Author Notes: My heart bleeds today. Hate breeds hate, and there is no place in this world for homophobic (or any other kind of) terrorism. I'm sure you all stand with me in grief, and in sorrow, over the lost LGBT lives (and the lives of anyone from outside the community who also died). Though the atrocity affects more than the LGBT community, I feel it so deeply in my soul, because killing someone for their sexuality feels so much closer to home. I am sad, and I am angry, but I am also thankful that I get to live another day. Love yourself, love the people around you, and please, please, stay safe out there.

Angela ran a hand through Jane's hair, brushing it away from her face. She repeated the action. Jane sunk against her mother. Tears flowed down her cheeks like waterfalls breaking their way through small caverns. She opened her mouth to speak, only for the salty tears to coat her lips. She closed it again.

"I'm so sorry, Janie," Angela whispered, her methodical voice relaxing her enough to regain some of her composure. Jane burrowed her face against her mother's shoulder and clung to her.

"She didn't deserve it," Jane said, breathing heavily. "I hurt her. I shouldn't have hurt her."

"If it wasn't right, what else could you do?" Angela asked.

Jane shook her head. "It wasn't right. I liked her, a lot, but it was never gonna last forever. I couldn't do it to her, Ma. I couldn't keep it going longer, not if it meant hurting her more."

"It's okay to be upset. She was your first proper girlfriend. It's okay to cry."

"We never talked about if we were girlfriends, we didn't label it. But it's my fault she's angry."

"That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Jane asked, pulling away. "You liked her. You got along real well."

"The only thing I want is for you to be happy," Angela said. "If Silver isn't gonna make you happy then I support your decision."

"What if I've made a horrible mistake?" Jane wiped at her cheeks. "What if she was it for me, Ma? What if I don't get another shot at happiness?"

Angela wrapped both hands around Jane's face. "Why wouldn't you? You're a smart, funny, amazing woman. I'm not just saying that cause I'm your mother. You are a great person, Jane Rizzoli. Don't you forget that."

Closing her eyes, Jane settled herself against her mother's shoulder once more. She felt safe, like any consequence couldn't touch her when she was in her mother's arms. Thoughts of Silver disappeared on her tears, replaced with thoughts of Maura. Fresh tears coursed their way down previously carved paths.

"I love her, Ma," Jane said, her shoulders shook. "I love her and I don't know what to do."

"Silver?"

"Maura."

"Oh." Angela loosened her grip a little. "I didn't realise."

"What if she'll never see me that way?" Jane asked. "Something happened in Oxford, and I don't know if she was just grieving or if she meant it."

"Did you talk to her?"

"No," Jane said. "Not yet. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to tell her how I feel."

"There's no rush. You just take your time."

x

The pile of papers on Maura's desk had grown taller since the day before. She took off a couple of sheets and focused on them, one at a time, until the pile shrunk a little. Grief still lived in her heart, consuming as much of her energy as it liked, and dragging her back into a place where she didn't want to be.

"Got the results back on the strand of hair found on Joselin Evans' body," Kent said, entering the office. Maura sighed and accepted yet another piece of paper. "You look tired."

"I'll be fine," Maura said. She placed the paper in front of her and scanned its contents. "Are we any closer to getting back the DNA results in the O'Malley case?"

"I spoke to the lab this morning, they're backed up." Maura opened her mouth to speak, then stopped when Kent raised a hand in front of him. "I've put pressure on them, they're doing their best. Besides, there's plenty of work to do on the Evans case while we wait."

"Thank you, Kent," Maura said. He smiled and backed out of the office.

Maura refocused her attention on her paperwork. She slipped the fibre sample into the correct case file. She clicked on her emails and awaited any new ones sitting in her inbox. Still focused on her laptop, a shadowed moved over her.

"Not now, Kent," she said.

"Not Kent," Jane said, her tone low and empty.

Maura glanced up. "Jane, I didn't hear the sound of your shoes."

"Wearing my sneakers," she said. Circles gathered below her eyelids, concerning Maura.

"Why?"

"Didn't go home after dinner last night."

"You stayed at the guest house?" Maura asked. "I didn't realise."

Jane shrugged. The nonchalance filled her with a sense of dread. Something wasn't right. Maura stood up, her eyes fixed on Jane's until she looked away.

"Are you okay?" Maura walked around the edge of her desk and stopped in front of Jane. "You don't look okay."

