Author Notes: Thank you everyone for reading and commenting on the last couple of chapters, I am finally back into the swing of things with this fic - so much so that it's changing its own course. Things were not supposed to happen and have, which I love about writing. The way stories take over and write themselves. Hopefully this one will appease a few minds.
"Hello, stranger," Jane said, holding the door open. She leaned against it and smiled.
Maura stood up straight, her shoulders back and let out a slow and methodical breath. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You needed time."
"Thank you for giving it to me, and thank you for the wine. It meant a lot."
"It was only a couple days, I figured you could use a drink," Jane said, stepping to one side. "I'm glad you came over."
Maura peered into the apartment. "Is Silver here?"
"No." Jane reached a hand out to her upper arm. "I'm all yours."
The last couple of days had allowed her to gain some perspective. Maura followed Jane into the apartment and leaned against the kitchen counter. A lightness in Jane's step didn't escape her notice.
"You seem different," Maura said.
"Different, how?"
"Happier." Maura shook her head. "More comfortable in yourself. I think Silver has been good for you."
"Yeah," Jane said. She looked down, consciously aware of the redness coating her cheeks. She busied herself with mugs and coffee. "She has."
"I'm glad."
"How have you been?" Jane asked, filling the coffee pot with water and switching the machine on.
"Tired, mostly." Maura forged a smile. "The funeral is next week, it'll be held at a crematorium where she was living in Oxford."
"You've gotta go to England for the funeral?"
"Yes. Cailin decided that since she had a lot of friends and colleagues out there that they should hold the initial service there. She will be cremated, then we'll have a memorial service here in Boston for everyone else. I'll travel over there at the weekend and spend a couple of days with Cailin."
"I guess that makes sense. How is she doing?"
"It's difficult to know. She says she's okay but as you very well know what people say and what people feel are two very different things." Maura placed her coffee mug on the counter and walked around it. She wrapped her arms around Jane's waist and clung to her. "Thank you. I should have come to you sooner."
"Anytime, Maura," Jane said, wrapping her up in a hug. She pressed her lips to the side of her head and pulling her in tightly.
x
Standing in the airport, Jane held up the pen and paper checklist she'd snatched from Maura a few moments ago.
"Tickets?"
"Check," Maura said.
"Passport?"
"Check."
"Jane?"
"Jane?" Maura frowned. "Why would you be on my list?"
"Why wouldn't I be on your list?"
"Because you're not coming with me to England."
"Check again," Jane said, handing over the checklist.
Maura rolled her eyes and glanced down at the list. Jane watched as she reached the bottom, to her name scrawled across the blank space.
"You're not coming with me," Maura said. "You drove me to the airport, you have nothing with you, and you don't have a ticket. Nice try."
Jane nodded her head, placed her hands on Maura's shoulders and twisted her around. "I think you'll find Ma and Frankie brought my stuff, and they'll drive my car home, so I can come with you."
Across the room, Angela waved enthusiastically, while Frankie dragged a suitcase behind him. He raised a hand and smiled. Maura turned back to Jane.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?" Jane shook her head. "Because you are Maura, and you shouldn't do this alone, and I love you so I'm going to come with you. If that's okay?"
"Of course that's okay with me. Would you go home if I told you it wasn't?"
Jane stared at Maura. "Erm, no."
Her face cracked, tears spilled down her eyelids. "Thank you."
Jane cupped her cheeks, brushing away tears with her thumbs. "I said I'd be here for you, and that's what I'm gonna do. If that means flying halfway around the world, then that's what I'm gonna do. You can't go to your mother's funeral alone."
"But what about work?"
"I cleared it with Korsak, I'm owed about fifty million holidays. You know I'm bad at taking time off, he practically kicked me out the door. So, let's get checked in and hit the bar."
x
"Jane, what are you doing?" Maura asked, fastening her seat belt. The business class seat beside her had previously been filled, before a man disappeared up toward the front of the plane. Jane sat down and buckled up her seat belt. "I thought your ticket was for economy."
"It was."
"Then what are you doing in business class?"
