Would I let Sam kill me? Yes. I would. I don't want to die, but, hey, he's family. If he gets a shot and he takes it, what use could I possibly be for the world? I'd be nothing without Sam on my side. I know I'm in love with Dean, blablabla, but at times I have felt a stronger connection to Sam.

Dean holds a similar darkness in him than me. Sam is who I see when I want to be good. He makes me want to be better. Sam is the person I would change myself for, rather than just try to make myself accepted.

Sometimes, change is good. I wouldn't change if I didn't think there was some merit in it. I'm all about personal power and freedom. I'm a total bitch; I accept that, but... If being good means I can better take care of my family, then being good is what I need to be.

So, the question remains: what does being good mean? Healing magic? Shields and smiles? That's not me. I can't heal any serious wounds. Those times when I've saved the Winchesters by healing their injuries were times when my power was at its peak already; when I had celestial intervention on my side.

The one problem with that is... Well, actually, there are several problems. Mostly that I can't keep up the whole godly strength thing for long, and that it exhausts me to try. Good magic is hard, at least for me.

Nessie had area magic. Her spells lit up certain parameters and never struck a single person. She was careful, but she was a wild card.

Archer liked to shoot his spells out of a magic, ethereal bow. The arrows would either pierce a single target to do its work, or shatter as an area effect. It took him much longer to master any spell, but he cared more about his personal aesthetic than power. He wanted to be Katniss Everdeen, and so he was.

I'm a striker. Specific spells, targeted attacks. I like to know exactly what I'm doing. My attacks are strong, but they have limited range of effect once struck.

Healing seems more like an area magic. Shielding is area magic.

I do hex bags and magic missile. I use divine smite and chain lightning (spells that sounded a lot cooler than they are). Mostly, I just throw energy at specific targets and hope for the best. Or I do rituals. But even non-witches do rituals. Mine are stronger, and I know more, but that is stuff that anyone can do.

Do you want to do a small ritual yourself? Okay, this is crazy, but I'm going to tell you something that my original mentor told me; bubble baths are one of the most rewarding, personal rituals one can do. Bath bombs, rose petals, bath salts. Everything you add to your bath is part of your ingredients for the ritual. Whatever effect you're looking for (calming, soothing, stress/pain relief, etc), all depends on what you put in? Add some candles (optional, but recommended if you keep safety in mind), and you can summon strength from the waters.

I asked my mentor if that meant that all bubble baths people take are actually rituals, whether they know it or not. My mentor responded that intent is key in every ritual, so no. Unless you're intending it as a ritual, it's really just a bubble bath.

Smoothies and tea are the same. It's all intent.

My intention right now is to protect my family. Bubble baths probably won't help me with that. Vitamin-rich smoothies might help me with that.

Magic missile probably won't help me with anything.

I did ask Dean about his conversation with Sam, not telling him I'd heard anything specific. Dean got tense and told me not to ask again. I didn't.

I've been trying to get on Sam's good side. It's not working, and I'm really worried that I've ruined my relationship with him forever.

When did getting along with these two get so difficult? We were so close before. Is this what being a part of their family is like, or is it just my fault? I need help. I need Castiel back. He took off to be with Crowley about the time of my last post, so it's been a while.

Screw good magic. I just want to be powerful. I want to get my life back in order. I want to be strong for myself. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel golden. I feel...copper, maybe. Bitter. Cold. Cheap.

I don't know how much longer this blog will go on for. I want to give you closure, but life is busy and I feel more like I'm telling on the Winchesters than actually blogging the way Sam intended me to.

For now, thanks again for reading. I have been DaeIchor, the witch with the golden eyes that gods themselves granted me for power. I'm a hunter. And when I'm not hunting...I feel very alone.