Author Notes: Wow. Thank you everyone for your responses. You all seem so passionate about the result of this story. I don't like to spoil what's going to happen next, but I don't want you to worry. This is the fluffiest story I've written in a long time and I'm enjoying it. But I can't make it too fluffy, or too easy for the characters, because it's not in my nature. The characters need to have their arcs, as does the story. I hope you'll be happy with how it all works out in the end. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
As an aside: I wrote the third part of this chapter in the office at work - not the best place to be writing such a scene. ;)
(Also, please note [to those who did question it] I don't write for reviews (but every review is appreciated). I have been writing fanfiction in various guises for over sixteen years. I've been in the fanfiction game long enough to understand what gets reviews. Yet I continue to write angst, which is often not welcomed by many. I write for myself first and foremost, and I hope that what I write will be enjoyed by others too.)
"What have you got for me?"
Holding up a metal container, Maura held it out to Jane. "Cirrhosis of the liver."
"Ew." She covered her nose with the back of her hand and backed away. "No, thanks."
"No." Maura placed the container back on the tray. "Daniel Polkowski died of cirrhosis of the liver. The blow to his head was likely caused by a fall. He had arthritic damage to his knees which probably resulted in him being unsteady on his feet. He was already suffering liver failure. Had he been found earlier he might have had a couple of days."
"Case closed," Jane said, brushing her hands together. "That everything?"
Maura stood upright, her shoulders back and her eyes fixed on Jane. They'd talked about it for weeks now. But facing the impending act of conceiving a child was a harsh reality check. The night before Maura had gone to open a bottle of wine, before remembering her decision to cut down until after the baby was born.
"I'm ovulating from tomorrow."
A tray full of tools Maura had used to extract the liver clattered to the ground. Jane held her hands up in the air and shrugged her shoulders.
"I hope that's not a sign you're changing your mind," Maura said, pursing her lips. She smirked.
Jane looked back sheepishly. "I didn't realise it'd happen so soon. We've only just signed the papers."
Maura walked across the autopsy room and helped Jane to retrieve the objects. Once they were back in their rightful position, Maura watched Jane. A crease had formed between her eyebrows.
"I have the sperm here, for when we're ready."
"Here?" Jane looked around.
"It's in the freezer," Maura said. "I requested that the clinic transfer the sample into my custody. I've been given full instructions on the thawing out process."
"Full custody?" Jane stared back. "It's not a child."
"The clinic would hold onto the sample until the insemination, or until we request it. I know we haven't decided when we want to inseminate. You might prefer to wait until next month."
"This month's fine," Jane said.
Maura closed the gap between them and ran her hand up and down Jane's arm. "You don't look like this month is fine."
"It is," Jane said, her relatively glazed expression was replaced by an almost forced smile.
"Jane."
"It's fucking scary, okay?"
Though she didn't wish to use the same words as Jane, she understood where she was coming from. She'd never been pregnant before, and despite understanding anatomy and having greater knowledge of pregnancy than the average adult female, becoming pregnant was not something she took lightly. Besides, the last time a baby was a possibility for either of them, Jane had miscarried.
"There's no guarantee that we'll get lucky with our first attempt," Maura said. "It may take a few months."
"So, this is like a practice?"
Maura raised an eyebrow. "I would compare it to married couples just having a lot of unprotected sex without trying to get pregnant. It might work out and I become pregnant, or just as likely, I don't and we have to try again next month."
"Let's give it a shot," Jane said, clapping her hands together. "What have we got to lose?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Do we have everything we need? What else is there? Some sort of turkey baster?"
Maura pressed her lips together and smiled. "I have an unwrapped needless syringe. The turkey baster is not something people use for conception. It might have been that way a long time ago, but I can assure you, medical science has caught up with modern society."
"We thaw the bad boys, I put some of the sample in the syringe and shoot it up your vajayjay, gotcha."
"Would you like to have dinner tonight?" Maura asked. Knowing that Jane was going to be poking about down there was one thing, but she didn't much want that to be a focus for the next twenty-four or so hours.
"Can I drink beer?"
"Why wouldn't you be able to drink beer?"
"You're off the wine."
"I'm off the wine to increase our chances."
"So, I can drink beer? Even better."
x
"To us," Maura said, raising her glass of orange juice.
