Chapter 36: Mind Reading and Swear Words

What's this, another chapter roughly two weeks after the last update? This is progress, people! XD

But in all seriousness, school is starting for me soon, and I don't know if I can keep this up. I'll try to update as often as I can once college is in session, but real life will inevitably get in the way. That's just how it is.

And with that, I'd like to thank each and every one of my readers for sticking with me for this long. Seriously, you guys had to wait an entire year for an update (though I had pretty good reasons). Seriously, you guys are awesome.

Anyway, on with the chapter!

The five of them sat on the stone fence before one of the great oak trees in the Temple garden. Valerie had a fist to her cheek, feeling dejected as Master Fung glared down at them.

"You're infighting has cost us dearly," he said before brightening. "But, if you open your minds, it can also bring you enlightenment. By pointing out each other's shortcomings, you help each other to improve and grow both individually and as a team."

"So…you're saying we should thank each other for the insults," Clay said slowly, attempting to put the master's words into layman's terms.

Omi was the first to respond. "Thank you for insulting me, Raimundo. I am most appreciative."

"Oh, no," Rai said dismissively. "Thank you for humiliating me."

Clay turned to Kimiko. "Hey, I reckon I owe you a big thank you for making fun of the way I talk."

"It's a pleasure," Kim responded. "And thank you for pointing out my many anger flaws." The fist she held up seemed to make the thank you a bit more bitter than it should be.

Everyone turned to Valerie expectantly. She thought this entire exercise was a farce; while it wasn't a bad idea to point out some problems within the group- it had to be done at some point- this whole thanking each other business wasn't the way to do it. More like it made the hurt feelings worse.

Still, it wouldn't do to leave them all hanging. Forcing the best smile she could muster, Valerie said, "Thank you Omi, for pointing out my lack of contribution to the team. I'll be sure to work on that."

The little monk gave a gracious bow of his head. "And thank you for pointing out my, as you call it, glory hogging."

He had actually gotten a slang term right for once. Valerie had to smile at that. Everyone seemed to assume she was grinning because of the thanking sessions, because they all plastered on great, giant grins and hugged each other. Valerie was forced to add herself to the fold.

"Now go, young warriors," Master Fung said. He turned his back and the five of them went back to glaring at each other. "Fight together using what you learned from the Conch against your enemies." He turned back to them and they all beamed again.

Outside Jack Spicer's Evil Lair

The garage door had a giant blinking sign with Jack's face on it. He was smiling that stupid triumphant smile, the words "Evil" above his head and "Genius" below it, and the word "Beware" before both sides of his face. Red flashing arrows pointed at him.

Once the others popped their heads out from behind the tree, Valerie said, "Methinks Jack is more narcissistic than meets the eye."

"You may have a point there," Kimiko said begrudgingly. She was probably still sore due to all the negativity of the last few days.

In a flash the five of them jumped out from behind the tree, leaped over the giant brick wall, and landed on the lawn. A red laser grid was stretched all over the grass; Valerie and the others made sure they only landed in one square, though Raimundo had most of his body in one and his hand in another.

Once they all landed, they-the super awesome ninjas from the Xiaolin Temple- jumped up and landed in the giant tree right in front of the Spicer manor. Popping out of the foliage like fish in a pond, Raimundo pointed upward and mimed an arch with his arm. Nodding, the five of them leaped out of the tree and flew over towards the roof of the manor, leaving behind a white vapor trail as they soared, once again defying the laws of physics.

Like cats they softly landed on the roof and looked around to see any of the guard robots. Then they looked through the glass windows on the roof, surveying the inside. Clay opened a window and they were in.

The last time Valerie was in the Spicer manor she hadn't taken the time to really get a grasp for the place. It was enormous on the inside as it was on the outside, but it was fairly tasteful. The walls were a pale lavender color, the floor stone. The décor was Asian: there were plaques on the wall, Chinese dragons with scales inlaid with jade and mother-of-pearl. Japanese samurai swords had their own pedestals dotting along the hallways. Golden doors with the yin-yang symbol were all over the place. Jack's parents seemed to have a thing for Asian culture.

Quickly yet silently the five made their way through the house, keeping an eye out for anything that could set off their arrival. Suddenly they heard a rolling sound, like a giant glass ball rolling across a wooden floor. Striking kung fu poses, the monks readied themselves for an attack.

