Chapter 32: Sea Planes and Evil Moustaches
"Enter the Dragon" was one of the episodes that really freaked me out as a kid. I mean, the monks got eaten alive by one of their friends. I repeat: THEY WERE EATEN ALIVE. The idea itself is absolutely terrifying, and I'm surprised the monks didn't break down in Dojo's stomach. Jack's the only one who was reacting properly to the situation. I know it's supposed to make him seem cowardly, but a normal person would act the same as him.
Anyway, let's get this show on the road!
It was a nice, breezy day at the Temple. No Shen Gong Wu had been activated; there were no Greek monsters after the monks, no Wuya or Jack Spicer to dampen the day. It was just another spring day in China, with the sunshine pleasantly beating down on the courtyard. Valerie and the other monks were in the garden, playing sports and videogames and trick roping as a way to enjoy the day.
Suddenly, a loud tapping could be heard. It was like a hammer hitting wood, and it shattered the serene, blissful feeling of spring. Valerie slowed the soccer ball she was kicking around and went with the others to investigate.
Right on the front steps of the courtyard, Dojo was hammering away at a makeshift wooden box. It was actually very well-made; presumably the reptile had picked up some carpentry skills over the fifteen hundred years of his life.
"What's with Dojo?" Kimiko asked Master Fung, who had also joined the investigation.
"I am afraid it is Dojo's…ailment," the master said with a long-suffering sigh. "It is about to make itself known."
Dojo stopped hammering and gave them a suspicious glare. "Why is everyone staring at me like I'm some kind of freak?" Valerie started with the others. They had never heard Dojo talk like that, ever. He was normally much kinder, if a bit snarky.
"I…am not…a freak!" Dojo suddenly wailed, staring back at the box. Clay put a hand on the reptile's shoulders.
"Easy there, feller," Clay told him gently. "Nobody said anything." He turned to the others and whispered loudly: "Out loud." Dojo was not amused.
"It happens once every fifteen hundred years or so," Master Fung explained. "A craving for Shen Gong Wu so overpowering he'll be forced to devour everything in his path to get to them. If not stopped-"
"The world will cease to exist as we know it," Raimundo cut in melodramatically.
"…Exactly," Master Fung said. "He will have to be locked in the box for twenty-four hours." He waved a hand to Dojo, who was already in the box and making himself at home. Valerie looked inside to see the dragon straightening a picture on the wall. She could vaguely make out the group of young Dragons-in-training in the simple frame.
"Has Dojo ever gotten out of his box?" Omi asked nervously.
"It has only happened once," Master Fung replied. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "It was the last time anyone saw Atlantis."
"You mean he ate one of the greatest civilizations mankind ever had?" Valerie glared at Dojo. "You asshole." He was about to give an angry retort back when he suddenly started to vibrate.
"It's happening!" Raimundo cried out frantically as the reptile clutched his throat. "It's happening!"
Dojo growled menacingly, bringing up his claws in a threatening manner. And then he sagged, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry. Couldn't resist." He wiped his brow. "False alarm. But I am sensing a new Shen Gong Wu. Or…AM I?" he added in dark tones, looming forward. "It's just a Wu," he then said, chuckling weakly.
And then he enlarged reaching towards the sky. "All aboard!" he said. "Please keep your hands and feet inside the dragon at all times."
"I am sorry, Dojo," Master Fung said honestly, "but I am afraid it is too risky in your current condition."
Dojo turned back to his normal tiny form. "But I have to go. I always go!"
"If you like, you could draw up a map for the others to follow," the master told him.
"Okay, okay," Dojo grumbled. He slithered back inside his box. "If you want a map, I'll draw ya a map."
"Since Dojo will be…indisposed," Master Fung began, "you will take the Silver Manta Ray." He held up the silver and black Wu with the red ruby in the center.
"Whoa!" everyone said as Raimundo took it. He then threw it in the air, shouting, "Silver Manta Ray!" The Wu glowed before there was a flash of light. The tiny Wu became a large sleek silver plane, with normal plane controls despite the sea creature-like appearance.
As everyone gasped and cheered in amazement, Valerie had to ask, "How did Dashi know to create a Wu that would fit with our modern technology? Back then, no one would have imagined man flying, so how would a monk from fifteen hundred years in the past know to create an actual airplane?"
