Chapter 24: New Attacks and Decent Disses
Empyrean: from the Medieval Latin word "empyreus," adapted from the Ancient Greek word "empyrus" meaning "in or of the fire." Properly known as Empyrean Heaven, it was the highest heaven which, in ancient times, was supposed to house the element fire, or aether according to Aristotle's natural philosophy. Most notable in Dante's the Divine Comedy, it was described as a dwelling place for God, the blessed, and celestial beings so divine they are made of pure light, and the source of light and creation.
By the way, thanks to this chapter, this story passes the Bechdel test. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a test for any work of fiction that has two women conversing about anything other than a man. It's very rare to find a work of fiction that passes it.
Also, I added in a Gurren Lagann reference. I regret nothing.
"So let me get this straight: the reason why the moon had funny markings was because an evil witch had taken over the Earth?"
"Err, no, Wuya was just at full power. That's why there were markings on the moon."
"Oh." Valerie could imagine Eric rolling his eyes back in Switzerland. She quickly readjusted her shoulder, making sure it was pressing her phone to her ear.
"So did anything actually happen during Wuya's two day reign of evil?" Valerie asked as she continued to type out words on her laptop.
"Nothing," Eric revealed. "The only thing that made world news was that someone threatened the English prime minister to hand over the island to them."
Valerie raised an eyebrow. "What kind of person was it?"
"The minister refused to comment, but sources say it was a rock person."
"A rock person?" Or a rock golem, Valerie said inwardly.
"Yeah; I never pegged Dwayne Johnson as being a messenger for evil," Eric said seriously. It took a moment, but then Valerie started laughing as she pictured 'The Rock' as being evil's messenger. She quickly wiped tears from her eyes.
"And that's it? No other threats?"
She could hear the vague noises of typing on the other end of the line. "If there was, all the other world leaders are keeping it under wraps," Eric said. "Probably don't want to cause another uproar like in England."
"Or make themselves look foolish," Valerie mused.
Eric made a humming sound. "So, is there anything else I should worry about? No other Heylin magicians' hell bent on world domination?"
"No, we're already working on it," Valerie said. She took the phone off her shoulder and held it against her ear. "It's just…these type of people tend to go after Geneva or some other peaceful yet influential city and take it over."
"Ah." Eric seemed to understand. "Don't worry about me. I'm way tougher than I look. Just who the hell do you think I am?"
Valerie smiled wistfully. "You're Ironman."
"And don't you forget it," Eric joked lightly. "I have to go now. Just remember not to get killed by evil Heylin witches, okay?"
"Just who the hell do you think I am?" she parroted jokingly.
"Hey, that's my line," Eric chided her. "Love you."
"Love you too." Valerie ended the call and closed her eyes. For a second she could feel the pinprick behind her eyes, almost feel the tears running down her cheeks. And then the feeling washed away, leaving her at peace.
Eric was safe. Eric was safe. She repeated the mantra as she finished the transaction she was working on. Someone had ordered a few of the books she was selling and she had to gather them all so she could ship them.
As she gathered the items into the large box, Kimiko poked her head into her room. "Whatcha doing, Val?"
"Someone ordered some books online," Valerie answered back. "I'm just getting them ready to ship."
Kimiko walked over. "What did they order?"
"Sun Tzu's The Art of War, Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World, Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T.E. Lawrence, Jane Eyre…" Valerie trailed off as she packed the books into the box.
Kimiko held up another book that was soon to be added to the list, War is a Force that Gives Us Meaning by Chris Hedges. "What kind of guy orders a bunch of books on war?" She flipped through the pages. "In Russian?"
"Probably some guy named Vlad who lives in Russia," Valerie said flatly as she took the book from Kimiko. "Did you need something?"
"Oh yeah, I finally found an anime that you'll like," the Asian said perkily.
Valerie quickly got out the duct tape and started to shut the box. "No offense to Japan, but I'm just not into anime. I don't get the appeal."
"You will with this anime," Kimiko said confidently. "It's about a bibliophile like you."
Valerie momentarily stopped duct taping the box and looked up. "Go on."
