Hi! It was great fun to read your reviews for the previous chapter. The general consensus was that Edward having been with another woman before he got married to Bella was no big deal and Bella should get over it. I agree.
Milk40, who has graciously translated many of my stories into French, has corrected and polished Irina's conversation in this chapter. Thank you, sweetie!
Thank you for voting for 'Just Right For Me' and helping it to be one of the Top Ten stories on TwiFanficRecs. It is a big deal for me.
A shout-out to lillianoliviawhite, who made a kind of record by reviewing all the chapters of JRFM in a day. You made my heart so glad!
Chapter-25
Doubts and questions keep me awake for hours. I want to believe everything Edward has said, but my fears keep on whispering in my ears.
I don't doubt that he loves me. Or that he missed me while he was in France. He was speaking the truth there; I could see it in his face. But is it possible that he felt nothing for that woman who became his bed-companion for almost three years? Is it possible for anybody to be in love with one person and yet find comfort in another's arms?
It is true that Anthony did not touch me during those years. But if he had, what would have I felt? Would I have enjoyed it, or would I have wished it was Edward who was making love to me?
My feelings about Edward were so conflicted even when he had been at the Masen Estate. On one hand, he was easy to talk with, and we had shared many things about our childhood and our families. We never ran out of words while chatting; it was like sharing my dreams and thoughts with a really close friend.
The difference was of course that Edward was a man, a very attractive man. I liked the way he looked at me, the way his fingers curled around my wrist sometimes while guiding me as a novice rider, and the way his voice caressed my name. Oh yes, I liked it very much, even though I realised that it was wrong to think of another man while being married to one.
Had Edward remained at the estate, I can't say what would have happened. Would I have fallen in love with him? Enough to leave everything and run away with him? The truth is, I can't say. We did not get that much time together. The first and only time we were in bed, Anthony caught us, and that was the end of it.
Will I be enough for him now? He has known the pleasures of the body with another woman, and he has read and discussed that book with Irina. Who is to say that after a few years he will not become dissatisfied with me and pursue someone who can please him better? For I am not sure how adventurous he wants us to be in bed, and how much I will be able to. How experienced was this other woman anyway?
Finally I fall asleep, but it is not restful. I have strange dreams that make no sense yet seem absolutely real. I wake up a couple of times without being really awake and doze again. Finally I open my eyes to the morning.
It is still early, but I know I will not be able to go back to sleep. My head feels heavy, and I don't even want to remain in my bed anymore, so I get up and go to the windows. The morning light is stealing through the gaps here and there, but I want more. I pull on the silky ropes and let the room fill with light.
The windows of my room open to a vast expanse of green; grass, bushes and trees in the distance. This is the back of the estate, less formal but equally well-maintained and lovely. If it wasn't this early, I would have gone out and enjoyed the fresh air. Perhaps it would have lessened my sluggishness.
As I debate if I should risk opening the window a little, I notice a tall, thin figure in a peach-coloured nightgown coming from the left side of the garden. She has a matching jacket over her gown, and her head is covered by a simple bonnet. Then she raises her head and flings out her arms as if embracing the sky, and I gasp with recognition.
Irina!
What in heaven's name is she doing outdoors so early in the morning? The sun has just begun to show its face in the east, and the air is much cooler than it is during the day. Does she not know that early morning vapours can cause sickness?
While I am gawking at her like a child would at an elephant, she does something that astonishes me further. Without a care she sips off her dainty slippers and continues walking upon the dewy grass as if it was the finest carpet in the world.
I shake my head in wonder. She is definitely an odd woman.
Alice knocks on my door a few minutes later. She must know that Edward slept in his own room last night, otherwise she would have come much later. However, she makes no comment on the fact.
As I get ready for breakfast, I decide that I need to speak with Irina as soon as possible. What exactly are her reasons for being here?
Breakfast this morning is a little more special as far as the food goes. There are extra dishes on the table and Mrs Stanley is vigilant as to everything being just so, be it the temperature of a dish or the layout of cutlery. She has even prepared coffee for Irina!
