4. Villains Among Us

If traveling through Gotham by air by day was breathtaking, traveling through Gotham by night, when it had been completely lit up like a constellation, was like a landscape from a dream. It was long past sundown when Firefly carried Ragdoll back from their latest escapade, and the sight of the glittering city from above had actually rendered the latter speechless.

"Did I tell you or did I tell you?" Firefly laughed.

As they neared Firefly's apartment, the duo became aware of a new set of lights: flashing red and blue.

"That better not be what I think it is," Firefly groaned.

"What do you think it is?" Ragdoll asked. "Because I think Gotham's finest have figured out where you live."

"That is EXACTLY what's happening."

Firefly landed several blocks away, and he and Ragdoll crept up on the scene from a back alley, watching from a safe distance, shrouded in shadows, as officers swarmed the building. Commissioner James Gordon stepped out of the front door, shaking his head. While neither Firefly nor Ragdoll was close enough to hear, they could guess at what he was saying: "He isn't here. Stake the place out. He probably won't turn up when he sees all this, but we might still get a lead if we wait."

"Are you wanted for anything?" Ragdoll asked.

"Um, we're both supposed to be locked up right now," Firefly pointed out. "That's enough." Even though he was helmeted, Ragdoll could guess how forlornly he looked to the place he had once called home. "Guess I'm calling it quits on THAT place."

Ragdoll stepped a bit nearer to his companion in crime; he knew Firefly would need a place to stay for the night at least, and was this not a fortuitous happening to bring them closer still? "You know…I have a safehouse as well, and to my knowledge, it remains undiscovered. If you need somewhere to stay…"

"You serious?" Firefly asked.

"Dead serious."

"Taking you up on that," Firefly said immediately. "No take-backs."

"No take-backs were intended. There's room enough for the both of us. We may, however, want to get a move on before the search spreads out."

Firefly locked his arm around Ragdoll's waist for takeoff. "Tell me the way. And try not to get distracted by all the shiny lights." The pair blasted off into the air.

"First," Ragdoll directed, "you're going to want to head east…"

...

"…And we're here."

Firefly removed his helmet in order to get a better look at what he was actually seeing. Once again, he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. "When you said there was room for both of us…" He blinked several times to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

Ragdoll's safehouse was completely luxurious. The living room was twice the size of Firefly's previous one. A host of doors led to spare bedrooms and bathrooms. Small tables holding up pieces of modern art spangled the floor near the walls.

"That one's mine," Ragdoll pointed out, indicating a door. "You can have that one." He indicated an adjacent door.

"No way." Firefly opened said door to reveal a king-sized bed laden with pillows. "This is MINE?"

"Didn't I just say it was?"

"How…how can you AFFORD this?"

"I'm a very, VERY good thief," Ragdoll replied smugly.

Firefly checked out the nearest bathroom next. Marble countertops, lighted mirrors, and faucets that didn't activate until he swiped his hand beneath them. "Peter Merkel," he muttered, "are you even real?"

He walked back out to the living room. "You weren't kidding that there'd be enough room," he remarked. "You won't even notice I'm here, will you?"

Oh, I'll notice, Ragdoll thought. "The room's yours as long as you need it. Or want it."

"Ehh, this is probably gonna be a one-night deal," Firefly stated. "I'll get on finding my own place tomorrow. That's gonna be a pain. But for now…I am VERY tired."

Ragdoll gestured back toward the spare room with both arms. "Your suite awaits."

Firefly re-entered and flopped back down on the bed in full armor. "Can I just sleep like this?"

"It's none of my business."

"See you in the morning, Peter. And, uh…" Firefly pried himself up off the bed to turn and look Ragdoll in the eye, or at least the eyes of his hood. "Thanks."

"Sleep well, Garfield." Ragdoll pulled the door shut behind him.

...

Garfield really had intended to stay at Peter's apartment for one night only. But after the first three days of not finding any new prospects that weren't absolute dumps, he kept on returning. And after a week, his search became half-hearted and lackluster until he abandoned it entirely.

At first, he and Peter simply shared space, entering and leaving on their own time, disappearing to their separate rooms as their schedules dictated. Then, one night saw them arriving back at the safehouse at the exact same time.

