Harry Potter and the Order of the Chronic
KGB
I don't own any of the characters, all JKR, no profit to be made.
XxX
"You know mate you got off pretty light in my opinion." Ron said to Harry as he shoveled a pile of salty snacks into his mouth.
"I'm just saying you just left her there standing outside Hogwarts for how long? And she still accepted your apology and everything. I'm surprised she didn't kick you in the bollocks."
"Well all it takes is an extra point in speech and it boosts your charisma Ron. If I hadn't leveled up right before hand she would have surely dumped me." Harry said into the haze that blinded their cabin on the Hogwarts Express.
"Huh? What the bloody hell are you on about mate? A point in what?" Ron asked completely confused.
"Well maybe it wasn't that extra point into speech." Harry said with a laugh. "But the big fucking sparkily earrings that drained a good portion of my Gringotts account. That might have been the difference maker."
"Why the hell did I buy her those anyways? Her family is pretty loaded and now it seems so silly? Ideas? Anyone?" Harry said motioning to Dean and Luna who were in the cabin with Ron and himself.
"No idea mate." Dean said through clenched teeth before exhaling a large swath of smoke.
"I would guess a Wrackspurt. They often can cause people to become forgetful and lose track of their thoughts." Luna said in an airy manner before breaking into a fit of giggles muttering "Wrackspurt."
"Bloody mental that one is." Ron said motioning to Luna.
"Huh maybe we have an infestation of these Wrackspurts." Harry said rubbing his chin. "I mean I keep forgetting shit all the time."
Just then the cabin door opened and the smoke that had lingered went rushing into the hallway of the train. Hermione peered in through clenched eyes coughing "Are you done yet so I can come back in?"
"Yes Hermione by all means come back in." Harry said tossing out the tiny remaining piece of joint out the window. "You should have stuck around Hermione. Luna was telling this fascinating story about Crumpled Snorting Hats or something. And did you know we have an infestation of Wrackspurts hanging around here? You read books how do we rid ourselves of these vermin?"
Hermione rolled eyes. "You can't be serious."
Harry nodded.
"Well why don't you ask Umbridge, being your favorite teacher and all."
"Oy! I completely forgot to tell you all! I'm going to the most powerful wizard the world has ever known!" Harry said triumphantly.
Luna just started laughing hysterically, while the other three just exchanged exasperated looks.
"You are going to be the most powerful wizard?" Dean said with an air of disbelief.
"Okay, okay. Maybe not the most powerful wizard ever, but at Hogwarts." Harry said with nod.
It was quiet for a moment except for Luna randomly breaking into fits of hysteria.
"So care to explain yourself Harry or did you just feel the need to tell us this randomly?" Hermione said with a smile that seemed to say "Oh Harry you poor delusional, stoned idiot."
"Well right before I left Hogwarts I had gotten some devastating news about Chaz and I was so upset that I ended up just wandering around the halls of the castle and then the Hutt approached me and made me an offer I couldn't refuse."
Ron and Dean looked at Hermione with a look of complete bewilderment "Did you get any of that?"
Hermione shook her head.
"Isn't it obvious? Harry got some bad news about Cedric Diggory, got lost in the Hogwarts, and was offered a position by Umbridge that will give him a great amount of power of course." Luna said in as if it wasn't completely obvious.
"A position? Doing what exaclty?" Hermione said sharply now focusing on Harry.
"That is the best part Hermione I'm going to be heading up some terrorist investigation squad like the KGB or something. We shall be comrades!"
"You mean us! Not terrorist! She wants you to track down us for studying Defense Against the Dark Arts without her permission." Hermione hissed in a seething whisper.
"I didn't say that Hermione. I don't even remember thinking that... Damned Wrackspurts." Harry said waving his arms above his head much to Luna's delight.
"But in all honesty Hermione... you are probably right." Harry said with a nod as the compartment went quiet again.
"That is all you can say? That I'm probably right? You no good selfish-"
XxX
"Hermione hit you?"
"That is what I said Mick! Swear can't even be happy for me and my promotion." Harry said with a shake of his head as her rubbed the side of his head.
"Promotion?" McLaggen asked.
"Oh yeah I forgot to tell you me and you are heading up this KGB hit squad where we are going to run the school and shit."
"Run the school?"
"Yeah Mick. I signed you up cause I knew you would be all about it, but unfortunately Hermione hates you because of it so I think that bridge is burned." Harry said as they departed the Hogwarts Express.
The conversation with his original cabin mates for some reason had taken a turn for the worse and Hermione had ended up striking Harry till he had found refuge with his muscle, Cormac McLaggen.
"Harry you know we had a deal. I got Hermione you got my help with protection." McLaggen said hotly.