Once the shadow had cleared, a loud yet sweet voice rang out. "Hi, I'm Megan." A little girl wearing a pink dress with white polka dots was inside a giant glass ball. She had short light brown hair and a large pink bow nestled on her head. Valerie instantly recognized her as the girl who was on Jack's back while he was flying near Java.

As the little girl closed her eyes and smiled prettily at them, a laugh escaped out of Valerie's lips. Raimundo grinned at her and said, "Huh. There's something you don't see every day: a little girl in a hamster ball."

Megan opened her eyes, revealing them to be a soft baby blue color. "Are you looking for Jack Spicer and the ugly old hag?" They all nodded. She giggled. "My stupid cousin Jack thinks he locked me inside that thing." She quickly put a hand through the sphere, revealing a hidden hatch at the side. She quickly slid out of it. "But I found the door," she continued on.

"Jack's cousin, we are not only looking for Jack, but we are also looking for-!" Omi was quickly cut off by Megan.

"All the cool stuff he stole? I'll tell you where it is if you let me play with your dragon." She pointed to Dojo, who had winded himself around Clay's cowboy hat.

Kimiko immediately grabbed him and handed him over. "He's all yours," she said. Megan hugged him tightly.

"What?!" Dojo squawked. "Don't I have a say in this?"

"No!" they all shouted.

Dojo groaned. Megan giggled.

Later

Eventually the five of them found the door to the basement. It was unguarded. That made the hairs on Valerie neck stand straight up.

Going down the stairs, they spied the bag of Wu just sitting there on the table. Omi went over to grab it. "Do you know what I am thinking?"

"They might not, but I do." They looked over to the side, where Jack Spicer stepped out from behind a piece of black machinery. "You were thinking, 'this is way too easy.' And you were right. GUARD-BOTS, ATTACK!" The grabby robots from before came flying in.

"Dragon X Kumei Formation!" Omi cried out. Valerie suddenly found herself glowing electric purple. She knew the others glowed their own colors, but her? What the hell?

While Omi and Raimundo attempted to lay into a few robots, Valerie shook her head to rid herself of stray thoughts. She went in for the kill, about to jump kick a guard bot into scrap metal, when the robot suddenly flew upwards. Instead she crashed into a shelf, bits of machines raining down on her.

Once she got rid of the yellow birds flying around her head, Valerie thought: how in the bloody hell did one of Jack's robots dodge my kick? The Jack-Bots were normally so simple: their master ordered them to attack and they followed it to the letter, never trying out evasive maneuvers or cleverly trying to outwit their opponents. Jack gave a command, and they died for it.

And then it hit her like a ton of bricks. Jack has the Mind Reader Conch.

"That's right Val," Jack sang. Valerie surveyed the scene. Clay and Kimiko laid against some black machinery, disoriented. Rai and Omi were on the floor on opposite sides of the room.

"Well fuck."

"Language, Valerie!" Jack scolded her.

"Piss off you piece of shit!"

"Is she always like this?" he asked the others, who had gone back to fighting the robots. Kimiko, who had just kicked off the head of a guard bot, gave Jack a smirk.

"Yep," she drawled out just before Omi slammed into her, knocking her to the ground.

"Guard bots, finish them!" Wuya roared. Valerie took that cue to dislodge herself from the metal pile and join her friends. But then she noticed that Jack was arguing with the old hag and not using the Conch. Which meant that the bag of Wu on the table was up for grabs.

She snuck over to the table while the gang of guard bots created a circle around the other four. Jack and Wuya were paying attention to only them. Laser cannons jutted out from the chests of the guard bots who were surrounding her friends.

…And then the wall behind Jack splintered apart, and Megan in her giant hamster ball came rolling through. Valerie couldn't help but think of that particular meme Kimiko had shown her: They see me rollin', they hatin'.

…She was suddenly glad Jack wasn't using the Conch at the moment.

Megan moved the ball over Jack and rolled towards the guard bots. Knowing that for the moment everyone would be too shocked to move, she rolled around the four Xiaolin monks, using her boundless energy to move the ball at light speed. The laser cannons shot at the ball and bounced off the glass, creating an epic but deadly laser light show. Valerie dived underneath the table to avoid getting hit.

She popped her head out in time to see the lasers gradually destroy the guard bots as well as a good portion of the lair. Explosions resonated through the basement, and scrap metal rained down as a smoky fog filtered through the air. Once it settled, there was a Mexican standoff between Jack and the monks, with the table of Shen Gong Wu in the middle.

