Chapter 51: The Spider Knows All

According to Wikipedia, the Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man.

...this chapter passes it. WHOOO! *throws confetti in the air*

The moon was barely shining that night. The clouds were covering it, the resulting darkness an oppressive blanket over the desert. The roads that cut through it were barely lit, save for a few car headlights, the drivers forced to drive through this particular night.

One such driver was a young man, who was behind the wheel of a large truck. Something was wrong with him. The front of the vehicle swerved between the yellow lines of the two way street, the end of it failing to match its speed. The truck continued to swerve like this, through the dusty road and past the rock formations throughout the desert.

The driver could vaguely see a car in front of him, a small thing. He stayed in one lane, desperate to obey the traffic laws. He was nearly tailgating the smaller car, but it was better than his earlier drunken driving.

No, no, something was going wrong again. There were flashes before his eyes-he could see monsters walking past him, pink, pulsating walls, black and purple computers. And he could hear voices too, angry tones accompanied by an undertone of hissing. The driver was hyperventilating, sweat pouring down his face, mouth open wide.

The truck swerved towards the right of the road, nearly spilling over to the desert. The smaller car quickly changed lanes; the truck driver didn't notice. His brown eyes stared straight in front of him. He could remember a loading van, no, a truck, and strange yellow creatures with octopus heads putting something inside it. It was enormous and covered by a sheet, and it was being loaded into his truck-he was carrying something that the monsters wanted-

Now he could see an archway, a golden arch that seemed to reach towards the heavens. But it wasn't complete. From the ground he could see ropes pulling building materials up to the top. It was a stormy night; why were they working during a storm?

Now he could see the nearly complete arch from far away. There were these strange white buildings in the distance, like poles with attached rings around it. And then his mind flashed to a vat of poisonous green liquid. Something purple and gray was swimming inside it, something small with tentacles. He could see a single green eye on it, attached to the pink brain that was its head. The thing opened its mouth and hissed, revealing tiny fangs. His mind flashed yet again, revealing the face of a white figure with purple and pink markings on its face.

And now he saw himself in the aliens' lair, hiding behind solid pink veins. The yellow creatures were standing guard, holding some sort of laser weapons. He saw himself sneaking past two of them towards the truck, climbing into the driver's seat and jump starting the engine. Black smoke spewed out of the two exhaust pipes atop of the roof. He could smell it even through the steel protection of the truck.

He shifted the gear into drive and accelerated, driving past the guards and smashing through the metal doors of the garage. He was speeding off into the night, far, far away from the nightmarish compound.

And now his mind was back on the road in front of him. He gripped the steering wheel, hands shaking violently. He panted, eyes twitching, sweat pouring down his face. His vision was fuzzy, the rock sediments to the side of him blurring together. His eyes were hurting too much, he had to close them.

Bad idea. The truck swerved violently, the front going to the right, the back jutting out into the desert on the left. He sped on, breaking out of the road and into the desert. He was driving past the rock formations, the moonlight barely lighting his way.

And then the front tipped downward, into the deep, inky black ravine below. The truck slid down the cliff side, hitting the ground violently. It skidded into a desert formation, breaking it to pieces. The truck tipped over on its side, the glass of the passenger door splintering apart with a large crash. Dust and debris formed a cloud over the truck, mixing with the smoke spewing out of the engine.

The driver's door opened, and the driver slowly got out. He tumbled to the ground, getting sand on his black pants and jean jacket. He dusted himself off as he got up and began to walk away from the wreckage, seemingly unharmed.

The man didn't know how long he walked. All he knew by the weak moonlight was that he was by a road. He couldn't even tell how late it was since he didn't have a watch. But the moon was high in the sky, so he assumed it was very late.

He could sense headlights and the sound of a car behind him. A red truck pulled up next to him. The man quickly got in.

"Name's Jeff," the driver said jovially. The man quickly got out his wallet and took a look at his driver's license.

"Uh…Tyler," the man said, finally having a name.

Jeff chuckled. "You gotta look it up?"

Tyler studied the contents of his wallet. He spied something red tucked away. He got it out; it was a guitar pick. Studying it, he said, "The aliens did something to my mind, but I still have to find a way to stop them."