"To shooting sperm up your lady parts," Jane said, clinking her beer glass against Maura's.
Maura lifted her glass to her mouth and sipped. She watched Jane over it, as she did the same. Everything had happened so fast, and yet it felt like an age since Jane had suggested they have a child together.
"What's the celebration for?"
Jane rolled her eyes. Maura turned to Angela. She stood by the table carrying a couple of empty glasses from the next table over. Maura looked to Jane, who looked back. She was lost for words. Whilst they'd discussed the practicalities of conceiving, they hadn't once discussed when or how they would tell anyone about their plans.
"Celebrating life, Ma," Jane said, lifting her glass up to her mother.
Holding the empty glasses in front of her, Angela clinked them against Jane's. "You both look happy. I love seeing you so happy. What's going on?"
"Nothing's going on," Jane said.
"Maura, is something going on?" Angela asked.
Maura paused. There were a number of things going on. She was drinking orange juice, for one. Angela could be aloof at times, but she was also very observant. Then there was the fact they were planning when Jane would inseminate her. Finally, Silver was something else that was going on that Maura knew she couldn't say anything about.
She pressed her lips together and opened her mouth to answer.
"There's nothing going on, Ma," Jane said, interrupting them. "How about you leave us alone so we can have our drink in peace? I'm sure you and Maura have a chat over cocoa, or whatever it is you two drink late at night."
"Camomile tea," Angela said.
She wandered off back to the bar. Maura frowned. Jane had merely delayed the inevitable conversation she would have with Angela in which she would feel an inability to lie to her.
"You're welcome," Jane said.
"Can you stay over tonight?"
"Sure. Why?"
"Because telling your mother I will drink camomile tea with her tonight will make it harder for me to refrain from telling her about our plans."
"I'm sorry, Maur. At least you don't come out in hives every time you lie anymore," Jane said, reaching her hand across the table. She ran her fingers briefly over the back of Maura's hand, then wrapped it around her beer. "Hey, maybe we could send her on a spa retreat while we try to make a baby. Then she won't accidentally walk in while I'm doing something she will most likely consider unnatural."
"That's a great idea," Maura said. "I'll book somewhere tonight. Can you clear it with Vince so that she can take a couple of days off work?"
"I'll cover the shifts myself if it means having some privacy."
x
If someone had told Jane a year ago that she'd be attempting to impregnate her best friend with a needleless syringe, she'd have laughed in their face. She still didn't quite know why she'd suggested it. Facing Maura's lower half, undressed, and ready for the insemination, was not in her realm of comfortable.
"I'm ready," Maura said, placing her feet up and lying down. She rested a towel over the front of her body.
"I'm not," Jane replied, sitting back on her legs. Despite not being the one undressed, she felt exposed. Like Maura knew that her neatly tended to lady garden was miles ahead of Jane's, often abandoned, one.
She lifted up the sperm sample and swirled it around the container. It had thawed out nicely and there was nothing stopping them from doing this. Except Maura's vagina.
"It's staring at me."
"What is?" Maura lifted her head up and glanced at Jane.
"Your vajayjay."
"I don't know how you expect to do this if you can't even use the medical term for my vagina."
"Well, I'm sorry that this is so weird."
"You could always pretend that you're having sex with Silver."
Jane placed the container back on the table. "Why would I want to do that? We've been on one proper date; we've kissed once. It was nice, but we're mostly just friends."
"Oh, I didn't realise."
"You thought we'd had sex?"
"I didn't know."
"You could have just asked."
"I know how sensitive the whole situation is making you."
"I'm not sensitive, Maura. It's just not a big deal."
"Then discount what I just said." She leaned back down against the couch. "I'm ready, please can you do it quickly?"
"You know the instructions say everything has to be done slowly," Jane said, smirking.
"You know what I mean."
She picked up the container and unscrewed the lid, then screwed it back on again. "Should I try to put it in without the sample? To practice?"
"If you think it would help."
"Okay," Jane said, taking the syringe out of the packet and moving towards Maura's pelvis. "Are you tensed up?"
"A little."
"You need to relax."
"If you'd stop prodding me, then maybe I would feel more relaxed."
"I'm not prodding," she said, accidentally moving the syringe about. She removed it. "Much."
