Chapter 48: Ropes and the English Language
What do you mean late Thursday night isn't the middle of the week, it totally is. Well I think it is. Shut up.
So, I'm pretty happy with how this chapter turned out, considering I wrote a third of this while running on coffee fumes. XD The only problem I have is how many times the Xiaolin monks keep getting lassoed and captured throughout this entire episode. I mean, it's canon, but seriously?
Also, I just realized that I haven't been using any new Shen Gong Wu readers have thought up. I was originally going to use some of them, but then I got a bunch of new ideas for the plot and using them just didn't seem appropriate. Like, I had every intention of bringing these new Wu into the story, but they fell through. And it doesn't help that most of the people who offered up Wu haven't said anything about the lack of them in chapters- I'm forgetful, you know. So, I'm sorry if I promised to use your Wu in the story, but it's not going to happen.
P.S., Scooby stack is a TV Tropes term. Look it up sometime! :3
Anyway, on with the chapter!
The hallways were empty, surprisingly enough. Or perhaps not, considering the extensive network of the mine would have been too much for a small gang of biker girls to guard all that well.
Standing on top of Kimiko in their Scooby stack, Valerie peered down the hallway with the rest of her friends. "I see we have a clear coast," Omi declared as they disbanded the stack.
"Dojo, where's the rest of our Shen Gong Wu?" Raimundo asked, genuinely concerned. Dojo, however, was not.
"Don't worry, they're safe," he reassured them, adding in a lazy wave of his hand. "They're-!" And then his head started shaking.
"Uh, Dojo?" Omi raised an eyebrow as the lizard shook himself back to normal.
"SHEN GONG WU!" He sped down the hallway.
"That's what I'm asking," Raimundo griped. "Where'd you stash 'em?"
"No, not those Shen Gong Wu!" Dojo told them. "The Wu we came here to find!" He got out the Ancient Scroll from… literally thin air (seriously, what the hell?) and opened it, revealing the swirling blue picture and a lantern. "The Sphere of Yun: it creates an invisible, impenetrable prison around one's enemy. It's also good when traveling in bad neighborhoods," he added as an afterthought.
"Speaking of bad neighborhoods," Raimundo pointed out anxiously. At that point they had followed Dojo down the hallway and had ended up at a crossroads. Doors leading further into the mine surrounded them, though the one that led to the Shen Gong Wu remained to be seen.
"Maybe we should keep moving," Valerie said, quickly falling in step behind the reptile.
The hallway they chose was decrepit, air stale and with the roof steadily falling apart. Clay's lantern was the only thing slicing through the darkness. Valerie had brought the Culver Crystal, the Wu that could create a sphere of light, with her just in case- the Wu hadn't really seen action since she had first won it. It probably never would, to be honest, not when the modern age already provided numerous light sources.
"The Wu scent is strong," Dojo noted, sniffing the air. And then he sniffed his armpit. "Or something," he added disgustedly. "All I know is that it's right over here!" At that point, not even Clay's lantern could cut through the darkness, so it didn't come to any surprise that Dojo slammed face first into a dead end.
As cracks spread across the rock, Clay gave a concerned, "You okay?" to him. The cracks rapidly spread, and then the wall shattered, crumbling to the ground and sending up plumes of dust. Valerie quickly waved some away from her mouth and stared into the room Dojo had accidentally revealed.
It was a cavern of sorts, boulders creating a dragon scale pattern across the walls. A single beam of light hit the middle of the floor, revealing a thin pedestal with an orb on it. Or the Sphere of Yun, Valerie was happy to note. With a grin that matched her friends, she walked up to the Sphere, her friends trailing near her.
"The Shen Gong Wu is ours!" Omi cheered, right before a familiar obnoxious voice cut through the gloom.
"Think again, short stack!" Jesse Bailey crowed as lassos captured the Xiaolin Dragons yet again. Someone had their hand clamped around Dojo's neck, only to then stuff him into a burlap sack.
As Valerie struggled against her bindings, the biker girl behind her tightening them, Jesse walked into the cavern with smoke dramatically billowing out behind her. She gave a triumphant laugh once she took a look at her captured brother and his friends.
