Chapter 22: Futurama and Marty McFly
Okay, so I got references to the Twilight Zone and Back to the Future. The Futurama thing is all in the show though. Kind of weird that they'd have a reference from such an adult comedy in a kid's show. But I guess that's one of the reason why we love Xiaolin Showdown.
Valerie only stopped screaming when Kimiko slapped her. She rubbed her aching cheek and whined, "What was that for?"
Kimiko pointed at a newly revived Wuya.
"Oh right."
The Heylin witch finally stopped laughing triumphantly and the green flames surrounding her died down. She had been standing on top of the Reversing Mirror, which broke apart as she landed feet first on the ground. Her red hair flopped over her face and she quickly brushed it back. And then she placed a hand on her hip and smirked at the opposing team.
Dojo, who had been cowering on top of Omi's head, quickly uncovered his eyes. He then gave a bark of laughter and practically flew into Wuya's face. "Ha! Joke's on you, Wuya! You broke the Reversing Mirror. That's seven years' bad luck. In. Your. Face!"
"Actually, since it's the Reversing Mirror, it's seven years' good luck," Wuya countered. Dojo visibly deflated.
"Oh, hadn't thought of that. Crud." He quickly flew over to Omi and hid in his robes.
"I reckon it's up to us to take Wuya down," Clay stated.
"And there's only one way to do it," Raimundo said, smirking. Everyone lapsed into kung fu poses, wielding their designated Wu.
"Xiaolin style!" Omi announced. He jumped into the air. "ORB OF TORNAMI: ICE!" he shouted sending a river of frozen water at the witch. Wuya welcomed the attack with open arms. In a cold flash the ice encased her, turning her into a frozen statue.
"You lost already?!" Hazel shouted angrily. At that point everyone had forgotten the Armstrong twins were still there.
And then Wuya opened her eyes and smiled. The ice cracked and shattered violently, the shards flying everywhere. She hovered in the air slightly before setting herself back down.
"Next," she said. Theo clapped his hands while Hazel stood there, jaw dropped in shock.
With a snarl Kimiko started to skate over, her Wu outstretched in front of her. "STAR HANABI: FIRE!" she shouted, and a tendril of flame shot out of the talisman. It made its way over to Wuya, the blaze crashing down on her. She stood there, wrapped in fire as she cackled. And then she stepped out of the fire with a flip of her hair.
"That tickles," she joked.
Clay leaped into the air and shouted, "THIRD ARM SASH: EARTH!" The stone fist slammed down on Wuya; it should have crushed her, but then she reappeared right behind Clay. She quickly hugged the cowboy, getting close to his ear.
"Shen Gong Wu? I am so beyond them now. Let me show you what Heylin magic can do." She threw the cowboy to the ground, right on top of his friends. They all crashed into the dirt, the large bulk that was Clay smothering them.
Wuya hovered high in the air, dark tendrils of wind circling around her. Green fire covered her hands. She laughed maniacally as lightning fizzled around the good guys.
Valerie opened her eyes in time to see a rock hand erupt from the ground not far from where she was. With a cry of fright she jumped up. Alarmed, everyone else screamed as they saw the ground surrounding the rock hand quickly recede to show off the earth golem standing before them.
Everyone ran way from Rocky, running to the sparse foliage of the petrified forest. And then they saw dozens of other rock hands erupt from the ground, like kid-friendly zombies. They slowly climbed up from the ground, surrounding the Xiaolin monks.
As the golems tightened the circle around them, Wuya hovered before them and gave one simple order: "Crush them."
With a girlish shriek Dojo leaped out of Omi's robes and ran under Clay's feet. He then quickly enlarged, gathering up the remaining forces of good onto his back. He quickly cried out, "A retreat might be in order here!" as he flew away.
"Okay, how do we fight a super-powered Heylin witch?" Kimiko asked hysterically as the wind whistled past her.
"We're outclassed, out gunned, and out of luck," Clay pointed out dejectedly.
"Do not despair my friends," Omi said optimistically. "There is always a path to victory!"
Raimundo gave him a sour look. "Omi, we just got our asses handed to us by Wuya! Nothing we threw at her worked!"