Jeff left him on the side of the rode and sped off. Tyler quickly pulled the collar of his jacket closer to his neck and continued walking.

At around the same time...

"I'm telling you, Black Widow makes a bitchin' superhero," Carter said as she got out the ice cream.

"And I'm telling you, Wonder Woman is better," Sam retorted. "She's an Amazon; she exemplifies how women can still be beautiful with large muscles."

"Wonder Woman's biggest weakness is her hands being tied up by ordinary rope," Carter shot back. "Black Widow is just badass normal."

"She's also a Soviet sleeper agent that was tested on so that she can't age normally," Sam pointed out. "She doesn't qualify for badass normal."

"She didn't get any superpowers," Carter protested. "She just has a slower aging process and enhanced senses. And she doesn't have S&M fetishes."

"Wonder Woman doesn't do S&M!" Sam snapped, slapping her palm on the table. "That was a discontinued weakness from the late 70's! She's a feminist icon that girls our age can look up to. Black Widow's just there for sex appeal."

Carter arched an eyebrow. "Have you seen Wonder Woman's outfit?"

"That's to show off her toned, well-built body."

"Who's got a toned, well-built body?" Evan asked as he walked into the kitchen. He put the hot sauce on the table.

"Wonder Woman," Sam said as she went to get bowls and spoons. As the three of them shared the carton of ice cream, Ben walked through the door.

He stared. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. He stared again.

Nope, his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. Evan, Sam, and Carter were dressed for a wedding, Evan in a black groom suit, Sam in a strapless blue bridesmaid dress that reached to her ankles and Carter in a ruffled wedding dress that covered her neck to foot with a white veil in her hair.

Now, normally Ben would have just shrugged this off as his friends showing off their weirdness by dressing up fancy. But what stopped him from doing that was the fact that their clothes were torn up and covered in fake blood. It was especially startling on Carter, since red on white was a shocking contrast.

So no, Ben couldn't shrug this off. Especially since they were sitting in his kitchen, sharing a carton of ice cream like it was nobody's business.

Kevin chose that moment to walk in. "Hey, Ben, have you seen…" He trailed off as he took the scene in front of him. And then he just said, "Why?"

Carter looked up, a spoon of vanilla ice cream covered in hot sauce halfway to her mouth. "Because."

"Because why?"

"Just…because."

"Okay, was there a costume party that you guys went to?" Ben asked exasperatedly. "And did you forget to invite me?" he added bitterly.

Evan waved a flippant hand. "Don't worry Benji, we didn't forget you. We got the best man suit in your room. We also got Kevin's priest outfit up there."

"Really?" Kevin asked. "Are they covered in fake blood too?"

"Naturally," Sam said smartly.

"We really need to get Gwen in on this," Carter muttered as she scooped up more dessert. "We need another bridesmaid."

"And this goes back to my earlier question," Kevin said. "Why are you guys so dressed up?"

"We thought we'd go around town dressed up like victims in a horror movie and freak people out," Sam admitted sheepishly.

"That…kind of sounds fun," Ben confessed as he thought about it. While it was undoubtedly a strange way to pass the time, it did seem like a harmless prank to play on people. And how many other people got to say that they got blood splattered on their wedding clothes?

"How did you guys get my size anyway?" Kevin asked as he held up the bottle of hot sauce. "And hot sauce on ice cream? Really?"

Evan pointed his spoon at him dramatically and said, "Yes really! And you look around my dad's size, so I guessed," he added normally.

"Hey guys, what're you doing in…here…" Gwen trailed off as she slowed her arrival into the kitchen. She took in the shredded, bloody clothes of the Pride. The look on her face clearly said that she was about to say something about it, but then she realized who she was talking to and decided to forgo the questioning. Instead she turned Evan and asked, "Got any ice cream left for me?"

"But of course!" he said with a flourish of his hands. "With hot sauce?"

Gwen rolled her eyes and said, "Yes."

"Oh God, they got to you too," Ben said in a shocked whisper. He staggered back into Kevin, a hand over his mouth.

"What's the appeal?" Kevin asked, referring to the bottle in Gwen's hand. Evan held up his bowl of boring vanilla ice cream. Gwen looked at him wide-eyed.

"You're not going to-?"

