Author Notes: Thank you all for reading, commenting, etc. Unfortunately I'm going away tomorrow for one night/two full on days, which means no writing. It may also affect my ability to write when I get home as any break where I'm heavily distracted does impact on my motivation, etc. I hope to be back with you by the weekend, especially as I'm taking Friday off.

Until next time...

"This morning I found out that I'm not pregnant."

Maura leaned back against the chair. When she did the test, she pushed all emotions to one side. Sitting there, opposite her therapist, putting into words the thing she didn't dare speak of, the tears flowed.

"I know Jane's going to be disappointed that we didn't do the test together, but I couldn't. I didn't want to face her, in case this happened."

"I can see this is really provoking a lot of emotion for you," Dr McCallon said, holding out a box of tissues. "What is it about Jane being there that made you feel that way?"

"It's not about Jane." Maura pulled a tissue from the box and clasped her hands over her knee. "It's me. I know trying to get pregnant isn't easy, especially given my age. I left it too long for this to be simple."

"But?"

"But it hurts." She dabbed the tissue against her cheeks, her fingers shook. "I left it too long and now, for the second time, I'm not pregnant. Some people try for years and they don't succeed. I don't have years. I don't want to keep trying if it's going to be this painful every time the test isn't positive."

Dr McCallon smiled briefly. "Last week you told me that Jane is your support network, and that you rely on her for a lot of things. Including being there for you when you're in pain. I understand you don't want to go through this pain, but I wonder, why did you go through it today, alone?"

Maura lowered her gaze, the tears subsided a little. "Many reasons."

"I'm sure you know that this is a safe space, Maura," he said. "We're not in any rush. If you'd like to go through them, one by one, we have time."

"I don't know how to tell Jane that I don't want to try anymore."

"You want to stop trying to get pregnant?"

"Maybe this is nature's way of saying that I am not meant to be a mother," Maura said. "Not everyone is. My career is, and has been, so important to me for a long time. I made a decision to prioritise it. I could have prioritised a family, but I didn't. I can't change that now. I can only go forward."

"How do you feel about that decision?"

"Sad. Disappointed. I wanted to be a mother." She shook her head. "However, I need to look after myself, and the only way I can do that is to find some solace in my decision."

"It sounds like you have discounted other options," Dr McCallon said.

"You mean adoption?"

"Adoption, surrogacy, fostering, there are a multitude of alternatives."

Maura sighed. "I don't know. I have complex feelings around adoption. Alternate options are not simple, and they do not come without their risks. I don't know if I'm willing to go through that, knowing I may still be left without a child."

"So, what you're saying is that you would rather avoid any suffering that may come from attempts to become a mother, in favour of simply not being a mother at all?"

"Yes."

A silence fell between them. Maura stared down at her hands. She had nothing more to say on the matter. Maybe she would in the future, but for now she was left only with the complexity of feelings. She sat back and waited.

"Maura," Dr McCallon said, leaning forward. "You said that there were others reasons for not telling Jane about the test."

"Yes."

"Would you like to expand on some of the other reasons?"

Maura closed her eyes and opened them again, staring deep into his eyes. He was an attractive man, but mostly his warmth was comforting. "I don't know how I feel about Jane."

"What do you mean?"

"We've been friends for a long time. I love her as a friend. I have always seen her as a friend."

Dr McCallon raised an eyebrow. "You said the word friend three times."

"I don't think she's just a friend." Maura pinched the bridge of her nose. "When my biological mother died recently, she kissed me."

"Jane kissed you?"

"Yes. We were sat on my bed, we were talking, and she just kissed me. It was brief, I think she was more shocked than I was."

"She was more shocked?"

"The look in her eyes, I didn't think about it at the time, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it in the last few days. She looked like a deer in the headlights. It was so brief that I almost missed it. Then she was gone."

"Gone?"

"She left the room, she ran away."

"What happened after that?"

"We pretended that nothing happened."

"How did you feel about that?"

"It's Jane. It's what she does. She doesn't deal with situations as they arise, or even afterwards. Unfortunately, I made the situation ten times worse."