Kimiko gave a cat-like grin. "It's got a three episode OVA and a twenty six episode TV series. It's set in an alternate history where the British Empire is still a major superpower. The main character, Yomiko Readman, is a superhuman agent of the Empire who controls paper and uses it to stop supernatural threats. Also she has a thing for books."
"Color me interested," Valerie said as she finished taping the box.
"I already have it set up on my laptop," Kimiko added expectantly.
Valerie smiled. "I just need to send this out. Could you go and grab us a few snacks?"
The Asian smiled and said, "Sure!" As she left Valerie quickly printed out the transaction report so she could stick it into the package. After writing out the address of the receiver on the box she quickly walked to the mail room.
The Temple's mail room was more like a large closet. There was a desk, an ancient filing cabinet, and cubbies attached to the walls. Underneath each cubby was a plate with a name engraved on it, and at least half of the holes had letters in them.
Valerie set the package on the desk and quickly peeked into her cubby, standing on her toes to see inside. Nothing; Eric hadn't sent her anything recently. Well, they did communicate mostly through talking on the phone, text messages, and email. But there was something about receiving an actual paper mail addressed to you, only to you. It was official and magical at the same time. A shame Valerie and most kids her age would rarely experience it.
"Did you need something Valerie?" Master Fung said as he walked into the room. Valerie jerked a thumb at the box on the desk.
"Just sending another package of books," she answered.
"And where it this one headed?" Master Fung asked curiously as he made his way over to the desk.
"Moscow."
"Did you not live in Moscow for some time?" the master asked.
"Actually I lived in Kagalnitskaya, about three kilometers away from Moscow," Valerie corrected him. "And it was around two years."
"You have traveled far and wide," Master Fung noted. "You have broadened your mind to many cultures and ideas. You have something that very few people ever accomplish."
"Not like I had a choice," Valerie said, awkwardly scratching her head.
"It is something that sets you apart from the other Dragons."
"Tell me about it." She rolled her eyes. "Raimundo's been begging me to teach him some German."
Master Fung arched an eyebrow. "He has?"
"For the most part," Valerie said smoothly. There was no need to tell him that what Raimundo really wanted to know was swear words and that she had actually fed him a few of the safer ones. There was no need to go into the heavier slurs just yet.
"I need to go," she said suddenly. "Kimiko said she finally found an anime that I'll like." Master Fung waved goodbye as she left, hurrying to Kimiko's room. She found the Asian surrounded by wires: wires for the laptop, for the cell phone, for the TV, and for the game station. She was hooking up her laptop to the TV, letting the YouTube logo take over the screen.
"I thought you said you had everything set up," Valerie pointed out.
"I was just double checking," Kimiko answered back. She held up a few bags of chips and a couple of soft drinks. "You don't mind Calpis do you?"
"…The fuck is Calpis?"
"It's soda from Japan." When she saw Valerie's disgusted look, she asked, "What's wrong?"
"The name of the soda sounds like 'cow piss.'"
"Oh." Kimiko blinked. "Then I guess you'd call it Calpico." She tossed her a can. "Just try it."
Valerie tentatively popped the lid and took a sip. The milky drink tasted like vanilla yogurt. "It's not bad."
"It's from Japan, what did you expect?" Kimiko said pompously before sitting down. "Now are we going to watch Read or Die or what?"
"Is that the name of the anime?" Valerie asked sitting down.
"Yep."
"…I like it."
"I thought you would."
A few days later
Omi held up a stopwatch in his little chubby hand. "Stand on your marks!" he announced. His finger twitched over the button. "Set yourselves! Commence with the chores; GONG YI TAN PAI!" As soon as Omi's finger touched the timer, the monks sped off.
"Third-Arm Sash!" Omi shouted and ran over to the bucket. He grabbed a sponge and some window cleaner while the Third-Arm plunged a brush into the warm soapy water in the bucket. Omi went to washing the window while the Arm scrubbed the floor behind him.
Kimiko did at least ten front flips before shouting, "Lotus Twister!" With an elongated arm she swept the floor underneath the couch, gathering up all the clutter.
"Jetbootsu!" Clay hovered in the air on his rocket boots. He used a duster to clean the lanterns hanging from the ceiling.