"I switched."
"You can't just switch," Maura looked around the cabin in search of the air hostess who had walked past a moment ago. "It costs money to upgrade."
"I didn't upgrade. I asked nicely and they found me a spot."
"That just happened to be next to me?"
"I explained the situation, so now you don't have to sit here alone for the next four hours."
"Six."
"Six what?"
"Hours.
"Aw man, that's even worse," Jane groaned.
"You didn't have to come."
"I wanted to."
"I was going to read the latest medical journal from cover to cover. I doubt I'll be much company."
"You don't wanna sit and chat?"
"You don't chat, Jane. Not unless it's about work, or baseball."
"I so do chat. I can chat."
"What would you like to chat about?"
"Erm, fish."
"Fish? Right. What about fish do you wish to discuss?"
Jane rolled her eyes. "I don't wanna talk about fish, Maura. I just wanna sit with you."
"Thank you. I appreciate the company."
x
An hour into the flight, Maura put her medical journal down and glanced across to Jane. She sat in silence, her eyes fixed on the entertainment screen in front of her. For the first time since Hope died, and they found out she wasn't pregnant, Maura felt her face crack a smile. Sometimes she forgot about the wonderful things in her life, and Jane was certainly up there with the greatest. Having her there with her meant more than she could put into words.
"You okay?" Jane asked, pulling off her headphones.
"Fine," Maura said, her smile never faltering. Jane stared back at her, her eyebrows creased together. Jane smiled back and returned her headphones. Maura looked away, though she couldn't help looking back again.
Their lives had taken so many twists and turns in recent months, she almost couldn't keep up. The hardest part of losing Hope was the loss of connection to her birth, and the sadness she felt for her sister. The easiest bit was, by far, having Jane by her side. She reached out, finding Jane's fingers on her thigh, and interlinked them with her own. The crease between Jane's eyebrows deepened, she glanced back to Maura, but didn't remove her headphones. She squeezed her fingers around Maura's hand.
The small connection settled the worries that threatened to surface. She didn't know anyone in England, except Cailin. She barely knew her sister. The thought of having to socialise with so many new people, to receive sympathy from complete strangers, didn't sit well with her lack of social skills.
Jane placed her other hand over the top of Maura's and they sat like that for a while.
x
A few hours later, Jane stuck a fork into the slice of chicken on her plastic tray and held it up. She remembered why she didn't fly much, and why she tried her very best not to end up in hospital. They were the two least food friendly places she could think of. After carving off a little and tossing it into her mouth, Jane leaned back and turned to Maura.
"We never did get to talk about trying to get pregnant."
"No," Maura said, elegantly slicing her food up into pieces. "I suppose we didn't."
"I'm sorry it didn't work out this time."
"Me too."
"Before everything happened with Hope, you said you didn't know if you wanted to try again."
She held her breath. Jane wanted to know, she wanted to be sure if she should invest herself again, or not. At the same time, she feared the response that Maura would give. The day they discovered Maura wasn't pregnant Jane had cause for disappointment, not just because there was no baby, but because of Maura's words.
"I don't know what I want anymore. If you don't mind," Maura said, lifting her fork up to her lips. "I'm trying to eat. This isn't the place to be discussing this. Perhaps when we get home."
"If that's what you want," Jane said, disappointment seeping back into her heart. It was wrong of her to put that on Maura, to show her disappointment, she knew that. She cleared her throat and forged a smile, pushing a friendliness into her voice. "There's no rush. You can take your time."
Maura sighed. "I'm sorry. That came across harsher than I intended. I'd rather discuss it in private."
"It's okay," Jane shrugged. "You're hurting."
"That's no excuse to speak to you like that."
Jane lifted her food tray off the table and placed it on Maura's, before sliding her tray back against the seat. She twisted round and reached for Maura's hand.
"I get it. You don't need to push me away Maura, I'm here for you. That means we talk about things when you want to. I'm not precious about it, if you want me to back down, tell me to back down."
"For once you're talking to me," Maura said. "For once you're not bottling everything up and I keep telling you to stop. I need to meet you half way."
