Author Notes: I'm back! Finally! I had two weeks off the grid (one with hardly any internet, and I got sick) and because of that I had the inevitable delay in getting back into writing. Still not sure I'm entirely back into motivation, but I'm trying to get back there. Hopefully the gap between updates won't be too big. All I know is in July I'm going to work on a different fic and try and get a first draft of the story completed - I'm going to work that one differently. I'm going to hone it until I'm happy with as much of it as possible. But for now I need to continue my other fics and get as much of those done this month as possible...
Soft curls the colour of straw hung down around his temple, piercing blue eyes stared deeply into Maura's. She felt the tugging at the corner of her lips, and submitted to the smile that crept across her face. He slid his hand over the table and cupped Maura's fingers, gripping them tightly. She squeezed back.
"I'm so glad you agreed to dinner," he said, lifting a glass of wine to his mouth.
He paused, the glass rested against his bottom lip, his mouth opened to show off a perfect set of white teeth, before he tipped his head back. He lowered his glass again. His tongue ran across his bottom lip, as he continued to stare into her eyes.
"You have asked me a few times," Maura said. "I thought I should give you a chance."
"You made the right decision."
"Modest too," she said, smiling.
A soft chuckle filled the air. Unfamiliar to her ears. "We've spent a lot of time together. We run in the same social circles. It's about time we made our contact more…official."
"Official?"
"You know what I mean." He paused. "We're cut from the same cloth. My charitable fund is grateful for every donation, but no more so than yours. You're by far our most generous donor."
"So, I've bought your affections?"
"Something like that." He squeezed her hand tighter. "There's something about you that intrigues me; that I don't think I could ever find out at charity balls or official luncheons."
"It is refreshing to see you outside of the usual circles," she said.
"What better way to get to know someone than via fine dining and an expensive bottle of chardonnay? I was very surprised you turned down a glass, considering the vintage."
Maura lowered her gaze. She couldn't take the risk. She wouldn't. Having a child had become too important to her. Despite her need to become a mother, for the briefest moment, she hoped it wouldn't work. To deny the attraction with Chad would be good for nobody. She reclaimed her breath, taking it in slowly, before allowing it out at an even pace. She'd known Chad for a long time. She'd denied his request for a date on countless occasions. Sitting in front of him, discussing life in a way they'd never done before, she didn't really know why.
"You've always liked a good bottle," she said, looking back into his captivating gaze.
"I live hard. I play hard. I love hard."
"Love?"
"Don't worry," he said, chuckling. "I'm not about profess my undying love for you. Though you're certainly someone I am very fond of."
"I never did ask you what happened to Mariana?"
He stared down at his glass, then looked back up at her. "She broke my heart. She left me."
"Why?" Maura paused. "I'm sorry. That's none of my business."
He smiled. "It's okay. She wanted children, our own children, and I can't give her them. A bout of cancer in my teenage years saw to that."
"Oh."
An unexpected disappointment filled her. It didn't make any sense. She was already in the throes of trying to get pregnant. It shouldn't matter that the man she'd gone on a date with couldn't have children. But she still felt it.
Somewhere in the back of her mind nothing made sense anymore. She'd become caught up in a whirlwind of excitement, of fear, of hope, and desire for something she'd almost lost hope for. Having a child had become the one thing she thought about each and every day. But now everything was confusing. Chad was a wonderful man, and if she'd allowed herself a little more time, maybe she could have the life she wanted.
Only now she could be pregnant.
Where did that leave the possible relationship with a kind hearted man? Where did that leave her friendship with Jane? Where did that leave everything?
Of course, she might not be pregnant.
But then what? Did she back out of their agreement for a man who couldn't give her what she wanted? Or could they find another way of having the family she longed for? What if she spent the next few years hoping for a family with Chad only to be left in the exact same position as now but older and even less able to conceive naturally?
Then there was Silver. Jane was making strides in her own life. Maybe they were drifting too far away from each other, away from the decision that they'd made.