"Maybe that's because we only set single attacks at her," Valerie mused, rubbing her chin. "Maybe if we combined our powers…"
Suddenly a rumbling sound could be heard from down below. Great stone pillars were jutting out of the ground, hundreds simply popping up. And then the pillars started jutting out more pillars from the sides, creating spokes that connected to the other pillars that were stuck in the ground. Rocks crumbled from the mountain, creating a purple black castle peak that seemed to reach the moon. Not even the now shining moon was unaffected: black markings appeared on it, reminiscent of Wuya's old mask.
Omi took a long look at the evil castle before looking away. "Okay, you may despair."
And just because the day couldn't possibly get any worse, the millions of golems Wuya suddenly created started throwing flaming rocks at them.
"INCOMING!" Clay shouted at the top of his lungs. Everyone braced for impact as the fireballs hit Dojo. He began to fall, the passengers falling off as the great earth balls of fire hit. They all fell, nearing the ground at an alarming rate before crashing into the dead forest below.
Valerie could feel herself getting hit by the skeletal branches, her skin getting new scrapes and bruises before hitting the ground below. She landed on the white, brittle grass, her body aching and her vision swimming. She could see stars in front of her, glowing brighter and brighter until all she could see was white.
Valerie was once again wearing the heavy wine-colored dress with the intricate rose weavings on the skirt.
She swore loudly in French before taking in her surroundings. She was surprised to see that she was no longer in the dark hallway with the frigid water. Instead she was in a lush forest, the foliage so dense that it filtered out the sunlight. Only patches of it could shine through to the floor below.
Valerie slowly walked out of the clearing she was in, the twigs and wet leaves poking through her fragile dancing shoes. She grimaced as she made her way through the forest, the wrappings quickly succumbing to the abuse.
Something moved in the corner of her eye. She whirled around to see…nothing. Just a moss-covered log at the edge of the path. It was oddly shaped though; instead of a straight line it was carved, with bumps and concaves that looked abnormal. She stepped towards it, curious.
It wasn't a log. Not at all. It was a person, his eyes wide open, his mouth stretched into a scream. His arms were over his head in a protective manner, his legs brought to his chest.
Valerie stepped back, bile rising in her throat. She was practically running backwards, her footing unsure. And then she fell backwards, tripping over something. She landed hard on her rear end and she groaned. But then she saw the petrified child she had tripped over.
With a strangled cry she crawled away backwards, far away from the terrified corpse. She looked around wildly for a place to run-anywhere as long as it was far away- and she saw that the entire forest was full of the petrified dead. Men, women, children, dogs, cats, birds…all of them terrified even after death.
And then she him, a single person lying in the middle of the path. He was wearing a green button up shirt and black slacks.
"No, no, no…" Valerie was crying, hot tears sliding down her face. She scrambled towards the person, begging the powers that be that it couldn't possibly be him he was safe in Switzerland, far away from Wuya and Heylin magic and petrified people-
But it was him. Eric was in the middle of the forest, eyes wide and glassy, mouth contorted in a final scream, arms thrown over his face to protect him.
Valerie was weeping now, blubbering as she desperately tried to shake Eric awake. He couldn't be dead, there was no way, he couldn't possibly…
Gray stone was creeping along Eric's skin, rapidly beginning from his feet, his hands, his face. Valerie blinked and held her hands slightly away as the gray began to stretch along Eric's torso. It ended soon, the petrifying magic, but the damage was done: Eric was a stone person, like all the other victims.
Valerie sat there, eyes disbelieving. And then a howl tore out of her throat, a despairing animalistic shriek. She beat against Eric's chest until her fists bled, and then she put her face in her hands and sobbed.
But there was something wrong with her hands. They were cold and hard for some reason. She took her face out to see the grayness inching across the bare skin of her palms, rapidly creeping along her covered arms. She screamed-
Valerie jerked awake, blinking sand out of her eyes. She gasped, sucking in air as fast as she could. It was a dream, no, a nightmare. It had been even worse than the Sapphire Dragon ones, and she hadn't known that was possible. She quickly wiped the sweat off her face; now wasn't the time to dwell on it.
She turned to the others, who were all beginning to stir. Groaning they all sat up, holding their hands to their faces. Omi was the only one who was really awake.
"We must hasten our retreat, my friends," he announced. "The forces of darkness are-!" A loud rumbling stopped him. The trees behind him pulled apart, revealing five rock golems.
"Are already here Omi!" Kimiko finished for the little guy. They all stood up and went into their signature kung fu poses-because how could you start a battle without a proper stance?