"In what way?"

"I kissed her."

"You…kissed Jane?"

Maura nodded. "I was upset. I felt many different emotions and I couldn't handle them all. I was crying. She was stood in front of me and all I wanted to do in that moment was feel close to her."

"So you kissed her?"

"It felt like the right thing to do."

"Does it still feel that way?"

Maura narrowed her eyes. "Yes. If I could go back and do it again, I'd still kiss her."

"How did she react?"

"She told me I was confused, and that I needed time to heal after my mother's death."

"Do you think you were confused?"

"I don't know. I feel so close to Jane, she means a lot to me."

"Does that closeness translate to feelings of a more romantic nature?"

Maura sighed. "I don't know."

"I think you do, Maura," he said, leaning forward. "I think deep down you know how you feel."

"Deep down…I think I could love her, but I don't know if it's real."

"Why don't you know if it's real?"

"We're friends. She has been an important person in my life. I had very little before I met Jane. Now I have a family."

"Are you saying you're scared?"

"Yes, I'm scared. I'm scared that everything that has happened has ruined our friendship. I'm scared that Jane is drifting too far away from me. I'm scared that I have feelings for her, and I'm scared they're not genuine. If they're a gut reaction to Jane kissing me, or I'm sexually frustrated."

"You think you're feeling this way because Jane kissed you?"

"Before she kissed me there was no reason for me to feel anything other than friendship."

"Nothing at all?"

Maura closed her eyes and considered her friendship, she knew deep down that things with Jane had always been different. She had very little to compare it to, but even she knew that their friendship was unlike most others.

"When we first met I thought she had feelings for me."

"Jane had feelings for you?"

"I don't know how real that was, I'm not very experienced at understanding social cues."

"But you thought Jane felt something?"

"I've slept with several different people, I've seen that same look in their eyes. I brushed it off, we didn't even know each other."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I felt…I can't remember how I felt."

"How do you feel looking back on it now?"

"Sad."

"Why?"

"If we were having this conversation several years ago, then maybe there would have been time for us."

"Time for us?"

"Time for Jane and I."

"Time for what?"

Maura frowned. "To be together. To have a family."

Dr McCallon tilted his head to one side. "Do you think you would have liked to have been in a relationship with her several years ago?"

"I don't," Maura paused. "I don't know why I said that. I mean, I suppose if we did fall for each other."

"You said that if we'd been having this conversation years ago, then maybe you and Jane would have time to be together. What about now?"

"We're in very different places now."

"What changed?"

"Nothing changed, Jane just stopped looking at me like that. We got to know each other, and we became friends."

"Yet you've just explained to me that you and Jane, on separate occasions, have instigated a kiss. What brought you to that place?"

"Jane recently revealed to me that she is gay."

Dr McCallon raised an eyebrow. "How do you feel about that?"

"What am I supposed to feel about it? I am thankful that Jane is able to be honest with herself."

"And are you able to be honest with yourself?"

"What would I need to be honest with myself about?"

"How it makes you feel knowing that Jane is open to a relationship with a woman."

"I just want Jane to be happy."

"How open do you feel to a relationship with another woman?"

"I," Maura frowned. "I don't know. I have always appreciated people as individuals."

"Have your relationships solely been with men?"

"No."

"You answered that very quickly," he said.

"I have only had brief relationships with women, on three separate occasions. Not one resulted in a physical relationship."

Dr McCallon leaned back in his seat. "Bearing that in mind, how do you feel about Jane being open to a relationship with a woman?"

"I hadn't considered what that meant to me," Maura said.

"And now?"

"Now, I don't know. Sometimes I think about what it would be like."

"It?"

"To be with her." Maura frowned. "I've dreamed about us together, sexually."

"How did that make you feel?"

Maura smiled, her lips curved at the edges. "I felt the lightest, and the happiest, I have in a long time."

"What does that tell you?"

Maura sighed and shook her head. "It's too complicated for me to immediately assume that that can be translated into a relationship with the only person I can rely on."

