"I can't believe you thought our waitress was straight," Zoë said as she walked through the front door of the Cardinal house.
"She was!" Rasha followed behind.
"Nuh uh, totally gay." She placed her keys on the hook by the front door.
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because my gaydar never misses."
"Didn't you say that the reason why you tried to set me up with Winston was because you didn't know I was gay?" Rasha folded her arms.
"Well, at first I thought you were gay, but then Goldi said Muslims can't be gay, so I doubted myself."
"And what do you think now?"
She took a step towards Rasha and grabbed her hips. "That you're extremely gay."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." She leaned in and kissed her girlfriend.
Ms. Cardinal's heels clacked on the wood floor at the bottom of the stairs, startling Zoë and Rasha. They quickly pulled away.
"Sorry girls, I didn't mean to interrupt. I was just on my way out to meet up with some co-workers of mine."
Zoë nodded. "Um, Ms. Cardinal, this is Rasha. My…girlfriend."
"Hey Rasha, it's nice to finally meet you."
"You too." They shook hands.
"I hope it's okay that I brought her over," Zoë said nervously.
"Of course it is. You're welcome to come over any time Rasha." She smiled at the girls. "Well, I better get going. Have a good night," she said before walking out the front door.
"She seems cool," Rasha said.
"She is." Zoë smiled.
Grace hopped down the stairs. "I thought I heard you guys come in. Did you enjoy your date?"
"We did," Zoë said as she looked at Rasha.
"Did you bring me back some food?"
"Duh." Zoë handed her a Styrofoam to-go box.
"Sweet." Grace grabbed the box and walked over to the kitchen.
"I'm going to go to the bathroom," Rasha said, smiling at Zoë before walking away.
Zoë walked into the kitchen and sat down at the island.
Grace took a fork from the silverware drawer before pushing it shut. "So, where did you guys do it this time?" She leaned over the island across from Zoë as she took a bite of her pasta.
Zoë raised an eyebrow and cocked her head to one side. "Do what?"
"I mean, you guys obviously had sex." She shoveled another forkful of pasta into her mouth.
"Why do you say that?"
She gave Zoë a knowing look. "Zoë, I can smell it."
"Nuh uh!" She began to frantically sniff her shirt.
Grace shook her head. "So, are you going to spill or what?"
"Fine. We did it in the backseat of my car."
"Kinky." She took another bite of pasta. "Your car is tiny though."
"Tell me about it." She rubbed the side of her neck, massaging the sore muscle.
"So what's the plan for tonight?"
"We're going to watch High School Musical. Do you want to watch it with us?"
"Sure. I've never seen it before though."
"Well, you're in for a treat then!" Zoë said excitedly. "This is going to be so much fun!" She squealed.
"Yay," Grace said, a little less enthused.
Zoë and Rasha sang simultaneously, "No no no! Stick to the stuff you know! If you wanna be cool follow one simple rule don't mess with the flow no no! Stick to the status quo!" The girls looked at each other and laughed.
Grace pressed her fingers hard against her temples. "Okay, I can't take this anymore." She got up off the couch. "Sorry guys. I tried. As much fun as it is to watch high school students magically perform perfectly synchronized song and dance routines, I have better things to do." She grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl in Zoë's lap and walked towards the stairs.
"But don't you want to know if Troy and Gabriella end up together?" Zoë asked.
"Not really," she said as she continued up the stairs.
"Your loss!" Zoë shouted.
Rasha ate some popcorn and smiled at Zoë.
"What?" Zoë chuckled.
"I like this. Sitting here, watching this with you. Singing along to perfectly synchronized song and dance routines," she nudged Zoë's elbow.
Zoë giggled. "Yeah well, I figured we could finally watch this movie together since we missed it for our first date," she said only half teasing.
Rasha's face softened in guilt. "I'm sorry about that. I should've just walked out of The Dot and met up with you. But instead I was so worried about what Baaz would say. It's so stupid now."