"Well I'll be a day old biscuit," Clay snarled. "You let us lead you right to it!"
Jesse stalked up to her brother and got all up in his face. "Maybe you aren't as slow as dripping tar after all," she taunted him. "But you're still thicker than a cut of Texas prime rib!"
"Well, at least I ain't as slippery as goat drool on an oil slick!" And with that, Clay easily threw off his rope bindings.
Undeterred, Jesse shot back, "Yeah, well, I'm not the one yellower than a slice of Auntie Clary-Bell's lemon silk custard pie!"
"WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP ABUSING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?!" Kimiko shouted at the two of them, easily echoing what the four non-Texans were thinking about.
"Seriously, I'm technically the English major here, and I can't follow a word you guys are saying," Valerie griped.
"But, the pie does sound most delicious," Omi said sheepishly.
Apparently, the Bailey siblings had ignored them, for steam started to puff out of Clay's ears. And then Jesse drawled out in a low and dangerous tone, "I got me a better idea." She walked up to her brother, who was being held back by three of the Black Vipers. "I know enough about these Shen Gong Warts-"
"Wu," Omi interjected.
"-that if we grab this here deal-" she gestured to the Sphere of Yun "-then you have to fight me, big brother." The Vipers pushed the cowboy towards the pedestal. Jesse merely glared up at him and said, "So, Clay, ready to be a man and lose to a giiiiiiirl?"
Whatever nasty thing Clay was going to say was lost as the earth rumbled around them. Debris fell from the ceiling, and suddenly a familiar oversized drill fell into the cavern. Inside the driver seat was a familiar evil boy wearing all black, wearing a helmet that said, 'Boy Genius' in misspelled Sharpie.
"Jack Spicer!" Omi spat out. The others merely glared and tried to get out of their lassos.
Jack stood up proudly and declared, "That's right, Jack Spicer! Evil boy genius is in the house!" just as robot minions descended from the hole in the ceiling.
The Black Vipers suddenly withdrew the rope bindings around their prisoners and threw them at some Jack-bots. One of them lassoed a robot and swung it towards two others, destroying all three easily. A second swung from wooden rafters and settled herself on the shoulders of a Jack-bot, maneuvering it into a wall right before swinging herself to safety. Jesse's lieutenant merely captured two and swung them to the ground, easily destroying both.
"Silk Spitter!" Jack cried, and a giant web was shot at the girls, glomming onto the ropes and taking away their choice of weapon. Another web plucked the Golden Tiger Claws from Jesse's hand. "Jack-bots, attack!" the boy genius ordered.
Jack-bots surrounded the Xiaolin warriors, all five of whom were prepped for battle… only for the immense horde to close in on them, from the sides and even the top. Valerie could feel a robot handcuff her hands behind her back, and all she could do was say a bleak, "Really?"
As the Jack-bots spread themselves out behind the Dragons, other robots handcuffed the Black Vipers. All watched as Jack Spicer took the Sphere off the pedestal. "Whoa," he said, staring at the Wu in awe. "That's it. I did it!"
Wuya gave a gasp of delighted shock. "I can't believe it! For once you are actually the victor!"
He held up the Sphere of Yun. "It's about time!" he stated triumphantly. And then he clutched the Sphere to his chest and his grin turned downwards. "I almost forgot what this feels like." And then his grin returned brighter than before. "Which, by the way, is sweet!"
His audience just glared angrily at him.
And then Jack turned to Wuya and asked, "Say, who are all these people?"
Jesse, the only one not caught in the fray, walked up to the plate. "We're the Black Vipers, the most elite all-girl gang to ever roam these wild plains!" She then strolled over to stand by her comrades.
The lieutenant continued on. "And since you have defeated us, our law demands you inherit our leadership of…" they all kneeled down for dramatic effect, "the Black Vipers."
Jack stood up proud, hands on his waist. "Yes! I guess this makes me queen!"
"Huh?" went the captive audience.
"I think you mean king, dude," Valerie pointed out. "Unless you identify as female, then by all means, be a queen," she added, shrugging her shoulders.
