Thank you for your heartfelt responses to Jasper's POV. And thank you to the new readers who read and reviewed every chapter, taking me through the story once again. Also, a sincere thank you to the guest reviewer who left such a sweet review that it brought tears to my eyes. You people truly are the best readers!
About this chapter. It is an EPOV of Edward's return to Masen Hall and meeting Bella for the first time after that. In a way, it follows the events of Outtake-1. I have not kept the dialogue same as in the original chapter because that would have been boring, right?
Apologies for any mistakes in advance. I have a cold, and though it should not affect my brain, somehow it does.
Outtake-4
Edward returns Home
Home.
A safe place.
A place that calls to you when you are away, where you can rest your weary soul even as you rest you head on your pillow.
Where your heart fills with gladness because you know that you are among loved ones, where you are accepted as you are and not judged for your faults and shortcomings.
Is Masen Hall that place?
As a child, my home was with my mother and father. My world with them was safe and full of love. Yes, there were rules to be followed, but they were lovingly implemented. My parents explained that their aim was to keep me safe, healthy and happy, and guide me so I could grow up into a good man.
Anthony completed my world by being my playmate, my partner in all the adventures we cooked up and my older brother who could answer all my questions, even the silliest ones. In a way my home was his home too, for Masen Hall, for all its opulence and servants to do all his biddings was more of a mansion than anything else. Even though James wasn't there for weeks together, and Mr and Mrs Stanley took good care of him, he felt no attachment to the place.
Of course, when James was there, Anthony couldn't wait for him to leave. Every day and every hour passed heavily, with the fear of displeasing his father in some way or other weighing upon him constantly. He made me shadow him all through the day in the hope that James wouldn't be too hard on him, but I doubt it helped his cause. I pitied him, but there was not much I could do to save him from his father's insults and punishments.
And of course I had to return home every evening, leaving him at the mansion. I am a little ashamed to say that I did that gladly, even though I was aware that Anthony would have preferred me to stay with him. The nursery wing was a large one, with room after room for little ones, and James was not opposed to my staying in one of those. But I always felt uncomfortable around him and ran off to my mother as soon as the day waned. Our modest house was my home, my sanctuary.
All that changed after my father passed away.
Of course my mother still loved me and took care of me, but there was something missing. The feeling of safety that surrounded me when I was with her had faded somewhat, and it took me years to realise that it had been there in the first place because she absorbed it from my father and then radiated it to me. When he was gone, he took from her the strength to face the world cheerfully. I like to think that she regained it eventually, but it took years. Meanwhile, that insecurity filtered from her to me.
It didn't help that James became even more autocratic, with none to oppose him. He also began to treat me much like he treated his son, which was not a good thing in his case. The physical punishments I had witnessed Anthony undergo became my share as well. My mother tried her best to shield me, but she could not defy James directly, who insisted that they helped in building character. Perhaps she too was scared of him.
I knew she cried when I was beaten by James, so over the years I became adept at hiding my pain from her. There was also a sense of being the man of the house, as it were, in lieu of my father. How could I show her any weakness?
Anthony and I consoled each other, but when he went away to college I had none to share my misery with. When a youth from the village became friendly with me and promised to show me a good time, I didn't hesitate to follow his instructions. That led to the worst beating of my life when James discovered us in the stable. My back was a bloody mess by the time he stopped.
James left for London the same evening, leaving me in the care of the Stanleys. I begged them not to let my mother know, for it would have broken her heart. Instead I hid in their quarters until my back healed and I could walk without pain. It was only years later that my mother saw the lines on my back and discovered the extent of James' cruelty. I promised her that one day James would pay for everything he had done.
I had always had an affinity with horses, so I was happy when James directed me to work in the stables. There I felt a peace that eluded me otherwise. I talked to the horses and did not care if the other grooms laughed at me, sure that they understood every word I uttered. I was not sure what to do with my life, but when I was with my beloved animals I dreamt of greatness.
When Anthony took over the running of the estate, he protested that I didn't need to do such a lowly job, but I explained that I liked it. Finally he gave me the title of the stable manager and asked me to delegate the menial tasks like cleaning the stalls to other boys. It gave me the freedom of focussing my skills on training the horses, so I happily accepted it.
