Sorry it took longer than planned to post this chapter. My daughter is home for the holidays and I want to spend as much time as possible with her.
Outtake-2
Mine, but not Mine
Today Bella was wedded to Anthony.
Since I had seen her in the village, I had pictured her wedding day many a times. The only difference was that in my dreams, I had been the groom.
Before I could do anything to turn my dream into reality, however, Anthony came to me with this utterly absurd idea. He wanted to marry Bella, fulfill his duty of providing the Masen name an heir and a spare, and live peacefully.
"She is intelligent, beautiful and graceful, that makes her perfect for the position of Lady Masen," he babbled enthusiastically. I stared at him in disbelief as he carried on while pacing the floor of his room where he had called me for an urgent meeting. Jasper guarded the door so that nobody could surprise us.
"Also, she is a farmer's daughter, not some spoilt girl from a noble family. She won't bother me with too many questions or make too many demands upon my time. For her, doing her duty will be paramount. In turn, I will provide her with a most comfortable life, much more than she could have had were she married to a doctor or another farmer or a school teacher. She will lack for nothing, be it fine clothes or jewels, horses or carriages. We will be happy together."
Questions and doubts crossed my mind like the wind across a field, but looking at Anthony's face shining with happiness and his hands gesturing excitedly, I could not voice them. To be honest, I had not seen him this animated in months. Ever since James had summoned him to his chamber and more or less ordered him to choose a wife for himself, Anthony had been on tenterhooks. As the time passed and the list of excuses grew shorter, he had turned morose, not talking much and hardly ever smiling. I could not brush aside his plan with my rude words, not without thinking over it.
Still, I could not help voicing my greatest doubt to him.
"Do you think Bella will be happy with this arrangement?" I asked, and he stopped in front of me. "What is she wants you in her bed frequently, or even after the birth of the children?"
Anthony waved his hand impatiently. "Why would she want that? No woman wants her husband to visit her more than necessary; she doesn't receive any pleasure from the conjugal act. That is why noblemen have mistresses, you know? They are paid to please their patrons. A wife already has everything she wants, so she can afford to live on her own terms. Bella will be quite content with the companionship I will give her, and with the love of the children."
"And you are quite sure that you will be able to give her children?"
"Why not?" shrugged my cousin. "It is true that I do not want women as men usually do, but this much I can do. I like her as a person. She is kind and cheerful. Aggressive women make me nervous, but Bella is not like that, so it should be all right." He read my doubtful expression and smiled, clapping his hands together. "Trust me Edward, this will turn out to be good for both of us."
What more could I say? If I confessed that I was attracted to Bella and wanted to marry her, Anthony would bow out gracefully. However, it would not solve my problem. He loved me, but he could not bestow on me a title or the wealth that went with it, not to mention social acceptance. And how could I persuade him otherwise, knowing it would deprive Bella of the chance of enjoying the lifestyle of the rich and the noble.
And so I said nothing, and even helped Anthony by pretending to be him when he was supposed to meet Bella in the sun room. He convinced me that it was a momentary weakness and everything would be fine after the wedding.
And that brings us to this day, the day of their wedding.
The wedding is well organised and well-attended, and the celebrations continue late into the evening. Anthony may not have very close friends, but he does have friends; it is a necessity of being a lord to develop good connections. And they are a merry lot, especially as the evening wears down and the excellent wine and other drinks continues to flow.
I listen and smiled as Anthony takes their teasing about his wedding night with the utmost good humour. However, it becomes more and more difficult for me to keep on smiling as the jokes grow more and more ribald. When one of the guests drunkenly begins mimicking the act that Anthony is to perform in bed, thrusting his hips in an obscene motion, I make my excuses and escape to Anthony's room.
I would have preferred to go back to my home, but Anthony had made me promise that I would remain in the mansion until all the guests had left. And so I sit in his room with an equally morose Jasper, a bottle of wine open between us, and proceed to torture myself with images of Anthony making love to Bella.
I hear the revellers push Anthony into Bella's room and yell encouragements at him to water her bower well with his spigot. I hear the door slam shut and bang my head repeatedly on the table. The almost empty bottle wobbles, but Jasper catches it before it can fall.
He mutters something about Anthony being too dense, but I cannot imagine what he means. My head seems to grow heavy, and my eyes close.
Some time later I wake up to the sound of the door shutting quietly and of footsteps muffled by the carpet. I raise my head and blink like an owl in the dim light of the fire.
"Anthony?"
He falls on his bed. "Yes."
I scratch my head. The wine has made my brain slow, but I seem to remember that he should be elsewhere. And then it comes in a flash—it is his wedding night. He should be with Bella, in her bed.
"What are you doing here?"