But before either side could duke it out, a shadow passed over the rock golems. "Komori Sword!" Hazel shouted before suddenly appearing in the middle of the battle. She quickly put the Sword over her shoulder and smiled her Cheshire grin.
Valerie rolled her eyes. "You just brought Wuya to full power. Shouldn't you be planning your rule as world leader or something?"
Hazel's left eye twitched. Everything else about her hadn't changed except for that single twitch. Something was going on in Hazel's world, but what?
"Oh, I'm already planning for it," the blonde said is a sweet voice. "But I can't kick start it unless I take you all out." As soon as she saw the monks go back in their kung fu poses, she held up a hand. "Now, now, I'm merciful. I could let you all live, but only if you beg for mercy."
The monks' jaws collectively dropped. "Like hell!" Raimundo shouted.
"Why would we do that?" Kimiko asked rhetorically.
"I'd rather kiss the backside of a mule." Clay.
"Go fuck yourself!" Valerie.
"Girl, we have too much pride for that." Dojo.
"I assure you that you will suffer a most humiliating defeat!" Omi.
Hazel shook her head. "You're just not getting it." She gestured to the five golems behind her. "I'm the only one who can save you."
"Wrong!" Jack Spicer's mechanized voice rang out through the forest. His personalized bronze jet shot red lasers at the offending golems. One by one, the lasers hit them, making them explode. Hazel disappeared into the darkness before any of the debris could hit her.
The jet flew to the ground, skimming the brittle grass as it zoomed over to the monks. The hatch opened and a giant mechanical hand shot out of it. It grabbed the five kids plus the dragon and threw them into the cockpit. The hatch closed on top of them.
Valerie fought her way out of the mess of bodies and found herself in the backseat of the plane. The others were situating themselves as well; she was forced to sit sandwiched between Clay and Rai. Dojo lay on her shoulders, biting his claws as Jack Spicer quickly piloted them out of the battlefield.
Bright light streamed into the cockpit, the tinted windows of the hatch doing little to stop the glare. The sun was rising on the day of Wuya's empire. It was a fact that Valerie didn't want to think about.
As soon as everyone had calmed down enough, Kimiko started the interrogation. "Jack Spicer?"
"What are you up to, you two-faced varmint?" Clay growled.
"Rescuing you," Jack deadpanned. "You five dweebs are my only hope of defeating Wuya."
"You want to defeat Wuya?" Raimundo parroted back. "What is this, the Twilight Zone?"
"I don't get it," Clay piped up. "Why would Jack, evil boy genius, want Wuya, evil witch hag, defeated?"
Omi hugged the pilot. "Because Jack has finally rejected the ways of evil." The disgusted look on Jack's face said otherwise. He quickly shoved Omi to the side and said:
"I'm still evil right down to my greedy black heart."
"Oh-kay, then count me among the confused!" Omi said cheerfully.
"It's simple," Raimundo piped up. "He wants to rule the world, which he can't do if Wuya's already ruling it."
"Thank you," Jack told him.
"That is some mighty twisted thinkin'," Clay said, "but darned if it don't make sense."
Valerie suddenly remembered Hazel's earlier reaction. "Hey, remember when I taunted Hazel about her world domination plan?"
"It might have slipped my mind," Raimundo joked. She punched his shoulder.
"I mean remember how Hazel reacted when I mentioned her ruling the world? Her eye twitched."
"Oh, I get it," Kimiko realized. "She wants to rule the world, but Wuya's in charge, so she's biding her time until she can defeat Wuya herself."
"So all we have to do is wait until Hazel defeats Wuya, then we defeat Hazel," Raimundo finished. "Seems easy enough."
"No it isn't!" Jack snapped. "Wuya is a seriously powerful Heylin witch. If you guys can't defeat her, then what makes you think Hazel can?"
"So, in other words, we're boned," Valerie said flatly.
"Wrong again," Jack said. "Don't you guys have a plan?"
"Actually, no," Omi said truthfully.
"We rarely do," Kimiko added unusually chipper.
"Really?" Jack grinned. "You got nothing? And all this time I thought you were these amazing Xiaolin geniuses. But you're just as lame as I am. HAHA! Wait, that didn't come out right," he quickly added.
"We may not have a plan, but Master Fung sure will," Clay said resolutely.
Back at the Temple
Only he didn't. He and all the other elder monks were stuck in stone prisons in the courtyard, guarded by numerous rock golems.
