Screw imaginary friends. I've been playing around with tulpas, AKA thoughtforms, and they are a lot more interesting than any of my imaginary friends had ever been. Mr Cloud, the sheep stuffed animal I'd played pretend with as a child, can not compare to the actual Betelgeuse I made manifest.
Well, I sort of made him manifest. It takes a lot of very specific concentration to create a tulpa on ones own. Tibetan monks make them in packs, according to lore, and even they have trouble. For my first real attempt, I think it went very well.
If you've ever seen the Beetlejuice movie, you'll remember the part where the man himself turns into a large snake-like creature on the stairs. I wanted my Betelgeuse to mimic that, in the bunker, where Dean would clearly see him. And, wow, you should have seen Dean's face. He shot the stairs! Sam came running, and I tried not to laugh.
Betelgeuse decided that he did not like being shot at. That's where it really went wrong.
I really underestimated the Winchesters. Together, they apparently have a higher level of concentration than I do. They were so focused on Betelgeuse, they started to make him way more real than I intended him to be. Next thing I knew, I'd lost control.
I had to get involved. Sheepishly, I held my hand up and confessed. They were mad. Oh, they were really mad.
At least it was easy to solve after that. Betelgeuse started to do the carousel-head thing from the movie, and we made up a plan. We basically imagined him not existing, and he stopped existing.
I spend the next hour cleaning up after the bullet shower the stairs were treated to.
Sam thought I couldn't hear him while I was plastering the wall.
He thought I was too focused, but as we've learnt I can't focus that hard.
"Dean, don't walk away. We need to talk about this!"
"Sam, there is no way in hell I'm going to listen to that crap. She is not dark side. Not anymore. Get it out of your head!"
"You saw what she did-"
"I would have done the same thing if I'd just watched you and Cas get murdered."
"Not like that, Dean. What she did was worse than cruel. I think she enjoyed it, too."
"She did not. Dae just did what she had to do. She ended that damn fight, and she saved herself. That's what I care about, and I don't see why you can't just be happy she's still with us."
"Maybe because she's never been with us. She has her own agenda, Dean. How many times have we had to convince her not to use black magic? How many times has she gone behind our backs to? She's dangerous. More than we are. More than-"
"More than who, Sammy? She's our friend."
"I think that's a mistake."
Hearing Dean's strong voice defending me was such a relief. Some people think that witches being burnt at the stake was something from the dark ages, but it's very much a real problem that we face today. If Sam wanted to burn me, I don't know what I could say to convince him not to.
Dean was going to be the only voice of reason around. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose Dean, or Sam. But I can't help thinking that Sam has a point. I'm dangerous. Without the boys keeping me in check, I am a cruel, malicious bitch. I did not enjoy what I did to those coven members. It felt right. It felt fair and just. They deserved it, if they'd done to my coven what I saw they'd done to Archer.
What does Sam think? That I'm going to do that to every person, supernatural or not, that gets in our way? Does he think that I could ever do that to him, or to Dean or Cas?
It feels awful, but I'm sure that's exactly what he thinks.
If I want to stick around, I have to be good. Ew. Not that I'm bad, necessarily... I have been looking into magical theory for healing and whatnot. Good stuff. Magic that Sam would appreciate having around. I won't stop being a witch for him, nor anyone else, but I am willing to tone it down for him.
Even though that's a lot like a pro baseball player taking up a safer sport to please their uncle. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? But he's family, I care about him, and I want him to want me around.
Sam here. Dae is blocking me from seeing her blog, but I'd bet anything she's talking about that Beetlejuice prank. She could have killed us before breakfast without lifting a damn finger. I'm trying to convince Dean that she is dangerous, and that we should not let her stay here. Cas is on Dae's side right now. He tells me that he appreciates her struggle, and that he believes she will make the right choices. He's comparing her to himself, and to me and Dean! We are not like her! I don't care what we've been through, or what we've done. We are not like her.
I'm keeping an eye on her for now.
You, her readers, seem to know hunters you can call. I need some contacts. Send me what you have, I promise you Dae will not see it.
Stay safe out there. You never know who you can trust.