Author Notes: Thank you for the comments and thoughts on the last chapter, lots of response, which was nice to see. I go away this afternoon until Monday so, as I said before, it might take a little longer to get another chapter up. But I think you'll be okay with that...
The front door shut, Maura listened to the footsteps on the staircase and waited until Cailin's bedroom door closed. She placed her book down on the bedside table and walked out into the hallway. She hovered by the door, about to knock, when Cailin opened it again.
"Maura." She jumped back. "Sheesh, you scared me."
"I'm sorry." Maura stared at her. "Jane has feelings for me."
"What? I knew it!" Cailin said. "What happened? How did you find out?"
"I asked her."
"Jeez, Maur, I never thought you'd do that."
Cailin stepped backwards and held her arm out to the room. Maura walked inside and perched on the edge of the dressing table stool. Cailin sat down opposite, on the end of the bed.
"Tell me everything."
"It just happened," Maura said. "We were having a disagreement and she kept asking me if I was jealous."
"Jealous of what?"
"Her kissing her ex-girlfriend."
"She kissed her ex-girlfriend? When? Why? Are they back together?"
Maura sighed. "That's a lot of questions. It happened this morning. She's married, so it's doubtful they'll get back together."
"Where does that leave you? Did you tell her how you feel?"
"No."
She felt regret. She'd missed an opportunity to explore her feelings with Jane further. There was little she could do about it now. The moment had passed, and she still felt utterly confused. She felt deeply for Jane, she always had.
"Oh." Cailin frowned. "Why not?"
"I didn't know what to say." Maura pinched the bridge of her nose then glanced back up at Cailin. "What if I only feel this way because Jane does? What if it's not real? She's my best friend, and her coming out as gay has really thrown me off centre."
Cailin rolled her eyes. "That doesn't make your feelings any less real."
"It's strange," Maura said. "To think of Jane that way. I haven't had a relationship in such a long time, I've barely kissed anyone, let alone been intimate. Maybe I'm just projecting some sexual attraction onto Jane because I'm frustrated?"
"You think you're sexually frustrated?"
"It's possible."
"Do you really think that's true, Maura? She's Jane. Why would your feelings not be real?"
"I don't know." Maura sighed. "She kissed me first. She put the idea into my head when neither of us had considered it."
"That doesn't make it untrue."
"It doesn't make it accurate, either." Maura sat upright. She'd thought about it over and over, mulling the possibility in her mind until she got sick of the sound of her own thoughts. She tired herself out doubting herself. "I'm scared. What if this is everything, but what if it's nothing? What if this is what I need? What if it's going to make life better? What if it's the one thing that is going to ruin everything?"
"You've said more what ifs in the last few minutes than I've ever heard from you, Maura. You don't do that, it's not you."
"Maybe it is," she said, crossing her leg over her knee and clasping her hands together. "Maybe I've always just hidden away my true self?"
"Now you're doubting your whole person?" Cailin asked, glaring at her.
"Not my whole person, just certain aspects of my personality." Maura frowned. "I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm doing things, and saying things that don't fit who I am. I'm ruining everything by behaving this way, yet I don't know how to stop it. I've never felt like this before. Not even when I was with Ian. But the way I'm acting is emulate of how I was when I was with him. I found it harder to be honest, especially with Jane."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It was complicated. To explain Ian meant to explain so much more than him. I liked the idea of him being mine, and only mine. I didn't want to have to share that with anyone."
"Are you saying you don't want to share Jane?"
"I'm saying it's…complicated. Jane doesn't come on her own, she comes with a house of baggage and family that take up just as much space. How can I still be me when I feel like I don't know who that is anymore? It's frightening enough thinking about Jane, without the complication of her whole family."
Cailin leaned back against the bed. "You are who you are, you've always seemed so sure of yourself. Why is this getting you so flustered? Why does Jane's family matter so much? This is about you and Jane, nobody else."
Maura pursed her lips and lowered her gaze. She stared down at her feet. "Jane and I have been so close for such a long time. I was always scared of what would happen if one, or both, of us found someone. It's been the two of us for several years and I became used to that. I thought I was okay with Jane being in a relationship, it would mean she'd be happy and I want her to be happy. I'd give up everything I have with her if she could just be happy. She's not had true happiness in all of the time that I've known her. This changes everything. Jane and I, we get along so well. We argue and we laugh and we make each other happy. Being together, in that way, changes what we have now. I don't want it to change. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to lose her family."
