BEFORE YOU ASK… NO!

These are questions you're going to ask because we all asked them at some point about vampires, if we're being honest. It is important that you know the answer to these questions is definitely 'no.' So here's what you need to know is not worth knowing.

Question One: Can I turn into a bat?

Baz is typing today because Simon is feeling a bit piss today. He is cuddling inside of a heating blanket, not yet acclimated to his dropping body temperature, and slurping his chow mein noodles. Simon has a growing weak spot for Chinese food. Baz thinks it is just because Chinese is close and it means he doesn't have to go outside.

"We don't know that for sure." Simon grumbles when Baz reads what he's typed into the brochure. Baz never looked into the possibility because he wouldn't know where to even start looking in the first place. Even if it were somewhere in a text saying how to do it – Baz isn't sure that it would be due to his being a vampire so much as his manipulation of magic.

Simon leans his head over onto Baz's shoulder and sighs; "You know that turning into a bat is magic."

"I know, but it's not impossible." Simon whines.

"Vampires by themselves cannot turn into bats. And there are only two vampires that I know of that are also warlocks, Simon. This information has to be relevant to the majority of people reading it." Simon whimpers but doesn't argue. So Baz moves onto the next question to which one simply says 'no.'

Question Two: What about flying?

Again, magic only. Pretty simply, right?

Question Three: Will the sun burn me to a crisp?

This is something Simon had been hung up on for years. Before his misguided feelings for Baz came to a turning point during his suicidal tantrum, Simon purposely tried exposing him as a vampire – all the time. It was more than a hobby. Simon Snow's entire magical career apparently was banking on him outing Baz as a vampire.

It would have gotten him killed too, so it's good that nobody believed him all those years.

One of Simon's tactics was to open the curtains each morning, let the sun shine right through the window onto his bed. The sun irritates Baz, sure enough, but it will do nothing to him. Vampires avoid the sun on the simple principle that the sun won't tan the skin – or burn it – so it's sort of hard to explain to others why that is happening without saying "I am an undead vampire, so my cells are incapable of soaking up the radiation."

Simon hates when Baz says that, though, or even jokes. He insists that Baz is very much alive even though he's also dead. To Simon Snow it's one's actions and feelings that define whether or a not an individual is living.

Baz both loves and hates that part of him.

Question Four: Do we glitter?

That is a question that shouldn't even be included, but Simon insists that they list it. He doesn't want anyone ever actually uttering that question out loud. Baz doesn't particularly care to hear this either, which is why there's no conversation on the matter. It is being listed.

Question Five: Am I immortal?

Baz knows for sure he's not immortal. The fortune that he has is that he went to Watford - a school of magic that educated him on various events in magical history which resulted in the deaths of hundreds vampires. There are dozens ways to kill people like him. In spite of this being true, a vampire's life span is lengthy in comparison to humans. The whole 'immortality' thing a bit of an exaggeration…

"That covers it, don't you think?" Baz asks his boyfriend, whom is starting to softly snore. The blanket burrito next to him is radiating a heat that would make nearly anyone else uncomfortable. Good thing for Baz, then, that his family is innately skilled with fire magic. Heat? Flames? None of it bothers him.

Five questions for this section feels more than sufficient. Simon is the one who suggests adding a few more. Since pamphlets are meant to be informative, Baz just starts typing up other inquiries he's sure will come up at one points or another.

Question Six: Do I only drink blood now?

Question Seven: Can I have children?

Question Eight: Will garlic kill me?

Question Nine: Will a cross keep me away?

Question Ten: So I can't see my reflection now?

"You sure know a ton of stupid vampire questions, Baz." Simon mumbles, rolling around to press his face into the couch cushion. Seeking warmth from anything, a sniffle forcibly reminds him just how cold he's getting. This is not something Baz ever had to go through, not in a way that he would remember. The protective side of him wants to coo and cuddle Simon, promising everything is going to be all right each passing second. Being cold isn't all that bad; he would lie to Simon with gross comfort.

"I got them from your diary, Snow." Baz laughs. He obviously didn't get any of those questions from Simon at all. Some of them were dumb questions he asked himself once he knew what was 'wrong' with him. Others are ridiculous notions he's seen in movies and books that explore vampire mythology. Or lore, as some of the sources calls it. Or, you know, history! BECAUSE VAMPIRES ARE REAL?!

Simon doesn't respond at this point. The jab is lackluster anyway so Baz doesn't attempt to rile up his essentially incapacitated companion. Guilt lurks in the back of his mind as it is, so there's no desire to maintain the usual atmosphere of sarcasm and suggestive insults. None of this would be happening had he not accidentally bitten Simon. None of this would be an issue right now if it weren't for his inability to control himself.

Months ago when he kissed Simon for the first time – he assured himself he would never bite Simon. He was confident that he could never hurt him (even though he certainly did hurt him a number of times, before he was accepted his feelings). Now he isn't sure he was ever sincere in those thoughts. He spent so long lying to the boy he loved that he got too comfortable lying to himself.

And now Simon Snow is paying the price for his ignorance.

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