"Which I do. Identify as male, I mean," Jack hurriedly agreed. "I am king of the Black Vipers. Yes." He put his hands back on his hips and averted his gaze, trying to retain his dignity.
The audience just stared at him.
"Anyway, sweet," Jack said, his triumphant smirk back in full force.
A few minutes later, the Xiaolin monks were hanging in the air, hands above their heads and being clutched by individual Jack-bots. The Black Vipers, Jack's new crew, were allowed to roam free.
"So let me get this straight," Jack thought out loud, a finger on his chin. "Xiaolin Dragons, defeated. Shen Gong Wu, mine. Outlaw cow chicks, bonus." He turned to Wuya. "Between my Jack-bots and the Black Vipers, there's no way I can lose!"
"Yes, it would seem that way," the ghost witch dismissed.
He then proceeded to do a silly cowboy dance. "Yee-haw! This calls for a hoedown victory dance!" Wuya face palmed.
And then Jack danced around Jesse, putting his elbow into hers and spinning around as if in a square dance. "Well aren't you a pretty little thing!" he told her pleasantly. "You got a name?"
"Is a cow pen full of sod?" she asked rhetorically.
Jack stopped dancing and put a finger on his chin, an impressed look on his face. "I like that. Though disrespectful, it smacks of a deep-seated inner evil."
Jesse pointed a finger at him. "Keep it up, slick, and I'll be introducing your butt to my boot." She held up her foot for emphasis.
"Yet another girl falls prey to the irresistible charms of Jack Spicer," Kimiko remarked, her tone of voice impossibly sardonic.
"But he-!" Omi started.
"Sarcasm," Raimundo cut him off.
"Oh."
Jesse then crept up to them and gave a low groan. "This Spicer fella of yours is about as appealin' as a-"
"Pillowcase full of pole cats?" Kimiko laughed at her own joke.
Jesse laughed along with her, amazingly enough. "And what's with his girly eyeliner?"
Valerie couldn't help but chuckle at that. "I can count on one hand how many guys can pull it off, and Jack will never be one of them." All three girls giggled at that.
"Hey!" They all stopped and looked at Jack. "I'm still in the room over here!"
"I don't give a fuck!" Valerie shouted at him.
"Why don't you take your hairdo-!" Jesse began, but then Clay joined in with her for the rest of the sentence, "-and jump right into Old Man Hickory's lake!" Both siblings then stared at each other, surprised smiles on their faces.
"I can't believe it!" Clay gasped. "We actually do have something in common! We both can't stomach Spicer!"
"What am I, invisible?!"
"Oh shut up, Jack," Valerie told him, rolling her eyes. "You're bringing a family together, just suck it up."
Wuya suddenly floated around the younger Bailey. "Come, join us Jesse," she crowed, "and find out what real evil power is like!" Jesse faltered, actually thinking about the proposition. She then took a look at the faces of the Xiaolin monks, her gaze resting on her older brother.
Clay glared down at her. "Well, this would be a new low, even for you."
Jesse actually looked hurt for a moment, before anger settled deep over her features. Fists shaking, she turned to Wuya. "Ma'am, you've got yerself a deal. Put it there!" Her hands phased through Wuya's.
As Jack cheered in the background, Wuya smirked at the monks. "Excellent!"
"This is most discouraging," Omi said despondently.
Still laughing, Jack held up the Golden Tiger Claws. "I say we send these losers where they can't cause any trouble."
Wuya laughed derisively. "Like a few thousand feet below the Earth's crust?"
"No!" Jesse declared.
Question marks blipped around Jack's head. "Loyalty issues?"
Jesse stalked over to him and grabbed the Claws. "No, I just want the fun of burying the Golden Boy myself." Putting it on, she cried out, "Golden Tiger Claws!" and slashed at the air. A gray rip in reality formed, and all five Jack-bots holding a monk rushed towards it. Valerie closed her eyes and gritted her teeth when the robot let go. Curling her body into a ball, she floated in space-time, awaiting her death below the ground.
A few thousand feet below
Valerie stretched out on the ground, her braid bending over the curve of her body. Her arms and legs were splayed out like a starfish, and she stared at the ceiling apathetically. Water dripped down from stalactites somewhere, adding to the dreary din of the cavern.
