"So, on a scale of 1 to Wanheda, how pissed are you at us?" Raven asks eventually when they put the body in a private room where they will draw blood that will be taken to Abby and Jackson for analysis.

Clarke finishes washing her hands and pointedly looks at her friend, "Wanheda."

Raven cringes dramatically, "Come on, Clarke. The rover is safe, no one knew that Lexa was in there."

"That doesn't matter, it's very clearly a Skaikru vehicle, any of our enemies could try to stop it regardless of the cargo it carried." Clarke sighs, "not to mention you both took off without telling anyone! Multiple times!"

"Clarke-"

"What if you didn't come back? What if he turned and got you both before you got him into a cell? One bite Raven, that's all it would take. Not to mention, What would have happened if the vehicle did break down or was attacked? Then where would you two be? Where would I be? Where would Octavia be?" Clarke spits out, She has a sinking feeling her best friend doesn't know about their late night rides either. She highly doubts Octavia's reaction would be much different from her own.

Raven's undoubtedly smartass remark dies in her throat as Clarke glares at her, the unmistakable proof for Clarke that she was right in thinking Octavia too had no idea of their escapades.

The mechanic runs a hand through her hair after a moment in the silent standoff, resigning she sighs, "I'm sorry, okay? You're right. We should have told you guys."

Clarke stares at her for a second longer before nodding once, "yeah...You should have." You should have told us lots of things. She can't help but think it, though she knows Raven is not to blame, nor Lexa for that matter - Clarke knows she started this thread of secrets the night she met Ontari in the woods.

Maybe that's why they hurt so much.

Secrets and guilt to a heart so pure go hand in hand.

She feels dirty, has so for weeks, yet her own secrets remain intact as she continues to stare at one of the people who is well aware of the weight of the secret she keeps; one of two people that she knows will keep it as long as she needs them to.

She understands that Lexa has revealed a few things to Raven, or discussed things with her she has yet to with Clarke; she believes she understands why she's done it as well. Lexa needed a different outlet, as they all do, she needed to talk to someone else, maybe find understanding from a different source other than just Clarke. After all, Clarke relies on her friends - why shouldn't Lexa have that luxury as well.

It just doesn't make it hurt any less.

An awkward silence falls over them as Clarke leans her side against the table, crossing her arms over her chest. "Is it helping," she finally asks, her voice quiet, full of remorse that Raven understands.

Raven lowers her optical device that she was using to examine the body and slowly turns to look at Clarke as if she's considering her words.

"We've been doing it for about a week or so now, do you notice a difference?"

Clarke furrows her brow, "a week?" She pauses and thinks more on Lexa. "I guess? Although, she's still sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with you so... Who can tell?"

She didn't mean it to sound so bitter but really it couldn't be helped. (She's just so tired.) Clarke makes to busy herself after that particular vulnerable moment, to draw various amounts of blood for her mother and Jackson, as well as a little extra for Raven's own study.

Raven rolls her eyes before fixing Clarke with a very poignant stare she can feel burning into the side of her head, "she's not doing it to 'be with me', Jealous. So relax. Lexa can't sleep, or won't let herself properly sleep, which I know you know, so cut her some slack."

Girl, she is trying.

Uh oh, here comes the word vomit with a hint of petty jealousy on the side...

"She never had an issue falling asleep beside me before, our nightmares were always kept a bay when we were together," Clarke vulnerably says to her, keeping her eyes on the corpse and literally anywhere other than her friend.

Damn her and her ability to see multiple sides of the issue.

Raven sighs, "Clarke, she can't relax because she fears disrupting this other 'her's' life because she can't deal with her own reality right now and thinks she'll try and reach out again. Lexa is restless, she carries the same weight on her shoulders that you do; she feels trapped by the situations before you guys and she's trying to help herself feel useful, like she's making progress. So yeah, we take the rover out and run some search patterns when we can't sleep. I know you understand that need."

Raven pauses, waiting for Clarke to acknowledge that she's speaking, when she catches the glance she continues, "Your wife's a protector, a proverbial symbol of safety, and she's trying to protect everyone, us, you, and this other her... Everyone."