"It's okay. To be honest, I would've just spent the whole night thinking about kissing you and being too afraid to do so."
"You mean like this?" Rasha leaned in and softly kissed Zoë's lips for a quick second before pulling away.
Zoë smiled. "Like that."
Rasha smiled back before taking some more popcorn. "So, did you have a huge crush on Gabriella when you were younger like I did?" She put a piece of popcorn in her mouth.
"Actually, I had a crush on Troy. But looking back now, I don't think it was a real crush. I think I just liked him because I was supposed to."
"That makes sense. It's hard to figure out what you really like when we're told our whole lives that we're supposed to find a prince charming who will sweep us off our feet."
"Yeah, exactly. Nobody said I was going to find a princess charming." Her mouth curved into a soft smile.
Rasha smiled. "You're the real princess here. High maintenance and everything."
"Hey!" Zoë hit Rasha's knee. Both girls laughed for a few seconds before going silent. "So, you never told me your coming out story." She set the popcorn bowl down on the coffee table and turned to Rasha, giving her full attention.
"It's not all that exciting."
"Oh come on. I wanna hear it." She nudged Rasha's arm. "How did you know that you liked girls?"
"Well, I guess ever since I was really young I always wanted to be around girls more than boys. Not that I never had friends that were boys, but it was just different. For me, being around boys was simple and easy. But being around girls was exciting. It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I realized I was romantically attracted to girls."
"What made you realize that?" Zoë asked attentively.
She thought about it for a moment. "I was watching an Arab movie with one of my friends. I think he thought it was a date, but I had no idea he even liked me in that way. He kept trying to hold my hand and stuff, but I didn't want to. Eventually I got so annoyed that I snapped at him and told him I was trying to watch the movie. He got mad at me and told me that I was more interested in watching the girl on the screen than talking to him. I'm sure he only said it to get to me, but in that moment I thought to myself, 'He's right.' That's when I realized that I was always watching girls more than boys. After that, I starting noticing things about myself. Things that I never really thought about before. Like how I would always want to hug my girl friends for a little longer than I probably should have. Or how I would always find excuses to hold their hands." She paused. "Then I met Rima."
"Rima?" Zoë interjected.
"She was this girl at my school. She was so pretty. She had long, dark hair and light brown eyes. We had one class together and I sat next to her. Every day on my way to class I would get really nervous because I knew I was going to see her. My palms would get all sweaty and my heart would beat so fast that I felt like I was going to pass out. Whenever she would talk to me I'd get butterflies in my stomach. I never felt that around anyone, especially not around boys. I would spend the whole class just watching her, and I never got bored. That's when I knew for sure that I liked girls."
"So what happened to her?"
"Well, she eventually moved away. I never told her how I felt, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways. She had a boyfriend."
Zoë nodded. "What happened after that?"
"Well, I spent half a year trying not to be attracted to girls. I knew I didn't like boys, and I was okay with that. But liking girls? It terrified me. Especially since people in Syria aren't as accepting as people are here. But it didn't work. I just couldn't help that I was sexually attracted to girls. I eventually just accepted it. That's when I developed a crush on my best friend. I didn't want to be a coward this time, so I told her that I had feelings for her. I was so scared that I was shaking. I had expected her to yell at me or to never speak to me again, but instead she just smiled at me and told me that she had a feeling that I liked her. Turned out she had been waiting for me to come out to her for awhile. I guess she knew before I even did."
"Sometimes other people see the things about us that we're too scared to see."
Rasha nodded. "She told me that she liked boys, but that our friendship wouldn't change. She loved me for who I was. I quickly got over my crush on her. I would have rather had her as a best friend than as a girlfriend anyways. She helped me to not be so afraid of who I was, and eventually I told my other friends. A couple of them stopped talking to me, but for the most part everyone was supportive."