While the monks were posing, Valerie slowly moved out towards them so that her head, torso, and arms were visible. Catching Omi's eye, she smiled and winked, pointing a finger at the bag of Wu. He gave a knowing grin before his face transformed into a determined expression.

"You may have defeated my guard bots-!" Jack started.

"As usual," Wuya interrupted. She crossed her ghostly arms as Jack glared at her.

"But I still have the Conch!" Jack smiled triumphantly as he brandished the Wu. "Mind Reader Conch!" He put it to his ear. Valerie didn't know why he activated it now, but she figured he was just showing off his advantage.

Suddenly Jack dashed towards the Wu. The monks did the same a split second later, though they didn't get there in time. It didn't matter, because Valerie slithered out from underneath the table and put a hand on the bag the same time Jack did.

"Where did you come from?" the boy genius exclaimed.

She rolled her eyes. "Where do you think?" Suddenly getting serious, she declared, "Jack Spicer, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown. My Thorn of Thunderbolt against your Mind Reader Conch for this haul." She lightly shook the bag they were holding for emphasis.

"Fine!" Jack spat. "The game is: first to cry uncle loses!"

"That's a stupid name for a game."

"Shut up!"

"Let's go then: Xiaolin Showdown!" Valerie cried.

"GONG YE TAN PAI!" they both shouted as the table they were hovering over suddenly enlarged. It turned into a field before there was a blinding flash of light. Valerie blinked, watching as the black and bronze machines in Jack's lab spread out, interlocking and forming a sort of steampunk arena.

Once the field was set, there were floating pieces of machinery in the air. Cables wove in and out of the automated walls, and jagged spikes from some of Jack's experiments gleamed in the artificial light.

Valerie landed on a pipe, and she got out her Wu. Just before Jack could use the Conch, she cried out, "Thorn of Thunderbolt!" and aimed at Jack. The evil genius cried out and dodged just in time. The area he was standing on exploded, smoke billowing out. Valerie used the distraction to jump off the pipe, plummeting before landing right in the center of her group of friends. They had apparently settled shop a layer below the arena.

Getting up from her crouch, Valerie said, "We need a plan to distract Jack."

"I have one," Omi declared. "If petty insults can distract warriors as disciplined as ourselves…"

"Then imagine what they'll do to a mama's boy like Jack," Kimiko said loudly, showing her sneering face to Spicer.

Jack, who was on the tower above them, waved his arms angrily and shouted, "Who you callin' a mama's boy?"

"You, you chuj!" Raimundo swore, saying the actual curse in decent Polish. Everyone except Valerie stared at him. He blushed. "What? I learned that from Val."

"I have taught you well, my young padawan," Valerie said proudly. She then went over to the side, ripped a cable out of its socket, and used it to swing around the arena like Tarzan.

Valerie was actually having fun, swinging around the metal jungle. But she also had a Showdown to win, so she watched as Jack put the Mind Reader Conch to his ear and frowned. She quickly sent a lightning bolt at him, sending him reeling backwards.

The best part? The first thing out of his mouth was: "I do not look like a scrawny old lady!"

"Shut up, you pendejo!" Valerie crowed, relishing the fact that she could curse in so many different languages.

Sitting up from the attack, Jack wiped the soot off his face and said, "Mind Reader Conch!" putting it to his ear. And then he said, "What? I'm faster than any three-legged cow!"

Valerie smirked; Clay always did know when to pull through. Jack was running at her wildly, too eager to prove his prowess to give much fact that by doing so, he was setting himself up for disaster.

"Taste my boot!" Jack cried, aiming a kick at her. Valerie dodged, punched him in the back of his knee, and promptly threw him over her head. He flew in an arch and landed on a pipe, hitting his stomach painfully.

Valerie jumped over to him, landing on a pipe above him. She smirked as she thought: For someone so quick to call himself an evil genius, his entire world domination plan is one gran' dizgraziato.

"Speak English!" Jack cried out, trying to punch her. She dodged the fist, as well as a kick and another punch. Using her arms to launch herself from a pipe, she kicked Jack in the front and forced him to fly and land on a platform.

Just as Jack got his bearings, Valerie flipped and flew in an arch towards Jack, planting both feet on his back before flipping off him. He skidded across the platform, falling over the other side and plummeting. Valerie flipped in midair and landed on her hands like an acrobat before launching herself onto her feet. She then dived off the platform to follow Jack.

"It is not!" Jack suddenly cried out, sounding near tears. "Whose side are you on?"