Clarke bites at her cheeks, mulling over Ravens words, trying to hide the way she bristles at the knowledge that Raven knows and understands things Clarke does not. Not yet. Things Clarke knows deep down but her own worries and insecurities twisting it in her gut and muddling her view. Head and heart, for one of the few times ever for Clarke, are struggling to see eye-to-eye today.

Her mind whirls trying to go back to being consciously aloof all while suffering from bitter jealousy at their sleep deprived bonding sessions. She briefly wonders if she should get over her issues with the rover and ask to join in one night. She wants to feel included but doesn't want to interfere.

But mostly, she's concerned with Lexa's safety and mental health, so she tries to push the jealousy further down. She started this spiral of hurt feelings and deceptions, and now she must deal with it.

To bear it like she should.

Clarke doesn't know how much longer she can keep this up. She feels stretched thin. Tired. So tired.

"Clarke?" Raven questions when she does not respond.

Clarke blinks to clear a bit of the mess in her mind, "yeah?"

"You doin' alright?" Raven watches her carefully.

Clarke nods, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." Lie.

"Clarke." Raven knows it's a lie, mind reader or not. She watches her intently, waiting for the truth.

Clarke sighs this time, "okay. I'm not exactly fine, nothing is really fine, but I don't think you're the one I need to talk to in order to fix it."

Raven nods in agreement, "Probably not."

Clarke sets down the vial of blood she had drawn, "we've never had real secrets before..." She says quietly.

Raven nods, bites at her lip and awkwardly clears her throat, "Everyone has secrets, Clarke."

Clarke shakes her head, "Not us. We aren't supposed to anyways." She furrows her brow and shakes the blood vial in front of her face walking the purplish goo move, "Sameen? You knew that as well?"

Raven pauses and nods, "Yes, but not because Lexa told me..."

Clarke glances at her as she lowers the vial into the holder.

Raven shrugs like the answer should be obvious, and maybe it is, "I read thoughts, Clarke. You and Lexa may be able to block me out when you wish but Sameen can't. I only knew since the day before yesterday when she arrived. Saw her in the tavern after speaking with Lexa with a large drink- What?" Raven exclaims when Clarke's gaze becomes slightly, let's call it, 'judgy. Raven waves it off, "I was curious and it was a slow night, I mean she was right there," Raven defends. "Couldn't resist."

Clarke's face softens because she could laugh at herself, or Raven, she isn't sure. Maybe it's just the relief in confirmation that Lexa had tried to keep that secret quiet to everyone, and not just her. Maybe it's the knowledge that a buzzed Raven is an ever-curious Raven just with less inhibitions.

Rationally, it makes sense for Lexa to be quite mum about the whole thing; she had to keep the knowledge she had of Paul's disobedience quiet if her plan to keep order, while removing a member of standing to be replaced with one she had already chosen was to occur as smoothly as it did. As well, She certainly couldn't have the agreement to spare Paul that she made with Sameen to come out in the open or it would come off as special treatment, unequal standards, and undoubtedly cause the fragile coalition to shatter and the price on their heads to rise. Lexa made the best move she could; and quite honestly, it's what Clarke would have done as well. (Go fucking figure.)

Clarke gets why she did it, she simply needed the vulnerable side of her, the one that feels slightly disconnected with her wife, to catch up to logic.

For a second, she is feeling lighter, before her own culpability and remorse swells again as if reminding her that she carries a much larger secret. That she started this worry of deception and vulnerability by being deceptive in the first place. Seriously though, she thinks, fuck Ontari. She blames her as much as she blames herself; it's easier that way.

It's not.

Not really, and her face seems to show it because she's pretty sure she's blocking Raven from actually reading her mind right now but she speaks like she knows.

"Hey, you need to cut yourself some slack as well Griff. Your secrets aren't malicious or made with the intent to hurt each other, or even particularly to keep the other from getting hurt. Your situation is unique," Raven tells her when she falls quiet again, purposefully looking anywhere then at her friend.