"Wow. That must have been hard. I can't imagine losing any friends. My biggest fear before coming out was that people would hate me, but everyone has been so nice about it. Except my mom, but who needs her."
"It was hard knowing that someone didn't want to be my friend because of something I didn't choose and couldn't change, but at the end of the day I wouldn't want anyone in my life who doesn't like me for who I am."
Zoë nodded and looked away, thinking about her mom.
Rasha noticed Zoë's change in mood. "So, how is your mom?"
"Well, she hasn't talked to me since the wedding. I doubt she even knows where I'm staying, nor does she care. It sucks, but I don't need her." She tried to hold back the tears, but Rasha noticed her watery eyes.
"I'm really sorry Zoë," she said sincerely as she put her hand on top of Zoë's. "I wish your mom could be more accepting. Maybe she'll come around?"
Zoë quickly wiped her eyes and forced a smile. "It's whatever. I'll be fine." She pulled her hand away. "So, do your parents know?"
"My mom does."
"How did she take it?"
"She cried, a lot. But I think deep down she always knew. She didn't like it at first, but she knew that I couldn't change my feelings. She just wants me to be happy, and I've been much happier ever since I came out. My dad doesn't know though. My mom thought it would be best if I didn't tell him for awhile. He has very strong beliefs. My mom's side of the family knows. For the most part, they're pretty accepting. One of my cousins even tried to set me up with one of her girl friends."
Zoë chuckled. "That's actually really sweet."
"It is," Rasha smiled and shook her head thinking about it. "The only person who had a problem with it was my aunt. You know, the one that had reported me for being gay. She's my mom's sister-in-law, and she's a lot more conservative than the rest of the family."
"I can't believe she would do that to you. Were you scared?"
"Honestly, I was terrified. I thought I was going to go to jail or something. But I hadn't even done anything wrong."
"Well, nobody here is going to put you in jail for being gay."
"That's why I came here, for a better chance at life. I miss my family and my friends so much, but coming here has been one of the best things that's happened to me."
"You coming here has been one of the best things that's happened to me too," she smiled. She leaned in and kissed Rasha.
"Hey, you know, we've missed a lot of this movie," Rasha said, pointing at the TV.
Zoë looked at the screen. "You know what?" She looked back at Rasha, "Suddenly, I'm not that interested in watching a movie."
Rasha wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Me neither."
The girls continued kissing. Zoë leaned over on top of Rasha, pushing her down until her head rested on the arm of the couch. After a few minutes, Zoë broke from the kiss. "Hey, do you want to sleep over tonight? We don't have to do anything. We can just sleep. I just want to be with you."
Rasha nodded. "I'll have to go grab some things from Goldi's though."
"I'll take you."
Zoë got up from on top of Rasha and held her hand out to assist her. Rasha took Zoë's hand and pulled herself up. The girls walked towards the front door to put on their jackets. "I'm going to go tell Grace that we're leaving." She handed the keys to Rasha. "You can go ahead and start the car." She ran up the stairs to Grace's room and heard her talking on the phone to someone.
"…so, do you want to go bowling tonight? Or are you too embarrassed about me beating you at mini golf that all games are off the table?" She paused for a few moments. "Oh, is that a challenge? Okay rocker boy, I guess we'll see tonight."
Zoë smiled at the conversation. She knocked on the open door to let Grace know that she was standing there.
Grace spun around in her desk chair and looked at her.
"Hey, sorry," Zoë whispered.
"Give me a sec," she said into the phone before taking it away from her ear. "What's up?"
"Rasha's spending the night. We're going to grab her stuff from her place real quick and then we're coming back. Just wanted to let you know."
"Okay, cool."
Zoë smirked and folded her arms. "Is that Jonah?"
Grace rolled her eyes.
"Oh my god, you have a date!"
"Shut up!"
"What?" said Jonah over the phone.
"Uh nothing. I'm talking to Zoë," Grace said.