Maura let out a breath, unaware of how long she'd held it in for. She retrieved her hand from Chad and reached for her glass of non-alcoholic wine.
"There's a possibility that I may be pregnant."
A crease formed between his eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"
"I have attempted to become pregnant, using sperm donation. I am planning to co-parent with a friend. I am awaiting a suitable opportunity to do a test. I could be pregnant. There's also the possibility that I'm not, but I thought you should be aware."
He leaned back in his seat, a little taller, his eyes narrowed in her direction. "Why did you accept my invitation to dinner?"
"You've asked me so many times," she said. "I didn't realise how much I crave the company of a partner. At the Craft Family Foundation luncheon last week, I saw you differently."
"But you're trying to have a family."
"I know."
He tossed his napkin onto his plate and stood up. "I think this date is over."
"Chad." She stood up beside him. "Please don't go."
"I don't know what you were hoping to achieve tonight, Maura," he said. "But I can assure you, I do not want any part in your arrangement."
x
The door opened. Maura waited for a moment, her eyes fixed on Jane's. She glanced down at the football jersey that covered her upper body, stopping mid-thigh; bare skin exposed. A small crease formed between her eyebrows. Jane's eyes bugged.
"Maura, what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you," she said. She swallowed a lump in her throat.
"Come in," Jane said, stepping to one side. "I'll go get dressed."
Maura stepped into the apartment. She hovered in the doorway as Jane headed for the bedroom. Before she reached the door, Silver exited the room wearing little more than her panties. She squealed and jumped back into the bedroom. Jane mouthed an apology and followed her.
Sitting down on the couch, Maura felt tears prick at her eyelids. She didn't know why she felt so fragile. She should have been happy that Jane had taken a step further in her new relationship. Deep down she was happy, but on the surface she wanted to run out of the door and never look back.
"I'm so sorry about that," Silver said, exiting the bedroom fully clothed a few minutes later.
Maura forged a smile. "It's fine."
"I didn't realise there was anyone at the door."
"It's fine," Maura repeated, a strain evident in her voice.
"I was about to go anyway."
"You don't have to leave on my account."
"Really, it's okay," Silver said, picking up her bag.
"Sorry, Maura," Jane said, exiting the bedroom in a pair of sweatpants and the jersey. She wrapped an arm around Silver's shoulder and closed the gap, pressing her lips to Silver's. "I'll see you tomorrow."
In the distraction, Maura pressed her fingers to the edge of her eyelids and brushed a couple of impending tears aside. Once the apartment door had closed behind Silver, she sat upright, forging another smile.
"What's going on?" Jane asked. "I thought you were on a date."
"I was."
"How was it?"
"It was fine," she said. "Until I told him I could be pregnant."
"Why did you tell him that?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
Jane shrugged. "We don't know anything for sure."
"Does Silver know?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"I just thought you might have told her."
"Well, I haven't. There's nothing to tell."
"But you've slept together."
"Once…well, three times, but all in the same night."
Maura cleared her throat. She felt uncomfortable. Honesty had always been important to her, and though she knew it wasn't really her place to lecture Jane on being honest with Silver, it still bothered her.
"You didn't come over here to ask me how much Silver knows," Jane said.
"No, I didn't."
"So, what's going on?" Jane asked, perching on the arm of the couch.
What's going on? Maura didn't have an answer to that. She felt emotional, and angry, and disappointed, and frustrated and she didn't really know why. She hoped the only explanation she could think of was accurate, but she didn't dare to put too much onus on the possibility that she could be pregnant. There was an equally high chance that she was entering the start of her menstrual cycle.
"Do you want to be with Silver? As in, for the rest of your life."
Jane rolled her eyes. "I don't know, Maura. We're barely together. I don't know if I want to be with her for the next few months, let alone the rest of my life. Why?"
"No reason."
"Err, yeah. There is a reason, or else you wouldn't be asking it."
"Tonight I thought I met a man who I could have a future with."
"On a first date?"
"I've known Chad for several years. He's very charming, and generous, and I have refused his invitations on multiple occasions. Had he been open to our arrangement, maybe it could have worked out."
