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Unbeta'ed.

Chapter-17

When I wake up the next morning, I can't meet Edward's eyes.

Not only I had gone to sleep unclothed, but our proximity had led to a repetition of the pleasurable activities that we had engaged in before going to sleep. Even more embarrassing is the fact that this time I was the one who initiated them.

Truthfully, I had no idea that I had done anything until Edward had groaned and muttered something like, "Bella, you are not going to get any rest if you keep on rubbing against me." This was followed by slow kisses, soft nips and eventually the slip-and-slide movement that I was becoming familiar with. Sweet words of love and tenderness were punctuated with our breaths mingling and rising in unison, and then our bodies seemed to be falling, sinking in an ocean of mutual pleasure. When we separated, he held me close and murmured a thank you in my ear. Half-asleep by then, I had not paid much attention to that.

In the bright morning light however, the memory of his words cause my cheeks to heat up as soon as my eyes open and I see him looking at me. There is a lazy smile on his full lips and his eyes are shining. He looks not only happy, but also very pleased.

I also realise that I am still not wearing anything. Granted, both of us are covered with the quilt, but I feel as if he can still see me. Can we see someone through our skin? The way his hand is moving under the quilt, it seems as if he can see every inch of my body.

When I refuse to meet his eyes, he tries to make me look at him by lifting my chin with his forefinger.

"Bella," his voice washes over me like dark honey. "Sweetheart, what is the matter? Have I displeased you in any way?"

That makes me look up in a hurry. "No, of course not, my—Edward. I am just embarrassed by my boldness."

He does not remark on my stumble, though his lips lifting in a crooked smile say that he noticed it. "Boldness? I presume you mean the way you approached me last night?"

When I nod, he continues, an eyebrow raised in question. "Well, why would you feel embarrassed over it? I would say it led to a very enjoyable experience, did it not?"

My face feels as if it's on fire. "Uh, yes," I manage before clearing my throat and speaking in a hurry. "But I wasn't supposed to do…whatever I did. I didn't even know—I was asleep when—ugh!" And I hide my face in my hands in frustration. Why can't I explain myself clearly?

I am sure he is going to laugh at my clumsy explanation, so I am surprised when all I hear is a quiet sigh. It encourages me to peek through my fingers.

"Oh my love," he murmurs, gently removing my hands from my face. "Why do you think that you should not have done that? Is it because a woman is not supposed to enjoy physical intimacy, let alone initiate it?"

"Is that not true?" I ask in a small voice.

He shakes his head. "Not at all. I do not understand these double standards. Why are men supposed to enjoy sex but not women? Why is it considered a woman's duty to have sex with her husband only for the purpose of procreation? Why is being a lady synonymous with barely enduring the attentions of her husband? Bella, sex is a part of love, a way of showing the other person how much he or she is loved and adored. When you touch me, kiss me and allow me to be close to you physically, you are telling me that you trust me. Is that not so?"

I blink at him, trying to take in his words. I had never heard the word sex so many times in my whole life, let alone in a single conversation.

I also hope that he does not expect me to have all the answers to his questions. How would I know why are there different rules for men and women? I did not make them!

So I answer the one question that is possible for me. "Yes Edward," I say, stroking his cheek, "I trust you."

And I do. I may not have been a part of his life for more than five years, but I know that since he has returned, he has done only good for the estate and the people around. In every word and action of his, he has shown how much he cares for me and my daughter. His presence has made the mansion cheerful and the servants happy because they know their jobs are secure, and also because he treats them well.

When he had returned, I had been weighed under grief and guilt. I had imagined the worst about him, that he was back only to take what had rightfully belonged to Anthony—the estate, and me. I had thought him to be overconfident and callous, but he has proved me wrong in every way.

The guilt of betraying Anthony still pulls down my spirits sometimes, but I am learning to live again, to stop seeing the world as a dark, dismal place and to begin enjoying the colours. And I have Edward to thank for that.

So yes, I trust him.

He calms down somewhat. "And did I not say that I belong to you, as much as you belong to me?"