"Listen Mick this is a great opportunity. I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset our great professor Umbridge by rejecting her offer?"
McLaggen grabbed Harry by the front of his shirt. "I didn't sign up-"
"Ahem, ahem."
McLaggen froze and immediately let go of Harry brushing down the front of Harry's shirt.
Umbridge leaned in close "I hear good things about you young Cormac McLaggen. You just stay on the right side of this and Harry and myself will make sure you are rewarded for your loyalty." she softly whispered into Cormac's ear.
Cormac grimaced, but nodded his head in consent.
"Good I shall see you both at our first meeting of the Inquisitorial Squad." Umbridge said happily before walking amongst the students pointing out various infractions and their punishments.
Cormac rubbed the ear that Umbridge had whispered into as if he were trying to remove something vile. "I think she might be trying to seduce me."
Harry laughed.
XxX
"Now I believe that we all have a valid understanding of what the Inquisitorial Squad will be doing." Umbridge said to the room full of students she had hand picked as loyal to the Ministry of Magic and whom would never dare state that You-Know-Who had returned.
"Our job is to discipline those that attempt to spread lies and propaganda against the Ministry of Magic. We are also to seek out and stop any attempts to subvert Ministry activity at Hogwarts. This of course includes groups and students who constantly violate the rules."
"We really have the same level of authority as Prefects?"
"Don't forget to raise your hand Mr. Malfoy." Umbridge said with a tsk tsk.
"Yes you will have the same authority as Prefects and be able to deduct house points and issue detentions. If you feel an infraction warrants a far more stricter punishment you should report your findings to myself or the Inquisitorial Squad's leader who I believe has just arrived."
Harry and Cormac walked into the room dressed in Russian Army military garb. Harry tipped his hat. "Greetings comrades!"
"You can't be serious!" Malfoy shouted in protest.
"Hand Mr. Malfoy!" Umbridge hissed at him her eyes gleaming dangerously.
"Not to worry er... mam?" Harry said with a whisper patting Umbridge on the arm. "I shall handle my soldiers." He said using a fake Russian accent.
Umbridge nodded a few times still struggling with herself for not punishing Draco's outburst.
"I shall leave you in the very capable hands of Mr. Potter and Mr. McLaggen." Umbridge said to the students before departing the room still shaking slightly.
XxX
Harry stood smiling at the room filled with Slytherins.
"As I said before greeting comrades! And welcome to the KGB!"
"It is the Inquisitorial Squad Potter." Malfoy sneered.
Harry ignored Malfoy's comment and continued on.
"In this group we shall be comrades in arms and drink a whole fuck ton of vodka. That is rule number 1. There is no rule number 2."
"I am so going to report you Potter." Malfoy said with a laugh. "You won't last two days before getting booted out of this group. When my father hears about this he will-"
"Now that we have been over the rules. We have another announcement that will not be pleasant for some us." Harry said interrupting Malfoy's rant. "Not all of us will fortunately be comrades in the upcoming fight. Some of us will have to be cut." Harry said with a grim shake of his head.
"Now those of you who have treated me like shit and hated me and hated my friends and generally belong to a house that has a snake as its mascot are most likely not going to make it into the KGB. You may leave." Harry said motioning to the door.
There was many hostile remarks and threats as the Slytherin students began to pack up their things muttering about the whole thing being a waste of time.
"Well not you two back there." Harry called out to a couple of Slytherin's in the back. "You Blaise can stay, Crabbe, Goyle take a seat. You two over there. You... Yes you the ugly one have a seat. You tall girl sit down." Harry said motioning to various students around the room till only Malfoy was left standing.
Harry leaned back on the desk at the front of the room strumming his fingers on the desk. As he stared absentmindedly around the room. After a long moment he turned to McLaggen "This is a little awkward."
McLaggen chuckled and nodded.
"Fuck you Potter!" Malfoy shouted. "Come on Crabbe, Goyle! We are getting out of here." Malfoy stormed for the door whipping it open and turned, but Crabbe and Goyle were still seated.
"Come on!" Malfoy shouted back at Crabbe and Goyle.
"Sorry Draco, but they throw the best parties and we are never invited!" Goyle said before ducking his head in shame. Crabbe grunted some garble of a response as he looked away from Malfoy.
Malfoy stood for a few moments his face growing red with rage. "Fuck you Crabbe, Goyle! Fuck all of you!" Malfoy screamed before storming out slamming the door behind him.
Harry took a deep breath and dusted off his hands.
"Well now that the riff raff is gone we can officially celebrate the forming of the KGB comrades!" Harry shouted in a celebratory manner raising his arms high in the air.
Harry motioned to his schoolbag.
"Mick the vodka and joints if you would please."
XxX
End Chapter