"Yeah, but that doesn't make it right or make me feel any better, Rae. It's not going to make it hurt less when Lexa finds out about my working with Ontari... It doesn't prevent me from feeling hurt by her secrets either..." She can't help wondering what else she's in the dark about. She's fucking paranoid.

Clarke blinks, that's just great. I'm going to be one of those wives, except I won't be worried she's cheating on me, I'll be worried she's hiding something that'll get herself killed.

Perfect.

Clarke hears Raven exhale as if it pains her, what causes the reaction, she isn't quite sure, but Raven speaks before she can dwell on it.

"To have secrets is to be human, Clarke, we all hide something from someone. The circumstances behind yours left you little choice. You two are trying to protect everyone and with that responsibility there will be times when you don't agree or maybe need to keep the other from knowing certain things. Eventually, you know you'll have to reveal them, you'll come clean and I believe you made these choices with the intent to reveal when appropriate." Clarke silently absorbs what her friend is saying while chewing her lip like it's giving her sustenance.

Raven gives her a sympathetic smile, "You did the best you could with the information and situation at the time," Raven repeats as she finishes, one hand gently on Clarke's back, letting the blonde find comfort in the touch.

After a moment, Clarke gathers herself and thanks her friend quietly, before they begin wrapping the body for burning. "So, what are you hiding," Clarke asks quietly, her mind unable to stop thinking about their conversation despite her efforts.

Raven's hands pause for a brief second like she wasn't expecting the question. She clears her throat awkwardly, "who me?"

Clarke tilts her head and gestures open palmed to the room, the room that consists of her, Raven and the corpse, to which she then points at, "Well, he won't be speaking up, so yeah."

Raven doesn't smile like Clarke expects. She does, but it's not as full as she's used to, regardless, Raven replies like the asshole she is, "it could have been rhetorical, I mean technically he is hiding something - it's just in his blood."

"Your deflection needs work," Clarke tells her, oddly impatient, still waiting for an answer.

"Does it?" Raven asks, seriousness in her voice and features.

"Yeah, that was horrible. Pretty weak."

"I resent that. They were valid points! This guy is going to tell us what we need to know about this infection."

"You think?" Clarke hears herself ask before she stops and blinks. She cocks a brow as she catches herself biting into Raven's avoidance of the question, maybe her deflection doesn't need work after all, she'd almost applaud at how easy Raven made that seem. Clarke shakes her head, damn her, "damn you."

Raven smirks and shrugs, "it was worth a shot."

"So, are you going to tell me what you're hiding?"

Raven finishes her part of the wrap with a grunt, a scowl at the pungent smell and a shrug, she gives herself a moment and then she sort of bursts.

"I'm human, Clarke. I'm hiding a lot of things, are you referring to how I'm hiding me losing my virginity to not Finn but a girl from farm station named Amanda? Or how I'm hiding that my baby toes are double jointed and I'm super self conscious about it? Or how about me hiding that I'm self-conscious about being self-conscious over my goddamn toes? How about me hiding that Finn never spacewalked, that it was actually me and he took the fall to save my life? Or how about me hiding that I'm worried about O worrying that she and I may not be soulmates? Or how about the fact that Le-ha-ho-hoooly shit-" she cuts herself off before she can divulge the next secret, screwing her eyes up as she does it and breathing deep.

Whatever was coming out next is now seemingly a grenade she's trying to swallow.

Clarke's not sure when her mouth began to drop during Ravens rant but she's fairly certain it occurred somewhere between the baby toes and mentions of Finn and then hit the floor when she heard about Octavia's fears.

Thankfully, she recovers and snaps her jaw closed, taking a breath before she speaks.

"...Fine, don't tell me." Clarke surprises herself when she attempts to joke, hoping it lands and doesn't explode in her face. She's not even sure where to go with half of what Raven may or may not have meant to reveal, or for that matter, even at what she didn't say at all, what she stopped herself from saying.

(She's not stupid, she heard the beginning of Lexa's name and it's taking everything in her not to ask.)