Master Fung shrugged his shoulders. "Sands of Time?"
"Aw, come on Val, just enjoy the cool Wu," Clay told her dismissively. Valerie rolled her eyes and ogled the sleek machine.
"However," Master Fung held up a finger, "one of you will have to remain behind to watch Dojo."
"Master Fung is wise as always," Omi declared. "Valerie, you will remain behind."
"What? Why?"
"You do not have a spot in the Dragon X Kumei Formation, which is our most powerful move against Wuya," Omi told her pompously. "You are not needed in battle once we use that." She gritted her teeth, steam pouring out of her ears.
"No Omi," Master Fung said sharply. For a second Valerie thought he was going to defend her, but instead the master said, "You will be the one who stays." In all honesty, she was also fine with that option.
"Why should I remain behind and Valerie go?" Omi whined. "She is useless in the Formation!" Valerie made a slight growling noise, almost like an angry cat.
"Remember, the smaller assignments are often the most difficult difficult ones," Master Fung said. When Omi started to sulk, Dojo gave him a great big hug and a kiss on the temple. That made Omi blush, just a little.
Flying through some snowy mountains…
Clad in winter gear, the four monks flew through the air on the Silver Manta Ray. It was as sleek on the inside as it was on the outside. In fact, it was downright luxurious, with soft leather seats and a control panel that belonged in a science fiction movie. It was a bit cramped though, since it was still a fighter aircraft and not a commercial airline.
Raimundo flew the plane through the mountains towards a shiny thing resting on the tallest of them all. The Lusitanic boy expertly landed the Manta Ray onto the snowy ground and lifted the windshield. With a smirk everyone leaped out of the plane, with Clay even shouting, "Let's bag this Wu!"
Raimundo immediately ran towards it. "It's the Tunnel Armadillo," Kimiko gasped as Rai came this close to getting it.
"Looks like you came a long way for nothing, Xiaolin losers!" Jack Spicer suddenly said over his ship's loudspeaker. It was evil-looking and hawk-like and…actually looked kind of cool. Though the novelty wore off when Jack sent a missile at them.
Raimundo leaped out of the way before the missile could hit. It exploded on impact, creating an intense heat wave. The Tunnel Armadillo flew through the air, now dislodged from the packed snow. Jack sent more missiles at Raimundo, who dodged them effortlessly. Then he held up the Monkey Staff and shouted, "Use the Shen Gong Wu!"
As everyone held up their Wu, Jack said, "Good idea, thanks. Glove of Jisaku!" A yellow hand suddenly appeared out of the cockpit, the fingers stretching out over the monks. Valerie could feel a magnetic pull trying to take the Eye of Dashi from her; she curled her fingers and help on, but the Glove took the Wu anyway, along with the Monkey Staff, the Changing Chopsticks, the Tongue of Saiping, and even the Tunnel Armadillo.
As the Wu disappeared inside the helm of the evil ship, Wuya crowed, "Brilliant, Jack! For once you did something right!"
"You know, an evil genius could take that the wrong way," Jack huffed as the helm closed. He then flew away, leaving the Xiaolin monks with only the Silver Manta Ray. That was actually pretty nice of him, once Valerie thought about it.
Back at the Temple
The Silver Manta Ray hovered on the ground before shrinking back into its Wu form. Valerie landed on the ground feet first just as Omi said, "My fellow warriors. I would be most appreciative if you would be so kind as to OPEN THIS DOOR!" He screamed the last bit out as the frustration boiled over, his fingers curling over the bars on the window.
Clay got down on one knee in front of the padlocked door. "Omi? How in tarnation did you get yourself in there?" He reached out towards the lock. Raimundo quickly stopped him.
"Wait. What if its Dojo morphed into the form of Omi?"
"Can Dojo even do that?" Valerie asked as Omi groaned.
"No, it is not Dojo doing me, it is me!"
"That's pretty good Dojo," Raimundo noted approvingly.
"I AM NOT DOJO!" Omi screamed his face smushed up against the bars. Clay idly poked his giant squishy head.
"Where's the real Omi?" Kimiko wondered out loud. As she turned around to survey the courtyard, Valerie moved out of the way of her angel wings. They were a cute addition to her backpack, but they were pretty annoying at the moment.