"You don't have to lose her, or her family. You live with her mother. Things may not stay the same, but things never stay the same."
"What if Jane is everything I've been waiting for?" Maura asked, tears pricked at the edges of her eyes. "My whole life all I've ever wanted is to feel like I belong, to have a home, to have a family, to have someone to love. Jane has given me most of that, what if she can give me the rest?"
"I don't know what the problem is," Cailin said. "Go and tell her how you feel."
"I don't know if that's how I feel." Maura sighed. "I want it to be. I feel…something. But I keep coming back to what if it's not real?"
"You don't know unless you try."
"Which is how this could be destroyed so easily, Cailin," she said. "I don't want to tell her I have feelings for her unless I'm sure."
"Oh honey." Cailin reached for her hand and grasped it between them. "That might never happen."
"Then what do I do?"
"I don't know. I've been in one serious relationship; I'm not qualified to help."
Maura reclaimed her fingers and turned away. Comfort was futile, she didn't deserve to be comforted, or supported through this. She'd hurt Jane by not being honest, and now she was hurting herself, too. She needed to do something, even if it didn't make sense to anyone else.
"I said I'd go on another date with Chad," she said.
"The man you went on a date with before you came to England?"
"Yes. He invited me out for dinner."
"Why did you say yes?"
"I don't know," she said. "The only reason we didn't work out was because I was unsure if I was pregnant. Maybe I need to see what it feels like to explore things with him further. Maybe it can help me to clarify what I feel for Jane."
x
"Get me a beer," Jane said, lowering herself onto a stool at the bar of the Dirty Robber.
Angela stood in front of her, her eyes fixed on Jane's, a look of judgement spread across her face. "A please would be nice."
"Please," Jane replied.
"That's more like it." She leaned against the bar, still looking at Jane.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Why aren't you getting me a beer?"
"You look like you've had enough." Angela raised an eyebrow. "Smell like it too."
"So?"
"You know the rules here, Jane. I can refuse service."
"I'm your darling daughter who will one day provide you with grandchildren." Jane sighed, remembering that at that very moment she could be carrying said grandchild. In the walk over to the bar, she was too angry and upset by her conversation with Maura that she'd momentarily forgotten the biggest thing to happen to her that day. "I'll have a coke."
"That's more like it." Angela poured her a coke and disappeared behind the bar. She placed a tshirt beside the glass. "Put that on, there's some spray in my bag in the backroom."
"Thanks, Ma," Jane said, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. She picked up the shirt and went into the back to change it. It was only midday but the lack of sleep was beginning to catch up on her. She returned to her seat and sipped on her coke.
After serving a couple of customers, Angela placed a bowl of fries on the bar. "Eat them."
"Free food?"
"Customer didn't want them, says he wants them without salt. I told him we don't do them without salt."
"The salt's the best bit," Jane said, tossing a couple into her mouth. "They taste so good."
"What's going on, Janie?"
"Wha' d' ya mean?"
"You come in here stinking like a fourth of July barbecue at your dad's brothers, it's the middle of the day and by the bags under your eyes, I'd say you haven't slept. You also look like somebody took away your toys."
"I do not."
"Jane," Angela said, leaning closer. "Stop doing the Jane thing, talk to your mother."
"There's nothing to say," she said. "Me and Maura got into a fight and I've ruined everything."
"What did you do?"
"Why do you assume it's something I did?"
"Well, was it?"
"Only because she pushed me. She made me tell her I have feelings for her."
"What?" Angela's face lit up, then quickly faded. "Wait, you're not happy. Why isn't that making you happy?"
"Nothing happened, Ma. I told her, she didn't say anything, now everything's ruined."
"Don't be so melodramatic, sweetie. Maybe she just needs time."
"Everything is a mess," Jane said, folding her arms and burrowing her face against them. "Why did I have to come out?"
Angela rested a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Everything isn't a mess. It's going to be okay."
x
"I'm glad you agreed to come for a nightcap," Chad said, resting his hand on the base of Maura's spine as she walked through the door to his home. He pulled off her jacket and hung it up by the door. Leading the way, Maura followed Chad into the lounge and sat down. "Sherry?"
"Please," she said, clasping her hands over her knee. The evening was pleasant and the attraction that Maura had felt the first time they went out was still there, though she wasn't entirely sure it was anything of significance.
