I intended to post this outtake sooner, but time just flew away while my daughter was here!
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Outtake-3
Jasper
Everything hurts; my body, my heart and my soul.
Carlisle has done what he could to patch me up and make me comfortable, but there is no rest for me, not really.
I am not even surprised that this happened. In a way, I had been waiting for this day for years with a combined feeling of dread and anticipation. Everybody who has ever kept a secret will understand what I mean. Of course, I had imagined James discovering this secret while Anthony was still alive. In my dreams, he would march in raging and screaming, and shoot both my master and me.
In my nightmares, he would shoot Anthony but leave me alive. Then, while I would cry at his son's side, he would sneer and laugh at me, taunting me for daring to fall in love with a man who was so much superior to me in every manner.
As it happened, he didn't need to do any of that. Anthony died on his own, weighed down by guilt because he believed that he destroyed three lives—mine, his brother's and his wife's.
Time and again I assured him that it was not so, that we were capable of breaking whatever cage he imagined he had put around us and creating a new life for ourselves. We chose not to do so, but that was our decision.
Perhaps for Lady Isabella it was more difficult than it was for Lord Edward or me. She was a woman, and married into a noble family. Both factors contributed to her boundaries being extremely rigid. Still, if she had wanted she could have run away to Lord Edward, or even persuaded Anthony to send her to him. She must have known that he would give in if she persisted long enough. But she chose to suffer, much as he did.
Lord Edward could have taken his lady away once he was established in business, but he too waited for my master to do something. What did he think Anthony would do? It was not as if he could divorce his wife; that would have been a bigger scandal than her running away with her lover. Why should he lose face in society because Lord Edward did not have the guts to follow his heart?
If you ask me, the nobility makes too much of their rules about what to do and how to do it. But for that, all of us could have been happy with the people we loved.
As for me, I could not imagine being away from my Anthony under any circumstances. He gave my life some meaning; made it worth living. Had I been a servant to any other master, I doubt that I would have witnessed even a glimmer of the happiness I felt in Anthony's presence. Even if that man would not have been cruel like Lord James, I would have been only a servant to him—someone to tend to his needs and look after his clothes.
Of course, I would not have known such pain and grief either, but I alone am responsible for them.
I was sent to Masen Hall at the age of twelve, to make of my life what was possible. My father was a serf, but he believed I would be better off working inside a manor than on the land, perhaps because I a sickly child. I began as a pageboy, but was soon assigned the duty of looking after Lord Anthony. Mr Stanley taught me everything required to be a valet to a young lord, and I did my tasks willingly.
Anthony was a gentle soul, and the exact opposite of his father who was a cruel man in every respect. He spared no one on the estate, be they men, maids or children. Both Lord Anthony and Lord Edward suffered at his hands, but it affected Anthony more, perhaps because it was his father who punished and beat him at his littlest mistake instead of protecting him. Also, he had lost his mother at an early age. Even though his aunt was very kind and affectionate, it could not fill the emptiness in his life.
When I was fourteen and Anthony sixteen, he began to open his heart to me. Soon we became more friends than master and servant. But it was only after I went with him to Oxford that the bond of lovers formed between us.
Being away from his father suited Anthony. He was happier and healthier than he was at the estate. He made a few friends. And when he discussed his day with me, his eyes shone with enthusiasm. He wanted to make his father proud of him, and be a landlord his tenants would look up to. He missed his brother, but was determined to make good use of his time at the college.
However, he had his moods. He would be quiet then, staring at nothing in particular. At such times, I did my best to cheer him up and make him smile. He had a beautiful smile. How could it not be, when his face was that of an angel?
When I told him so, he looked sadder and remarked that he was closer to devil than any angel. I was aghast. Why would my kind and gentle master liken himself to the devil?
"It is because I have these unnatural desires," he murmured when I asked. "You will hate me, Jasper, if I told you what I am inside."
I protested that I could never hate him. "I wish to see you happy, my lord. Seeing you like this makes me feel as if I am failing in my duty."
He told me then, how he was attracted to men rather than women, how he was attracted to me, a lowly servant. He was aware society frowned upon such relations, but he was helpless.
I did not understand him completely, but I understood that I was special to him. I assured him that I loved him and was ready to please him in any manner possible.
The physical part was…strange, at first. But Anthony never pushed me, and slowly I became comfortable with him. We had to be careful when we were at Masen Manor during the holidays, but Anthony made the stay as short as possible, returning to the college on some or other pretext as soon as possible.
However, things changed once he completed his studies and we returned home for good. Even though Lord James was mostly away, there were servants around, not to mention the Stanleys who had known Anthony since his birth. However, the biggest problem was that Anthony's father pressured him to get married.
One after another invitation to balls, parties and hunting seasons poured in for my master. For three years he made excuses and avoided being wed, for how could he explain his inclination to his wife? But the pressure kept on increasing until it became impossible to avoid the topic, and that was when he saw Lady Isabella at her aunt's ball.
Suddenly it seemed that all his problems would be solved. Getting married and having an heir would take his father off his back, and he was sure that Lady Isabella would be content to live the life of a countess without bothering him too much.
But of course it didn't happen like that; few things in life do.
I remember how worried he was when he had to meet his intended in the sun room. When I suggested that he gain some Dutch courage, he agreed immediately. One drink led to another, and before we knew he was on the verge of passing out. Eventually he begged Lord Edward to take his place, and he did so, albeit reluctantly.
