Chapter Nine: It's Empty, and it Hurts

A/N: This chapter's songs are "Moondust" by Jaymes Young and "Without You" by Oh Wonder. Short chapter this time, since it didn't feel right to make it just part of a bigger chapter. Next one will be coming sooner than normal as a result.

My dear Mistress, Lady, and otherwise Empress,

I wonder if you think of me often. I would be lying if I suggested that I didn't think of you. I can see the mountain from here. It blocks out the morning sunrise every day. I'm sure you'd find something pretty to say about it in those haikus of yours. I always liked those. I don't think I ever told you that. It always seemed like it was something that could only be yours; you're so tough, or scary, or whatever tigers are – and yet, you'd take the time to observe and write about beautiful and strange things. I wish you'd show more of that dreamer side of you to people who care about you. I'm sure you'd say there aren't many people who care, but there are more than you think.

I'm sure you'd hate that I'm talking so candidly with you, but since I'm going to burn this after I write what I need to say, I'll take a cue from my mistress and do what I please. It's been a while since I could just talk with you, without the pressures of high society or wars or mates weighing on you. When was the last time you laughed? Not the laugh you get when someone threatens you, or when you're surprised, but a genuine laugh? You were under so much stress, so soon after your father's death, that sometimes all I could do for you was be your clown. I wish I knew a better way to comfort you. You're much prettier when you can relax, though perhaps "pretty" is too delicate a word for the 'Silver Fang.' I always hated that nickname. It's not even accurate – you are kind of silvery, yes, but your fangs are normal. But it's catchy, and I suppose that's what counts. You wouldn't ask for comfort, would you? But you need it. We all do. It's part of living. It isn't weak to lean on others from time to time.

I don't know whether to be angry or frustrated or just heartbroken anymore. I'm tired. I'd know what to do if you had died, or if you had left me or sent me away. But you aren't dead. You're alive somewhere, possibly hurting and alone, beyond my ability to reach you. It's driving me mad. There's nothing of you here, no body to bury, no leads to chase down. Nothing but a volcano and a malicious half-demon that might as well be a ghost for all the information I can find. But I'm not trying to find him. I'm trying to find you. We can deal with Naraku when you are home again, and safe. I'd forgive him if you told me to, once you came home. It wouldn't be easy, naturally. But you're all I had. Have. You're all I have anymore, and I'm doing all I can. I sent a letter to a demon named Minami. Do you remember him? He knows spirits that know other worlds. I hope they can find you. He said that even if the message goes through, and even if you are somewhere else, there's no way to go to you. You'd have to come back to us on your own. So I wait, and do everything I can to help you find your way home.

Your mate hasn't taken the last few months well at all. I've done my best to aid him since your disappearance, but there's only so much I can do for him. This sort of situation is… not an enviable one for either of us. I can't claim to know your mate well at all, and he is very practiced at not displaying his thoughts, but they say actions speak louder, and in that vein he has been shouting. When he isn't ripping everything in his path to absolute shreds, he sometimes deigns to speak with me. I fear he is beginning to lose what hope he had, and a pragmatic fellow like himself never has hope in spades. He never leaves the mountain for more than a few hours – something is forcing him to stay, and I think it's you. Your body. The fact that you need him. He's probably worse off than I am. I, at least, am not being forced by instinct to try and protect someone who isn't there. Inuyoukai are protective enough in the day-to-day. I don't know what's going on in his head, or in Japan, or with his home, or that little girl Rin. It wouldn't be good for her to be here, not with the crazy in him. I might send for her, but put her in your castle. I'm sure she's lonely. Not that your place would be much better. It's empty too.

We found Honoka on the mountain. Perhaps it's more accurate to say we found her body, little more than a sheaf of skin caught on a rock. They say spiders dissolve their prey on the inside, then leave nothing but a husk. Even if this Naraku bastard is only half-demon, he's all spider. He must have gotten what he wanted out of her when she dropped you in the volcano. I don't know what he wants that's worth all this trouble, though. Just hurting Sesshomaru? Seems like a stretch. He didn't even take over your land, or the army, or the emperor he had in his lap. He just left, went back to Japan, and left this mess.

Your men broke rank when you were dropped in. Some stayed because they like to fight, but that was the end. Morale went through the floor. The enemy was drowned in lava like you wanted, so they didn't really win either. But you were gone, and you were the threat, so they turned around and went home.

This letter isn't really helping. I thought maybe it would help me set things straight in my head, but reading over it again, it's just unorganized thoughts, and it doesn't really express anything. So I'll try and express it to you here, where you'll never read it. You may never hear these from me, separated as you are, and maybe dead, and definitely mated to that moody dog.

Lady Xing. Lixue. I love your name. I wish I had said your name more often. I wish you'd say mine. I miss you, more than anything in my life. I'm lost without you, utterly and completely. You left us here without so much as a goodbye. I never thought I'd go through life missing you. Surely I'd die first, if nothing else, than by taking a death meant for you. I've always been by you, drawn by you, and it's like the sun died and never rose again. You meant everything to me. I left my home, my family's graves, to follow you. I didn't do it because I wanted power, or wanted riches. I wanted to be with you, always, because I love you. I thought there'd be time enough for you to love me, too. You were grieving, and angry, and you needed time, not a lover. That's what I believed. I can't say that I wasn't hurt when you chose Sesshomaru over me. I accepted it, because I must, and I will support him now, because it's what you would wish of me. Just know that he might miss you, but I miss you too. If I could not have the wish for you to return to me, then my one wish would be to be able to have the chance to kiss you, and tell you what weighs so heavy on my heart.

I love you. Please come home.

Jin

He lifted his brush from the letter, his name written carefully on the bottom of the cramped writing, his breath shuddering in his chest. The night was nearly over, the sky still dark and the night birds cooing over the dying flames of his campfire.

The hyena folded the paper carefully, over and again, creasing and pulling at the edges until the form of a bird emerged. He carefully set it among the embers and watched as it caught the hungry light, the scattering sparks carrying with them the words he could no longer say to her.

He lifted his pipe to his lips again, a slow draw to lift him out, forget that biting thing in his chest. It never worked. No matter how high he got, that biting thing still bit. Maybe now that he'd fed it his words, it would leave him be, just for one dreamless sleep.