"It sounds like the one thing stopping you from moving forward with this, is fear."

"No," Maura said. "I don't know want to ruin things between us, of course I don't. Everything I've said, it doesn't mean that I'm willing and able to commit to a relationship with her. Nor does it mean that Jane is ready for that, either."

"Okay," Dr McCallon said. "I think we've perhaps covered enough for today. There's a lot there for you to go away and think about. Maybe next week we can pick up this same conversation."

x

Jane was in the shower when Frankie shouted through the apartment. She could hear his voice under the water hitting the shower walls. Jane rinsed her hair and shut off the water. Wrapping herself up in a towel, she opened the door to her bedroom to find Frankie with his back to her.

"Get out of my room, you jerk."

Frankie turned, his eyes bugged, then he twisted back around again. "Sorry, didn't realise you'd be half naked."

"I said get out," she shouted, pushing his back until he started walking towards the door.

"I'm going, I'm going," he muttered, closing the door behind him.

She soaked up the water from her skin and slipped on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. She wrapped her dripping curls up in a towel and squeezed as much water out of them as possible. Laying the towel around her shoulders, she went out into the living room.

"What you doing here, Frankie?" she asked, heading straight for the fridge. The six pack inside softened her mood. "Thanks for the beer."

"Thought we could have one before we go."

Jane took two, closed the door, and cracked the lids. She handed one to Frankie. "Go where?"

"Ma wanted me to take you to some bar."

"Which bar?"

"It's called Heat."

"Never heard of it."

"Me neither," he said. "She gave me an address. Apparently we need to spend more time together."

"Ha." Jane rolled her eyes. "As if I don't see enough of you at work."

"It might be fun." Frankie drank from his bottle. "We can be each other's wingmen."

"Wing woman."

"Whatever, Jane," he said. "You up for it?"

x

Entering the bar, Jane's eyes landed on a tall man wearing a dress, wig, and heavy makeup. Behind him, two men were sat arm in arm, and a couple of women were kissing. Jane rolled her eyes. She knew exactly what kind of place they were in and she did not appreciate it one bit.

"Is Ma trying to tell me something, or you?" Frankie asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jane shrugged. "Didn't you check up on this place before we came?"

"Why would I?" he asked. "I didn't expect Ma to send us to a gay bar."

"She's Ma," Jane said.

Frankie smiled at the drag queen and found a seat at the bar, Jane sat down beside him, her eyes fixed on everything around her. The place was full of people in various states of dress – from men in high heels, to women in tailored suits, to people who looked like they'd transitioned.

"Two beers," Frankie said, his eyes landed on a tall, dark and handsome man.

The bartender leaned forward. "You're new."

"Err, yeah," he said.

The man looked him up and down. "Bi?"

"We only just got here," Frankie said.

"No," he said. "Are you bisexual?"

"Oh. No, straight."

"Shame," he muttered and disappeared behind the bar to retrieve their beers.

"Do I look bi?" Frankie asked, staring at Jane.

She shrugged. "Don't look at me."

"Why are we here, Jane?"

"Like I said, don't look at me."

The bartender placed the beers on the counter and Frankie handed over a bill. Jane focused her attention on the bottle, on the cool liquid as it travelled down her throat. When she placed it down again, she stared straight ahead.

"I'm gay, Frankie."

"Haha, very funny," he said, smirking.

She turned to face him, her expression serious. "Not funny."

"What?" He stared at her, his bottle still in hand. "Since when?"

"Since always," she said. He was still watching her as she focused her attention on her drink.

"You're nearly forty, shouldn't you be doing this twenty years ago? What about all the guys you've dated?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "I let myself believe I was straight."

"Why now?"

"Why not now?"

Frankie smiled and placed a hand on her wrist. "You know I'll love you no matter what, right?"

"I know," she said, bashing his shoulder with her own.

"So, Ma wants you to meet women?" he asked.

"Something like that."

"What do you say we find some women?"

Jane raised an eyebrow. "This is too weird. You can't be my wingman."