"You did."

"Then you have every right to approach me and let me know when you want to have me." He smiles when I open my mouth. "Yes, I remember you saying that you were asleep, but I want you to know that it will be very welcome even when you and I are awake. This is exactly what I wanted from you, Bella."

I gather my courage and ask him if I may kiss him. He beams and invites me to kiss him wherever I wish to.

-ATW-

At breakfast Edward informs me that he has found the perfect pony for Lizzie.

"He is a piebald Shetland pony, five years old, and is accustomed to give rides to children. Lizzie will have no problem with him."

If I could, I would have gone to him and given him a kiss for being so thoughtful. As it is, I settle for smiling widely and thanking him for arranging this so quickly.

"It makes me happy to see both of you smiling," he answers. "Should we give Lizzie this news as soon as we finish breakfast?"

I see no reason to delay the happy task, so I agree with him wholeheartedly. He teases me that I look as excited as Lizzie would!

However, when we go to the nursery and convey the news to Lizzie, she proves Edward wrong by squealing joyfully and jumping up and down. Maggie shakes her head but doesn't comment or stop her.

"A pony for me? How wonderful, Mama! Can we go and see him now? What colour is he? Is he pretty? Ponies are so pretty, aren't they? Is he tall?"

I laugh at her jump-dance, and also because her enthusiasm is infectious. "You will have to ask your father, Lizzie. He is the one who has arranged for the pony. I haven't seen him yet."

Her mouth opens in a perfect 'O' as she turns her attention to Edward. And then she runs towards him, smiling, and he opens his arms as if he had been waiting for her.

"Thank you, Papa!" Lizzie's thin arms go around him as she hugs him, and she laughs. Her laughter is so merry that it brings a lump into my throat. What if Edward had chosen not to return to the estate and to me?

James would have pushed me to get married to some lord or other, probably an impoverished one who would have been more than willing to manage the estate exactly as James would have dictated him to. What kind of life would I have had? Knowing James, he wouldn't have bothered to check if the man would be a good husband or a good father. My life would have been different from what it was with Anthony, but I doubt if it would have been better.

I close my eyes in gratitude and send a silent thank you to God. He has been watching over me, even if it took him a few years to disperse the grey cloud that had darkened my life.

When we reach the stable, Lizzie capering in front of us the whole way, we find the pony outside. He is a pretty creature, a piebald as Edward had mentioned. His coat is mostly brown, but there is a large patch of white on his left flank, and the lower half of his legs is white too, as is his neck and head. Long, chocolate brown hair fall at his sides and on his forehead, almost covering his eyes. He is short, something I am glad for. My only worry was that Lizzie may be hurt badly if she fell from a horse, but somehow I know she will be safe on this little fellow.

He gives a friendly whinny, sending Lizzie into another outburst of delight. She all but dances around him, admiring every aspect of the four-legged wonder. However, when she stands in front of him she becomes quite serious.

"Mama, he has hair hanging over his eyes. How will he see where he is going? Maybe you can tie it back with a ribbon?"

I press my lips together so that I don't laugh at her earnest suggestion while Edward assures her that the pony can see perfectly well through the hair.

"He has not have a single accident in the two years he has been carrying children around, Lizzie darling. Would you like to sit on it now?"

Evidently Edward's word is enough to convince my little connoisseur. She agrees to his suggestion, and he picks her up and carefully seats her on the saddle. He shows her how to hold the reins, even though he will be the one holding them for a few days, until he is sure she can handle them.

"Papa, what is his name?"

Edward has already helped me on Rosalie and gracefully leapt on to Emmett when Lizzie asks the question. His eyes twinkle as he answers.

"Apple Snowball."

-ATW-

We have a wonderful time in the paddock, with Lizzie trotting on her pony for a while. She is a natural rider, her small body adjusting to the pony's gait with an ease that is enviable. When she is satisfied with the day's lesson, Edward and I take turns exercising our horses properly. She looks longingly at Edward galloping away on Emmett.