"Score anything neat?" Garfield asked.

"That depends." Peter produced from his pocket a diamond the size of his fist. "Does this count as neat?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

"What about you? Lucrative business night?"

"I have no idea whether there are actual plagiarists at Dark Night Rises Fiction Press, but one thing's for sure: those manuscripts are in NO shape to get bound now."

As they entered the kitchen – Peter to set a pot of decaf coffee to boil and Garfield to jam three strands of red licorice into his mouth – Garfield muttered around the candy, "Are we actually home at the same time?"

"Apparently," Peter replied.

"Y'know, since we're both home and all, maybe we should, y'know, hang out for a bit," Garfield suggested. There, he thought, was that so hard?
"I concur," Peter replied calmly, though his inner monologue was anything but calm.

"What do you do for fun, anyway?" Garfield asked. "Watch stupid game shows, yell the answers the idiots on them can't get, and pig out on popcorn until one of us barfs?"

"…Is that what you're into?"

Not ten minutes later, Garfield was stretched out on the leather couch while Peter was curled up in the adjacent chair in front of the large-screen television, each guarding his own bowl of popcorn (they had started out on the couch together, but Garfield had kicked Peter to his own piece of furniture after Peter had tried raiding Garfield's bowl). As a contestant on the currently playing quiz show failed to name the lead actor of a summer blockbuster, Garfield lobbed a handful of popcorn at the screen; "It's Jason Walch, you IDIOT."

Another misspoke the capital of Belgium, to which Peter groaned, "Is it REALLY so hard to remember BRUSSELS?"

Someone else faltered on the first amendments of the Constitution, prompting both of them to growl "BILL. OF. RIGHTS."

"Who DOESN'T have that drilled into their head from high school?" Garfield added. He then noticed Peter had one hand held up. "Okay, what's that for?"

"High five for synchrony," Peter answered. "We could actually complete it if you'd let me back on the couch."

Garfield protectively clutched his bowl. "I see right through your tricks. Why do you want MY bowl, anyway? You have your own bowl!"

"I make my living stealing things, Garfield."

"Well, you're not stealing my popcorn."

"This was a good idea," Peter commented.

"Why haven't we done this before?" Garfield wondered out loud. "Well, we're doing this again."

...

And they did, joining up on nights when neither was tied up in order to lounge in front of the television, find something to make commentary about, make small talk, and occasionally eat junk food. One night, they ended up staying up into the morning hours pointing out the flaws of some old black-and-white romance film.

"Okay, it's not like I actually give a darn about any of these characters," Garfield sighed, "but this woman has worse taste in men than Harley Quinn."

"So I'm not the only one who was thinking it," Peter replied.

"It's Joker," Garfield reminded him. "I'm pretty sure everyone except Harley sees the problem with this."

"I wonder where she is now."

"Probably off Joker-gassing random civilians in the name of love," Garfield guessed. "Unless Joker got sick of her and offed her already."

"He wouldn't…would he?" Peter's tone betrayed definite worry.

Garfield started to feel a strange twist in his stomach brought on by the thought of Harley dead. "Probably not. Forget I said anything."

They silently, unanimously agreed to shrug off the thought.

The couple onscreen engaged in a deep kiss, cuing the credits to roll, and Garfield responded with an exaggerated gagging noise.

Peter figured now was as good a time as any to test the waters. "What's turned you so against romance, anyway?"

"Long story," Garfield sighed. "It's already three in the morning."

"Last night, you were out until six on a job. You're just dodging the question."

"Yeah, I'm dodging the question," Garfield confirmed. "It's personal, okay? You don't see me prying into your love life."

"Well, that's just too bad," Peter told him. "Because you're completely missing out knowing about that person in Gotham whom I secretly admire."

Garfield shifted into more of a sitting position to look at Peter directly. "You're kidding."

"I'm not kidding." Peter fired a wink in Garfield's direction.

"Who is it?"

"That's personal, Garfield."

"It's Catwoman, isn't it? It HAS to be Catwoman."

"Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't."

"You HAVE to tell me," Garfield insisted. "I'll tell you who ruined relationships for me."

"Oh, really?"