"Monkey Staff!" Valerie quickly used her new agility to latch onto the ceiling so she could easily get to the vases along the hallway. She quickly pruned the roses in them, using her temporary primate finesse to carefully pick out the wilted flowers. She then popped one dead flower into her mouth and began to chew. It took her a full minute to realize what she was doing and spit it out.
"Shroud of Shadows!" Raimundo whipped the cloak around before putting it on the large hill of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. "All done!"
"I call bullshit," Valerie said as she used the ceiling like monkey bars. It was a fun way to travel, especially after pruning the roses, but she could feel herself growing a tail so she quickly let go of the Monkey Staff.
"Come on Raimundo," Kimiko chided him, "the sooner we finish our chores the more time we have to hang."
"Yes!" Omi agreed. "Although I may chose a different activity," he added as an afterthought.
"It's an expression Omi," Valerie told him. "Basically we all just share the same space and do fun things together."
"Do we not do that every day?"
"I wouldn't call training fun."
"But it is!" Omi whined as Valerie walked away.
Kimiko suddenly made gagging noises as her hand touched something particularly disgusting under the couch. She picked it up, her long arm creating an almost noodle shape. In her hands was a half-eaten slice of pizza, which was now blue and moldy.
Clay hovered down the ground and said, "Hey, I was lookin' for that!" He then grabbed it out of Kim's hands and ate it. The Asian held her stomach and tried not to vomit as Clay said, "Nothing like pizza for breakfast."
As soon as Kimiko was done she and Valerie headed for the door. "Come on Clay, we're done!"
Clay set down his duster and said, "Me two! I'm donner than a rack of ribs at a Texas barbeque!" He then flew out the door with his rocket boots.
A little while later everyone was hanging around the obstacle course. Kimiko was sitting on a swinging axe, swaying slightly. Valerie was sitting on the ground, flipping through The Great Gatsby, her back against one of the axes. Both Clay and Raimundo were standing around. All four were waiting for Omi to get back from chores.
Omi finally ran up to them, the stopwatch in his hand. He proudly pointed to the time on it before sitting down with crossed legs. "Now that we have mastered the art of battle, and Theo has trapped Wuya in the puzzle box, perhaps chores are the only use we'll have for the Shen Gong Wu." He put his chin in his hands thoughtfully.
Clay tipped his hat up. "It sure was a lot more fun when we had someone to fight against."
Master Fung chose that moment to walk up to them. "Still waters may blanket the greatest of unseen hazards."
"There he goes again," Raimundo griped. "Can someone get me a translator?"
"He's saying there might still be someone out there trying to use the Shen Gong Wu for evil," Valerie explained briefly looking up from her page.
"Ah, there we go," Raimundo joshed. Valerie rolled her eyes and closed her book on the mention of the 'valley of ashes.' Both turned to Fung as he whipped out the Shroud of Shadows and revealed the stack of dirty dishes the Lusitanic boy had hidden away.
Raimundo blushed and stuttered out, "Oh, that's where those dishes went."
"Smooth," Valerie muttered.
Master Fung carried the dishes over to Raimundo. "Overconfidence can be more dangerous than a lack of confidence." He pawed the dishes over to Rai, who tentatively gripping the slightly swaying pile.
"We kicked evil's butt," Kimiko pointed out as she swung on the hanging axe. "Why can't we just kick back for a while?"
"Stop everything!" Dojo hollered as he slithered over to the group. "Did you tell them about the new Shen Gong Wu?"
"I was just about to," Master Fung said.
"And there's your answer," Valerie said standing up.
Fung took the Ancient Scroll out of his monk sleeves and opened it. "The Shard of Lightning is a most interesting Shen Gong Wu. It gives the user the ability to travel at the speed of light, but for only short flashes of time." The moving picture showed a stick figure holding a stick with a giant orb on it. It held the talisman up to the sky where lightning struck it and it disappeared from view, only to show up farther away.
"Let's go get that Shard! Woo!" Dojo cried out excitedly.
A sneaky grin stretched across Raimundo's face. "Oh, darn. Now I won't have time to finish my dishes," he drawled out.
"They will be here when you get back," Master Fung said cheerfully as he and everyone else walked away. Valerie heard Raimundo give a cry of rage; and then she heard the tinkling of breaking china. She didn't need to turn around to know that Rai had just broken all the dishes.