She could hear Dojo lifting up Clay's hat, where he had been hiding all this time. He gave a weak chuckle. "Cozy," he remarked, eyeing the prison.
"Oh, this is my fault," Clay said miserably. "If I'd just fought Jesse when I had the chance, none of this would've happened." He put a hand over his face in shame.
"Hey, but then we'd miss our chance to suffocate in a hole together," Raimundo said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I will never again be so foolish as to believe her!" Omi declared. And then a rip in reality formed right behind him, and Jesse popped her head in. Valerie jumped up off the floor and readied for battle.
"Come on!" she said, waving her Claw-covered hand. "This here's a jail break!"
Omi jumped and pumped his fists. "I knew I could believe you! You've come to the side of goodness!" He gave her a big hug.
Jesse smiled indulgently. "Well, let's say I had to pretend I was with 'em so they'd trust me."
Clay stood up and crossed his arms. "Sorry, but a raccoon don't change its stripes just by crossin' a dirt road."
"Yeah, why are you helping us?" Kimiko asked, hands on her hips. "I thought you hated your brother."
"Well, I do, but he's still kin," Jesse said pointedly. "Besides, that Jack Spicer creep gives me the prairie scaries!" She wiggled her fingers for emphasis.
"I hear that, girl," Kimiko agreed.
Clay rubbed at his chin. "I don't know, I got a bad feeling about this."
"So do I, but our only other option is to stay here and suffocate to death," Valerie told him bluntly. "If it's a trap, we'll deal with it then."
"Or she could be telling the truth," Omi pointed out. "I am never wrong about these things!"
Clay hemmed and hawed for a second, before finally saying, "Fine, let's just get the rest of our Wu and get out of here!"
"If Wuya hasn't already found the stash," Raimundo reminded them grimly.
Dojo gave a flippant wave of his hand. "No chance! I hid them so good, I might not be able to find them!" He frowned. "That came out wrong."
Back on the desert plain
"Ow!" Dojo cried out as he picked at a bush of cacti.
"Very clever, using the Changing Chopsticks to shrink down our Wu and hide them in the cactus," Omi congratulated the reptile.
"Yeah, but-OW!" he screamed as a particularly large thorn embedded itself into his arm. "Getting them back is painful!" He picked out the thorn and rubbed at his sore arm, his eyes misting over. Omi then reached over with the Changing Chopsticks. Glaring, Dojo snatched them out of his hand and cried out the incantation. The cacti immediately exploded, bits and pieces flying everywhere. What remained was the stash of Shen Gong Wu.
And then lassoes once again tied themselves around the Xiaolin monks, and they were dragged to the ground as captives. "Okay, seriously?" Valerie griped. "I am so done with all this biker gang bullshit!"
Jack then descended from the sky, the poles receding into his helipack once his feet were safely on the ground. "Ah, the simplest traps always bring the greatest pleasure," he remarked, spreading out his hands and beaming.
Clay struggled against his bonds and turned to his little sister. "Jesse, I trusted you!" he cried out, heartbroken. "Why?"
Jesse smirked. "I made a little deal with Jack here to regain leadership over my Vipers." She walked over to her lieutenant, who handed her a burlap sack.
"Nice to have you back, boss," the redhead said as both girls high-fived each other.
Jesse turned towards the stash. "All I had to do was get you to lead him to your Warts."
"Wu!" Valerie snapped at her. "Shen Gong Wu! Get it right for once in your goddamn life!"
Omi sighed deeply. "This is the most disappointing event turning since the last."
"Is it possible you're going for 'turn of events'?" Raimundo had to ask.
"Oh, it gets better," Jesse crowed, a maniacal gleam in her eyes. As the monks had talked, she had scooped up the Wu into the sack, and now she was taking it over to Jack, who was staring expectantly at it. "Not only am I taking my gang back, but I'm taking your Warts too!" She walked away from him, leaving him with his jaw on the ground.
"They're my Warts!" Jack shouted after her, jerking his thumb at himself.