Garfield took a deep breath, then let it out slowly in preparation for his confession: "Mr. Freeze."

That caught Peter off guard. He'd convinced himself that Garfield was exclusively straight. "I hadn't realized your tastes ran that way."

"To guys, to villains, or to walking blizzards?"
"To men, though I suppose natural phenomena is similarly applicable."

"I swing both ways," Garfield clarified. "Guys, girls…this is WAY too much information for three in the morning."

"I'm not judging."

"Anyway, I took this job with Freeze once," Garfield explained. "It started out just being about the money, but then, I dunno, something about him kinda just pulled me in. So I started kinda teasing and flirting with him, and every single time, he would shut me down and yap at me about the work I was supposed to be doing, which I was DOING, because I'm a PROFESSIONAL and I don't MESS AROUND. Of course, Freeze was convinced I was just slacking off at every angle. Anyway, we got busted by the Bat, and I told Freeze I had it under control, and he ice-blasted me into a wall. And that's when it hit me. The whole time, I had him on this pedestal of being this total hottie who was my kind of evil, and maybe I thought he was the one. But all he ever saw in me was a tool to get his work done, and if I messed up, I was less than worthless to him. He probably would've been better off programming a robot to set fires. Anyway…after that, I was just kinda…done. I went off on him, we broke up…the alliance, I mean; he never knew how I actually felt about him…and I decided I wasn't falling for that again. From anybody." He then gave a deflating sigh. "Actually, the one with worse taste in men than Harley might be me."

Peter took a moment to choose his words carefully: "That isn't entirely true. One can see a certain appeal in – "

"One can see he was using me from day one is what." Garfield leaned his head back on the arm of the couch. "Y'know, for a pyro, I do not understand why I'm the one who gets burned."

"Well, what's done is done." Peter shrugged. "I'm certain that should you ever want to get back in the game, there are plenty of villains out there who would appreciate you and your talents for what they are."

"Now I know we're up too late," Garfield teased. "You're being weirdly nice."

"Did you want me to steal anything important of Freeze's, by the way? Or I could try other forms of sabotage. In case you didn't leave him with a good enough parting gift."

"Okay, now THAT'S the Peter I'm used to." Garfield tilted his head back up and smiled. "Anyway, I may be a torch for hire, but I am NOT letting anyone walk over me like that again. Okay. I told you mine. Now you have to tell me yours."

"When did I agree to that?" Peter asked smugly.

Garfield's face fell. "You said if I told you why I don't do relationships – "

"I never said that," Peter informed him. "You made that conclusion on your own. And I wasn't going to correct you."

"WHAT?"

Garfield just gaped as Peter's smile took on its most smug demeanor.

"Peter Merkel," Garfield growled, "you're a JERK." He grabbed a throw pillow off the couch and hurled it at Peter's head.

Peter just let it collide with him before breaking down into high-pitched laughter.

"I'm going to bed," Garfield muttered, prying himself off the couch. "Jerk."

"Garfield?" Peter called out as Garfield stormed toward his room.

"WHAT?" Garfield cried in exasperation, turning back toward Peter.

"It's Freeze's loss, really."

Garfield had no idea what to make of that. "Okay," he relented, "you're not a COMPLETE jerk. But you're still a jerk." He turned back to his room. "Night."

"Sleep well, Garfield."

"Nyeh."

Peter remained where he was for a while. Garfield had given him a lot to consider. He finally knew the answer to a question that had been on his mind since they'd first met. He'd never had a strong opinion on Mr. Freeze one way or the other, but he now had the feeling the man should at the very least meet with some aggravating karma.

And now he knew that if Garfield ever did decide he wasn't disillusioned with love, Peter had a chance.

...

Laying awake in bed, Peter wondered yet again if there would be any harm in letting Garfield in on his little secret after all. They were close. Surely Garfield would understand.

But it was as Peter had told Harley. If Garfield did indeed find it too awkward to be able to do business with someone who was obviously attracted to him, their partnership was over. And Peter wasn't about to risk losing what relationship they did have.

Yes. It was better, he thought as he rolled over and drifted to sleep, that his mouth stayed shut on the subject.

...