Raven turns to her and a snort that turns into a weak chuckle breaks her lips as a small grin grows. "Ass," Raven mutters as she goes back to helping Clarke finish her job on the wrappings. It's awkward as what's left could hardly be described as a body at this point; falling over 100ft would do that to you.

Following her lead, Clarke lets it go (for now) as a thick silence falls over them. Clarke wonders what Ravens brain is grinding over, wondering if she's waiting for Clarke to acknowledge her revelations, wondering if she's silently preparing to defend herself physically should Clarke inquire again.

So she says nothing and Raven seems grateful.

It's not until just after they have instructed the guards posted at the rooms doors, 'to not allow anyone entrance without one of us or Heda', that Clarke feels she can no longer not address some of what Raven said.

Or at the very least, be there if she needs to talk.

She clears her throat as they walk through the halls, "so... did you want to talk about it?"

Raven pointedly glances at Clarke before looking back to the direction they're headed, "I'm going to assume you don't mean Finn."

Clarke softly chuckles, "no, I don't mean Finn. I'm actually not surprised about the whole Raven spacewalking and Finn covering for you thing - that sounds exactly like him..." she trails off thinking of the young man that the ground quickly destroyed.

"Yeah," Raven murmurs quietly. Clarke reaches down to hold her hand in comfort while they walk. Raven squeezes back in thanks and doesn't move to disengage them.

"So... Octavia..." Clarke prompts after a few seconds, not really sure if Ravens going to deflect again.

Raven nods, "yeah..." she catches a breath before her voice breaks a bit and it kills Clarke a little, "she uh, I don't know, she... she told me she wasn't sure if we were soulmates not too long ago. I mean, it was stupid and naive of me to ask, but I just- for me, she's it you know? I wanted to hear it from her..."

Clarke squeezes Ravens hand a little tighter as she fights the tears threatening to fall at the emotion in her friend's voice. It's obviously a shitty situation and the two of them have been through so much, they found each other and stuck by each other no matter what, they don't deserve this bump in their road. Especially not when things are so epically fucked up. She's also wondering when soulmates came to mean they were the 'be all end all' of love. As far as she's concerned, you can love someone who is not your soulmate and appreciate and revel in it all the same. It can be just as wonderful, just as easy, and just as tough; can be as much of a weakness as it is strength.

Love is love is love.

"I've gone over it a lot, Clarke," she looks a her very seriously to emphasize, "a lot, and as far as I'm concerned we are. We may not be as flashy and poetically queer as you two, but I firmly believe, no, I feel, that I've found her here and I'll find her in every life. Octavia, that wild thing, she's it for every me."

Clarke tries to smile as Raven bravely speaks so passionately, it's rare to see her bare like this - no jokes, no tough shell, no cussing. She can't imagine the pain of knowing or feeling something so deeply ingrained inside of you and then not having it reciprocated by your partner.

"Soulmates can't be one-sided, they just can't be. It doesn't work that way," Raven whispers, almost to herself.

She doesn't know what to say.

"Raven..."

Pathetic. Do better.

Clarke mentally shakes her head and starts again, her heart now aching for both Raven and Octavia, both in a difficult position, "...do you think... that is to say, ...does she maybe feel guilty?" Her mind travels to Finn, how quickly and how strongly she felt for Lexa, so much so that she gave in to her feelings, couldn't deny them, and kissed her back. Then, not yet came out of her mouth, a breathy, twisted mixture of desire and guilt, of want and pain and salvation. All because of timing, all because of a first love that was lost in a desperate situation.

She has a feeling she knows where Octavia is coming from. (She makes a mental note to check in with Gus' current babysitter.)

Raven stops walking at her words and turns to look at Clarke's face, she looks mildly terrifying.

"What?" She demands.

Clarke's eyes widen, she swallows thickly before she opens her mouth, "Maybe she feels guilty?"

Raven blinks.

She blinks again and tilts her head. Her face softens, but frowns.

Clarke blinks.

"Rae?"

Raven blinks a few more times as if coming out of a trance and tilts her head back straight.