"No, you can't!" Wuya cried, spreading her ghostly arms out.
"I tried to warn y'all," Clay spat. "Once a varmint, always a varmint."
Valerie couldn't see the look on Jesse's face, but she could tell that it wasn't good. But she couldn't delve into her thoughts, because an angry and betrayed Jack suddenly shouted, "Jack-bots, attack!"
…But instead of attacking, they all fizzled in midair and crashed to the ground, exploding and setting fire to the desert sand.
"You're kidding me!" Jack wailed. The lieutenant chose that moment to walk over to him with a wrench.
"We work on our bikes all day, son," she sneered at him. "You think we can't sabotage some tin cans when you're not lookin'?"
With a frustrated growl, Jack declared, "Man, I am never coming back to Texas!" Activating his helipack and extending his poles, he flew into the air with Wuya in tow.
As he flew away, Jesse held up a triumphant fist. "That's right, slick. Don't mess with Texas! Woo-hoo!"
Valerie then saw Clay snap apart his lasso and make a break for the sack of Wu. Jesse glared at him and, at the same time, grabbed the burlap cloth along with her older brother.
"Oh, looks like if you want your Warts, you and me are gonna have a Xiaolin Showdown," Jesse drawled, glaring right into Clay's eyes.
Standing straight up, Clay declared, "I accept. Your Silk Spitter against my Changing Chopsticks."
"The game is Demolition Viper Bike Derby," Jesse announced. She pointed to the horizon, where the orange sun was slowly setting in. "First to make it out in one piece wins."
"Let's just get this over with!" Clay snapped, completely fed up. "LET'S GO: XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN!" A tumbleweed blew past just before a giant strip of the earth seemed to peel back, curling into a spiral. White light washed over the desert, and the earth continued to change, strips of it shooting skyward into the air, acting as spiraling roller coaster tracks.
Another flash of white light, and the two combatants found themselves on genuine Black Viper motorbikes, already rolling down an earthen racetrack. The only difference between these and the modern version was that they looked more like chariots, using red rope to steer instead of a wheel.
"GONG YE TAN PAI!" Both siblings shouted, right before the track ended and they soared through the air. Both landed heavily on the next track, quickly regaining control of their vehicles as they swerved wayward.
Standing on giant earthen pedestals, the Xiaolin monks faced the Black Vipers on the other side of the track. Both teams cheered loudly for their respective combatant, the all-girl gang nearly drowning out the monks, since they had more members.
"The only thing better than riding-" Jesse sneered as the two of them soared again into the air- "is flying!" she finished once they hit dirt again. Suddenly the two of them entered a tunnel of sorts, were they could only squeeze into one at a time since it was just so tiny. Jesse then turned around and shouted, "Silk Spitter!" leaving an enormous cobweb as she exited the tunnel.
Clay gasped in surprise, before his eyes narrowed. "Changing Chopsticks!" he shouted, shrinking himself and his motorized chariot into the size of a grain of rice. The momentum carried Clay through the gaps in the web (somehow. Valerie had deduced long ago that scientific laws didn't apply to magic duels).
"Uh, where did Clay go?" Kimiko asked when the newly shrunken cowboy didn't make a reappearance. Valerie blinked and squinted her eyes, but her eyesight was nowhere near strong enough to see where he went. Wherever he was, he was distracting his sister from the road.
Suddenly Clay reappeared on the track just as Jesse drove off a cliff. As she fell through the air, she cried out her brother's name, showing fear for the first time that day.
"Jesse!" Clay cried out. He immediately reversed track and sped down the spirals, gunning the engine to make it to the end before her. Jesse tumbling in the air, screaming, having long since let go of her chariot. The Showdown would end before Jesse plummeted to her death, inevitably saving her, but Valerie knew that the sensation of falling, of plunging to the ground without any support would have to be terrifying for just about anyone.
Suddenly, a lasso appeared around Jesse's midsection, and with a tug she was pulled towards Clay. "Hop on!" he ordered as she neared him.