"You might not be pregnant," Jane said. "You could still have that future with him, if you wanted it."
"I don't know if that's possible."
Jane placed her hand on Maura's thigh and leaned over. "You look sad, Maura. What's wrong?"
The physical contact, and Jane staring into her eyes, made Maura crack. Tears skirted the edge of her eyes and trailed down across her cheekbones. She brushed them away, her hands shaking over her face. Jane slid her arm around Maura's shoulders and pulled her close against her. She pressed her face against her shoulder.
After a moment, Maura pulled away, Jane's arm still draped across her back. "What if we've made a terrible mistake? What if I'm pregnant and we both want a future with other people? What if we jumped too quickly?"
"Maura," Jane said, her shoulders sunk. She moved her other hand to her upper arm. "Whatever happens, I don't think we've made a mistake. Even if me and Silver get married and want kids of our own, so what? That doesn't change the fact I will love our baby, or that I'll love you for bringing them into the world."
"We were supposed to live together, we were supposed to create a life for our child."
"We can still do that."
"You, me, and Silver?"
"Or you, your husband, and me."
"But our arrangement."
"Fuck our arrangement, Maura," Jane said. "Our kid will be loved. Our kid will have everything he or she needs. We don't even need to live together to give them that. They won't know any different. If we both find a partner, does it matter? Plenty of families share custody. It's not like we're divorced parents, we can spend Christmas and Thanksgiving together. We can make it work."
"Do you think so?"
"I do." Jane wrapped her hands around Maura's and held it tightly on her lap. She smiled and leaned closer, resting her forehead to Maura's. "I know we can. We can do anything because we want this badly enough. Our kid is going to have a good life, wherever we live, whatever custody arrangement we end up with. They're not going to lose out if we meet someone. If anything, they get extra parents, which makes them lucky."
"I'm sorry," Maura whispered. "I think my date with Chad threw me a wide ball."
"Curve ball."
"Curve ball?"
"Baseball, Maur."
"Oh." She brushed the remaining tear strands from her cheeks. "I think we need to take a test. It's time."
x
Jane tapped her foot against the tiled flooring. The edge of the bathtub dug into her thighs where she sat atop it. She didn't want to move yet. Her fingers ached from gripping the bath so tightly. Her mind buzzed with possibility and fear. They had three tests. But they both knew that the first would likely give them the answer they were looking for.
"How long now?" Jane asked, tapping her foot faster against the floor.
Maura folded her arms across her chest and turned back toward Jane. She lifted her wrist up. "Thirty seconds."
"Can't you check now?"
"Twenty seconds," Maura said.
"Seriously," Jane stood up and reached for the test, but Maura snatched it away and held it behind her back until the seconds passed by.
"I don't want to leave anything to chance. They say it needs to be three minutes, we wait three minutes."
A moment later, she held the test out in front of her. Jane watched her eyes for any sign of emotion. The blank canvas in front of her troubled her. She'd expected tears, whether they were of sadness or joy. But no emotion at all?
Jane stood up. "What is it?"
Pushing the test into Jane's hand, Maura walked out of the bathroom. She stood for a moment, her hand wrapped around the stick, holding it against her chest. She closed her eyes. She didn't need to look to know that the test would be negative. They could try again, but they both knew that it was probably accurate.
She looked at the test, just to be sure. Her shoulders sunk. Jane placed it back down on the counter and headed out of the bathroom. On her way down the hallway, the front door of the house closed. She stopped, closed her eyes, and tried to find an even, steady breath.
Disappointment filled her up right to the very top. Not just that there was no baby, but that Maura had walked out of the house without saying a word. She leaned back against the wall for a moment. Deep down she was glad that Maura had gone. She didn't think she could handle her own feelings, and Maura's on top of it. She pushed her balled up fists against her eyes, pushing back the desire to cry as she put pressure on her face. She would not let this get to her, she would not let it defeat her.