The conversation is a little awkward though, compared to the meal. Edward is polite and attentive to both me and Irina, yet he doesn't say much. Irina smiles and hums to herself, and makes appreciative remarks concerning the house and the food. Between the three of us, she is the only one who seems to be completely at ease.
However, as soon as the meal is over, she asks me if we can take a walk together as soon as I have some free time. I suppose she was not as unaware of the peculiar atmosphere at the breakfast table as I had believed.
I give my assent, and then Edward and I ascend the stairs to the nursery to see Lizzie. He looks anxious, and although I wish to assure him that everything will be all right, I can't find the right words. His revelation, though not unexpected, is still sitting on my chest like a dead weight. Finally I settle for taking his hand in mine and giving it a light squeeze.
We are almost outside the nursery by now, but he stops abruptly and pulls me closer to give me a hug. "I missed you," he whispers into my hair.
I take a deep breath, feeling the weight dispel a bit. "I missed you too."
He doesn't say anything else, and nor do I. After bestowing a kiss on my forehead, he draws back and takes a deep breath. "Lizzie," he murmurs to himself, and manages a small smile.
I nod and find a smile as well. None of us will let Lizzie see or feel that there is anything different between us. Her world will remain sunny and cheerful.
Afterwards, Edward takes his leave from both Irina and me, saying he has to discuss the horses' training with the new grooms. Also, he is meeting someone who will build a new and better stable for our horses. Their number is bound to increase as the breeding and training programme picks up.
The sun is playing hide-and-seek today, but the clouds are not particularly threatening. The breeze does feel a little sharper though. I sigh, already missing summer as I think of the days ahead shortening and becoming cooler. Before we know, autumn will have departed, its russet and gold leaves flying behind it like a shimmering cloak.
We follow a path to the back of the house, and I think of Irina walking barefoot on the damp grass this morning.
"Were your feet not cold?" I blurt, and then cap my mouth with my hands. Where are my manners?
"My feet?" she asks, puzzled. Then she looks at them and shakes her head. "No, they not cold. Merci."
Thank heavens she does not understand English very well!
"Uh, the days will be colder soon." I try to justify my concern to her. "Autumn is almost here."
She smiles and nods. "The season, yes? You like warm, or cold?"
"Warm, definitely warm," I say eagerly. "I don't like cold at all; it seems to seep into my bones, however warmly I am dressed."
She squints at me, seeming uncertain. "Pardon? What about your bones?"
I feel flustered. How do I explain myself? I have an idea, but before following it I look around to make sure nobody is watching us. When I see the coast is clear, I act as if I am shivering violently and wrap my arms around my stomach. To make myself perfectly clear, I make the appropriate 'hhhh' sound.
For a moment she just stares at me, and I begin to feel like an idiot. But then she throws back her head and laughs, a rich, uninhibited sound that makes me giggle. When she is able to stop her merriment, she mimics my action and says something like 'oui, je comprends', which I take as 'I understand'.
"You feel cold…inside," she adds, and I nod in agreement.
"Is it cold where you live, in France?" I ask, curious but also shy. I want to picture Edward as he must have dressed and lived there.
She tilts her head to the left and purses her red lips. "Eh, cold, but not so cold. Very leetil neige in Paris."
"Neige?"
She looks up to the sky and swipes her hands vertically, mimicking the action of something falling from the sky.
"Oh, did you mean snow?"
She nods, repeating 'yes, snow'. Then she smiles widely. "You must veesit me, yes? With your bel homme. Make me…yes, happy."
Bel homme? Did she mean Edward? What did the words mean though?
And to invite me to Paris! She is really a very odd woman. Why would I want to visit her?
Of course it would be impolite to say it to her face, so I just smile and nod. I am thinking of a way to ask about Edward and her that doesn't seem too intrusive and failing, when she solves my problem.
"Edward was malheureux…" she begins, then snaps her fingers. "Unhappy. At breakfast. You, uh, angry with him? Because I come without asking?"
My eyes widen at her candour. I am embarrassed that she could sense our feelings so well, and at the same time relieved that I do not have to initiate this conversation. Our walk would have been over before I could have thought of an opening.