…Only for Jesse to literally kick him out of the seat and take the chariot for herself. "Don't mind if I do," she sneered as she drove towards the finish line.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Valerie screeched, grabbing at her head (she would have grabbed at her hair, but that was being covered by dark blue cloth). Her friends gave similar cries of despair, though only Rai had the gumption to mutter, "Puta," under his breath.
But there was nothing to be done. Clay tumbled in a circle behind his sister, shouting out in pain as Jesse jeered, "In your face, big bro!" And then she just drove past the finish line and the Showdown ended.
As the racetrack receded back into the ground, the other monks ran towards Clay, who was already standing up and stoically glaring at the finish line. "That was not a very honorable way to win," Omi pointed out, giving a troubled look at the cowboy.
And then they all heard whoops of victory and the sound of engines being gunned to life. All five of them leaped out of the way as the rest of the Black Vipers sped past, eager to join their leader in a race across the sand.
Once they had all jumped back- and with their everyday clothes in place instead of their battle outfits- Kimiko asked in a concerned tone, "Are you okay?"
Rubbing at his backside, Clay muttered, "Just my pride. And maybe where I sit," he added. He heaved a great sigh and stared at the receding blurs that were the Black Vipers. "Worst part is, I really thought she had changed."
"Hey, like you said, once a varmint, always a varmint," Valerie told him. She put a hand on his arm, too short to reach up to grab his shoulder. "I mean, you should still try to give family a chance, but sometimes they don't deserve it."
Omi patted at his other arm. "I think you are too trusting at times," he said solemnly.
A little over a week later
Valerie sighed and gripped at the plate in her hands. Clay had been unresponsive since his fight with his sister, which honestly had been expected. Dealing with family issues was exhausting by itself, but when a family member betrays your trust? That had to be a low blow. Everyone else had been giving Clay some much needed space, and Valerie would have continued to do so, except that there had been no marked improvement in Clay's behavior since then.
Knowing full well how badly family can treat one another, Valerie had taken the last of the tarte Tatin from the fridge and walked over to the dorms, trying to think up ways to comfort her friend. She'd never really done this before, so every attempt at trying to find words to soothe his worries fell flat in her mind.
Sorry your sister's a bitch. No.
Sorry your family has issues. True, but Valerie didn't think bluntness was needed right now.
She sighed again and steeled herself. Knocking against the side of his door, she watched as Clay looked up from his picture frame to stare up at her. The heartbroken look on his face only made Valerie's resolve stronger.
"I know you don't really want to talk to anyone right now, but I think you need some comfort food." She walked over to him, holding out the tart. He took the plate and eyed it. "It's called tarte Tatin. It's kind of like apple pie, but in a tart form."
The ends of his lips turned up slightly. "Because nothing's more American than apple pie, right?"
Valerie blinked. "Is that how the saying goes?"
"You mean you never looked it up on all those Wikipedia pages you regularly surf?" he asked half-heartedly. It was a pretty lame attempt at a joke, but the fact that he made it meant he was going to be better, slowly but surely.
As Valerie punched him in the shoulder, a small smile on her face, a familiar cough interrupted them. It was Master Fung, looking as serious as usual, holding up a large package with a graphic of the state of Texas printed on it, the state flag in the middle of it.
"A package for me?" Clay asked, bewildered.
A few minutes later, all five monks plus the master were in the hallway, eyeing the package. As Clay opened it, Omi asked, "Who is it from?"
Clay reached into the box and picked out a letter with a cartoon snake on it. As Clay began to read, the others peered into the box and grinned.
"Christmas came early this year," Valerie said wryly as she picked up the Silk Spitter. The others held Wu as well: Rai the Sword of the Storm, Kim the Fist of Tebigong, and Omi the Orb of Tornami. Valerie took a look over at Clay in time to see him beam at them.
"You see?" Omi said just as happily. "I knew she had changed her ways."
"We're missing one Wu," Kimiko said, peering down the box.
"Oh, Jesse said she's borrowing one," Clay spoke up, still grinning.
"Which one was it?" Raimundo asked curiously.
"Oh, I have a pretty good idea," the cowboy said mysteriously.
Puta= Brazilian Portuguese for 'bitch.' In Spanish, it means 'whore.'
So, thoughts anyone?