"So I hope you don't mind that I basically live here now," Garfield muttered around a mouthful of potato chips while he lay on the couch.

"It's a little late to ask me that now, don't you think?" Peter teased from his position on the chair.

"You've got almost everything a guy could want here," Garfield pointed out. "And besides, I kind of like being around somebody I can trust as a business partner. EVEN IF I CAN'T TRUST HIM TO STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL BUSINESS."

"I still maintain you walked into that on your own," Peter reminded him smugly. "Also, 'almost' everything? I thought I'd made sure to have absolutely every comfort a person could want. Don't tell me I've somehow failed to steal SOMETHING."

"Eh, it's just probably not something you're that into," Garfield explained. "I just usually kill my spare hours on video games, and I'm betting the commish has all of mine in an evidence locker right now."

"I'd ask what console you preferred, but it's not as if it matters."

"Why?"

"Because," Peter replied all too happily, "we have an ice cream truck. We can fill it with one of everything. I'm not doing anything tonight; what do you think?"

"Okay, not gonna lie," Garfield replied, "there was actually a specific game I was waiting for that came out this week. I have nothing else to do, so if you're in…"

Exchanging a quick glance, the pair hustled to suit up for their next robbery.

...

The ice cream truck pulled into the back lot of Gotham's premier toy and electronic store. A quick survey revealed the lot was deserted, indicating the store probably was as well. Firefly burst from the back door, and by the time Ragdoll had caught up to him, he was already searing a hole in the store's rear wall. This led them to the back storeroom, where one of every game console currenty on the market was lined up for the taking, and take them, Firefly and Ragdoll did, shuttling them out to the ice cream truck and coming back for more.

Firefly buzzed onto the sales floor, shattering the game display cabinet to pluck a copy of anything that looked interesting out of it. As he pored over the selection, he was suddenly aware of the sound of a bicycle horn. Sure he was about to look over at the source of the noise and see Ragdoll testing out the bikes on display, he groaned, "Real mature, R.D. – "

He was seized by the arm and dragged across the sales floor. "That was not me," Ragdoll informed Firefly. "We're hiding."

"Where are you – " Firefly twisted around to see exactly the hiding spot Ragdoll had in mind for both of them. "Um, no. R.D., no."

"Ragdoll, yes." Ragdoll dumped Firefly into a large basin-shaped display filled with life-sized teddy bears. Firefly was only just able to arrange the giant plush animals to cover himself and his armor; Ragdoll was able to slip into the display a lot more inconspicuously. Firefly found himself all the more confused when Ragdoll withdrew a small blade from a hidden pocket and started carving a tear in the back of one of the bears.

"What are you doing?" Firefly hissed.

Ragdoll didn't answer. Instead, when he'd finished his work, he simply slipped inside the bear.

"You are going to suffocate in there!" Firefly insisted quietly.

"You're not my mother" was the muffled reply from inside the bear.

Firefly edged one of the teddy bears' limbs out of the way just enough to get a view of what was happening. Joker had struck the store on the same night, and came pedaling into view on a tricycle, honking the horn with an expression of malicious glee. Aboard a glittery two-wheeler with ribbons on the handles, Harley Quinn followed him, her smile a lot more earnest.

"You're not gonna believe this," Firefly whispered. "It's Joker and Harley."

A wave of relief washed over Firefly and Ragdoll to know that after all this time without having seen her, they could verify Harley wasn't dead. Seeing Joker was a far less pleasant ordeal.

Joker dismounted the trike, walking around back to a red wagon that had been tied to the back of it. This wagon contained what looked like professionally packaged toys, but as each one was built to resemble the Joker himself, they obviously hadn't been sanctioned by any major toy company. "We're almost there, Harley!" Joker cackled, lifting up one of the toy Jokers. "By this time tomorrow, my little Joker dolls will be in every household in Gotham, and after they've worked their magic, they should have convinced all of the little children to bring all the valuables of their household to us!"

"I dunno," Harley remarked, dismounting her bike and putting up the kickstand. "It still don't seem quite right to me, pickin' on kids. Can't we find a way to hypnotize grown-ups instead?"

"Are you questioning me?" Joker growled.