"Oh okay. Hey Zoë!" Jonah yelled loud enough for Zoë to hear.
"Hey Jonah," she yelled back before giving Grace a knowing look.
"Zoë was just leaving." She waved towards the door, signaling Zoë to leave.
"Fine," she rolled her eyes and unfolded her arms, "but I want to hear all about it." She walked down the stairs and out the door. When she got to the car, she opened the door and plopped down into the driver's seat. "Grace and Jonah are going on a date tonight," she said excitedly to Rasha as she buckled her seatbelt.
"It's about time. Those two have been inseparable at school lately."
"I agree. I'm really happy for her. She deserves to be happy with someone."
"Yeah, she's a good friend," Rasha smiled.
After a few minutes of driving, Zoë finally reached Goldi's house. She pulled her car up in the driveway and parked in front of the garage.
"Do you want to come inside with me?" Rasha asked.
"Yeah, sure."
The girls got out of the car and went inside the house. They walked through the front door and noticed that the downstairs was empty. Rasha turned on the light by the door.
"I guess Mr. and Mrs. Nahir aren't home," Rasha said as she walked towards the dark living room. "I'm going to run upstairs and grab my things." She began to walk away, but Zoë grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
"But first…" she pulled Rasha's face into her own and smashed their lips together. Rasha smiled into the kiss.
"I could kiss you forever," Rasha whispered before continuing the kiss.
The girls noticed the living room light turn on. Rasha jumped and turned around.
"Rasha?" said Baaz. He stepped closer to see who she was standing next to. "Zoë? …wait, were you two just…?" He smiled and put his hands in the pockets of his khaki pants. "Well, now a lot of things make sense."
"Baaz!" Rasha said frantically. "We were just…Zoë was…helping me…um…" she looked back at Zoë, desperate for help.
He laughed. "Let me guess, you were just making out in our living room?"
"Please don't tell your parents. I don't want them to find out that I'm gay. They could kick me out," she said with worry in her voice.
Baaz noticed her panicked tone. "Hey hey, don't worry. I won't tell them, I promise. But I don't think they'll kick you out. I mean, they're okay with Vijay. They've never said anything to him, and they know he's gay. They even let him sleep over here."
"Yeah but he's not living with you. Just because you're accepting of gay people doesn't mean your parents are. Even Goldi is still trying to accept it."
"Wait, Goldi has a problem with you being gay?"
Rasha sighed. "I don't know. She keeps saying that she wants me to be happy, but it doesn't feel that way. She acts weird around me."
He shook his head. "Goldi has always been in her own world when it comes to her beliefs. Our parents may have raised us to be Muslim, but they never taught us to follow the laws of the Qur'an word for word. That's just something Goldi does on her own. They don't even make her wear her hijab. If anything, they taught us to love everyone and to show kindness towards others, even those that are different from us. If they found out about you and Zoë, I really doubt they would have a big problem with it."
"But still, you never know how someone is going to react. I learned that the hard way back home. I can't risk it."
He nodded. "Well, your secret's safe with me." He looked at the girls and smirked. "And, if you two ever decide to have a make out session in our living room again, feel free to give me a heads up." He winked.
Zoë squinted her eyes and folded her arms. "Dream on geek."
"Hey, it was worth a shot," he chuckled. "But seriously, you guys have my full support. And if anyone gives you any problems, I'll back you up." He turned around and went up the stairs.
"Wow, I can't believe how nice Baaz actually is," Rasha said as she walked over to the couch and plopped down.
"Yeah, he's actually a good guy," Zoë said as she sat down next to her.
"I wish Goldi was more accepting like that."
"Yeah, what were you talking about back there? I thought she was okay with us. Didn't she say that our love was no different than anyone else's and we deserved to be together after that one play rehearsal?"