Maura took a long, deep breath then allowed it out slowly. Jane put the syringe back into the packet and reached for Maura's wrist. "It's okay."
"I'm fine," Maura said, though her eyes betrayed her words.
"You're nervous." Jane moved her thumb back and forth across Maura's arm. "I'm sorry if I'm making this harder."
"It's not your fault," Maura said, sitting up. She pulled the towel down over her body and sat on the couch. "I didn't realise how this would feel, being exposed."
"Would it help if we were in a clinic?"
"I don't think that it would. We're about to embark on a major life journey."
"You know how terrified I am," Jane said. She placed a hand on Maura's knee and stood up, sitting beside her on the couch. "We're trying to become parents. I don't think there's anything scarier."
Maura reached out to Jane's hand and cupped it between her own. "Jane."
"Yes, Maura."
"I'm so glad I'm doing this with you. The only other option was to go it alone, and I don't think I could have done that." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to Jane's cheek. "I'm glad that you're by my side."
"If you were anyone else, I wouldn't have even suggested it," Jane said. "Now what can I do to help you relax?"
"There is one method that has been suggested."
"And that is?"
"My reaching orgasm before insemination."
Jane's mouth dropped open, her eyes fixed on Maura's.
"Though I realise that might be pushing our relationship a little too far."
"You think?" Jane closed her mouth and sighed. "Why did you even say that, Maura?"
"I didn't ask you to do it. I merely suggested we consider the option of my orgasm assisting us with getting pregnant."
"Don't you think this is getting a little weird?"
"Yes, I do. But you're the one who insisted we use this method. Do you want to stop?"
"No. No. We'll keep going. But I'm not going to sit here and watch you ride the two finger cowboy."
"They suggest anything but penetration."
"That's beside the point."
"You don't have to do any of this."
"I said I'd do it, so I will."
"Perhaps you could give me some privacy, then when I'm nearly there you can come back in, soak my cervix in sperm, and then leave me to finish off."
"Finish off? No, Maura. I'm not going to interrupt you while you flick the bean. Who even thinks that's a good idea?"
"Well, it's not been peer reviewed, if that's what you're asking. But I have read case studies and it's a method a large number of people have tried."
"Before you get turned on by a syringe, how about I try again with the sample?"
"Okay."
Drawing the syringe back, Jane pushed the air out again. She unscrewed the lid on the sperm sample and placed the end of the syringe into it, swirling it around a little, she drew back the syringe once more and watched the sample disappear into the syringe.
"Are you ready?"
"I'm ready," Maura said, leaning back against the couch and propping her legs up. "Wait, did you tap out the air?"
Jane tapped the edge of the syringe. "Done."
"Okay, I'm ready."
Juggling the printed out document Maura had provided, and the syringe, Jane leaned back down between Maura's legs.
"Is that all right?"
"It feels okay," Maura said. "Remember to do it slowly."
"I know," Jane said, pushing down on the end of the syringe and watching the sample disappear. Once it was empty, she pulled it out again. "How do you feel?"
"I feel fine."
"But do you feel pregnant?"
"Why would I feel pregnant, Jane?" Maura asked. "It's too soon to expect any result."
"I know, I was just joking."
"Now isn't the time for jokes."
"I'm sorry," Jane said, placing a hand on Maura's shoulder. "What can I do while you wait for it to do what it needs to do?"
"I'm in the middle of an article on randomised trials of the introduction of allergenic foods in breast-fed infants. You could read it to me?"
"Allergenic foods? Breast-fed infants? You want me to read you baby stuff when we don't even know if this'll work?" Jane groaned. "Do I have to?"
"Well, no." Maura lifted a pillow from behind her and pressed it together, before placing it behind her back. "You don't. But you did ask."
"Fine," Jane said. "Where is it?"
"My tablet is on the table, it's the New England Journal of Medicine app."
She picked up the tablet and carried it back to the couch where she sat down beside Maura. She was attempting to carry their child, even if Jane couldn't pronounce half of the words in the article, reading it to Maura was the least she could do.
x
"What do we want?" Jane asked. "Chinese or Thai."
"Thai," Maura said, sitting on the couch. She rested her hands against her stomach.
In the three or so hours since they'd finally set the ball rolling, Maura felt numb. The lack of emotion bothered her more than Jane treating her like a china doll ready to break if she did or said the wrong thing.