"My mother didn't just die. I don't need you to treat me like I'm gonna break."
"You don't need to treat me like I'm going to break," Maura said.
"Duly noted."
x
On the other side of customs, having claimed their baggage, Maura searched the crowds for the not quite familiar face of her younger sister. When she spotted her, her heart sunk. Despite having a couple of relatively straightforward conversations with her since Hope's death, seeing the fragility in her eyes broke Maura's resolve. She dropped her bag at her feet and pulled the young woman into her arms. The moment she did, Cailin collapsed into them in a fit of tears. Her body shook with great gasping sobs. Maura clung to her. Never before had she felt any true connection with her only known, living sibling, not even when she'd given her a kidney.
"I am so sorry."
After a moment, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Still supporting her sister as she struggled to regain her composure, Maura turned her head and smiled weakly at Jane, she appreciated the brief squeeze of her shoulder.
"Let's go home," Maura said, once the tears had lessened. She turned to search for her bag.
"I've got everything," Jane said,
Maura moved her arm around the back of Cailin's shoulder and guided her toward the exit.
x
At the house, Maura stood on the path and looked up at the old, brick building. She had visited only once in the last few years on a trip to London for a medical examiners conference. She barely saw inside, yet what she did see emulated the woman showing it to her. Tears threatened her composure. As if knowing that she needed her, Jane grasped at her fingers.
"Thank you," Maura said, squeezing back.
They crossed the threshold and a wave of sights and smells overloaded Maura's senses. A flash back to moments spent with Hope, to the perfume she wore, to the last time she stood in the entranceway. Maura let go of a fragile breath, appreciating Jane's fingers still providing her with support.
"I'm in Mom's room," Cailin said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "I didn't realise you were bringing Jane, we only have one other room."
"That's fine with me," Jane said. "I can sleep on the couch, or wherever, I don't mind."
"We have a camp bed which we can put up in the office."
The light and airy hallway opened up into a beautiful, English country garden kitchen. Maura ran a hand across the selected marble worktop. Cailin moved around the table in the middle.
"We have plenty of refreshments, and a friend did a big shop at the supermarket for me yesterday, so we have lots of food in. Help yourselves to anything you'd like."
She returned to the hallway. Maura moved to follow her, Jane leaned in close, a brief bout of laughter sliced through the grief stricken house. "A big shop at the supermarket?"
"That's what they call the grocery store," Maura said.
"I know that, it's just weird hearing her say it with an American accent."
Heading up the stairs, Cailin pointed out the bathroom, the office, and the other bedroom. "I'll get the camp bed, and some spare sheets."
Left alone in Maura's room for the next few days, Maura slipped off her shoes and felt the wooden floor beneath her feet. She held back the impending wave of emotions. The house smelled too familiar. She almost considered checking into a hotel to get away from it.
"You doing okay?" Jane asked, stepping closer. She ran a hand across the top of Maura's arm.
She nodded. The fear of what would happen if she opened her mouth to speak was too consuming. She knew it would only be a matter of time, and though she didn't mind crying in front of Jane, she didn't want to show the depth of her current emotions to Cailin.
"Here's some sheets, and a towel," Cailin said, entering the bedroom again. "The camp bed is set up."
"Thank you," Jane said.
"If you need anything," she began to say, her voice drifted off into silence. There was still fragility in her eyes, in her voice.
"We'll be fine, thank you," Jane said.
She nodded her head and backed out of the room. A moment later, a door closed and they could hear the loud, gasping sobs travel through the walls. Maura clutched the skirt of her dress, but she couldn't keep her emotions in check. She turned her back to Jane, her shoulders moved as silent gasps escaped her.
"Hey," Jane said, wrapping her arms around her from behind. She continued to cry, each tear flowed into the one before, until her cheeks were red raw.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You're allowed to be upset."
"I'm not even crying about Hope, not entirely. Cailin is so broken apart. It's so unfair on her. She shouldn't have to lose her mother so young."