"No, no…" Harley put up both hands and backed up a step. "After all, we're just hypnotizin' 'em, right? Not hurtin' 'em?"
"Because in this plan, they're no use to me hurt," Joker reminded her.

"This isn't me questionin' you either," Harley continued, "but I just worry that kids won't wanna buy anything that reminds 'em of you."

"Nonsense!" Joker laughed. "Kids these days love villains!"

"Well…" Harley recalled, "I do know somebody who said he was real into villains when he was a kid, so I guess ya got a point."

The teddy bear Ragdoll was hiding in reached back and nudged Firefly with one paw. Firefly took that to mean Ragdoll knew exactly who Harley was referring to.

"Hey, wait a minute…" Harley noticed the broken video game case. "Why's this all busted?" She reached in, plucking out a copy of the very game Firefly had wanted. "Hey, I've been waitin' on this one!"

"Stop wasting time!" Joker commanded Harley. "Now get these on the shelf!"

"You got it, Mr. J!" Harley scooped several of the Joker dolls up into her arms.

Then yet another intruder arrived on the scene: "Put those down, Harley. I think we both know you don't want to use them."

Harley dropped the load she was carrying out of shock; Joker was more disgruntled than startled. "Batsy," Joker growled as he turned to see the Batman standing behind them. "What an unwelcome surprise."

"And don't forget me," Robin stated, stepping forward. "Because two versus one just isn't a fair fight. So, what're you trying to do now? Are those things rigged to explode or something?"

"That's none of YOUR business!" Joker snarled. "Though, I suppose if you really want to find out…" He ripped open the packaging of one of the dolls and threw it at Robin. "Do you feel LUCKY?"

Robin yelped and darted out of the doll's trajectory; Batman stepped in front of it and smacked it off course. It clattered harmlessly to the floor.

"Catch me if you can, Batsy!" Joker swiped a skateboard off the wall display, and, gathering a plethora of Joker dolls up into his arms, he leapt onto the board, taking off into the depths of the store with a mad laugh.

"WAIT, PUDDIN'!" Harley tried to run after the skateboarding Joker. "WAIT FOR ME!"

Joker didn't even give a backward glance as the Batman and Robin stepped into Harley's path.

"I can handle Harley," Robin stated. "You go after Joker."

The Batman nodded, then turned and sprinted in the direction of Joker's getaway.

"I didn't really wanna hurt a kid," Harley told Robin.

"That's okay," Robin told her, punching his open palm. "You're not gonna." His expression softened; "Though I didn't wanna hit a girl."

"That's okay!" Harley, looking around, decided to be resourceful and grab a baseball bat off a shelf. "You ain't gonna!"

She took a swing at Robin; he expertly dodged the blow. Grabbing his own baseball bat, Robin twirled it like a staff, then parried the next hit from Harley, which came down hard. They continued bat-to-bat combat for a while.

"Now?" the muffled voice came from the teddy bear.

"Yeah," Firefly agreed. "Now."

As Robin and Harley dueled, neither of them noticed that one of the gigantic teddy bears had apparently gotten up of its own volition and was running full speed at the pair; they became aware of the bear when it began to slam its paws down hard on Robin. "Ow, ow!" Robin yelped. "Cut that out!"

The bear shoved Robin completely over before Ragdoll discarded his plush new skin, dumping it on top of Robin as a parting gift. "You're the only child I've ever seen get beaten up by a teddy bear," he remarked. "That's for the air duct during the Team Penguin robbery, by the way."

"Get back!" Firefly warned as he soared overhead, dumping a line of giant plush animals in front of Robin. Ragdoll, sensing what he was about to do, grabbed Harley by the wrist and began to run with her, toward the back wall, as far away from the line of plushies as possible. As soon as Robin had gotten up, Firefly set the first stuffed animal in the chain alight, and they became a blazing wall of flaming fur blocking the young superhero off from the three villains. Firefly quickly swooped back to his now-useless hiding place to grab his stockpile of games before zooming after Ragdoll and Harley. Ragdoll, in his usual fashion, made sure to look back over his shoulder at Robin – who was trying to figure out a safe way past the wall of fire – and call out "TOODLES!"