And then Bella came into my life, and everything changed.
The one thing that did not change was that Masen Hall still didn't feel like home. Not when I fell in love with Bella, not when she came to live in the great house, and not even when I visited her during the nights. In fact, it became imperative that I succeed in my own right so that I could take her with me to some far off place where nobody would recognise us.
But life has its own plans, doesn't it? My success came at a cost—being away from Bella and Lizzie for years. And now that Anthony has passed away and I have to take his place, I am scared of going to the place that can be my home, finally. I am excited to see Bella of course, and I am determined to win her love, but I am scared nevertheless. I know she was attracted to me when I was there, but I doubt that she loved me. In fact, she made it quite clear that she didn't when Anthony asked her.
In hindsight, it wasn't the smartest idea to ask her in front of her husband, and that too without having declared my feelings for her. Why did I agree to Anthony's plan anyway?
Well, what is done is done. Tomorrow I leave for home, or at least I hope it will be home in the future.
-ATW-
I arrive late evening, and straightaway go to see my mother, even though James had let me know he would like to meet me as soon as I reach the hall. He can wait until the morning.
Mother greets me with a loving hug and tears in her eyes—of joy, she assures me. Then she holds me at arm's length and looks at me as if checking every part of me is intact. I can't help but laugh and ask her if I am missing an ear or have grown a third eye.
"Hush," she chastises fondly. "You can't imagine how much a mother misses her child, my son. I tried to imagine your face while reading the letters you wrote—not that there were many—and your voice addressing me as mother. Do you realise how long it's been since I saw you last?"
"What about a father?" I blurt without thinking.
She looks at me strangely, and I realise what I have almost given away. She can never know about Lizzie being mine.
"I mean, if Father would have been alive, do you think he would have missed me equally?"
My amendment seems to work as her face relaxes.
"I am sure he would have, son." Her eyes mist as she stares at me while thinking of him. "You look so much like him. And I am glad to see you looking well."
"I am well, Mother," I assure her. "Just a little tired from all the travelling and making all the arrangements before that. Do you mind if I go to bed early?"
She doesn't, of course, so we have a light supper and retire. However, it's a while before sleep comes to me. My mind is full of plans for the estate, of the impending meeting with James, and most of all the anticipation of seeing Bella the next morning.
James grumbles a little when I see him, but I pacify him by saying I didn't wish to disturb him so late. Finally he tells me that we have urgent business with the solicitor, so we will meet him first and get the legalities out of the way.
"I will inform Isabella that you will see her at three o'clock," he continues. My heart speeds up, but I maintain a neutral countenance. "At four, you will meet Jenks and begin to go through Anthony's correspondence and other documents related to the estate. I will remain here to help you settle down for this month, even though I don't have the time to spare." He raises an eyebrow to convey the importance of the statement, and I bite my tongue and smile in a grateful manner, curbing my instinct to tell him he is most welcome to leave right now if he wants to. That just won't do.
Somehow I keep a cool head throughout my meeting with the solicitor, even though my heart is demanding that I go and see Bella immediately. After all, it is important that the transfer of the title and the property to my name be without any loopholes. I will not allow James to dictate me, and for that it is essential that he has no power over me.
Finally it is three and I am shown into the small parlour, where I pace for a minute and then stand near the window and look at the garden outside, hoping to calm my mind. My eyes however continue to dart at the door, as soon as I hear her light footsteps my heartbeat rises. The next moment, my Bella enters the room.
I greet her with a bow and a suitable address, but my eyes are taking in every part of her appearance. She looks beautiful, a sight for sore eyes, yet she has changed in subtle ways. Her face is more rounded, though tinged with sorrow. The curves of her body are more pronounced, making her look more womanly. She seems to have grown into her title and her position as the mistress of Masen estate in the years we have been apart. Of course, Anthony had a lot of guests here, so it would have been necessary for Bella to wear the mantle of Lady Isabella.
Anthony. He is dead, and that is why I am here.
