16/02-17
Dear diary
I cannot believe it's been only a week. It feels like a million years, I am not even exaggerating. I feel like all I have done is laying in my bed, crying. Ludwig has come to visit me, but not even that cheered me up. It's so weird because I always thought that Ludwig would cheer me up, he would make it get better and that he would be the only one to calm me down when I was worried. Weirdly enough, it does not help when he's here. Yes, I do not feel as alone, and yes, it's nice to have someone to talk to, but as soon as he leaves again I feel the same. Diary I don't know what to do. Not even Sebastiano smiles anymore. I hadn't ever imagined that I would lose one of my brothers, especially not both. I know Sebastiano isn't dead, but the Sebastiano I used to know is gone. He doesn't feel the same. It's fair enough though, I am not the same either. I'm a crying mess. I have nightmares, horrible ones where my whole family dies. Ones where I am the dead one. Ones where Ludwig dies. They're all wicked and morbid and it makes me sick just to think of them. The funeral was this Sunday and I have honestly never felt so empty inside. To see mum and dad's names on grave stones is hard enough, but to see Lovino's on one beside them… the pain is numbing. It isn't even pain, it's indescribable agony. My heart physically aches when I think of him, mention his name, or hear about him. It's like he's everywhere. I can barely even walk down the hallway because Lovino's door is there, reminding me of what I had a mere week ago.
Today I went to school for the first time and I got swarmed with people who felt sorry for me, Francis even gave me flowers. I know they mean well, but it's annoying to be bombarded with 'I'm sorry for your loss'. I don't want to be reminded of it! But of course, I should be grateful that people care and I am, trust me. It's just really frustrating when all I want to do is forget. I don't want to forget about Lovino, never, but I want to forget the pain that his death bears.
Both Arthur and Antonio have apparently taken the blame upon themselves. They shouldn't do that though. I do see where they're coming from, but it really is not their fault. It's no one's fault. Yet I feel like it's mine and… I just want to scream!
Why do things like this happen diary? Why is it that good people like Lovino feel so horrible about themselves and their lives, that they think their only way out is suicide? Why do you people with bright futures like Francis get cancer? Why is it that innocent citizens get murdered in war? Why do terrorists exist? Why do parents die? Why do I have panic attacks? Why do people discriminate others? Why do people rape?
Why is the world such a cruel place?
I cannot understand, I cannot even begin to understand it and it makes me so mad and frustrated.
I do not think I can take more bad news diary - Feliciano Vargas