"I'm fine," Jane said, holding her hands up in front of her before Maura could reach out to her. She backed away. Jane turned to face the doorway.

"Forgive me if I don't believe you," Maura said. She reached her hand out and rested it against Jane's shoulder. "Please talk to me."

"I ended it with Silver."

"Right."

Words dispersed into the silence that followed. Maura searched her mind for something to say. She squeezed her fingers tightly around Jane's shoulder and edged a little closer. So close she could almost see Jane's hairs on end as she breathed against the side of her neck.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Jane said, running the back of her hand along her cheek. "Do you have anything on the case?"

"Here," Maura said, handing her the case file.

"Thanks." Jane turned and walked towards the door. "Catch you later."

x

The office emptied until Jane was the only person left, she stared at the case file in front of her, scanning the document for what felt like the sixtieth time. Nothing was going in, and she knew she should just go home. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to sit at home, alone, wondering what to do with the rest of her life.

"I thought we were going for drinks," Maura said, approaching her desk.

Jane glanced up, forging a smile. "Hey, Maura. I forgot."

"You're upset about Silver."

"Yeah."

"Would it help to drink beer and talk?" Maura asked.

Jane shrugged. "I guess so."

She sat back in her chair and stared at Maura. That was why she cared about her so much. She was there, she was always there, no matter how low and moody she got, Maura never left her side.

"Let's go," Jane said, standing up and grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair.

x

Two glasses of wine and four bottles of beer later, the light returned to Jane's eyes as she talked animatedly about something Tommy did when he was younger. Maura listened, taking in every word, but mostly listening to the sound of her voice.

"He had no idea," she said, swigging back another mouthful of beer.

"Now probably isn't a good time to talk about trying again," Maura said. "Maybe we could wait for a while. See how you feel in a few weeks."

"Nah," Jane said, shaking her head. "Don't let me stop it from happening."

"Neither of us are in a very good place right now."

"Okay. Whatever you want to do."

Maura watched her eyes dart back and forth, her lips move with every word that escaped her mouth. Something had been playing on her mind all day, and she couldn't hold it back much longer.

"Did you end your relationship with Silver because of me? Because of what happened in Oxford?"

"No, Maura," Jane said, her eyebrows creased together.

"Then why?"

"I told you, I don't see a future with her." She swirled the beer around inside its bottle. "Why prolong the inevitable?"

"I'm sorry," she said, bowing her head. "I know you liked her."

"I did." Jane shrugged. "It wasn't fair to her. I've made mistakes and I can't take them back. I couldn't do it anymore. She deserves to be happy. I want her to be happy."

"That's very honourable of you."

Jane sighed. "There's nothing honourable about hurting someone."

"You did it for the right reasons."

"I need to go," Jane said, finishing off her bottle of beer and standing up. "I'm not good company tonight."

"You're fine," Maura said, standing up opposite her.

Jane stepped away. "Sorry."

"Jane," Maura said, blocking her path. She gripped the edge of Jane's shoulders. "Please. I want to be here for you."

"I know, I just need to be by myself," she said, her voice small and weak. "I'm sorry."

Maura's arms dropped by her sides as Jane walked away, her heart heavy. She wanted to comfort her. She wanted to be the person Jane needed. But she could only do so much. Maura slipped back into the booth and nursed her glass of wine; so much had happened in the last two weeks, she didn't know how much more she could take.

"You want another glass?" Angela asked, approaching the table.

"No, thank you." Maura handed the glass to Angela, followed by a couple of notes, and stood up. "I should go."

x

"Thanks for coming," Jane said, sitting down in her usual booth at the Dirty Robber. Morning sun shone in through the windows. "Beer?"

"No, too early, thanks," Silver said.

She looked up at Jane, her eyes fixed, a harsh expression on her face. Jane's heart ached. She could still remember the soft smile that lingered on her face when they were together, the feel of her hands on her skin. A wave of emotions cut through any confidence she had.

"Well?"

"Silver," Jane whispered. She grasped at her fingers. Silver tugged them back. "I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve this. The way I behaved the other night was out of line. I wanted to clear the air."

"There's nothing to say."

"There is." Silver shrugged and waited, staring at Jane, until she finally opened her mouth to speak again. "I didn't want to hurt you. You know that, right? I did care about you, I still do. I want you to be happy and I know I can't be the person to make that happen."

Silver's steely glare softened. She lowered her gaze and picked up Jane's hand, holding it in her own. "I know. It hurts. But I know."