"Yeah, she did say that. And she says that she's not weirded out by me and that she accepts me, but it still feels like she's not okay with it. She gives me these weird looks whenever I talk about you, and she won't even change into her pajamas in front of me anymore. She says one thing, but her body language says another. I just hate that sometimes she makes me feel like I'm a freak."
"Maybe she just needs time. You had your time with it, and now she needs hers."
"Yeah, maybe you're right. I just don't want to lose another friend over it. Especially a friend that I have to share a room with." She stood up from the couch. "I'm going to go get my things. You can wait for me here if you want. I'll only be a couple of minutes."
"Okay." Zoë pulled out her phone and opened Hastygram as Rasha went up the stairs.
She walked into the room that she shared with Goldi, who was sitting on her bed reading a book. "Hey Goldi."
"Oh hey Rasha! You're back sooner than I had expected," she sat up.
"Actually, Zoë invited me to spend the night with her. Do you think your parents would be okay with that?"
Goldi smiled disappointedly. "Sure, it should be fine. I was hoping we could watch a movie tonight though."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Rasha said guiltily. "Hey, I'll tell you what, how about I come back tomorrow after breakfast and we can spend the whole Sunday together binging on Friends?"
Goldi perked up. "That sounds good," she said excitedly.
"Great! It's a date." Rasha grabbed her empty backpack and began stuffing it with clothes.
"My first date! How exciting!" Goldi teased.
Rasha rolled her eyes, "You know what I mean, goofy." She threw a shirt at her friend. She zipped up her backpack and sat down on the bed next to it. "So, is it hard for you not being able to date?"
Goldi folded the shirt Rasha threw at her and placed it on the bed in front of her. "Sometimes it's hard to see our friends going out, having fun, holding hands. Sometimes I really want that with someone. But at the end of the day, my religion is the most important thing to me. And being closer to God makes me happier than anything in this world."
Rasha smiled and nodded. "Well, I'm glad that you're happy."
She smiled at Rasha. "I am happy. And I'm glad you're happy too."
"You really mean that?"
She hesitated for a short second before answering. "I just want you to have a good life, and I want what's best for you."
"Well I can't imagine life getting any better than this. I've got a beautiful girlfriend and a best friend who loves me for who I am. What more could a girl want?"
Goldi gave a weak smile. "You betcha." She went back to reading her book.
"So, do you think your parents would be okay with me being gay?"
Goldi quickly looked up from her book. "Why? Are you going to tell them?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm considering it. I don't want them to kick me out though."
"Well, they might. I don't know how they'll take it to be honest. But you shouldn't tell them anything just yet. Play it cool for a little longer until you're completely sure that this is what you want."
Rasha tilted her head. "Until I'm sure of what exactly?"
"You know, that you want to be with Zoë."
She bit her lower lip, clearly offended. "That I want to be with Zoë? Or that I'm gay."
"Aren't they the same thing?"
Rasha huffed in disbelief. "No Goldi, they're not." She stood up and grabbed her backpack. "I'm going to get my toothbrush from the bathroom and then I'm leaving."
"Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow then for our Friends marathon?"
She pressed her tongue hard against her top teeth and slowly shook her head. "If you're sure that's what you want." She walked out of their bedroom as Baaz walked in.
"See ya Rasha," he said.
"Bye Baaz."
He sat down at the foot of Goldi's bed. "So, Rasha's a lesbian?"
Her eyes widened. "How did you find out?"
"I saw her and Zoë kissing downstairs."
She scoffed. "Well, I guess now you know. She likes girls."
"You know, I actually kind of suspected."
"You did?" She asked surprised.
"Yeah. I mean, she just kind of gives off that vibe. Besides, she and Zoë have been hanging out a lot lately. It just kind of made sense."
"Well, you're more observant than I am, because I had no clue."
"I think sometimes you just see what you want to see. A nice, heterosexual Muslim girl who follows the Qur'an to a tee. You know, like you," he teased.
"Is it so wrong that for once I want a friend who is just like me?"