"Must have abandoned his post," Raimundo scoffed. "Figures."
"I did not abandon my post!" Omi roared. "I am at my post. Actually, I am inside my post. But that Dojo pulled his sweater over my eyes!"
"Okay, that's got to be Omi," Raimundo said with an easygoing smile. He quickly unlocked the door and Omi walked out despondently.
"Looks like we're all feeling lower than a snake's belly today," Clay said sadly. "We lost five Shen Gong Wu."
Suddenly Master Fung ran up to the open box and peered inside, looking pale. He turned to the monks, a look of tranquil fury on his face. "Who let Dojo out?"
Everyone turned to Omi before taking a giant step away from him. Omi sighed. "I am so ashamed. It appears Dojo is one very crafty dragon."
"Oh, this is not good," Master Fung said, massaging his head.
"How bad is it really?" Raimundo asked just as a ray of light exploded from the nearby mountains. Valerie was the only one to turn around and see the blue mushroom cloud suddenly appear.
"You just had to say that, didn't you?" Valerie grumbled.
Suddenly the mushroom cloud turned into a funnel that led into the sky, creating a dark ripple effect that stretched over the Temple. "It has already begun," Master Fung said as darkness started to spread over the Temple. "A thousand years of darkness."
"Why a thousand?" Kimiko questioned.
"It is really nine hundred and sixty-two years, but a thousand sounds more ominous," the master explained. Valerie shot him a look as the darkness continued to spread.
About twenty minutes later…
Valerie grabbed the Culver Crystal and some other Wu and put them in a bag. She then held the bag open for the others to put in some more Wu. When it got too heavy she lifted it over her shoulder and lugged it up the stone steps.
"Maybe we should just take the Shen Gong Wu and leave," Raimundo pointed out as he walked up the stairs, the Sword of the Storm slung over his shoulder.
"It will not matter where or how far we travel," Master Fung said gravely. "Dojo will find us."
"A-as always, Master Fung is most wise," Omi stuttered out. "An honorable warrior would…" he trailed off as a long, dark shadow fell upon them. Valerie looked up to see the enormous form of Dojo pass over the temple skylight. She blinked once; it seemed as if, for a moment, Dojo had two necks. It was probably a trick of the light, but with his 'ailment'…
"…Fight?" Omi finished in a small voice. Dark storm clouds then passed over the Temple, with lightning flashing and thunder booming. Everyone ran outside as thunder clashed once more, the lightning so bright it turned the dark courtyard gray.
"…does know how to make an entrance," Kimiko said nervously as Evil Dojo loomed over them. His tail twisted underneath him and dark green clouds seemed to spread out from behind him. And yes, he did have two heads. Valerie did not dream that up.
"I've got a powerful craving for some Shen Gong Wu," one of the Dojo heads said, stretching out its neck so his face was literally right above them. The other head did the same.
"One stomach and two mouths to feed." The head then screamed and fire shot out through its teeth. Raimundo and Kimiko quickly ducked, but their hair was still singed pretty badly.
"Fist of Tebigong!" Clay shouted, hitting the ground. Cracks appeared, and then there was a giant ravine headed straight for Dojo.
"Star Hanabi!" Kimiko cried out as a whirlwind of flames erupted out of the jewel. The fire struck Dojo, and he fell down the ravine into the fog, screaming as he slowly faded away.
"Sorry!" Clay called out as the two-headed dragon flew out of the earth. He quickly wiped the soot off him and stuck a finger in one ear to clean it out.
"In hindsight, using a fire weapon against a dragon probably wasn't the smartest idea," Valerie noted.
Everyone moved out of the way as a clawed hand came down. Only Clay was trapped in the hand, and the cowboy screamed as Dojo brought him up to one of his heads. And then he was swallowed whole, screaming as he slid down the throat of the dragon.
Valerie stared in horror, her brain short circuiting. The only thing that was going through her mind was: Dojo ate Clay oh my god he's still screaming DOJO FUCKING ATE CLAY!
"It's okay!" Clay called from the dragon's stomach. "First time I've ever been on the wrong end of a fork!"
To Valerie, that was the understatement of the year.
And then the two heads laughed maniacally showing off sharp teeth and their new evil moustaches. Suddenly they moved, their slithery necks stretching out towards Master Fung. Grabbing the Reversing Mirror out of the bag, Valerie dashed towards them, just as Master Fung struck a martial arts pose.