"Thai it is."
"You can stop," Maura said. "You don't need to fuss. You can go home and watch baseball and drink beer."
"There aren't any games on tonight," Jane said. "I thought I'd stay again, since we have to do it all again tomorrow."
"You don't need to." Maura sighed. She'd expected to feel something more…significant by now. They were taking a massive step in the direction towards parenthood and she didn't feel a thing.
"I'll order the takeout; you can pick us a movie to watch."
x
Long after Maura went into her bedroom, Jane lay awake, watching the shadows move across the room as the occasional car travelled by the house. When she first suggested to Maura that they co-parent, it had been a fleeting idea that she didn't really consider fully. With more time and thought, she'd come to appreciate the idea for what it was.
She could finally be a mother.
A long time ago she'd given up hope of ever having children. Somewhere between joining the homicide division and meeting Hoyt, her dreams for a better world where murderers were put behind bars, had slowly dissipated. She still worked hard to make Boston a safer place to be, but she knew deep down how dangerous it was. For a long while she didn't think bringing a child into her world was a good idea.
Then she got pregnant and no amount of reminding herself of her previous intentions not to become a mother were going to stop her from having that child.
Losing it broke her spirit in ways even Hoyt couldn't match.
Faced with the prospect once more filled her with a giddiness. Her heart was bursting with hope, and desire for everything to work out. She had a good feeling, she just hoped it wouldn't break her again.
x
Maura lay on her back staring up at the bedroom ceiling. It had been twenty-four hours since she'd been inseminated. The sperm would likely be dead, or debilitated. All being well, enough of them would have made it through to make a baby. She felt weird. In that moment she could already be pregnant, but they would be unlikely to know for a couple of weeks.
"How you doing?" Jane asked, placing a mug of tea on the bedside cabinet and lying down beside Maura.
"I was wondering if it's worked."
"But we won't know for a while," Jane said, placing her elbow down on the pillow and resting her had against her balled up fist.
"No," Maura said, turning her head to look at Jane. "But if it's happened, it'll probably have happened by now. There's a chance it could happen in the next couple of days, but the sperm will have lost potency."
Cold fingers reached across her stomach. Maura glanced down as Jane pushed her shirt aside and ran her hand across her skin. She focused her attention on Jane's eyes, enjoyed the pride spread across her face. She wondered if that'd be what they'd both look like if it was a success.
"I hope there's something going on in there," Jane said, sitting up and leaning over Maura's stomach. "You'd better be strong swimmers, if you haven't found your other half yet, swim faster."
Maura smiled. She reached out and gripped Jane's hand. She sat upright, holding onto Jane's fingers. They were doing this together, and it really felt like they'd made a commitment at every stage. She could have gone to a clinic, and have Jane support her when the baby arrived. This was different. Jane was doing everything that felt right for Maura. She retrieved her hand and swiped the back of it across her cheek. She sniffed, in an attempt to force back the impending tears.
"Are you crying?" Jane asked.
She shook her head. More tears forced their way down her cheeks. She nodded. "I'm happy. It may not work and I'll be disappointed. But in nine months we could be parents."
"Me, a mother," Jane said, scoffing.
Maura leaned forward and pulled both of Jane's hands into her lap, tied up in her own. "No, don't do that."
"Don't do what?"
"Don't put yourself down," Maura said. "I've seen how you are with children. You were amazing when TJ was born. We may not see eye to eye on whether our child should go to public or private school, and we may disagree on what constitutes contact sports. But one thing I know to be true is that you will love this baby with all of your big heart."
"Aww shucks," Jane said, brushing her cheeks. "Now you're gonna make me cry."
"It means the world to me that you want to do this with me," Maura said, leaning forward and wrapping her arms tightly around Jane's shoulders.
A moment later, Jane lifted her arms around Maura's back. She relaxed in her embrace. Comfortable, at home. They may not be in a relationship, but if a baby had been conceived, it was conceived surrounded by love and that made Maura happier than she could put into words.
"I love you, Jane," she said, sitting back. She cupped Jane's cheek with one hand and trailed her fingers down her face.
"I love you too," Jane said, their fingers still interlocked between them.
Author Notes: Thanks for reading. Your continued support of this story means a lot. Comments welcome, but so are cookies.