"I am truly sorry for your loss, Isabella," I say quietly. "Anthony was like a brother to me. His sudden passing away was a shock to me. I can only imagine it must have been even worse for you."
Her face betrays no emotion, but there is disbelief in her eyes. Does she think I am unaffected by his death?
She asks me if I would like to have tea. I agree so I can have a moment alone with her. I can't talk with her with the maid hovering behind.
Finally we are alone. She takes a single seat, but it doesn't matter. I am not going to have any distance between us now. I choose a footstool and sit in front of her, as close as possible. It is ill-mannered perhaps, but I can't help it.
"How are you, Isabella? Really?"
"I am well, my lord."
For goodness sake, stop giving me stock answers and look at me!
I want to touch her so badly, I take her hands in mine. She looks up in shock, and our eyes meet.
Oh Lord, the emotions swirling in them! The sweetness of her breath! I can almost feel the heat radiating from her cheeks. Another second, and I will lose my mind and kiss her. No, I will seat her in my lap and cover her face with kisses. Probably more. And the devil take the protocol!
I groan in frustration, and she jerks back as if burned.
"Don't you dare touch me!" Her eyes have fire in them now, enough to turn me into cinders.
I try to pacify her, but she is not ready to listen. She doesn't want me to call her Bella, and announces that I will never take her late husband's place.
I had not expected the transition to be easy, but her statement puzzles me. Could she really love Anthony after the cold shoulder he gave her for years? Or is it the guilt speaking?
The later, most probably. I have to give her time. Though how will she truly move on without knowing the whole truth, I don't know.
I shift back as well. "I don't intend to replace Anthony," I assure her, adding that this might be our second chance at happiness. That much is reasonable, isn't it? Surely she can see that she can't spend her whole life grieving after a man who had been her husband in name only? Even if she doesn't know the whole truth, she has gone through enough in the last few years.
However, she stubbornly declares that there will be no more happiness in her life. Well, let her believe it for the time being. I will change her mind soon enough.
I almost laugh when she says that I should marry someone else. Oh my Bella! You have no idea, do you? Nothing and nobody will stop me from making you mine, in word and in deed.
When I use James' first name, it shocks her. I am glad. Let her see how much I have changed, how much stronger I am. This time, I will truly take care of her.
"It is a pity girls can't inherit the title," she says, meaning that I wouldn't be needed to run the estate. Really? Does my being here displeases her so much?
But before I can ask her that, I am distracted by what it implies. My daughter.
Suddenly I cannot wait to see her, even though I am scared that she might consider me an outsider, an unwelcome presence in her life.
When I ask Bella if I can see Lizzie, she seems surprised. Even if Lizzie had been Anthony's, I would have wanted to know her. Is that so hard to imagine?
The tea arrives, and we dispense with it as quickly as possible. Bella eats little, which reminds me of Mrs Stanley's worry. It seems she hasn't been eating well since Anthony passed away. As for me, I just want to see my daughter without any more delay.
As we climb the stairs, my heart seems to be sinking to my stomach. My hands are clammy. What if she dislikes me, just as Bella seems to? I have some idea as to win Bella over, but a child? Though there were children among those who wanted to learn riding at my stable, none was as young as Lizzie. And even if any of them would have been, I would still be scared where my daughter is concerned.
"Please God, let her not hate me, at least."
Lizzie is colouring a picture in a big book, her expression a study in concentration. As soon as she sees Bella, she runs to her, smiling.
My daughter with her arms around Bella's neck. My daughter. My daughter.
Everything that I had lost has been restored to me. My family. My home.
Yes, at this moment, Masen Hall feels like home to me, for the first time in my life.
"Mamma, who is he?" she asks in a sweet voice even as she peeks at me.
Bella sits down with Lizzie in her lap. I want to sit with them, but perhaps it is too soon?
I take the chair opposite to them, and Bella introduces me to Lizzie as Lord Edward Masen. When prompted, Lizzie stands and curtsies to me, looking so adorable that my voice catches in my throat.
I answer her with some difficulty, then take a deep breath and tell her how beautiful she is, just like her mother.