"Why not?" He shrugged. "You got any makeup in your purse?"

Jane held up the small clutch purse on the bar. "Some eyeliner."

"That'll do."

He took the purse and walked across the room. After a brief conversation with a woman behind the bar, he disappeared into the crowd. When he returned a few moments later, he sat back down, his eyes surrounded by a thick, black, and not very neatly drawn, line. Jane laughed.

"Don't," he said.

"I'm sorry," she replied. "But you look ridiculous."

"I know." He rolled his eyes. "I couldn't get it to go on right."

"That's because you don't wear it."

"Now I know why, this stuff is hard to put on."

"Oh sweetie," one of the drag queens said, as she approached. "Who did your makeup?"

"He did it himself," Jane said, still laughing.

"Come here," she said, and grasped Frankie's hand. He rolled his eyes and followed her across the room.

When Frankie returned, his makeup was neater, subtle. His hair had been restyled. Jane raised an eyebrow. If she didn't know any better, and he'd been in different clothing, he'd have passed as a women.

"Thank you, Tallulah," he said, handing over a bill.

"Anytime, sweetie," she said, slipping the note into her bra and walking away.

"What have you done?" Jane asked, her eyes wide.

"Is it that bad?"

"No," Jane said. "That's the problem."

"Tallulah is amazing," Frankie said he turned to where she stood talking to a gay couple across the room. "She did this in like five minutes. Took me longer to get the eyeliner off with a stupid wipe."

"Why exactly did you feel like going drag tonight?"

"Maybe I can pass off as a better wing woman," he said. "Call me Francesca."

"I am not calling you Francesca," Jane said.

x

"I need to go home," Jane said, holding a hand to her head. She'd drunk too much, the music was still blaring and she wanted her bed.

"A few more min…minutes," Frankie said, his back to Jane as he leaned towards the women he'd been chatting to. "My sister, she's the one scowling at me."

"Oi," she shouted, whacking him on the arm.

"See what, what I gotta p, put up with?" He rested a hand on her wrist. "She thinks you're cute."

"I did not say cute," Jane muttered.

"Wanna give her…your number?"

The woman leaned forward, her lips inches from his ear. "I'd rather have yours."

Frankie sat back, his eyes open wide, then narrowed. "But I don't like ladies. I mean, I like ladies, but not your kind of ladies."

"What I really love," she said, scrawling her number on a slip of paper. "Is men who aren't afraid of a bit of makeup. Call me."

She pressed her lips to his cheek and walked away, waving as she disappeared into the crowd. Frankie turned back to Jane, a grin on his face, as he clutched the paper.

"Think, thu, think I hit the jackpot."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I need to go home, I can't stay awake."

"Okay," Frankie said, standing up then sitting back down. "Think I need an arm."

Jane sighed and slipped an arm around his waist, helping him to his feet. "You're an idiot."

"No, you're an id, an idi, one of those things."

Half dragging, half carrying Frankie across the room, Jane rolled her eyes at a couple of men practically assaulting each other's mouths. "Get a room."

"We're in one," one said, pulling away.

The other man's eyes landed on Jane's. She stared at him, open mouthed, as she let go of Frankie. He toppled over onto the floor.

"Had a bit too much to drink?" Kent asked, his thick Scottish accent travelled through the air as between them they helped Frankie to his feet.

"A bit," Jane said, never taking her eyes off him. "So, you're into guys?"

"A bit," he said, smirking. "Don't tell Maura, yeah?"

"Why not?"

"I don't want her to see me differently."

"Okay." Shifting Frankie's body weight from Kent to Jane, she clutched him tightly. "Come on, Francesca, it's home time."

"Wait," Frankie said, as Jane stumbled toward the exit, pulling Frankie along beside her. "Was, was that Maura's Kent?"

"Was what Kent?"

"That man."

"Which man? You're drunk."

"He looked j, just like him."

"That's called beer goggles, Frankie."

"Kent googles," he said, laughing.

"Yeah," Jane muttered. "That's real funny."