"Will I be able to ride like that one day, Mama?"

I assure her that she will, even though the picture scares me somewhat. However, I know that Edward will make sure that she learns well before attempting any such thing.

We come back in time for Lizzie to have her lunch. After thanking both of us, she rushes to her room, announcing that she was going to tell Maggie everything.

Our own lunch is very pleasant, with my favourite dishes on the table. When I thank the housekeeper for taking so much trouble, she smiles warmly and assures me that it was a pleasure.

Both Edward and I have business to attend to afterwards, so we separate for the afternoon. However, he steals a kiss as soon as we exit the dining hall. When I chastise him for being so hasty, he gives me a playful wink, making me smile.

Just like yesterday, I am looking forward to our time together after dinner, but then I notice something while dressing for dinner that upsets me beyond measure.

Yes, it is that time of the month.

For years it has not made a difference to my routine. Why would it? Anthony and I slept separately, so I just put a rag in my drawers and went on as usual with my life.

I have no idea what I should do now. The elderly maid who had looked after me before Alice joined the staff had informed me in her motherly way that she would give a message to my husband that I was indisposed for the week, the first time I had bled after our wedding. He would leave me alone for those nights, and remember the dates in the future.

Of course, once I was with child the visits stopped altogether. A gentleman did not bother his wife when she was in the family way.

How am I supposed to convey this to Edward? Should I send him a message through Alice? Maybe I can tell him myself when he comes to me tonight. No, that would be too awkward.

I haven't decided the course of action I should take by the time I join Edward in the dining room, and the uncertainty makes me distracted enough that he notices it.

"What is the matter, Isabella? You seem a little out of sorts. Are you not feeling well?"

This is my chance. I can tell him that I will be unavailable for the week. Surely he will understand?

But I don't want him to stay away from me for so many nights. I have begun to look forward to them. Still, if I don't tell him now, he will find out later on. And then he will be disgusted.

"My lord, I—I—" I can't find the right words. I will send Alice with the message. "I am just tired, that is all. We spent so much time in the sun today."

He looks doubtful but does not ask any more questions, instead talking about how much he enjoyed watching Lizzie on her pony, and her surprise at the pony's name.

"Was that really his name?" I ask with a smile. He smiles back, a little sheepishly.

"It was Snowball, I only added Apple to it," he confesses, making me laugh. Mrs Stanley, who has been overseeing the first course being served, chuckles softly.

"Miss Lizzie is very fortunate to have you here, my lord."

Edward shakes his head. "I am the one who is fortunate, Mrs Stanley. And you don't need to call me my lord; Edward will be fine."

"But that will be unseemly—"

"Not at all. You have known me since I was a little boy, and cared for me just like a mother does. At least when there are no guests…"

She nods, smiling but also dabbing at her eyes.

There is so much I still don't know about Edward.

After dinner is over and I am in my bedroom, I ask Alice to give the required message to Edward. She does so, and then helps me with my clothes.

I sigh as she begins to brush my hair. I know this is how it has been done for ages, but I really want Edward here.

To my astonishment, I hear my door open that very moment, and Edward comes into view in the full-length mirror in front of me. Can he hear my thoughts now?

I stand, smiling at him like a fool.

"Edward!"

He returns my smile and holds his hand out to Alice. Although she looks confused at his appearance, she gives him the brush and leaves the room.

I want to throw my arms around him, but then I recall the reason why he should not be in my room.

"Bella?" He must have noticed my gloomy expression.

"I am sorry Edward, but you can't be here tonight. Or for the next five nights."

"Why not, sweetheart?" he asks, and I frown in confusion.

"Did you not get the message I sent through Alice?" It must be so, though how that could have happened, I can't imagine.

He puts the brush down and takes my hands in his. "I got your message. I didn't understand it though. Why do I have to keep away from you because you are having your period?"

I gasp at his frank use of the word. I have never heard anybody say that until now!

Immediately, he looks contrite. "Uh, I am sorry if that upset you, darling. I don't know what else it's called. But I really don't want to stay away from you for so many nights."