"Look at what I have here; a bowl of plain vanilla ice cream. It looks nice, right? A creamy, boring white with no strings attached. But that's what you have: boring. Now, I can spice it up with something, like chocolate chips or sprinkles or whatever. That's all fine and dandy, but that's so predictable. What my bowl of ice cream here needs is some pizzazz."

"Some super spicy pizzazz," Carter and Sam said in cadence before dissolving into giggles.

"You ruined the buildup!" Evan shouted before laughter bubbled out of his mouth.

"You guys are weird," Kevin stated.

"And I'm perfectly fine with my ice cream topped with cookie dough chunks, thank you very much," Ben said snootily as his cell phone rang. He quickly got it out and answered. "Hello?"

"Are the Pride there with you?" was the first thing Cordelia asked.

"Cordelia?" The good humor in the room died instantly as Ben formed his next sentence. "How did you get this number?"

"Internet. Anyway, there's trouble in the desert, possibly DNAlien related. I'm sending you the coordinates." She hung up.

"What did she want?" Gwen asked the animosity in her voice unmistakable.

"She says there might be DNAlien activity in the desert," Ben answered back. He turned to Carter. "How did she get my number from the Internet?"

"Slayer intelligence, dude," she said. "It's impossible to beat."

"And how is she sending us the coordinates?" Ben began as something on the ceiling caught his eye. It was small and black and it was moving in between the light fixtures. Everyone turned to where he was staring at.

"Is that a…" Kevin started as the thing slowly descended into the room. Gwen shrieked and tried to get as far away from it as possible. Everyone else just stared in horrified fixation.

It was a tarantula, about the size of a fist. It was a sleek black color, its eight legs arched. It had small, beady black eyes that stared straight ahead of it. It was hanging by a thick stream of silk.

Everything about it screamed of unnaturalness. It wasn't twitching its legs or moving its body about as it descended like a normal spider. It stood stock still as it finally stopped in the middle of the room, as if waiting for someone to pluck it out of the air.

Carter held up her heavy skirts and walked over to the tarantula. She cradled it in her open palm and slight whirring sound could be heard. The silk thread hanging from the ceiling disappeared into the spider's body. It then arched its legs and stood up, beady eyes staring straight at Carter.

And then the back of its body split apart into four separate pieces, revealing the silver metal underneath. A green light fizzled out of it, creating a round gridline holo-map of the desert. A single moving red dot blinked inside the sea of green.

"Whatever we're dealing with is headed to the police station," Carter revealed. "We don't have much time." She curled her fists around the robot tarantula until she was practically squishing it. And then she opened her fist to reveal a small black disk in the middle of her palm.

"…What is that?" Ben asked in a scared monotone.

"A robot spider with a camera and a tiny computer," Carter said.

"And you have spying on me in my own house?"

Sam gave a bark of laughter. "Please, Ben. We have them in everyone's home."

"Even mine?" Kevin asked pointing to himself. Sam nodded sheepishly. Carter flung the disk at the older teen. He caught it with both hands and peered at it with disgusted curiosity.

Gwen finally found her voice. "You guys need to change."

"Way ahead of you," Sam said as she unzipped her dress. The Pride was already in different states of undress, revealing their normal clothes underneath.

Ben, who had been ready to cover his eyes and run out of the room, just asked, "You wore clothes underneath your clothes?"

"You never know when you'll need a quick change," Sam said as she tied the halter behind her neck. Evan quickly looped his belt around his waist as Carter fixed her long sleeves.

"…You guys are insane," was all Ben said.

"And we're going to hide these up in your room," Evan said picking up his destroyed costume. "We'll see you in the car."

The lights were off in the jail cells.

It was dark and putrid. The desert highway patrol clearly wasn't big on cleanliness. Tyler could smell the toilet in his cell, and he crinkled his nose in disgust. He quickly sat on the bed thankful that at least it wasn't crawling with roaches.

Tyler held a hand to his head and said to himself, "Details: my name is Tyler. I'm…I'm 26 years old, maybe a little confused, but…but I'm not crazy!" He said the last part defiantly, daring anyone who was listening to contradict him. Since he was alone in the jail, no one did.

"Somebody listen!" Tyler shouted into the emptiness. "There are aliens! I saw them!" He screamed and lied down on the bed, visions flashing through his mind. He could see the large white aliens talking to each other, gesturing to a circular green map on the wall.