When I ask her if I can call her Lizzie as Elizabeth is my mother's name as well, she surprises me by asking what she should call me. Of course, however much I want her to call me Papa, I can't ask her to do that. So I tell her to call me uncle for now.
It feels like a knife twisting in my heart that I can't let her know that she is my daughter, ever. It will destroy her life.
But, I vow, I will be a father to her. She will never feel the absence of one, be she five or twenty five. I might have missed years of her life, but I will make up for it, grow into the role of a father she will love one day.
She is a happy child. When I ask her to show me her colouring-book, she does so with no hesitation. For a few minutes, I lose myself in the world of colours and innocence.
Then Maggie, Lizzie's governess, appears and the spell is broken. Once again I am Lord Edward Masen, not a father. I am glad to see however that Maggie seems to be a nice woman, not unduly strict.
It's time to leave the nursery. I ask Lizzie if I can visit her again, and she agrees happily. However, Bella doesn't seem to be happy with the idea.
When I ask her if she minds my visiting Lizzie, she gives a roundabout answer, stating that Lizzie will be disappointed if I do not keep my word.
I know that the past is not easy to forget, but why would my effort to connect with Lizzie displease her so much? Does she not want Lizzie to have a father, or is it that she doesn't trust me to be a good one?
I don't want to cause her pain in any way, so I only say that I wish to know Lizzie better. Of course, it just slips out that I consider her an important part of our family, and Bella latches on to that.
"Our family," she repeats as if I have committed a crime by saying that. Of course, she takes it as my wish to replace Anthony in her life. It seems as if I cannot do anything right!
It embarrasses me, how much I want to do right in her eyes, to have her depend upon me, to need me.
I inform her that I will be in the office on most days though I am living with my mother for now. Perhaps she would want to speak with me in a few days, when her anger has cooled down and she is more amenable to the idea of marrying me.
She squashes my hope instantly, saying there would be no need for us to meet before the wedding as everything has been arranged as per James' instructions. I swallow my disappointment and my opinion on James' instructions.
"I will see you at the wedding, then," I say, add a polite goodnight and turn away. I have waited for years; I can wait thirty days more. After that, Bella will be mine.
Only I can't, of course. Before she has fully expelled her next breath, I turn around and snatch her close to me. Her lips open to protest against the embrace but I give her no opportunity to do so, covering them with mine. Her softness, her warmth, her fragrance—everything combines to rob me of all logic. Oh, it is heavenly to feel her lips moving against mine, to taste them one by one. I keep my tongue to myself, but my hands are not in my control, roaming on her back and pressing her to me, familiarising them with her new curves. Having her in my arms again is unbelievable. I have been dreaming of her every night, but the reality far surpasses the imagination.
I don't want to let her go, but of course I have to. My whole body is aching for her, though one particular part more so than the rest. Could she have felt it straining to get closer to her?
The stinging slap I feel on my cheek, combined with Bella's blazing eyes and furious expression, assures me that whether or not she felt my sword's longing to sheath itself inside her, she did not like the way I pounced on her.
Or did she? There was a flash of something like shame in her eyes before she slapped me. Can it be that she liked the kissing but thinks it is wrong to enjoy it so soon after losing Anthony? That is what society dictates to us, doesn't it?
She says she will do her duty when we are married. Not if I have any say in the matter. This time, her marriage will be all about love, not duty. I will give her so much love that she will forget the pain she has undergone in the past, the coldness of her supposed husband and the guilt she harbours in her heart. There will be adoration and laughter during the days, and excitement and lust during the nights. She will forget how empty, how barren her marital bed has been as I will worship her body and warm her heart. She will learn to enjoy her life again.
I answer her as if I am accepting a challenge and tell her that I will prove to her that she wants me as much as she did six years ago, but I will do much more than that. I will make her love me as I love her.
Dum Spiro Spero. That is the Masen family's motto on its coat-of-arms.
While I have breath, I have hope.
A.N. : Interestingly enough, I found a Masen family in the long list of titled English families of the past, and this was the motto they had. Fitting, isn't it?
Next outtake will be an EPOV of the early days of their marriage.
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