Jane covered Silver's hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. "Before I met you, I thought I'd never rediscover part of myself. It's because of you that I'm finally able to be me. That means more than you could ever know."

"Was there anything I did," Silver whispered. "Anything I could have done to change where we are."

Jane shook her head. "I don't wanna sound like a cliché, but it's not about you. You were kind, and you were patient. I'll never forget that. This is about me sorting some shit out, trying to make sense of feelings I didn't know I had."

"There's someone else?"

Lowering her gaze, Jane pondered telling her everything, for the sake of honesty. "No. Not like that. She isn't gay, she isn't bi, she's…probably always gonna be a friend."

"But you want more."

"I'm sorry." Jane squeezed her hand tighter. "I didn't want this to happen, I didn't know it was going to. If things were different."

"I know," Silver said. She stood up and walked around the booth, placing a hand on either side of Jane's face. She leaned down and brushed her lips against Jane's. "I know it didn't last long, and we didn't really talk about what it was, but I think I could have really loved you."

"Me too," Jane said, covering her hands and holding them there. A lump settled in the back of her throat. In some ways she wanted to ask to stay in touch, but she knew deep down it wouldn't happen. "I'm sorry."

"So am I," Silver said, kissing her once more on the forehead before walking away.

Jane sat in silence, resting her head in her hands. She listened to Silver's shoes clack across the floor, the door swung open and closed behind her, the sound of conversation across the bar. Sadness filled her, dancing with the guilty and pain she'd caused. Maybe now she could find a way to move on.

x

Wrapping her arms around Cailin's shoulders, Maura pulled her into a long embrace. She found comfort, a mutual understanding, in her arms. She pulled back and ran a hand across her face.

"It is so good to see you."

"I'm glad I came," Cailin said, wrapping an arm around Maura's neck and pulling her back in close. "Staying at Mom's house was suffocating. I needed a break, I needed to not be surrounded by her things."

"Maybe I can come back with you," Maura said. "Help you sort everything out."

"I'd rather not think about that right now."

"Of course." Maura brushed Cailin's hair back from her face. "We have a lot to catch up on."

Once Cailin had settled into the spare room, and unpacked, Maura ordered Chinese takeout and sat down on the couch to eat.

"How is your studying going?" Maura asked, swallowing a mouthful.

"Good." Cailin scooped noodles out of the container with chopsticks. "Medical school is harder than I thought it would be."

"It's challenging," Maura said. "But I think you can handle it. Do you know your specialism yet?"

"I was hoping to become a surgeon, though recently I've been considering neurology."

"Because of Hope?" Cailin nodded. "Both would be worthy options, and I know that the option you choose, you will do brilliant at."

"I hope so." She lifted the noodles into her mouth, chewed and swallowed. Maura nibbled at a dumpling. "What's it like, being a medical examiner?"

"It's," Maura paused, lowering the dumpling into the container. Nobody ever asked her about her work, not from the point of view Cailin had. "It is very rewarding to piece together the puzzle of someone's final moments, and give the family some peace."

Cailin smiled. "Do you fear death?"

Maura narrowed her eyes. "That's a very pertinent question."

"People don't wish to talk to me about our mother's death," she said. "They look uncomfortable, if I say anything more than 'I'm fine'. They're training to be doctors and it scares them. Do you get that?"

"I am lucky to be surrounded by people who understand death from another perspective," she said. "Once you're working out of a hospital, you'll find more people who understand. As to whether I'm afraid of dying; no. I do not feel fear for my demise. What I fear is not doing all of the things that matter to me before I do."

"Yeah," Cailin said. "That makes sense."

"Do you?" Maura asked, the crease between her eyebrows deepened. "You've probably come far closer to it than I have, personally."

"Yeah. I, I don't know how I feel. Some days it scares the hell out of me, other days I think it wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't have to suffer the pain of losing Mom, I wouldn't have to worry about whether your kidney will keep me going for the rest of my life."

"You have your whole life ahead of you," Maura said, reaching out to her wrist. "Even with a single kidney. I hope you won't dwell too much on the fear."

"I'm trying." Cailin placed the container on the coffee table in front of her. "It helps knowing I have you."

Maura smiled and returned to her dumpling. For the first time since meeting Cailin a few years back, she actually felt comfortable with her. Something had shifted, their shared grief had united them, and Maura felt eternally grateful for the opportunity to get to know her sister.