"So, do we attack them or…" Raimundo began as the first volley of flaming rock chunks were spewed at them. The jet was hit, but it didn't go down thanks to the armor plating. But it still wouldn't last much longer.
"Dojo, get us out of here!" Valerie ordered as the jet went through turbulence.
"Roger that!" The reptile immediately began to enlarge. Jack opened the hatch so Dojo could make a quick escape. They all latched onto him as he flew into the open air, the jet exploding underneath them.
Once safely on Dojo, Jack Spicer begged, "Stop the undulating! Please!"
"But Jack," Clay said slyly, "the undulating's the best part. Hey, ain't you ever rode a dragon before?"
Jack responded by grabbing Clay's hat and vomiting into it.
"Hey, now, come on!" As Clay crawled over to get his hat back, Kimiko said to the others:
"I got a bad feeling, guys. If Wuya controls the Temple, what next?"
"I'm thinking either America or British Parliament," Raimundo noted. "Or any of the other world powers."
"Or Geneva," Valerie said quietly, feeling cold all over.
"Why Geneva?" Omi asked naively.
"Geneva is the diplomatic center of the world," Valerie explained. "If Wuya takes it over, she'll have control over every single international organization stationed there, including the United Nations and the Red Cross. Even if it's not the full organization, she can still cripple them to the point where taking it over won't be such a problem." And she might kill Eric, Valerie added silently, her earlier nightmare flashing before her eyes.
"Then we must stop her before she reaches Geneva!" Omi declared, pointing a finger into the air.
"And how do we do that?" Raimundo asked grimly.
Back at the mountain
The inside of Wuya's luxury palace was everything Theo wanted. Inside the stone cavern, there was a 70 inch plasma screen TV with Netflix and dozens of gaming consoles. Bookshelves bursting with videogames made up the walls. In the center was a state of the art kitchen with a fridge that never went empty. And there was even an old-fashioned soda fountain filled with the original Coca-Cola recipe.
Theo was in the lap of luxury, and enjoying every second of it. But there was only one thing that could make it better. The inclusion of his twin sister would make the entire situation a million times sweeter; he could remember a time when the two of them used to indulge in videogames and ice cream alongside shoplifting and other petty crimes. They were the dream team, the invincible duo. So where was the other half?
The large doors suddenly opened and Wuya walked in. "Aw, Theo, is everything not to your liking?"
"It is it's just…" Theo scratched the back of his head. "I wish Hazel would enjoy this."
"Where is your sister?" Wuya wondered out loud. "I haven't seen her since she reported Jack's sudden change to the light side."
The ground suddenly rumbled beneath them, but Wuya wasn't summoning any of her rock golems. And then the earth exploded beneath them, throwing Wuya and Theo up into the air. The ground had splintered apart, revealing the dark caverns below.
In the darkness, Theo could make out a flash of pink. With lightning quick reflexes Hazel moved through the shadows at Wuya, who was still in midair, getting her bearings. As Theo began to fall, he watched in horror as Hazel stabbed Wuya in the back, then the arm, and then finally in the neck. Wuya's bleeding body dropped into the cavern below along with all the debris. Theo bounced off the rocks and rolled to stable ground.
As Theo choked on the dust cloud settling over, he heard Hazel shout triumphantly, "No one messes with Hazel Armstrong and gets away with it! HAHAHA! And now it's me who rules the world! ME!"
The ground rumbled again and a stone hand grabbed Hazel from underneath her. The Komori Sword clattered to the ground as green flames licked the floor. The cavern instantly filled itself, the dust cloud disappearing. Theo stood up in time to see the green flames mold itself into a body. Wuya stepped out of the fire and towards Hazel, who stopped struggling long enough to glare hatefully at the witch.
"Did you honestly believe you could defeat me so easily?" Wuya taunted her. "Seriously, you'd have to be an idiot not to see your betrayal coming. To the dungeon with you." The stone fist slowly went into the ground, dragging Hazel with it. Theo stood there in horror as his sister screamed right before being swallowed up.
Wuya put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and said, "Oh, don't worry, she'll live. Now, what else do you need?"
An hour later
As Clay was washing the puke out of his hat in the nearby river, everyone else quickly changed into their Xiaolin robes. Kimiko had swiped them earlier after she found out what Wuya was planning with the Reversing Mirror. How she had the fortitude to think that far ahead was something Valerie couldn't comprehend.
