3 –
Yesterday I died. Your funeral just killed me. Just the word on its own, funeral, it feels so strange, so… hollow. I mean, you were already buried days ago, with all the others who died in the Battle of Hogwarts. The Battle of Hogwarts – this is how they all call it, you know. I call it… I don't call it anything at all. I just don't talk about it, or even think about it most times. Anyways, a few days ago they held a big, huge service for all of the Heroes of Hogwarts (another stupid name for the simplest thing in the world: people dying), but yesterday our family and friends had our own little ceremony to finally say goodbye to you. It was the hardest, the worst thing I ever witnessed. Mum broke down completely and had to be taken into the house, and we still heard her sobbing to the tent right on the far side of the garden where we had assembled to bid our final goodbyes to you. Sounds quite formal, eh? That is how Dad kept calling it, bidding our final goodbyes. Doesn't he realize that there WAS no final goodbye for any of us except Percy, Ron, Harry and Hermione? They all saw you die, they heard your last words, saw your last laugh, and I actually envy them so much. It's strange and horribly wrong, wanting to have been by your side when you died, but there's no one who should have been with you but me. I don't even remember how we were separated, but somehow we were, and I can't remember the last thing I said to you, or the last thing you said to me, and I hate that. And I hate them. They were with you, and they didn't protect you, they didn't bring you back to me. All they brought was your broken body. I looked into your eyes, but you were gone, and that quirky little smile on your face made it even worse. You looked so damn alive, Freddie, except for your eyes, they were dead, and you were dead and I wasn't with you. I lost you and Percy and Ron found you and were with you and I wasn't. I'm never gonna be able to live with that, you know? And it doesn't help at all that Ron said you were happy about Percy being back, that you were laughing with him in your last seconds, because you were supposed to be with ME, laughing with ME, fighting with ME by your side, and I wasn't there and now you won't be with me ever again. I lie awake at night, every night, because in my dreams you are alive, and it feels so real, and when I open my eyes I'm just greeted by your stupid unmade bed with those stupid green sheets and your stupid smell still lingering in the air, as if you had just gotten up a minute ago, and every fucking day I am reminded that you'll never get up again, that your smell will fade one day and that I'll forget about the way your smile was all lazy in the mornings, your voice all hoarse when you just got up, yelling that you were the firstborn and therefore the right to be fist the bathroom belonged to you as well… I hated that, you know, and now I miss it so much it hurts.