"No, but sometimes you can be a little judgmental when someone isn't like you."
"That's not true!"
"Yes it is! Tell me, what was your reaction when she told you about her and Zoë?"
Goldi thought about it for a second, "Well, I was honest with her. I told her that it's a sin."
"See, that right there is what I'm talking about."
"That's not being judgmental, that's just being honest. Homosexuality is a sin. It says it right there in the Qur'an."
"Just because you believe something doesn't mean that it applies to the rest of the world. These are your beliefs. It's something you choose to believe in. Rasha's feelings for Zoë are very real to her. Don't you think it's hard enough for her without you making it worse?"
"How am I making it worse?" She asked strongly. "I told her that she deserves to be happy with Zoë and that it's not up to me to decide that it's wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that it is wrong, and eventually she's going to see that."
"Oh well you're really just the epitome of acceptance aren't you?" Baaz said sarcastically.
She pursed her lips in frustration. "I've asked her questions about her love life and tried to understand it better. I haven't said anything negative to her about it. I've only ever said positive things. I'm trying to be a good friend."
"Yeah well you have a habit of saying one thing and meaning another. Kind of like how you keep saying that you're okay with losing the presidency again, when clearly you're not."
"I just don't get why she's making everything so hard for herself. Just because she likes Zoë doesn't mean she has to date her. It's not too late for Rasha. She's only sixteen. She still has plenty of time to find a Muslim man to marry. Just because she likes girls doesn't mean she has to completely rule out all guys."
"Are you serious right now?" Baaz exclaimed in disbelief. "Do you honestly think that Rasha is going to be happy with some guy? It's not like choosing to eat a salad when you're craving pizza. This isn't a choice for her Goldi. This is who she is. It's a part of her identity."
"What do you know Baaz? You barely even talk to Rasha. You didn't even know she was gay until five minutes ago!"
"Yeah, and I saw how terrified she was when I caught her and Zoë together. Rasha is one of the bravest people I know. She always goes after what she wants, but this was something else. I've never seen her so scared. She's been through a lot back home."
"That's not my fault though. I'm not the one who made her scared of it."
"But you didn't help her either! You're her best friend, and instead of comforting her and making her feel safe, you just made her feel like she was doing something wrong. Like being herself is wrong."
Goldi shook her head. "You don't know what it's like to find out that your best friend is gay."
"Of course I do! Remember Vijay? My best friend since grade four? He came out to me when we were thirteen."
"And what did you say?"
"I hugged him and told him that everything was going to be okay, and that he should never feel bad about being himself."
"And it was just that easy for you? Accepting that he was going against what the Qur'an says?"
"Yes. Because I could see in his eyes that this was something that he had no control over. This is his reality, just like being Muslim is ours. And me telling him that being gay is wrong would be like him telling me that being Muslim is wrong."
She shook her head. "That's not the same thing."
"No, because we can actually choose whether or not we want to be Muslim. You know why Vijay isn't afraid to be himself? Because he has his friends by his side for support. Goldi, you can support Rasha without breaking any rules."
"I do support her."
"No, you just tolerate her."
"What do you want me to do, Baaz? Do you want me to give her a medal for being a lesbian?"
"I want you to tell her that you're okay with who she is and actually mean it, and to stop acting like she's done something really horrible, because your approval is the only one that's really important to her right now."
"Look, I love Rasha. And I truly do want her to be happy, I do. But it's hard for me. Every time I see her with Zoë I just think about how she's going against God's plan."
"How do you know what God wants?"
"Because it's all written right here." She grabbed her Qur'an off of her night table and held it up.
He took the Qur'an out of her hand and looked at it. "I'm not an expert in deciphering the word of God, but maybe these laws weren't meant to last forever." He handed the book back to her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, the Qur'an says one thing, but science says another. I know that people don't choose to be gay. Why would anyone choose such a hard life? Rasha, Vijay, Zoë, Tristan…they can't help what they like. Why would God make them only attracted to the same sex, and then punish them for acting on it?"