"These humans are resilient," one of them had said. Its voice was awful, like nails on a chalkboard. And there was that low, awful hiss that seemed to come from all the aliens, not just the little yellow ones.

There was another voice in his head, a low, gruff one. It didn't sound like the others; it simply seemed to rumble. "Wake up," the voice was saying, its tone rough.

"Wake up!"

"He's here," the intercom on the badge said. "The one who escaped, he's in the jail cell right now."

"Good," said the grating noise of the High Breed. "Bring Tyler and the oscillator key to us." The intercom went dead.

Kevin turned around in the driver's seat. "You guys got the location of the headquarters?"

"Not exactly," Evan admitted as he looked at the holo-grid on the black disk. "They've got one hell of a code on their transmission. The most I can get right now is a rough estimate on where the nest might be."

"Maybe we can get the escapee to tell us where it is," Sam pointed out. "Unless it's some sort of diversion for us," she added darkly.

"Keep your paranoia to normal levels," Gwen told her. "They don't know we're here. And the guy they're after seems to know more than he should."

"So why go to the police?" Carter asked. "The government won't help."

"Most humans have been taught to trust the police with any serious problems," Ben pointed out. "Maybe he thought they'd give him some level of protection."

"He's not a smart guy," Kevin said flatly as he turned around. He had parked the car behind a giant rock sediment less than a block away from the police station. Nothing seemed to be going on right now, but the DNAliens could come up to pick up their friend at any minute.

"We should split up," Sam said suddenly. "We can go stake out the headquarters while you help this guy."

"You sure that's a good idea?" Kevin arched an eyebrow.

"You can always contact us if there are any changes, and besides, this is a small car and it's already crowded." She jerked a thumb at the backseat which was filled past capacity.

"She's got a point," Evan said. "We'll see you later." Dark shadows passed over three members of the team; a moment later only three were left.

"Ain't nothin' to be afraid of, Tyler," one of the policemen said. He opened the cell door and walked inside. "We just need yer statement."

This obviously was supposed to reassure Tyler, but the way the two officers were looking at him was strange. Their eyes were oddly vacant. A police officer shouldn't have such vacant eyes.

"Where'd you hide The Key?" the other one said, walking into the cell.

"Key?" Tyler asked dumbly. Something was obviously up. Why had these men just walked into his cell? Why didn't they use a key to unlock the door?

They were police officers. He was a lunatic. Why hadn't they locked his cell door?

"Aw, don't play stupid," the blond officer said, holding up a red laser gun.

"There's nowhere to run, Tyler," the other one said.

The blond pressed his hand against Tyler's mouth and pushed him against the wall. He struggled but he was pinned by inhuman strength. He couldn't get out.

"Make it easy on yerself, boy," the blonde growled. "Tell us where to find it."

Tyler, in his struggles, hit the face of the man pinning him. His knuckles hit something metal; a mask slid off the face of the fake officer and clattered to the floor. It was human shaped, with a closed mouth and a nose and two holes for the eyes.

Tyler stared at it before slowly, slowly turning back to the face of the fake officer. It wasn't human. A green, oval eye stared back at him, its black-red pupil a pinprick in the sea of green. It had a pink cranium-no, its brain was showing, with the crevices and everything. Purple tentacles were folded against each other to form a mouth shape. Its scrawny, bony body was covered in a bright yellow jumpsuit.

Tyler ripped the hand off his mouth and shouted, "You're one of them!"

The alien slowly stood up. The other officer took of his own mask to reveal the same type of alien underneath. The alien in front of the only human said, in a husky, hissing voice:

"We don't have to harm you, Tyler."

"Not at first," the other one said sadistically.

With superhuman speed Tyler jumped off the bed and lifted it over his head. He slammed the metal frame into the two aliens and pushed them against the opposite wall. He bent the bed frame over their bodies, trapping them in a cocoon. Panting hard, he staggered back and quickly ran out of the cell, closing the door behind him.

He could hear the sounds of the monsters freeing themselves from their cocoon. Tyler ran as fast as he could, past the empty desks where the real officers should be and out the doors. He frantically looked at the two police cars stationed out front. Tyler didn't have time to go back and look for any car keys. He scrambled down the steps and towards one of them. He quickly tried opening the car door; no dice. He ran to the other side and slid down the metal, staying out of sight of the front doors.