I soothed him until his brother returned to say all had gone well, but I could not help thinking that this path he had chosen was not going to end well. If he was nervous to face his lady, how was he going to be intimate with her?
However, his confidence came back after Lord Edward's report. The next morning—in fact, right until his wedding night he remained cheerful and optimistic that all would be well after the wedding.
Of course I noticed how pensive his brother became whenever this topic arose, but why would I have said anything? It was not my place to do so, and if Lord Edward chose to hide his feelings for Lady Isabella, I could certainly hold my tongue.
Everything went downhill after that. Anthony returned from his bride's room without consummating their marriage while Lord Edward tried to drink himself into a stupor. I gave him company for a while, but then I withdrew to my room that adjoined his and sat on my cot and mulled over the foolishness both of them were exhibiting. Why were they being so stubborn?
Next evening Anthony begged his cousin to go to his wife, arguing that any child she bore would still be a Masen. Though Lord Edward argued against it, he agreed in the end.
While he was gone, I asked Anthony what he was thinking, playing this dangerous game. For the first time since I had known him, he was less than honest, pretending he didn't know what I meant and that everything was all right. I didn't pester him further.
Mrs. Stanley tried to speak with him once or twice, pleading that his actions were unfair as well as immoral and could only lead to a disastrous end. To my dismay, my master gently but firmly forbade her to bring up the topic again. He also asked her to make sure that the servants wouldn't babble about anything they noticed to anyone outside the manor. I could see she was not happy with his decision, but she promised anyway.
Of course the attraction between Lord Edward and Lady Isabella increased to the point where Lord Edward refused to keep my master's secrets at the cost of his happiness. It was bound to happen, but instead of sharing his problem with his love and leaving the country together, he chose to burden Anthony with the whole responsibility. It led to the only serious fight between them that I had ever seen, ending in the compromise that lord Edward would leave England if it was proven that Lady Isabella did not love him.
Again, it was unfair for the lady to proclaim her love for him without knowing everything, and in front of her husband too! However, she could have done something about it later on, instead of passively waiting for things to change.
The only good thing that came out of the whole mess was little Miss Lizzie. She was a beam of sunshine, pretty as a flower and chirpy like a bird. I honestly think Anthony would have died earlier if she had not been there to cheer him up with her laughter and her sweet warbling.
Of course, it also multiplied his guilt when he realised that it should have been her real father enjoying her childlike prattling.
Though his love for me never waned, it was no longer enough to sustain him and keep his spirit unbowed. I could see him wasting away in front of my eyes, but other than assuring him of my devotion to him I could do no more.
One day he even broke down in Miss Lizzie's room, berating himself as a coward who had spread misery all round. Now, that was an exaggeration. I know for certain that the people who worked for him and lived nearby had a high opinion of him. He was kind and good-natured, and always concerned with the welfare of those who depended upon him. It was only where emotional matters were concerned that he went in the wrong direction.
A few days before he passed away, he called me to his bedside and gave me a picture of his to keep.
"Read the inscription on the back."
I turned it around and read the words. "To Jasper, My One and Only Love."
"I am sorry that I cannot give you more than this," he said sadly. "Your life with me was shadowy and colourless, Jasper. I hope you find something better to do after I am gone, and someone better to love."
I shut my eyes but tears squeezed past my eyelids anyway. I shook my head, unable to say anything to console him. He stroked my hair affectionately.
"Don't grieve for me, do you hear?" I nodded, aware that I was lying to him. "Edward is a good man. If you choose to stay here, he will be a good master. If you wish to leave, he will see to it that you are compensated well."
To be truthful, I had not considered my future after Anthony's death. It was too painful because it felt as if I was giving up hope. And I just could not do that.
However, hanging on to hope did not prolong his miserable life. One morning I went to wake him up, ready with hot water for his shave, and found him gone. Though I wept for him, I could not help feeling that death to him was a deliverance from life and something to be thankful for.
The thought didn't help me when it came to living without him though. I tried to be content in serving Lord Edward. He was easy to work for and understood and respected my grief, but as the months passed I became more and more restless. Finally I asked my new master to release me from his service and wrote to my cousin, asking him if he could find employment for me. I had a feeling that returning to my village and being with my family would heal my wounds to some extent.
Luckily, my cousin invited me to join him in the business of boat-building, saying that he would teach me the work. Lord Edward said he was sad to see me go, but he also understood my feelings and did not force me to stay. However, he requested me to defer my journey until the beginning of spring so that the roads would be safer.
The arrival of Lord James was completely unexpected, but as I said before, what happened next was not. I am only thankful that Lord Edward saved my life from his uncle's cruel hands. My future may not be perfect, but I still want to live.
I know Alice has feelings for me. Unfortunately, I could not return them. Will I ever feel love for a woman? I don't know. It is not something I wish to delve upon now.
I have no expectations from life, except some peace of mind. As long as I come by that, I am willing to take the rest of my life one day at a time.
After all, as Charles Dickens said in his recent series, trifles make the sum of life.
A.N. : "Trifles make the sum of life." (David Copperfield). It was published as a series before being published as a novel.
Remember that Jasper is loyal only to Anthony and his views are coloured by his love for his former master. He cannot be impartial.
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