Near a rocky seaside cliff
Why the hell didn't Valerie grab a rain slicker before she left, or at least an umbrella? Seriously, it was raining buckets. Her short sleeve red and yellow Wonder Woman T-shirt and jeans were soaked. Not even her trucker hat offered any protection.
Dojo quickly sniffed the air and pointed to the left. "The Shard of Lightning is over there!" He suddenly pointed to the right. "No, over there." He pointed left again. "No, over there."
"Can't you focus yourself?" Kimiko asked pulling at her long blue black hair. "Which is it?"
"You…are not scared, are you Dojo?" Omi asked hesitantly.
"Me?" Dojo gave a sheepish laugh. "Scared of a little electrical storm?" He stopped laughing and shrieked as a bolt of lightning flashed dangerously near him. "You know, lightning's always drawn to the tallest object, which in this case, is me!" The dragon immediately flew downwards toward the ground.
Once everyone was dropped off, they all looked determinedly up the cliff side. It would have looked pretty epic had they all dressed seriously. Alas, Clay was still in his cowboy outfit though with the sleeves rolled up and sans gloves, Omi his monk robes, Valerie her T-shirt and jeans and hair out of its braid, Raimundo with tan cargo pants, a raglan shirt with a white torso and green sleeves with an orange wing design on the chest with a matching orange long sleeved undershirt, and Kimiko in her yellow coat with blue heart-shaped buttons, purple miniskirt, purple backpack, blue knee-high socks and purple ballet flats. They looked more like they were on a field trip, to be honest.
"I am willing to bet my bottom that is where our Shard is." Omi pointed to the top of the rocky cliff. The storm chose that moment to send a bolt of lightning at the cliff. The lightning flashed menacingly before fading away.
"Uh, that's your bottom dollar," Kimiko pointed out.
Question marks blipped around Omi's head before he exclaimed, "That makes no sense at all!"
"Forget that; let's check it out!" Raimundo called over the storm. He led the way towards the cliff side, their feet hitting the wooden dock. Suddenly they saw something black swoop in front of them. Something curvy and feminine, wearing a black leather suit with cat ears and a moving tail.
"Well, well," sneered Kimiko, "look what the Katnappe dragged in."
Katnappe hissed and bared a clawed hand. "Mee-oowww," she drawled out. And then something hazy and purple hovered beside her. It had a familiar white mask and red markings with sickly yellow eyes peeping out of the eyeholes.
"Wuya?!" Omi cried out incredulously.
The ghostly witch flew over to them. "You didn't think I'd stay in that puzzle box forever, did you?"
"Well, another fifteen hundred years would have been nice!" Omi shouted out. It was faintly sarcastic, which was odd for him.
Lightning flashed over them, hitting the cliff above. The rocks that were struck fell apart, revealing the Shard of Lightning. Its end was stuck in the cliff side, just waiting to be taken out.
"The Shard!" Clay pointed out dramatically.
"Stop them!" Wuya told Katnappe. The feline evildoer took off her backpack and revealed her genetically altered super kittens.
"Kitties, attack!" The white, furry creatures bared their frothing teeth and leaped at the male warriors, attaching their claws into their skin.
Omi, Raimundo, and Clay immediately fell victim to the predators. Omi gently pried off his one kitten while Raimundo stumbled around, yelling, "OW! Not the face!" as three of the cats attacked him.
"Dang blast it kittens!" Clay cussed as he tried to pry off some of the felines. "I'm more of a dog person myself."
Valerie immediately attacked Katnappe, swinging a foot at her head. The cat lady leaped to the side then jumped up yelling a war cry. Valerie grabbed her by the arm and said, "Shard's ours, kitty! Now take a soak!" She then threw Katnappe into the sea, leaving her there.
"Someone smells like wet fur," Kimiko joked just before they all heard the familiar sounds of propellers in the air. Jack Spicer appeared around the cliff side, a posse of Jack-Bots beside him.
"Wuya, you teamed up with this sorry excuse for a fur ball?" Jack pointed to Katnappe, still in the water. And then Katnappe leaped through the air, slicing a Jack-Bot in half.
"Looks like everybody was invited to this rodeo," Clay said finally getting the kittens off him.