The front doors of the station slammed open. He could hear the aliens hissing as they surveyed the empty space of the desert. Sweat poured down Tyler's face as he heard the aliens climb down the front steps, their feet crunching on the gravel as they neared the cars.

Tyler whipped his head towards the left. One of the aliens was standing before him, glaring down at him. The alien's tentacles slid back to reveal the beaked mouth. Green slime shot out of the hole and hit the door next to Tyler. He turned to run, but the other alien was next to him.

Tyler frantically ran towards the road, the aliens chasing after him. He could hear their footsteps running towards him, the hissing sounds coming out of their beaked mouth holes.

And then a car suddenly appeared, the headlights nearly blinding him. The green Dodge Challenger swerved to a stop, the front end aimed towards the desert. The passenger door opened, revealing the thuggish youth driving it.

A boy's head popped out of the backseat. He looked younger than the guy driving, and more innocent. "Get in!" he ordered.

Tyler stared at the two of them before turning back to the aliens. A shot of green slime flew past his head, mere inches from his ear. He dove into the passenger seat and slammed the door shut. The car peeled away, far away from the antagonistic aliens.

A good ten minutes passed before the car slowed to a safer speed limit. Tyler's heart slowly went back to its normal rate, and he forced himself to gaze at the teens who rescued him. He couldn't help but be suspicious of them, no matter how thankful he was for the save.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Ben," the young boy in the backseat said. He pointed to the redhead beside him. "This is Gwen and that's Kevin." The guy driving gave him a slight nod of acknowledgement.

"We're here to help you," Gwen said gently.

Tyler desperately wanted to believe them, but he had to be careful. He roughly grabbed Ben's face and pulled at the skin. "Ow!" the boy cried, slapping his hands away. "Why'd you do that?"

"You'd never believe me," Tyler said, turning away.

"Think Tennyson," Kevin scoffed. "Those DNAliens came out of the police station."

"They must have had ID masks," Ben realized.

"You know about the aliens?" Tyler asked, not believing.

Kevin held up a badge that had a green hourglass inside a black circle design. "Been scannin' for communications that mention any kind of tech above level two. You're name came up Tyler."

"You know who I am?"

"Only that somebody back there made a call about you," Ben explained. "Said you got an oscillator key, whatever that is."

"Level five alien tech," Kevin stated.

"And fighting aliens is kind of our specialty," Ben said.

"Where'd you get your hands on alien technology?" Gwen asked.

Tyler just shook his head. "I-I don't know. Something messed up my memory." He held up his guitar pick.

"What's that?" Kevin questioned. "More alien tech?"

"It's a pick," Ben said. "A base pick. My friend has one of those."

"Are you a musician?" Gwen asked conversationally.

"That sounds right," Tyler admitted, "but I don't have any clear memories."

"Well that helps," Kevin said sarcastically. "You stole a hyper-dimensional oscillator key from a High Breed nest and, oh, you play the base."

"Lights off!" Ben suddenly ordered.

"Huh?" went Kevin.

"Just do it!"

Kevin did as told, shutting off all power in the car. They could see the lights now in the canyon next to them. Hundreds of DNAliens with searchlights were crawling all over the side of the road.

Suddenly the car hit the side of the road and a piece of rock tumbled down the cliff side. Kevin quickly hid the car behind a rock sediment just as DNAliens came rushing out of the canyon. From the side they could see lights streaking across the road. The lights moved for a monstrously long time before they subsided. Kevin quickly turned his headlights back on and sped out of that death trap.

"They're out in full force," Ben noted ominously. "Something big is up."

"A hyper-dimensional oscillator key's 'bout as big as it gets," Kevin said. "It's for warping space."

"I had to steal it away," Tyler explained. "To stop the aliens."

"From doing what?" Ben asked.

"…It'll come to me."

"Helpful," Kevin said sardonically.

"Guys, we do have an advantage," Gwen said quickly. "They may need it, but they don't know where it is."

"I do," Tyler said.

Okay, so Carter and Sam are talking about female superheroes. But they still pass the Bechdel test, which is more than most famous movies do.

So, thoughts anyone?