Valerie grabbed a pipe in midair and flipped over it. She put her legs over the sides and seated herself comfortably. Noticing that Jack was freefalling towards her friends-and without a proper crash pad to keep him safe- she aimed her Wu at the nearest platform and said, "Thorn of Thunderbolt!"

Electricity streaked out of the Wu, hitting the edges of the platform so that instead of sitting upright it flipped over, acting like a dartboard on a wall. Valerie didn't know how that worked, but she was still glad when Jack crashed into that instead of hitting the ground and possibly breaking his neck.

"Uncle!" Jack bleated out once he was coherent. Hitting the metal platform still took a toll on him, apparently. "Uncle!" he bleated again, this time sounding dangerously close to sobbing.

Valerie almost felt bad for him as the bright light washed over them.

Once she was safely on the ground the others ran over to her, congratulating her. "Way to go!" "You did it!" "Sweet butt kicking!"

"You have done most exemplary, Valerie," Omi said, beaming up at her.

She gave him a genuine half smile. "Didn't you notice? It was a team effort." Everyone grinned at that.

Later

After Jack slid down the platform, used the Changing Chopsticks to shrink himself, and hid in a mouse hole after kicking out the original tenant (Valerie was convinced they had broken the boy genius), Valerie and the others collected the Shen Gong Wu that was promised to the victor and then some.

"Thank you for the help Megan," she said pleasantly to Jack's cousin. The little girl was smiling cutely, her brown hair in a bright pink bonnet.

"And?" Dojo leaned forward, his eyelashes girlishly long and with a matching bonnet on his head.

"And thank you, lady Dojo," Kimiko said, giggling. The reptile immediately ripped off the hat. He then enlarged and swept the monks off their feet, flying out of the open skylight.

"Thanks again!" Valerie called out as they flew away.

"Bye-bye! Come back and play sometime!" Megan called after them.

The next day

"Okay, so let's get this whole unity and team work thing started," Valerie said, brandishing her Thorn of Thunderbolt.

Omi leaped into the air, Wu glowing. "Orb of Tornami: Water!" A jet stream flew over to Raimundo.

Forcing his Wu to pinwheel, Rai said, "Sword of the Storm: Wind!" The stream aimed at him suddenly flew over his head in an arch.

Aimed at Kimiko, she pointed her own Wu and said, "Star Hanabi: Fire!" The flames circled above her head, creating a fiery force field. The water hit the shield and instantly turned into steam.

"Fist of Tebigong: Earth!" Clay hit the ground with his Fist, creating a fissure in the ground. Unfortunately that crack was aimed at Kimiko, who still had her flame shield going.

"Thorn of Thunderbolt: Aether!" Valerie aimed the electricity at the shield, forcing the flames to scatter and spread out weakly around the ground. That way when Kimiko fell into the ravine, the damage was much less severe.

Unfortunately, the fire was still spreading, eating up the grass and the gardens. "I think we need a little joint Wu action," Valerie mused. She turned to the others. "Boys, if you wouldn't mind?"

Omi and Rai grinned at each other. "Orb of Tornami!" Omi shouted, sending another stream of water upwards.

Raimundo jumped into the air, spinning his blade. "Sword of the Storm!" The wind spread out the water into a steady rain, slowly but surely dampening the growing fire. Smoke billowed out, covering the landscape.

Clay helped Kimiko out of the ravine and all five stared at the damage. Ugly scorch marks replaced the grass, and partially burnt flowers made up the gardens.

"When Master Fung finds out, we are so going to fry for this," Kimiko pointed out glumly.

"Old proverb: what Master Fung does not know will not hurt him." Omi looked pretty proud about that. And it was actually a pretty good use of modern language; he hadn't mangled it at all.

"Omi, that would have been really awesome if Master Fung wasn't standing right behind you," Valerie said, gulping audibly.

Omi whirled around to see the master looking down at him. "And what does Master Fung not know?" He held up the Mind Reader Conch.

Sweating audibly, Omi pointed a finger. "It was Valerie's idea."

"What the hell man?!"

Chuj= Polish word for dick or cock, as in dickhead. Used exclusively for males.

Pendejo= Spanish word for jackass or asshole.

Gran' dizgraziato= Italian for big disgrace.

So, yeah, now you know some swear words in different languages. If Valerie had a superpower besides her Xiaolin ones, it would be the ability to master all the swears in any language. XD

So, thoughts anyone?