"Rae?" Clarke jiggles the hand she's holding in attempts to get her to respond. Raven seems dazed.

Raven mutters something Clarke doesn't quite catch and turns her body to look away. Clarke moves to get in her line of sight again, hands gently gripping at her, "Raven you're freaking me out here, I've never heard such a loud silence before..." she's never heard so much silence from Raven as she has today as a matter of fact; please don't explode, please doesn't explode, Clarke chants.

"Lincoln," Raven finally whispers through reddening eyes.

Clarke swallows and moves the hand that's not gripping Raven's own to rub Ravens arm.

"All this time, so much has been going on... I forgot... I didn't think... she never said anything... Lincoln..." it's breathy, painful, full of remorse and compassion.

Clarke's not really sure what to make of that. Although, she knows and acknowledges that Octavia, the grounder born in the sky, is a little less likely to express herself, less likely to show weakness, especially if it's going to hurt someone she loves.

And Clarke is extremely impressed that Raven respects and loves Octavia so much that though the situation could be a little more clear had she listened to her thoughts - she obviously didn't.

"I'm not saying she thinks he is her soulmate," Clarke blurts out, in hopes to clarify, a somewhat poor attempt to make Raven feel better. "I'm not saying that she feels guilty being with you, thought she very well could at times- I don't even know, she hasn't said anything of the sort anyways; I'm saying she maybe won't say it because she feels guilty about betraying Lincoln's memory in a way."

Raven is full on crying now, if the tears are any proof, which they must be because aside from that Raven doesn't really seem to be moving. Clarke's certain to produce that many tears you'd have to be visibly sobbing, chest heaving and hyperventilating.

Raven, ever the wildcard, is able to speak relatively clearly, though it is slightly choked.

"Shut up Clarke, I know what you mean. I... I just never even considered guilt." She blinks and looks into blue eyes, "can you believe I have all this advanced spiritual gift shit going on in my head and I never considered one of the most human emotions to exist?"

Clarke furrows her brow, confused by the tears and the utter curiosity in Ravens face right now. "Umm..."

"Even if it is guilt from being with me and thinking he's the one; or being with me, feeling that I'm the one, and feeling guilty for his death, it makes sense. They ended things before he fell and she was there to see him go, what they had was real, Lincoln was real..." she swallows and looks a Clarke a little softly, "her and I, we're real too, Clarke." She whispers.

Clarke nods slowly but surely, she knows deep down it's true. She sees their connection, she sees how they ground each other and guide each other.

Lincoln was real; Lincoln taught Octavia life on the ground, introduced her to love, blossomed her like the sun would a flower, but Raven was home.

Raven taught her how to live.

Clarke has never seen a pair that could bounce so fluidly between easy jibes and soft, passionate devotion. Clarke feels it deep inside and sees it in the two of them each day - Octavia and Raven are two halves of one whole. They're a perfect storm of personality, cursing and good hearts.

Clarke watches Raven a few seconds longer before speaking, thinking through her next words carefully. "The important thing is that you know what she means to you, whether you are soulmates or not, it doesn't matter, all that matters is what you have found in each other. You know that right?"

Raven nods slowly, but before she can answer Clarke says one more thing, "and for the record, I do think you two are the real thing… I've been there, you know," Clarke squeezes Raven against her in a hug, "Just give her time."

"Thanks, Clarke." Raven pulls out of the hug a few seconds later, she lets out a wet chuckle, "Lexa said I had to do the same thing."

Clarke smiles and wipes at her own tears, "Well, she would know, she did the same thing."

They begin to walk back down the hall. Raven seems a little lighter, the dawn of understanding bringing the dark cloud off of her. Clarke's glad she could help and she knows she needs to get Octavia to spill her guts on this next. She knows her well, she knows if she keeps whatever this is all inside she'll break, and she can't have that. She needs Octavia. They need Octavia.

Clarke and Raven don't make it very far before footsteps echo ahead of them and Lexa comes rushing into view.