"I…I don't know."
"You know what I think? I think that maybe you're afraid that if you don't follow every single rule in the Qur'an then you'll go to Hell. And so you're projecting that fear onto Rasha. But you need to put yourself in her shoes. You might think that being gay is a sin, but so is lying. Would you rather her live a lie for the rest of her life? Do you really think that would be better? Or better yet, do you think that all of our friends at Degrassi are sinners because they're dating before marriage? Do you think all of the girls who willingly touch boys are going to Hell?"
"I don't know. I guess," she said with little confidence.
"And what about me? I certainly don't follow everything in the Qur'an, nor do mom and dad. And what about you?"
"What about me?" she interjected.
"Those tight jeans that you're wearing aren't really proper Muslim attire. So where is the line drawn Goldi? We all sin. But Rasha's the only one you've ever treated differently for it. Why is that?" He stood up and walked towards the door. He stopped halfway and turned around. "Did you know that she thinks that mom and dad will kick her out for dating Zoë? You and I both know that they wouldn't do that. But still, she's afraid that they'll reject her. Where do you think she gets that from?" He walked out of her room and shut the door behind him.
She grabbed the shirt off her bed and threw it over onto Rasha's side of the room in frustration. She took the Qur'an and hugged it tightly into her chest and sighed as the tears began to roll down her face. She looked over at Rasha's dresser and noticed all of the pictures of her and her friends from Syria. She stood up and walked over to the pictures. She picked one up and looked at it. It was a picture of Rasha and her best friend from Syria sitting on a grassy hill, smiling for the camera. You could tell that they were really close. Goldi smiled and set the frame back down. She looked at the picture next to it and saw that it was a selfie of Rasha and Zoë at the movie theater. Rasha was smiling harder in this picture than in any of her other pictures. She genuinely looked happy. Goldi picked up the picture frame and accidentally knocked a book off in the process. It landed on the floor, opened with the pages facing up. Goldi bent over to pick it up and noticed that it was some sort of journal. She saw her name on the page and began to read it.
Zoë is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've never been so happy with anyone before. I really think she could be the one. I just wish Goldi could accept us…I wish she could accept me. She says she's okay with it, but she still acts like I'm diseased or something. Everyone else has been accepting of me, but she makes me feel like something is wrong with me. She gives me weird looks whenever I talk about Zoë, and she goes to the bathroom to change her clothes. She never did those things before she knew that I liked girls. It's obvious that I make her uncomfortable. I wish she could just accept me and understand that I can't help it, no matter how hard I've tried. Sometimes I wish I could be straight, but I know that just isn't going to happen. I've lost a couple of friends over it, and even my aunt tried to get me arrested for it. At least my close friends in Syria have been supportive of me. My best friend from back home always made me feel like a normal person. But Goldi just silently judges me. I love her, and I think we could be really good friends, but I don't think she can handle me being different than her. She wants me to be something I'm not. She says she wants me to be happy, but I think the truth is that she wants me to be a perfect Muslim like she is, no matter how unhappy it makes me in the process. I don't know if I can be the person she wants me to be. I wish my friends from Syria were here. They wouldn't make me feel so alone. But for now, all I can hope is that Goldi will come around one day. If not, I don't know how we can ever be friends. Maybe it's time to accept that maybe we weren't meant to be.
Goldi closed the journal and gently put it back on the dresser. She had no idea how hurt Rasha was, and it was all because of her. Maybe Baaz was right. This whole time she thought that she was protecting Rasha, but maybe she was just afraid that if she accepted that Rasha was gay then that would make her a bad Muslim herself. But maybe she can truly accept that this is who Rasha is, and that it has nothing to do with her own faith. She never wanted to push Rasha away.
She looked at the pictures again and realized that Rasha had never smiled that much when she was with her. What am I doing? She thought to herself.