As Clay changed into his own robes, Valerie quickly pulled her hair into a braid. Kimiko was throwing rocks at the river, Raimundo was pacing, and Jack was staring at Omi, who was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river, meditating.
"Okay, I'm stumped," Kimiko finally said. "How are we supposed to use the Shen Gong Wu on Wuya if they no longer work against her?"
"I know this is a bit of a stretch," Dojo began, "but what if we dumped a bucket of glue over her?"
"Glue?" Kimiko deadpanned. "That's going to stop her global reign of evil?"
"I'm talkin' a really big bucket of glue!"
Clay chose that moment to walk over, ringing the water out of his hat. "I hate to say it, but without Master Fung, we'll never be able to defeat Wuya." He put his sopping wet cowboy hat on his head.
"The only person who ever defeated Wuya was Grand Master Dashi," Omi said over on the rock.
"Well, you missed him by about fifteen hundred years, so good luck trying to ask him," Dojo said dryly.
"At least not without a time machine," Valerie said flatly.
"Did someone say time machine?" Jack asked excitedly. He suddenly drew a purple curtain from…somewhere…and instantly everyone was in Jack's lab.
"…How the hell did we get here?" Valerie asked, completely at a loss. Omi quickly shushed her as Jack began to speak.
"Behold Jack Spicer's evil time machine!" He revealed a hexagonal machine with a giant gaping hole in the middle surrounded by the controls.
"You are so overusing the word evil!" Kimiko pointed out sardonically.
"Hey, I'm trying to build a brand here!"
Omi walked up to the time machine in awestruck wonder. "We can really use this strange device to travel back in time?"
"Well, sort of," Jack admitted. "You can travel back in time, but it's kind of lame."
"Dude, you got a time machine," Raimundo said excitedly. "How can it possibly be lame?"
Electricity began to buzz around the time machine and a red swirl appeared in the middle of the hexagon. Another Jack suddenly appeared through the swirling vortex. "I bring you greetings from the future!"
Present Jack said, "Here, let me show you." He saluted them before stepping through the swirls, never to be seen again.
Current Jack sadly said, "You see? Lame. I can only generate enough electricity to go back about two seconds."
Clay scratched his head. "And why is that?"
Jack sighed. "How to explain the intricacies of manufactured distortion to a simpleton cowboy? Ah!" he cried before getting a stupid look on his face. "Time machine… need much power…to work. Way more power… than Jack can gen-err-rate. Did you get that?" he added normally.
"Cowboy understand," Clay said through gritted teeth. "So why don't you just use the Eye of Dashi for power?"
"I don't have it."
"Step aside, Marty McFly, 'cause we do." Raimundo dramatically gestured towards Valerie, who held up the Wu in her hands.
Jack was instantly at the controls, setting it all up. After a while he said, "Okay, Omi, you're good to go."
"You sure about this?" Dojo said from Omi's shoulder. "Time travel can be very dangerous. You could wind up as your own grandpa."
Omi held up the Orb of Tornami. "My safety is of no consequence when the world is ruled by evil."
"Yeah, but don't you think you need more Shen Gong Wu?" Clay pointed out.
"No. You may need the rest for your battle against Wuya's forces."
"Please be careful Omi." Kimiko gave him a huge squeeze that left the boy red in the face.
"Come back soon, okay?" Raimundo patted Omi on the head.
"The time machine is set to send you back fifteen hundred years," Jack pointed out. "Now, I won't bore you with the exceedingly complicated calculations involved, but I should be able to land you on the base of the Xiaolin Temple."
Omi walked up to the swirling electricity of the time machine and said, "Goodbye my friends."
"Oh, tell Dashi I'm sorry about the shirt," Dojo said quickly.
"The shirt?"
"He'll know."
"Okay, Val, light it up baby!" Jack shouted over to her. She was at the generator, the hatch open so she could power it.
"Eye of Dashi! And don't call me baby," she said as she put the Wu inside the generator. Electricity buzzed through the tubes that led to the time machine. And with that Omi walked into the vortex.
A moment passed, and then Valerie thought to ask, "Wait, does Omi have a way back?"
Jack's jaw dropped. "I don't know how to get him back."
Flames came from Kimiko as she screamed, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET HIM BACK?!"
Seriously, you'd think Jack would have thought of that. Anyway, thoughts anyone?