"Your mum let me in."
We've been stood in silence for a few minutes now.
"You must be freezing," I say, referring to his clothes. He shrugs. "I'll grab you a t-shirt." As I move to my wardrobe to grab one of my Dad's old shirts, Finn stops me.
"I'm fine, I don't care about my clothes. We need to talk. I…" he stutters, taking a shaky breath in. "I told you we needed to talk. After the game, I-"
"I remember," I interrupt, more for him to get his thoughts together rather than my need to tell him. "But Marina arrived before you could say anything."
His face changes as his lip curls upward. It looks as though he's just tasted something sour or bitter. Which, I suppose the thought of Marina might do to someone.
"Orion, I just need you to know how sorry I am," he whispers sadly. "If I'd had known what she did to you I never would have-"
"Never would have dated her?" I spit, suddenly furious. "Why? You can't help how you feel about someone."
"No, you can't," he agrees. His voice is low and serious. "But you can choose who you try to ignore those feelings with. And I chose wrong." My heart is beating so fast in my chest I'm afraid he can see it. We keep tiptoeing around the real reason he's here and that last statement is only making my head fuzzier. "I can't believe what she put you through."
To this, I have no reply. It's not as if I'm the only kid on the planet to have been bullied. Millions of people go through it. And it's a horrid thing. No one deserves it. Unfortunately, life works in twisted ways. I decide to change the subject, as this one is digging up too much of a past I've tried hard to keep buried.
"What did you want to say to me? At the game?" My mouth is dryer than a desert at this point and no amount of swallowing is going to help that. Finn has stepped forward into my room now, the door shutting behind us. Giving us privacy. My hands shake and I clench them into fists.
"When I was knocked down, I- uh-," he runs his hands through his hair. God I love it when he does that. "The first thing that came to my mind was you. I could hear you. You were telling me to get up. And I could see your smile."
"I don't understand, Finn," I tell him. The room is cold, but the heat coming from the space between Finn and I is a million degrees.
"Me neither, Riley. Well… I do and I don't. I mean, out of everyone, why were you the first person to pop into my head?" he asks me, like I know the answer.
"Why not Marina?" I don't know why I asked him this question but curiosity about their relationship keeps getting the better of me
"Because," he sighs. "I don't care about Marina. I don't think I ever did. Not properly, anyway. She was just a distraction." He takes another step forward.
"Maddie said you guys had a fight." This isn't a question but more a provoking thought for him. I don't want him here if he's on the rebound or just because he's hurt. It's a warning. A warning saying 'please don't hurt me'.
"Not a fight. I broke it off with her," he admits.
"Why?" I'm being pedantic now. I just need answers.
"I was so desperate to fit in here, Riley. I was so desperate to distract myself that I didn't see the ugliness of her person. I can't believe how stupid I've been." His eyes reveal how distraught he really is and all I want to do it pull him into my arms and never let go.
"You keep saying that," I say. He raises an eyebrow at me. "That she was a distraction."
We're close now. Too close. But I don't care.
"Oh… yeah I do keep saying that," he laughs. His laughter sends shivers down my spine and I can't help but smile a little. "Well I guess this is the moment we piece it all together. This is going to make me sound like an awful person, but I used Marina." He laughs again, rolling his eyes at himself, as if what he's trying to say is the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I used her because- because… urgh why is this so hard to say?"
Both of his hands run through his hair now and I have to stop myself from smiling. It's like his signature move that kills me every time.
With a deep breath, he begins. "I started to notice things. About you. Things that someone that is just your friend shouldn't notice." When he looks at me, he knows that's not good enough and begins to explain. "Like the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. And how adorable it is when you blow bubbles in your milkshakes at the diner. You prefer flat drinks to fizzy because fizzy makes you gassy," – he laughs at this one- "You prefer barbeque sauce to any other condiment because you're bloody weird. And even though you wear them every day, your ass looks fucking good in those jeans." This time I laugh, covering my mouth to keep quiet.
Finn's eyes are smiling looking at me and butterflies have made their home in my belly. They're the same butterflies I got the first time we held hands. But a thought pops into my head I can't ignore.
"So… all the shit with Marina. If that's how you felt, why put me through that?"
"I'm a fucking idiot, that's why. I panicked and I didn't think you'd feel the same after the way I messed up our friendship by not remembering you. I knew Marina liked me so I tried to hide behind that. But I did it badly. And with the wrong person." His voice is so low I wouldn't be able to hear him if he wasn't as close to me as he is. "When I saw you with Leo I was so jealous. I knew I was being an asshole to you but I couldn't stop. I'm such a hypocrite and I was hurting myself. So I tried to push you away. But I just hurt more."
"My relationship was fake," I blurt out. The words left my mouth before I could really think about the consequence but Finn's spilling his guts and I don't want to lie anymore. He looks at me confused. "Leo and I… our relationship was fake. It was a plan to make Bree jealous. Granted it was a shit plan and I wasn't going to go through with it until… until I saw you and Marina in the hallway. Next thing I knew I was playing house with someone who I see as my older brother." I think he's going to be angry or upset. But all he does is smile nervously.
"This whole situation is a little bit surreal, isn't it?" We're both giggling quietly now. The atmosphere suddenly gets serious when Finn asks, "The almost kiss really complicated things, did it?" I nod slowly.