They knew it probably wouldn't work the first time anyway. She shouldn't be disappointed when they knew this would be the likely outcome. It didn't mean it was over, far from it. They had plenty of time to try again, to try several times. They didn't need to let this get them down.
But even though, logically, she knew this to be true. It still hurt to know that they were not expecting a baby.
x
Case file in hand, Jane entered Maura's office. The events of the morning were still fresh in mind. Jane didn't quite know the best way to deal with the inevitable frustration that Maura was probably feeling. Instead, she opted to take her lead. She placed the case file on the desk.
"We need to know what's happening with O'Brien's body. Is it ours or are the FBI gonna take it?"
Silence. Maura stared at her laptop screen. Narrowing her eyes, Jane perched on the edge of one of the chairs opposite Maura's desk.
"Do we need to hand the case notes over too, or can we continue to investigate?"
Still nothing.
"Maybe we can peel a bunch of bananas and shove them into the body bag so that when the ME at the FBI comes to open up the body they have to clean off old, rotting fruit before they can start."
The way Maura continued to stare at the screen only sought to worry Jane further. She stood up.
"Come on, Maura," she shouted, banging her fist down on the desk in front of her.
Maura jumped, her head shot up to Jane. "Oh, hi, Jane."
"Did you really not have any idea that I was sitting here talking to you? I know this morning sucked, but you don't zone out. That's my job. What's going on?"
She shook her head and shrugged.
"What was that?" Jane asked, carefully watching the slightest twitch in Maura's expression.
"What was what?" She forged a smile.
Jane sighed. "That shrug thing you've got going on. That's not you. You're a talker. You talk. So start talking. I know it sucks that you're not pregnant, but we can try again."
Maura clasped her hands together and sat back in her desk chair. "I know we can try again."
"Don't look so enthusiastic."
Maura lowered her gaze. "I just don't know if I want to try again."
"Oh." Jane stared at her. After everything they'd been through in the last few weeks, trying to put everything into place to make this happen. She couldn't understand where any of this was coming from. Maura knew more than anyone that this was not going to work quickly and easily. "Why not? You want a kid, I want a kid. If you were pregnant, we wouldn't be discussing this. You'd want the kid."
"If I was pregnant, the situation would be different." She closed her eyes and stared down at her hands, still clasped across her empty womb.
"Why?"
"Please, Jane." Maura's lips curved unnaturally, her eyes lacked the sparkled Jane had seen for the last few weeks. Her eyes drooped, dark circles wrapped around them. "I'm tired, and it is not a good time to be pushing me on this."
"Why not?"
"Jane." She closed her eyes again and rubbed at her temples. Then she opened her mouth and let out a breath, followed by another one. Jane watches her movement, the slow methodical action of each and every deeply sought breath.
"You're acting weird."
"I'm acting the way I usually act," Maura said, opening one eye before closing it again.
"No, you're not. You're acting weird. Spill."
Maura sighed. The slightest roll of her eyes followed the gritting of her teeth. "I have a very busy morning, please can you leave me to do my job?"
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"That look."
"There is no look. I look the same as I usually look."
"Maura!"
"Yes?"
"Stop it."
"I don't know what you want me to stop, I do not understand what you're implying."
"You're behaving strangely." Jane couldn't quite put her finger on it but Maura was not acting like herself. At least not like the happy, cheerful, and slightly downtrodden Maura of recent weeks. "You're not behaving how you usually behave. I would have said it must be because of the baby thing, but you're acting weirder than that."
"Weird in which way?"
"Stop asking questions."
"I'm sorry." Her voice strained in a way Jane had never heard before. It hit her right in the middle of her heart. Maura's expression tightened, her face became even more sullen. "I don't know what you want from me."
"I want to know why you look like someone died."
"Because someone has died."
Taken aback, Jane stared silently for a moment. Her voice finally came out small, weak. "Who?"
"Hope."
She sat up straight. "What?"
"Hope died."
Author Notes: I know that final moment is throwing something big and potentially angsty into this, but I have a plan, so please don't worry. This story is not going down the complete angst route. I'm building all the angst up for my July fic. ;)