Just as Dojo opened one of his mouths, Valerie cried out, "Reversing Mirror!" The Dojo head slammed into the spell, its snout struck by some sort of force field. He jerked back and rubbed his nose.
"Go! Run! I'll distract him!" Valerie told the master just before she started running.
"A chase? I love a good chase!" one of the dragon heads said creepily. He slithered over towards her, shooting fire out of his mouth. Valerie continued to say the incantation so the fire wouldn't hurt her. She then slid behind Raimundo and Kimiko, who held up their respective Wu.
"STAR HANABI!" "SWORD OF THE STORM!" Both teens used their Wu to create a fiery whirlwind aimed right at the two-headed dragon. The attack eventually turned into a tornado, with Dojo trapped right inside.
"Do you guys honestly think using fire on him a second time is going to work?" Valerie said exasperatedly.
"You just had to say that, didn't you?" Raimundo snapped at her as the two heads peered out of the tornado. Together they blew apart the trap, the fire hitting the buildings behind the three monks. Everyone ducked their heads in time though.
"Nice going Omi," Valerie muttered just as teeth surrounded her. She was quickly snapped up inside Dojo's mouth, the pharynx undulating so she moved down the esophagus. It was pink and slimy and there was very little air and oh god she needed to get out but there was so very little room.
Resigned, Valerie just said, "Well this sucks."
She quickly fell through the esophagus into the stomach, landing in something green and smelly. It was just the churned food Dojo ate and that his stomach was just digesting, but it was still disgusting to walk on. If Valerie ever got out of here, she would have to clean her monk uniform half a million times. Or burn it.
She made her way over to Clay, stepping over chewed up bits of building and other items. The cowboy himself was sitting in front of a glowing pink sphere, half of it covered in green stuff. She sat down cross-legged on a raft of sorts, making sure her uniform wouldn't get even filthier. And then some more people tumbled down the esophagus; Kimiko and Raimundo crashed into the half-full stomach and quickly made their way over to them.
And then Jack Spicer appeared, screaming his head off: "There's got to be a way out of here!" He quickly flew around the inside of the stomach, a flashlight in his hands. Wuya followed behind him, not saying a word for once.
"Well, today is just getting worse," Valerie muttered as the two made their way over. And then, finally, Omi landed inside, getting himself covered completely in chewed up food. With a look of disgust he walked over to the others, who at this point were sitting around the glowing sphere.
His look of disgust turned to happiness when he spied his friends. "Raimundo! Kimiko! Clay! Valerie! You have not been eaten alive by stomach acids!"
"Reckon we're lucky Dojo never learned to chew his food," Clay noted somewhat glumly.
"But Dojo's a reptile," Valerie told him. "I don't think he has the teeth to chew his food."
Before Clay could retort Jack flew overhead, wailing in despair. "There's no way out of here!" He then spied the tunnel to the small intestine. "Except one, but I wouldn't recommend it without a wetsuit."
"You are such a whiner, Jack Spicer," Wuya told him as she flew down the tunnel.
"What do we do now that we're all captured?" Raimundo asked his friends worriedly.
"I have not been truly captured," Omi said anxiously. "I have only allowed myself to be captured as part of my elaborate plan to save the world from one thousand years of darkness!"
"Uh-huh, yeah, sure you did," Valerie said, cupping her cheek with one hand and staring into the blinking lights of the sphere.
"I did!" Omi huffed indignantly. "I will just need a few of the Shen Gong Wu Dojo has already eaten: the Reversing Mirror, the Changing Chopsticks, and the Shroud of Shadows."
Valerie looked around in search of the Shen Gong Wu, once again stepping on the nasty green slime. Kimiko suddenly shouted, "I got the Mirror!" so there were only two to find.
Raimundo held up the Shroud of Shadows and said, "I think Jack has the Changing Chopsticks." Suddenly Jack appeared hovering behind him, hands to his temples in hysteria.
"You know, I've never told anyone this before, but I don't so well in enclosed spaces!" He then cried out in panic as he quickly flew over to Clay, probably for a hug.
Clay grabbed him by the shoulders and growled out, "Easy there partner." Jack slowly stopped whimpering.