"How did we let it get this way?" I groan. "One moment you're climbing my trellis like fucking Romeo and the next we're not talking because we're too stupid to just face up to what that really means."
"Riley," Finn whispers. "I don't want us to hate each other anymore." His chin trembles as if he's going to cry.
"Finney, I don't hate you. I never did," I smile softly.
"I also don't want to hide from what I want anymore." He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and his hand hovers on my cheek, stroking it with his thumb.
"What is it you want, Finn?" I ask, my volume matching his whisper. I'm on my tip toes now, yet I'm still shorter than Finn and have to tilt my head upwards. Finn's tongue licks his lower lip, his eyes flitting down to mine. We begin to dance, waiting to see who is going to break first. Neither of us want to leave our safety zones. As soon as we do, we're in no man's land, and we have no idea what that will mean for us.
"I think you know what that is," he teases, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Hm, do I?" I ask, my tone as playful.
"Don't be a dick."
"Do you really think my ass looks good?"
Finn groans, biting his lip. I smirk at his response, not knowing where this confidence has come from. It is a strange sensation. I never would have thought that when Finn came back to District 12, a few months later we'd be here, in my bedroom, talking about our feelings without even talking at all.
Our foreheads are resting together now and we're breathing heavily. But there's still an invisible barrier between us we're too afraid to breach. Silence fills the room with a tension I'm unfamiliar with.
"Rye?" he asks.
"Yes, Finn?" I reply.
"What are we doing?"
"I don't know."
"Well, can we stop?"
"Sure."
Finn's head tilts slightly and our lips brush the same way they did on the porch. Finn hovers there and I can't take it anymore, but I'm still too stubborn to make the first move.
"Finnick, just kiss me, for fuck's sake," I growl.
We crash together like waves. And it's exactly how I imagined it would be. Warm, wet, but hot and full of emotion. Our bodies are flush together, but my hands are around Finn's neck and his hand are on my waist, pulling me closer. Trying to close every little gap there could possibly be between us.
"You're soaking wet," I say, my breath heavy.
"I know," Finn replies, kissing me again. Hard.
"Maye you should take it off," I say, between the kisses.
"Moving a bit fast, aren't we?" Finn jokes, a cheeky grin spreading across his lips. I poke him, laughing.
"Don't be a perv. I'm going to get you a dry shirt."
Reluctantly, I peel myself away from him and move to my wardrobe. Every cell in my body is buzzing with energy and my hands shake as I rummage around in the drawer.
"What colour?" I ask, over my shoulder.
"Not fussed," He replies, nonchalantly.
"Pink it is," I joke, picking up a blue t-shirt with the Mellark Bakery logo on the front. I spin around and immediately drop the shirt when I see him stood there. Shirtless. In my bedroom. Just when I thought my mouth couldn't get any dryer I see this and I can't form words. Okay, maybe I'm the perv.
"Orion Mellark, are you actually speechless?" Finn teases. "This is a first for me, I need to savour the moment."
I fold my arms and scowl at him. "Fuck off, you can't come in here with your six pack and biceps glistening in the moonlight and expect me function properly!"
"This is probably like 3 months of sexual frustration talking," he mutters. "But you're really hot when you're being sassy with me."
Finn marches across the space between us, grabs my face and kisses me forcefully. It's strong. Powerful. I love it.
My back is against the wall now and Finn's body is pressing against mine again. I push back, desperate for closeness. His arms circle my waist and squeeze me slightly. I never want this moment to end.
As I come off my tiptoes, I feel a slight bulge in Finn's trousers and I can't help but giggle in surprise. Finn pulls away from the kiss in embarrassment, causing me to laugh harder.
"We're going to fast aren't we?" he asks, his cheeks flushed.
"We both did just get out of relationships," I joke.
"I want to not care and just… y'know," he huffs and I laugh again, nodding. "Cause, Rye, this is the hottest thing that has ever happened to me. But I really do care." He tucks the same piece of hair behind my ear and rubs my cheek with his thumb, like he did before we kissed. "I don't want to screw this up by taking it too far."
"I agree." So we just stand there. Eyes shut and savouring the moment. Wanting to preserve this feeling forever.
"Man, I want to-"
"Me too." And again we're laughing. I open my eyes and see Finn. Really see him. And I'm the happiest I've been for a long time. "C'mon, let's get you out of those wet clothes. You must be freezing stood there half naked."
After Finn has modelled a pair of my fluffy pyjama bottoms, which are way too small for him, we lay on my bed in the darkness, my hand in his. After a while, I decide to ring the conversation back to the reason he came here in the first place.
"I have no idea what this means for us now."
"Well, I suppose we can pretend we're back at the point we were at when we held hands for the first time."
"No offence, Finn, but we've just had a very passionate make out session and you weren't wearing a shirt. I don't think I'll ever be at that point again."
Finn smiles widely, biting his lip to keep from laughing. He squeezes my hand and I can't help but smile too.
"Alright, fair enough," he says. "How about this… Let's go on a date. We'll keep it a secret for a while- we'll tell Mad and Jack of course- and we can see where it goes. That way we can do it without scrutiny from everyone school until we're ready to publically declare our love for each other."
I press a soft kiss on his lips and smile.
"I like that plan very much."