Since she understands the issue, I decide to be relatively frank with her.
"I am not angry, Madame. I am sad."
"Because I am here?"
"Because he did not tell me anything before. It has been so many days; he could have informed me of…that woman."
She tilts her head and looks at me thoughtfully. "Ah, yes, that woman. So, you sad because he not tell you? Not because she was there?"
I heave a deep sigh. "No, that part wasn't a surprise. He was there for almost six years; of course he wasn't going to be alone all the time. But he told me so many times that he loved me, and yet, he hid that part of his life. Why would he do that?"
Irina raises a brow. "He loves you, ma belle. He was terrifié…how do you say…afraid."
"Afraid of me? Why?" Ridiculous. What can I do to him? He is not only a lord, he is also my husband.
"Of making you sad, of losing your affection." She says affection in a different manner, but I understood anyway as she put her hand on her heart. "Eet is happening now, non?"
My head jerked up at her question. "No, that's not true. I love him! I was going to tell him last night when…"
Her eyes widen and she mutters something in French. I am not sure what it means, but it sounds like she is invoking the divine.
"Pardonnez-moi, I came at bad time. I will leave coming day." Her expression and tone are full of sincere apology. I suppose she means to say tomorrow when she said 'coming day'.
How can I let her leave so abruptly? It would be shameful if a guest of Edward departs feeling bad about herself! Besides, in all honesty, I cannot blame her for Edward being with another woman or not telling me about her. One way or another, it would have happened.
"No, please don't go like that," I say softly but clearly. "It will make everything worse. I can see that Edward thinks a great deal of you…He said you helped him a lot when he was in France."
She smiles, but it is a sad smile. "Ah, Edward. Good man. But he was misérable when I met him first. His smile, his talk, it was all show." Her voice takes on a far-off quality. "When he talk to me, it was you, you, all the time. Eet is why I want to see you, so I come here on my way to London."
"You came here to see me?" My voice becomes a little shrill towards the end, but I can't help it. This was the last reason for her visit I would have thought of.
She looks at me as if it should have been obvious to me. "But of course, petite chérie. I want to see the girl who make Edward crazy, yes? And I hope to see Edward smile, a real smile, now that you two are married."
"Oh." It is an inadequate response, but it's all I can manage right now. I was so wrong about her. She cares for him like he was family.
But then my insecurities come rushing back, and I sigh heavily. Irina looks at me questioningly and suggests we sit for a while, so we choose a bench and sit down.
"I am afraid he will not love me for long, Madame," I begin, amazed at myself that I am sharing my fears with someone who is practically a stranger to me. But who else is there? It is not the kind of thing I can discuss with my parents or even Angela, can I?
Irina looks confused, so I explain further. "Edward knows so much more than me, and he has seen more of the world. And now that I know for sure he has been with another woman, probably a more experienced one…I am afraid he will be bored of me very soon."
It takes her a minute to process my words, I think, but then she understands and begins to chuckle. However, she grows serious soon as I stare at her hopefully.
"Oh chérie, you not worry about that. That boy is crazy in love with you!" She waves her hands as if trying to tell me how much Edward loves me. "He no get bored with you. He teach you new things, yes?"
I know I am blushing, but I nod in a yes.
"And you like what he does? Eet make you happy?"
Now my whole body seems to be on fire. Irina is so frank! But then, that is why she is a teacher…of sex.
"I want to do something to make him happy as well," I blurt out. She raises a perfect brow in surprise at my boldness, but then she smiles and gives me a wink.
"I teach you anything you wish to know," she answers without hesitation. "You ask me anything, I will answer. You want to surprise him, I help you. He will be very happy with the surprise!"
A.N. : Hmm, what should Bella do to surprise Edward? Any ideas? ;)
It was one of you who suggested that Bella should learn something from Irina. This is your chance to see your idea come to life in the story!
Have you voted for the Twilight Diversity Contest? Voting is closed now, but you can still read the entries and review them. Everyone has written so well.
Story Rec: Crossroads of the Heart by Aeson. Just five chapters in, and very interesting!