Chad passed her a glass and sat down beside her, his fingers trailed across her knee. She stared down at the physical touch of his skin against her own. All night she'd been trapped between her date and thoughts of Jane, a tangled mess of confusion. They sat in silence, sipping their drinks until Maura's was empty.
"God, I've wanted to do this for weeks," Chad whispered, removing her glass from her hand and thrusting his tongue between her lips. Maura responded slowly, taken aback by the dramatic way in which Chad showed his affection.
She closed her eyes and settled into a slower, more methodical embrace. The lips were coarser than Jane's, Chad's upper lip coated with bristles that itched her skin. Maura felt his body press against her and she lay back against the couch.
"You're beautiful," he muttered, his lips trailing across her chin and over her collarbone. Maura tried to focus but she felt a little claustrophobic, trapped between the couch cushions and the broad shoulders above her. His hand dropped down across her breast, squeezing a little too hard before travelling down to her thigh.
When he pinched her skin, Maura wriggled and groaned. Her detest at his actions didn't seem to compute and he continued his assault of her skin. The alcohol on his breath lingered, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.
"No," she said, pressing her hands harder against his shoulders until he sat upright. Maura took the opportunity to stand up. "I need to go."
He ignored her words, silencing her with another kiss. Maura closed her eyes and all she could see was Jane, all she could feel was Jane pressed against her until she pushed Chad away again.
"I can't do this. I'm sorry."
He stepped back, his chest heaving with shallow breath. He glanced down at the bulge in his pants and glared up at her. "What the hell, Maura? What do you expect me to do about this?"
Maura sighed. "I don't know, but I can't help you. I need to go."
She headed for the exit, her jacket abandoned on the hook as she pulled open the wooden door. A hand dropped down around her upper arm. Maura turned, a fury burning inside at his roughness.
"Please don't go," he said. "We were having an amazing time. I thought you wanted this. I thought we could be together."
"I didn't promise you anything," she replied. "I thought maybe, but now that we're here, it's not going to work out."
"You're letting me down, Maura."
She rolled her eyes. "The only person letting you down is yourself."
"What gives you that idea?"
"Your grip on my arm for starters," she said, unwrapping his fingers. "Maybe if you treated women with a little more respect, they might be more interested. On this occasion, that's second to my feelings for someone else."
"Who?"
"That's none of your business." Maura picked up her jacket and turned around in the doorway. "Goodbye, Chad."
x
Jane woke up on the couch in her apartment sometime after eleven. The moon shone through the window lighting the room in a dull light. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, bending her back to remove the niggle that settled there at some point while she was asleep.
"Stupid ass couch," she muttered, pressing hard against her muscles. She stood up and trailed across the room toward the bedroom.
Halfway across the apartment, a light tapping against the door pulled her attention away. Jane sighed and trailed back to the front door. She glanced through the peep hole. On seeing Maura, her heart tossed and turned. She paused, not sure what best to do. It was late, and they were still in the middle of some sort of argument. She tapped again. Jane stared through the hole, the sadness on Maura's face made her feel sad. She pulled open the door and stared into her downturned eyes.
"What are you doing here?"
"I needed to see you," Maura said, hovering on the other side of the door.
"Why? It's late. I need to sleep."
Maura cleared her throat. "I won't be long. I'm sorry that I've been so distant lately, I've been trying to come to terms with everything that's been happening recently. Losing Hope is not something I thought would have such a monumental effect on me, turning forty hit me harder than I ever expected, and you coming out really threw me a soft ball."
"Curve ball?" Jane asked, her brow creased.
"That's the one." Maura's eyes filled with tears, glistening under the light of the moon. Jane thought to turn on the light but she didn't want to move. She didn't want to stop looking at Maura in case she disappeared, in case it was all some elaborate dream. "I didn't realise that you had feelings for me. I didn't know that we had that kind of relationship."
"What kind of relationship?" Jane shrugged. "We're friends, I know that. I didn't mean to fuck everything up."
"You didn't," Maura said, stepping closer, her eyes fixed on Jane's. "You haven't ruined anything."
"Feels pretty fucking messy to me," Jane said, kicking the floor with her bare toes. She averted her gaze, trying to pretend that Maura wasn't staring at her. She hated what had happened over the last few days, how messy everything had become.
"No, Jane," Maura said.