"Clarke? Are you alright?" Lexa questions, hurrying her pace as Clarke steps forward. "I came as soon as I could get away."

"Yeah. I'm fine, we're fine," Clarke says as she puts her hands on Lexa's waist, like magnets drawn to each other, before she can stop herself, her body closes the distance until she's pressed right against her wife soaking in the comfort of her presence. Hands wrapped around her lithe body and absentmindedly clutching at her like she's keeping her from drowning.

Like she always is.

Lexa embraces her back, hands protectively encompassing her, naturally holding her close and looking from her to Raven questioningly.

Raven, to her credit, bounces back first, "Jesus, you two are gross; Clarke, you really got that emotional that your wife felt it? So much so that she came rushing down here?"

Clarke glares at her from Lexa's side, once, again amazed at Raven's ability to emotionally bare herself and then slap you with the asshole side of her. The resiliency of Raven is always astounding. She's always been constant.

"Everything's fine, Lex," Raven continues, "Your wife's just making me realize I'm an idiot." She claps her on the shoulder as she continues passed them to give them a moment alone with a wink in thanks to Clarke.

"Clarke?" Lexa checks in for confirmation, rubbing her back and making no move to follow Raven just yet.

Clarke smiles against her chest, relishing that Lexa came searching for her once again at the sign of distress, "Everything's okay, just a little heart to heart that went a little deeper than expected."

"I would have come sooner-"

"-You didn't have to come at all."

Clarke feels a hand caress the back of her head pulling her closer, "yet, I always will," ghosts past her ears in a hushed whisper, a promise, a vow she made long ago.

Things are heavy between them still, Clarke riddled with guilt and secrets, paranoia and wondering what Lexa's hiding - knowing that Raven knows something, but still they find their common ground. Difficulties arise, a push and pull exists in every relationship – soulmates or not- and Clarke is grateful they can lean on each other. With everything that's been going on, they've all be struggling with a multitude of things, a lot of it emotional. Things have been hard to deal with while trying to see through sorrow of loss.

They all have to do better. She has to do better.

So she begins to make a plan.

Lexa and her need to hash it all out. They've made small strides but without baring themselves clean of the secrecy they can't move forward, not really.

She also needs to talk to Octavia; she needs to check in beyond their professional relationship, which once again has become the focus of their interaction. This time, she hasn't realized until now, that she wasn't the one driving that, now that she thinks on it, Octavia's the one that's been extra focused on her duties lately - even for her.

However, her previous thought threatens to go out the window when they reach Raven and O's bedroom. They find Octavia and Raven with a little baby Gus cooing between them with-

"You gave him a moustache again?" She exclaims before she sees the added monocle on his left eye. Clarke has to elbow Lexa lightly in the ribs for beginning to laugh at it.

"What?" Lexa exclaims, feigning pain, "Look at that and try to tell me it's not the cutest thing you've ever seen," Lexa lights up and every word brought her closer to the baby before she scooped him up. Gus immediately begins laughing and his tiny fists begin yanking at her braids in his excitement.

And Clarke, powerless against the scene, melts internally as his excitement reflects the buzzing in her chest and the smile on Lexa's face. Full, toothy and stealing Clarke's breath away.

She comes closer and kisses Lexa on the cheek, lips lingering by her ear, "he is pretty cute, but I won't be the one fighting him to wash it out of his nose later."

Lexa laughs and a mischievous glint enters her eyes. "Oh, neither will I," she finished with a smirk and a head tilt at Raven and Octavia, who immediately begin bartering bribes with each other on who will have to deal with the crying baby that will protest their cleaning.

Lexa sits down with Gus and Clarke joins her poking at his tummy and having him kick and giggle as she tickles him. He's cradled in Lexa's arms and Clarke can't stop fucking glowing at the two of them and causing the candles in the room to bloom and flicker bright.

For a moment, worry and doubt, guilt and pain, do go out the window.

This is what it's about, pockets of peace and tranquility, brief moments of solace and safety, warmth and light that make all the darkness in this world worth it.

Moments that remind her life really is about more than just surviving.