"Jack, if you want to get out of here, you're going to have to help us," Valerie told him solemnly. "Give us the Changing Chopsticks."
"You want 'em?" Jack dug around in his jacket. "You got 'em." He held up the Chopsticks and threw them at her. "I have got to get out of here!"
Wuya instantly got all up in his face, "No!"
Jack screamed in fright, only to suddenly get a contemplative look on his face. "By the way, why can't you just fly out of here?"
"…good idea," Wuya said before phasing through the stomach walls.
"NO!" Jack cried out in despair. He ran up to the wall. "You can't leave me all alone!"
Clay chose that moment to talk to Omi. "Haven't you forgotten something, Omi? Like, how you're going to get out of dodge?"
"Changing Chopsticks!" Instantly the little monk grew smaller and smaller until he was the size of a grain of rice. Raimundo had to get down on his hands and knees to see him. "And now, if Kimiko could summon her power of fire to warm things up a little."
"Judolette Flip: Fire!" Kimiko jumped up, turned herself into a ball, and began to spin, generating a large amount of fire. She then stood up, turned her hands out and spread out the flames beyond the stomach's walls.
The temperature inside the stomach did get much hotter. Valerie quickly used her sleeve to wipe some of the sweat that had dripped down her forehead. And then she noticed that Omi was just gone. Only the little fan he was using against the heat remained.
"Looks like Dojo's gonna sweat the little guy out," Raimundo said. A few minutes later the stomach undulated, and everyone grabbed onto something. Even Jack Spicer, while screaming, clung onto something. Unfortunately that thing was Valerie's arm.
With her other hand wrapped around the side of a pole, Valerie had to kick at Jack to shake him off. Only then he started to whimper like a scared puppy, so Valerie was forced to use her now free hand to awkwardly pet him on the head, saying, "There, there, it's okay."
Raimundo glared at her with a slightly peeved expression on his face. "Should you really be comforting him?"
Valerie looked at him helplessly. "What do you want me to do? I mean, just look at him." They all stared at Jack, who was rubbing at his puffy eyes, still sniffling.
"Claustrophobia really gets to you huh?" Clay noted, scratching his head.
"At least the shaking stopped," Kimiko noted. And indeed it had, for the moment.
…And then the stomach started to tilt and whirl as Dojo flew through the air. At least, presumably flew through the air. No one could really tell inside the stomach.
Jack pitched backwards into Clay and clung onto him, shrieking like a banshee. Clay just gripped a piece of someone's house as he disgustedly tried to shake off Jack. Kimiko tumbled inside a boat of all places, hiding inside the cockpit. Valerie fell forward only to have someone wrap an arm around her waist. Raimundo was holding her while at the same grabbing the pole she had used before. He shifted her so that she could grab onto the pole as well, and she clung for dear life.
After what seemed like years, the stomach stopped shaking. Everyone slowly peeked out of their hidings spots. Valerie unglued her fingers from the pole and took a shaky step onto the gross ground.
"…I think we're okay," she said finally, her voice tiny in the gloom.
Later
Valerie honestly couldn't recall getting out of Dojo. She did remember hearing coughing noises and what sounded like upchucking noises, but at that point she just blacked out.
She also remembered waking up to see the Temple completely destroyed. Most of it was demolished, and what wasn't was blackened with soot. It would take months, possibly years to restore the Xiaolin Temple to its former glory.
…Or it'd be fine next episode. Whatever worked best.
As Omi scrubbed at the soot-covered walls and swore to try not to end the world as he knew it in the future, Valerie watched as Dojo moaned and groaned, his belly swollen dramatically and with a compress on his head.
"I did all that?" Dojo said disbelieving. "Funny. I can't remember a thing."
"You don't remember eating Master Fung?" Raimundo asked bemusedly.
He thought a moment. "Nope. Nada. Just one big blur." And then he started to shake, his stomach making gurgling sounds. "I have to admit though; I have one serious case of indigestion." And then he promptly regurgitated Jack Spicer.
Kimiko screamed and ran away from the sight. Valerie got out her phone and hit the number pad. "Eric's so not going to believe this."
Jack, in his vomit covered state, just moaned, "This shirt was a present from my granny."
I wonder if this chapter is foreshadowing something...
So, thoughts anyone?