"And he thought TWO on one wasn't fair," Firefly chuckled.

"Thanks, you guys!" Harley gushed earnestly. "Mr. J ain't gonna be happy about this one."

"We'll worry about that later," Ragdoll decided.

"For now, let's just get outta here!" Firefly insisted.

"What about Mr. J?" Harley worried.

"Is he ever NOT fine?" Firefly grumbled.

"Yeah…he can hold his own," Harley confirmed. "All right. Let's make like a tree already!"

In almost no time, Harley, Ragdoll, and Firefly had escaped through the portal in the back wall and boarded the ice cream truck. Ragdoll practically floored it, and the truck took off like a rocket through the Gotham streets, charting a course of double-backs and misleads in case of followers.

"I'll say this much for Joker," Firefly commented. "He does make a great diversion."

"Y'know, it's kinda funny how we keep endin' up robbin' the same places," Harley pointed out. She then got a look at the games Firefly was carrying, plucking the one she'd been interested in from his arms. "Hey! I wanted this one!"

"That's why we decided to save you," Firefly told her. "You've got good taste."

"I coulda taken care of myself back there, just so we're clear," Harley insisted.

"We know," Ragdoll responded. "Just thought we'd do things the easy way for once."

"So where are we goin'?" Harley asked.

"Well, we have a safehouse," Ragdoll explained. "But you have to swear not to breathe a word of it to Joker."

"Cross my heart and hope to die," Harley stated, and she meant it. Even she knew that letting Joker know where her friends called home wasn't a good idea. She firmly believed Joker was too fond of her to harm her, but if he ever had anything against Ragdoll or Firefly, she didn't quite trust him to leave them alone if she asked.

"In that case," Ragdoll informed her, "we're going home."

...

"THIS is your HOME?" Harley was flabbergasted as she cast her gaze around the enormous apartment.

"I'm still waiting until it turns out to be a greenscreen projection," Garfield told her.

"But how are you…" Harley pointed to this and that. "How did you…"

"I'm a VERY good thief," Peter reiterated.

"So what happens now?" Firefly asked. "I'm guessing you gotta head back to Joker's place once the heat dies down."

"Yeah, well, the heat's gonna be on for a while," Harley pointed out. "The Bat's gonna be lookin' for us all night. Particularly Mr. J. Probably ain't safe to head back for a couple more hours. You guys mind if I…?"

"Stay here?" Peter filled in. "I think I speak for Garfield when I say we'd be honored to host a celebrity guest."

"Aw, you guys, you know I'm not a celebrity anymore!" Harley replied with a shy wave of her hand.

"You can do whatever you want," Garfield told her, holding up the game he'd stolen. "But I spent way too long hiding in a bucket of teddy bears to get this, and I'm not gonna waste it now."

"Well, I'm on board with that!" Harley cried. "I hear this one's finally supposed to answer most of the questions from the last one!"

"Fine by me, so long as I just get to kick some monster butt," Garfield replied. "Dibs on the controller for the first half hour."

"Dibs on the next half hour," Harley called. "That puts Peter third. Peter…you have played these, right?"
"This would be my first," Peter confirmed.

"WHAT?" Harley's jaw dropped. "Well, then, we gotta catch you up on all the story first before we just throw you into this one! Okay, so it starts out with this guy – "

"Are you really going to try and give him all the lore in ten minutes?" Garfield stated skeptically.

"Twenty, tops," Harley stated. "You can time me. So anyway – "

"We're also going to need popcorn for this," Garfield muttered, heading to the kitchen to procure a batch.

After a lot of exposition, the passing around of popcorn, and the warning of Harley to keep her bowl a good distance away from Peter unless she wanted him to deplete half of it, the three settled down to begin playing the newly acquired game. It was four in the morning before Harley stated, "It's probably safe to go back now, and Mr. J's gonna be waitin'. But thanks for lettin' me stay. Would ya mind if I maybe came back sometime? To tell you the truth, I kinda missed both you guys."

Neither wanted to admit that they'd missed Harley too. "Just be sure to come alone," Peter insisted.

"Readin' ya loud and clear!" Harley said with a nod.

Then she left, getting herself good and lost among the bright Gotham lights.