He groans heavily. "James wanted to give some parting instructions to me, so I had gone to see him."
His words make no sense to me. "But why are you here now?"
This time he sighs. "I can't do it, Edward. I thought I could, but even though I was drunk and courageous, I could not bring myself to disrobe in front of Bella. The very thought of exposing my body to her made my cock shrivel up with fear. I just talked to her for a while, and then Jasper came with James' message."
Even though I feel sad for him, there is a small part of me that is rejoicing at the news. Bella is still untouched. My brother has not succeeded in taking her virginity.
But he has to do it, another night. He must.
"Well, maybe you will feel better tomorrow night." I look at the silhouette on the bed and try to encourage him.
He shakes his head. "Edward, I had not imagined it would be this scary. I like Bella, I can have a conversation with her, but no more. Please try to understand. I cannot be her husband in bed."
"You should have thought of this before marrying her." My voice sounds cold even to me. "If you do not give her a child, people will blame her for being infertile. And James will force you to send her back to her father's house and take another wife. Either way, her life will be ruined." The effect of the wine is becoming less, and I am getting angry. "How could you be so stupid as to think you could do this?"
Again that small, selfish part whispers in my ear that this is not a bad thing. If Bella is sent back to her father's house, he will probably not hesitate in accepting my proposal.
The rest of me scolds the selfish part that is rejoicing in others' misery. How low can I fall? How can I wish pain on the two people I love? I should be ashamed!
His groan is a frustrated one. "Do you think I have not been berating myself for this for hours? Yes, I should have realised that my plan was a foolish one, but I didn't. Obviously. It's not as if I wanted to make Bella's life wretched, you know? But what can be done now? If I get the marriage annulled so that no blame rests on her, I will have to tell the truth to people, and I cannot do that. Maybe I should just leave England and go somewhere far away where nobody knows me? But how will that help Bella? Oh heavens, what have I done?"
His words subside into drunken mumblings as his eyes close. I look around for Jasper, but he must have retired into his own room, for he is nowhere to be seen. I sigh as I take off Anthony's shoes and remove his waistcoat and collar, which is so lopsided and wrinkled that it is a wonder it hasn't strangled him. Jasper is probably keeping his distance from Anthony; he can't be any happier with this wedding than I am. But of course he knows that he can't have an open relationship with his master. Poor man!
My neck has developed a crick from the odd position I had gone to sleep in, so I rotate my head a bit to get rid of the stiffness and then lie on the other side of the bed. What have we got ourselves into?
-X-X-X-
In the morning the guests begin to depart, and I help Anthony see them off. Bella, shy but willing to do her part, says goodbye to various lords and ladies she is presented to and then immediately begins to get acquainted with the household accounts. Anthony talks with her easily, and it seems to me that he is more confident now, now that the crowd has left us. Perhaps tonight he will try again to be close to Bella, and succeed.
I am not sure if I am more relieved with the prospect, or more regretful. But in the end it does not matter, for Anthony refuses to leave his room when the time comes. When I suggest to him that he comes clean to James, he turns pale and his brow becomes dewy with sweat. With cold hands he clutches mine and begs me not to disclose his secret to James or anyone else.
"Edward, I will not be able to bear the shame. People will look at me as if I have a dreaded disease. Please, have pity on your brother!"
I rub my face roughly. "But what about Isabella, Brother? She must be waiting for you. What can you say to her that won't break her heart?"
He bows his head and mutters something. I ask him to repeat himself, for I understood not one word.
"You can save me, Edward," he pleads, squeezing my hands hard. "You can make everything all right, if only you say yes."
I frown. "Yes to what, Anthony? What do you want me to do?"
His eyes are desperate. "Go to her in my stead, be to her what I should be. It is the only way."
I stare at him, dumbfounded.
"What?" I croak, my mouth dry and my thoughts a-whirl. Does he really mean what I think he means?
He stares back at me with complete sincerity, his expression pleading.
When he had revealed to me his plan to marry Bella, I had remained quiet. This time, I explode with rage.
"Have you lost your mind, Anthony?" I do not raise my voice much, aware of ears everywhere and also because I don't want Bella to hear me yelling. But I know my face is red with anger because it feels hot. I fist my hands, aware that I want to punch Anthony in the face. "She is your wife—yours! How can you even think of sending me to her? You will be breaking every one of your vows you took yesterday. It would be the worst kind of betrayal of her trust in you!"
Tears appear in his eyes as he clutches at my shirt like a lifeline. "Those vows are meaningless already, Edward. I can be a companion to her, but not a husband. As for betraying her trust, what other option is there? You pointed out last night that her life is ruined in any case. If you take my place, she will have a somewhat normal life, and the child will still be a Masen. The truth will destroy us, Edward, but a lie can save us. Please do this for me. I will be indebted to you for life."