When I say nothing, his expression becomes uncertain. "Unless you prefer it that way, of course. Do you want me to leave?"

I keep on staring at him. My mind cannot process his questions because I have never even imagined this scenario. After a minute or two, Edward begins to look uncomfortable and fidget. Then he turns away with a muttered good night and takes a step towards the door.

That brings me back to my senses. How can I let him leave?

"No, please don't go." My hand fists his loose shirt to prevent him from taking another step.

He turns back to me instantly. "Thank heavens. I thought I had offended you in some way!" The noisy exhale that follows his words conveys his relief.

I shake my head. "Not at all. I was merely dumbfounded because I didn't know what answer I should give. I—are you sure you want to stay?"

He smiles and draws me close. "Why wouldn't I?"

I rest my head against his chest. It is easier to answer him if I am not looking at him. "Because…we can't do anything. Also, women are considered impure during these days."

"Old wives' tale," he says dismissively. "As for the other reason, I don't think a husband should want to spend time with his wife for one reason only. That would be terribly selfish of him." He steps back and lifts my chin so I am looking at him. "Do you want to sleep alone? I don't know anything about…Are you in pain of some kind?"

His concern makes me smile even as I become misty-eyed. "No, I am fortunate I have only light cramps for an hour or two. And I want to sleep with you. But…What will we do meanwhile?"

His smile is warm. "We can play cards, or just talk, whatever you want. I just want your company."

Immediately I remember the questions I had wanted to ask him last night. Then he had distracted me so thoroughly that I had completely forgotten about them.

"I do want to ask you some questions, if you don't mind." I take his hand and steer him towards the bed. "Can we sit here? It will be more comfortable for me."

"Of course. You must be feeling cold too."

When we are comfortably ensconced in the bed, with the duvet pulled up to our waists, I ask him the question that has been troubling me the most.

"You said that sometimes two men love each other like a man loves a woman. But how do they manage the lovemaking part?"

Edward groans. "I didn't think you would go back to that topic when I said we could talk. However, I will answer all your questions. I only hope you won't be too shocked." He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. "Remember James mentioned being a gentleman of the backdoor?"

When I nod, he lets his hand slide down my back until he reaches my behind. He taps there lightly, making me jump. "Well, this is what he meant. This is something men too have."

I shake my head, trying to put two and two together. "So…a man would put his tool…Is that even possible?"

His lips twitch as he takes in my scrunched up face. "Yes, it is possible. That was what I was doing when James discovered us in the stable. That boy from the village? He told me it would feel good."

"And did it?" I ask almost in a whisper, even though there is nobody nearby.

He makes an odd face. "I don't know, really. I was curious, obviously, being newly conscious of my body and the changes it was going through. I don't think I had even got it inside properly. I was scared it would hurt him."

"So you never wanted to do that again?" I ask hopefully.

"No, never," he says quickly. "James would like to take credit for that, I suppose, but I never felt like doing it anyway. I was much more interested in girls and how pretty they were."

I am relieved. I may not think it wrong, but I would prefer that Edward had no hankering for other men. But then another doubt surfaces in my mind.

"Do men do that to women too?"

"Some men do. Why?"

"Have you ever done it to a woman?"

His eyebrows jump to his forehead. "Uh, no, I haven't." Then he bows his head and speaks in my ear. "But if you wish to experiment some day, I would be pleased to help you, so don't be shy in asking."

The shock on my face makes him laugh loudly. Embarrassed, I snatch a pillow and hit him with it. Though I do wonder what it might be like though…

After Edward confirms that I have asked all the questions I wanted to, he helps me lie down and asks if he can hold me. I readily agree. It feels so nice to have his arms around me.

And then he asks a question that sets my heart racing.

"Bella, do you remember our first kiss?"

A.N. Yes, their first kiss. We will be taking a peak into the past in the next chapter.

So Lizzie got a pony. What do you think of its name?

And Bella got her answers. No distractions from Edward tonight!