She lifted her head the second Maura's fingers touched her neck, could feel her thumbs against the side of her throat as she swallowed. Skin to skin a tingling sensation travelled down Jane's spine. She stared into her eyes, then down at her lips. The desire to kiss her overwhelmed her, she wanting nothing more than to capture her lips and make them her own.
"It's not ruined, it's not a mess," Maura said. "Tonight I went out with Chad, and I was going to have sex with him."
A desire to throw up the last of her hangover pushed Jane backward. She stopped as her thighs hit the couch and half sat, half stood against it. Maura crossed the threshold.
"I'm sorry. That came out wrong. I don't want to hurt you; I didn't tell you that to hurt you."
She couldn't find any words to respond, everything caught in the back of her throat, leaving her with an ache. Jane returned her gaze to Maura's, desperate to hear what she had to say next, yet fearful of what was to come.
"I needed to know what it felt like to be with a man, to be with someone who wasn't you. I needed to try, to check if what I feel is real or if it's something that's come out of nowhere because you kissed me in Oxford."
"I shouldn't have done that," Jane said, finding her voice. She hated herself for saying that, she didn't mean it. She didn't regret that kiss, even if it did lead to such a confusing few months. "I didn't want this to happen."
"What didn't you want to happen, Jane?" Maura's eyes creased. "Us?"
"No. Yes." Jane sighed. "I want to be with you. I just don't want us to be broken. I don't wanna lose you."
"You're not going to lose me. Whatever happens, I will always be your friend."
"Did you go out with Chad because of Gabriele?"
The crease between Maura's eyebrows deepened. "Maybe. I won't deny that knowing you kissed someone else influenced my decision."
"I promise you, Maura, that it didn't mean anything. It could have done, if I wasn't so caught up in how I feel about you. If she wasn't married. I don't know why I stayed out all night. In hindsight, it was stupid of me. She said it was okay with her wife but if I'd been married to her I'd have hated her being out with me. I needed an escape. I needed to forget about the world for a while, to forget about you."
"You had every right to go out with her, it's your life, Jane and I can't influence it. I have no right."
"I wish you did." Jane let out a loud groan. "God, this is too hard. I can't do this, Maura. I can't be here with you when we both know how this ends. You're into men, I've known it from the start."
Maura frowned. "Do we? I didn't go out with Chad because I wanted to be with him. My relationships may have mostly been with men, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to anything else. I went out with Chad tonight because I've never been so confused in all of my dating years, not even with the three women I had very brief relationships with."
The air disappeared from Jane's lungs. "You've been with women?"
"I have."
"Why didn't I know about that?"
"There's nothing to say," Maura said. "Nothing really happened with them."
"Oh."
"I had a hypothesis about where my recent confusion has come from, Chad was a theory I needed to play out."
"What conclusion did you reach?"
"I definitely don't want to be with Chad," Maura said, closing the gap. She reached out to Jane's hands and lifted them up between them. "You're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. This, everything, scares me right now. I want to answer your questions, I want to be completely honest, but I know that when I do that's it, there's no going back."
Jane swallowed, her throat still painful. Regret and disappointment filled her, a sense of foreboding trapped her in the moment. "Please don't."
"I have feelings for you too."
Choking on a breath, Jane gasped at the air, trying to refocus her breathing and reclaim oxygen. She stared at Maura, her mouth open, her eyes bugged. Of all of the things she expected Maura to say, that sentence was not even in the top ten. She stared down at her mouth, at the lips she'd thought about kissing almost every day since their first kiss in Oxford. She inched forward, cupping Maura's cheeks, clawing at her skin.
"Please tell me you're not just saying that, please let this be real. I am so tired right now."
"I promise you, it's real."
"I don't know what I'd do if you're just saying that, I don't want to wake up and this all be a dream."
"I'm not, Jane. You're not dreaming." She brushed her palm across her cheek, spreading fresh tears across her skin. "I want to be with you. All I've wanted to do since leaving Chad is kiss you."
The moonlight created shadows the second Jane moved forward, her face shrouding Maura's in darkness. Her hands moved up around her cheeks, pulling her closer as she navigated in the darkness. Jane closed her eyes as she turned her face to one side, the brief brush of Maura's nose against her cheek and she adjusted her face until she felt her lips beneath her own. The soft, slightly coated lips, merged with her own mouth, slow and steady. The scent she'd come to know and love as Maura's tickled her senses. Maura's hands came down across the back of Jane's neck and they held each other in place, mouth to mouth, hand to face.