I rant and argue, but he persists, finally saying that he would kill himself rather than face James and the world with the truth. I can see that he is desperate enough to do it, and agree to his proposal with a heavy heart. I cannot have his death on my conscience.
Also, if I am completely honest, I must admit that the tiny, selfish part of me is happy and excited to have Bella in any way. I am aware that deceit never fares well, but I decide not to think of the future and take what I can get in the present.
Both Anthony and I will serve our time in Hell for this, this I am sure of.
-X-X-X-
After talking a little more with Anthony and promising him that I will be discreet, I proceed to Bella's bedroom.
I am shaking with nervous excitement when I enter the darkened room. It is late, and she is asleep, the soft sound of her breath calming me to some extent as I stand by her bed. What do I do now? I must wake her up, but I cannot talk much in case she suspects something. Anthony and I have similar height and build, and our voices are not too different. Still, I must be careful and speak only when necessary, and that only in whispers.
I sit beside Bella and stroke her hair, longing to untie her thick braids. As I run my fingers through it, she moves a little and then lifts her hand and touches mine. She is awake.
"Bella," I say as softly as possible, "please forgive me for disturbing your sleep."
"My lord," she breathes, "there is no need to apologise. I understand that you have much to do. Running this estate well must keep you very busy."
"Still, I will try not to be so late in the future."
She assures me once again that she does not mind, and an awkward silence follows. Both of us know what is expected of us, but none of us knows how to proceed.
Finally I ask her if she is ready, my throat parched and my heart hammering. I wish I had some experience in this matter. I have kissed a girl or two, and felt the softness of their breasts, but nothing more. I want to please Bella, but I have no idea how to do it.
She nods shyly and lifts a corner of the duvet in silent invitation. Gathering my courage in both hands, I accept the invitation and slip under the covers. My arms go around her instinctively and my lips find hers, though I keep our kisses chaste for fear she might be disgusted if I do anything more.
My hands wander a bit and mould themselves around her cloth-covered breasts, and her breath hitches. My own comes faster as I push a leg between hers and pull her closer. She is soft and warm in my arms, and I don't want to let her go. Ever. However, I am also aware that I must not spend too many hours in her bed. The less of an attachment I form with her, the better it will be for both of us.
Soon I want her to be even closer, preferably without any clothes between us. But it would shock her if I am to suggest such a thing; she is from a genteel family after all, not a strumpet. I must treat her as a lady should be treated.
Her nightgown has risen to her knees, and I run my foot along her calf. Slowly, as if under a spell (which is probably the case), I lift the hem of the gown until it ascends her hips. I fumble a bit with my pyjamas, but finally succeed in unknotting the drawstring and pushing them down. When my newly bare legs find Bella's and my cock settles between her thighs, the sensations that run across my whole body nearly make me peak. I remind myself that I am not here for my pleasure but to achieve a goal. However, my body doesn't want to listen. I feel feverish with impatience.
Bella is probably more anxious than I am, but she doesn't show it by word or gesture. Though when I think about it later, I wonder where her hands were—probably clutching the bed sheet or a pillow.
I do know that a woman is supposed to be wet to facilitate the entry of a man's member, so I check for it. Bella gasps, and I thrust forward some. The sensation of being surrounded by her softness and warmth is incredible. I ask her if she is all right before applying more pressure. Somewhere I feel a slight resistance, but before I can think about it, it's gone and I am completely inside her.
If I was in heaven, I could not have felt any better.
Unfortunately, my moment of bliss is too short. Almost as soon as I begin to move inside her, I peak, and it is over. If I was her husband I would have said that the marriage has been consummated, but since I am not…In any case, she is a maiden no longer.
I know I should leave her so that her maid can look after her, but I want to delve in this paradise longer than allowed. I lie on my side with my arms around her and try to comfort her without saying anything. Gradually she relaxes and her breath becomes less uneven. I kiss her temple and stroke her hair.
If only I could remain with her the whole night! But Bella will be uncomfortable then, even though she might not object to my presence. Also, it would be a great risk. With an unwilling heart, I press my lips to her cheek and bid her a soft goodnight. She sits up, clutching the duvet to her chest, and answers me sweetly.
My feet drag as I move in the corridor towards Anthony's room, and I turn back and look at her door more than once. This new intimacy between us is going to make everything doubly difficult.
How am I going to stay away from her during the days? How am I going to pretend that she is nothing to me but my cousin's wife?
A.N. : So that's how Edward took Anthony's place in Bella's life after the wedding. Next will be Jasper's POV regarding Anthony.
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