"Did you and Jane sort things out?"

"Sort what out?" Maura asked.

"The kiss."

Remembering what happened and talking about it were worlds apart. In the darkness of her bedroom, alone, all she could think about was what she'd done and how much of a mistake it felt in that moment. She'd barely seen Jane in two weeks, aside from work related situations. She missed her. She only hoped that Jane's avoidance was more to do with the end of her relationship with Silver, and not about Maura herself.

"We've been too busy to discuss it," Maura said. "It's been an unusually high couple of weeks for unexplained deaths."

"Has she said anything?" Cailin put her empty container on the table and leaned back against the couch. "Or have you guys just not talked about it?"

Maura leaned back, beside her. "She split up with her girlfriend."

"That's something," Cailin said, sitting upright. She tucked a leg under her knee, her body twisted toward Maura. "Did she say why?"

"I asked her if it was because of me."

"Because she kissed you."

"Because I kissed her," Maura said, glancing briefly at Cailin, before looking away.

She moved further forward. "You kissed Jane? When? Why? And why haven't you told me about it sooner?"

"Yes I kissed her." She sighed. "On the last night in Oxford. I was upset. I didn't deem it worth discussing. I don't really know why I did it."

Cailin raised an eyebrow. "No clue at all?"

"I surmise it was probably related to my grief."

Cailin narrowed her eyes. "I don't believe you."

"Why wouldn't you?" Maura asked. "You have no reason to think otherwise."

"It's not just Jane, is it?"

"What isn't?"

"Jane isn't the only one who has feelings."

Maura sighed again. "I do not know that Jane has feelings for me, and I certainly don't know that I do, either."

"Do you think about her?" Maura nodded. "About kissing her?"

"I think about the kiss in Oxford."

"Have you thought about doing it again?"

"I," Maura paused. Yes, she had. "I don't know."

"Come on, Maura," she said. "I know you're not very good at the social thing but you should at least know your own feelings."

"I haven't allowed myself to think about it."

Cailin rolled her eyes. "Per-lease. Like it's that easy. I've been taking a psych class and we've talked a lot about visualisation. How about we try it?"

Maura stared at her, her eyebrows raised. She didn't anticipate any amount of visualisation would help.

"Close your eyes." Maura sighed and followed her instructions. "I want you to think about your future, about your career, about family, about everything you want out of the next ten years. Do you have an image?"

Allowing her mind to drift off into the distance, Maura focused on her desires. She already knew she wanted a family, and her plan with Jane only sought to make that happen.

"What's happening in your job?"

"I'd like to retire early, perhaps when I reach fifty. I've made enough money so that I can live comfortably. I'd like to focus on charity work, maybe take another trip overseas. Perhaps after a couple of years off, I could teach part time. I'd like to be part of helping young minds to discover the wonders of the human body, and the excitement of untangling the puzzle of criminal cases."

"You're going to retire, then go back to work?" Cailin laughed. "You're as much of a workaholic as Mom, aren't you?"

"I enjoy my work."

"What about family?"

Breathing in and out slowly, Maura tried to find the piece of the puzzle that was her future family. "I see you and I spending time together, lunches, vacations. You have a family of your own, if that's what you want, and I have a child."

"Is there anyone by your side?"

Without hesitation, Maura whispered "Jane."

She sat upright and opened her eyes. "That doesn't mean anything."

"I beg to differ," Cailin said. "You clearly see Jane in your future."

"Jane and I are planning to co-parent a child together," she said. "That is why I envisage Jane in my future. She's a very good friend, and we're going to share a child."

Cailin's mouth dropped open, her eyes wide. "You're going to have a child together?"

"Yes," Maura said, the expression on her face puzzled her. "Is there a problem?"

"Friends don't co-parent."

"I don't see why not."

Cailin shook her head. "You're totally in denial."

"I am not," Maura said.

The suggestion that she was irked her somewhat. Her feelings for Jane were...complicated. That being said, when she recalled the visualisation, she could see no significant other in her future. Only Jane. Cailin stared at her, which only sought to anger her a little. She didn't appreciate her pushing her to feel something that she wasn't sure she felt. Besides, Jane had not made her own feelings known. Even if she did feel something, Cailin's suggestion that Jane felt something in return were completely unfounded.

"Please, can we stop discussing my relationship with Jane. How about you, do you have a significant other?"

"Deflection," Cailin said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm currently unattached."