Jack put away his poles and landed on the ground. "Yeah, but I'm the one who's going to walk away with the prize."
"There is no way for you to defeat the mighty Xiaolin warriors," Omi said determinedly. Valerie was betting he was going to use the new attacks they developed over the past few days, the ones where'd they really show off their powers.
"TORNADO STRIKE: WATER!" Omi bellowed. Water from the shore washed up over him, creating a tidal wave. His forehead glowed the familiar six dots as he heroically waded through the water.
But Jack just parted the wave with his hands, laughing evilly as he did so. Omi aimed a kick at his head, but he dodged to the side. Omi kept at it, trying to hit him, but Jack was far too fast to catch. Soon the boy genius grabbed Omi by the leg and said, "Out of my way, oh great bald one." He tossed Omi to the side, where he lay in the mud.
Clay chose that moment to give Jack a whirl. "Not so fast there, partner," he said. "Seismic Kick, Earth!" He aimed a lasso at Jack, nabbing him. But then Jack spun around like a top, gathering up the rope and pulling the cowboy towards him. And then Jack spun around Clay, using his own attack against him and wrapping him up. Clay was too stupefied to fight back. He fell on his face into the mud.
As Kimiko went to free Clay, Jack crowed, "This is too easy! Jack-Bots, attack!" Instantly his robot posse was upon them. Clay (now free) and Omi kicked them away with over the top martial arts. Valerie tore off the head of one of them and threw it aside. It nearly hit Katnappe, who shrieked and ran away from the fight.
Kimiko kicked a Jack-Bot into the cliff side, destroying it. Raimundo, who had been hiding behind a rock for some reason, blew a raspberry at it. He then tried climbing up the cliff, a super kitten attached to the seat of his pants.
Valerie turned to Spicer, who was still sneering at them. Valerie front flipped towards him and shouted, "Empyrean Drive, Aether!" Her hands immediately lit up with white energy as she aimed a fist at Jack's head. Jack quickly dodged and grabbed her wrist. He picked her up with inhuman strength and tossed her aside into the water, drenching her.
Valerie came up spitting water just as Raimundo came screaming down the cliff side, a rock-a-lanche right after him. He ran away as fast as he could, Clay right behind him. Valerie hurried to the shore and stood stoically with the others as they saw Jack fly away with the remains of his robot crew.
Jack gave a little wave as he held up the Shard of Lightning with his other hand. "Later Xiaolin losers!" He laughed triumphantly before he disappeared from view.
The next day
Valerie was perched precariously atop a wooden pole, the top of it sanded down so she could stand on it properly. She along with the others were catching white feathers that were falling from the sky. It was another weird training exercise Master Fung had cooked up for them.
Omi leaped through the air, easily catching feathers. "Master Fung was right. We have underestimated our enemy."
"What's with Jack?" Raimundo wondered out loud.
"I tell ya, he was pretty impressive," Clay admitted.
"Yeah, even his disses seemed to be better," Raimundo said catching another feather in his fist.
Omi talked as he flipped through the air. "Although I do not like it when Jack commences with the garbage talk, even I must admit 'great bald one' was a good diss. Ouch."
"How did Jack suddenly get so good?" Kimiko mused.
"Evil twin," Valerie blurted out as she plucked a feather out of the air. "Or eviler twin in this case."
"Get your head out of the story books, Val, we're being serious here," Raimundo griped.
"How else do you explain it?"
"He must have been practicing while some of us were using Shen Gong Wu to get out of doing the dishes," Omi said snarkily as he grabbed feathers out of the air using flips.
"If we wanna beat Jack, we're going to have to practice," Kimiko declared.
Raimundo suddenly sneezed violently, flying off his pole and hitting Kimiko, then Omi, then Valerie, and finally Clay. They all fell down to the ground in a painful heap, with Clay on top of all of them. They feathers they collected slowly fell to the floor.
"Yeah," Clay agreed. "Practice a lot."
Valerie's attack, Empyrean Drive, was originally supposed to be Empyrean Fist. I thought that sounded lame, so I changed it to Empyrean Punch, but that didn't have much of a ring to it. So I looked up synonyms for punch and found drive, and since the two words sounded pretty cool, I used that.
So, thoughts anyone?