"No," Jane said, pressing her lips to the side of Maura's head. She turned into her embrace and nuzzled her face against Jane's chest. She breathed in the familiarity of Jane's body, got lost for the briefest second in a scent that didn't make her want to cry. In Jane's arms she felt at home.
x
Tossing and turning on the narrow camp bed, Jane threw back the bed sheets and let out a small groan. She wasn't adverse to tiny camp beds, at least not in principle, but when she couldn't stop thinking about the two women across the hall who were heartbroken, she couldn't find comfort in it. Instead she twisted round again, the squeak of the old springs made her consciously aware of every movement.
Sometime around two in the morning, she got up to use the bathroom. On her way back to the office, she spotted the light from under Maura's bedroom door. She stopped, placed a hand on the wood, and listened for a moment. She couldn't hear anything.
Before she pulled away, she heard the familiar movement of paper. She tapped lightly on the doorframe.
"Come in," Maura said softly.
She pressed down on the door handle and opened the door, slipping inside, before closing it behind her. As expected, Maura lay in bed with the medical journal she hadn't read much of on the plane.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Jane said. "Wanted to see if you were."
"I am, thank you, Jane," Maura said. "It helped to have a really good cry."
"I'm glad."
Hovering by the door, Jane didn't quite know what to do with herself. She wanted to say something more but what else was there to say? Maura was doing okay, and that was all that mattered.
"Would you like to sit?"
She nodded her head and scooted onto the bedsheets. Maura placed her journal on the bedside table and rolled onto her other side to face Jane. Following her lead, Jane did the same.
"Do you ever wonder what life will be like when we're older?" Maura asked.
"How old is older?"
"Eighty."
"Not really," Jane said. "The average age of a cop is nowhere near that."
"Doesn't mean you won't reach it."
"Doesn't mean I will." Jane frowned. "Why are we talking about death?"
"I didn't intend to," Maura said. "Do you ever wonder what we'll be doing if we're both still here?"
"Sitting at your kitchen table drinking beer and wine, as we always do, probably."
"Do you think?"
"I dunno," Jane said. She didn't know what else to say. The only thing she could envisage in her future was that. If they ever had a child together, maybe he or she would be sat beside them. By then they could easily be grandparents. "What else could there be?"
"You and Silver, and your family."
Jane scoffed. "No. I don't, I don't see a future with her."
"You don't?"
"Not really. She's nice, I really like her, but I don't think we'll be together in forty years time." Jane cleared her throat, her vision burst into a million tiny pieces, replaced by a man she didn't even know wrapping his arms around Maura. "You and your husband."
"Who says I even want a husband?" Maura asked.
"You did."
"I did. I used to want that. I used to want a lot of things."
"Children?"
Maura closed her eyes. "I'm not ready to discuss that. Can we please get the funeral over with first? There's a lot of things going through my mind and I can't quite put that into words."
"That's fine." Jane edged a little closer. "Do you think we'll still be friends when we're eighty?"
"Why wouldn't we be?"
"You said it yourself a few years back that we wouldn't be friends if we didn't do the job we do, that we'd never see each other."
"That was before," Maura said.
Staring into Maura's eyes, Jane felt comfort. She didn't know what the future held, neither of them did, all she knew was that Maura meant the world to her. She couldn't picture a future without her.
"I hope we are," Jane said, lowering her gaze briefly. She stared at Maura's chin, at the shape of her lips, so perfectly formed. Lips she knew and yet didn't know. She swallowed a lump that settled uncomfortably at the back of her throat. A wave of emotion flooded her mind.
"I hope so too," Maura said, leaning in closer. She pressed her lips to Jane's cheek. "Thank you for everything."
In the moment, as Maura pulled back again, Jane leaned forward. She didn't know why she did it, but the second her lips pressed against Maura's, she pulled back. She stared deeply into her eyes, into the surprised expression on Maura's face, then away again.
"I should go to bed," she whispered, slipping off Maura's bed and rushing for the door.
"Jane," Maura said, her voice travelled in her wake, but she'd already slipped out of the room.