the ground. His attempt to cheer her up was painfully obvious, but it was also kind of working. "The second day, huh? What'd I do wrong on the first?"

"Nothin'. I just…dunno, wasn't paying attention."

"And you were on the second?"

"You was playin' with your little girl and something she did made you laugh. Your face…" He stole a glance at her. "Never saw a girl so pretty with short hair."

"Thanks a lot," she said dryly.

"Not what I meant. Just, like it long usually. That's all."

She squeezed his hand so he'd know she was teasing, letting their hands swing a little as she walked. The jug in her right hand didn't seem so heavy today. It was an odd thought, knowing a man had been looking at her in that way during a time when she hardly felt like a woman at all. When she certainly hadn't felt attractive.

"Is that why you searched so hard for Sophia? Because you were starting to like me?"

He shook his head. "Nah."

He didn't say more, but strangely, knowing that made her feel a little better.

They were coming back into sight of camp now, and Daryl pulled his hand away.

Carol's face stiffened. "Since you got to ask a question, do I get one, too?"

He swapped a water jug to his now-free hand. "Mm. If ya want."

"Why don't you ever touch me when anyone else can see? It's not like the others don't know about us."

He started fidgeting, taking a step toward camp, then back away. He looked supremely uncomfortable. "Dunno. Seems like bad luck, 's all."

Her stomach twisted a little. Of course he would think that, living the life he had. Now that she thought about it, he rarely showed happiness of any kind. Smiled like it was a secret. The way he laughed, it hardly made a sound.

"Your father's not here anymore, to break anything that's important to you," she said quietly. "I'm not some toy you're never going to get to keep."

He stared past her, and when she followed his gaze to see if there was a walker, there was. Except it was already dead, its face destroyed, but its tiny body still dressed in a red Hello Kitty jumper.

"I dunno," Daryl said. "Think God likes breaking shit as much as my daddy ever did."

Author's Note: If you watch that clip of Carol finding the red dress, it was right after Daryl went by, which tickled my writer's imagination something fierce. Actually, in early Season 2 there are a lot of moments where the camera catches them watching each other, which is weird because I don't think the writers had planned anything special for the two of them at that point. McReedus feels? My writer's imagination gone wild? Could be either.

Fun fact: Next chapter has my favorite chapter name of the whole fic. It is weird AF.