Harry Potter and the Order of the Chronic

LOST

I don't own any of the characters, all JKR, no profit to be made.

XxX

A paper airplane whirled through the air curling as if caught in a breeze, though there was no breeze. The plane turned sharply and swooped in colliding with its unsuspecting target.

"Urgghh! What the fuck!" Nott exclaimed brushing the paper airplane down to the ground and stomping on it.

"Harry I thought you kind of knew where we were going?" Hermione asked Harry as she brushed away a paper airplane that flew past her. The group that had went to the Ministry of Magic to save Harry's Godfather Sirius Black had spent the better part of an hour wandering around the Ministry of Magic and was now caught up in a swarm of paper airplane's devoted to carry messages about the facility.

"Incendio." Cormac mutterd with a wave of his wand charring a group of planes that had swooped into his path.

"Well that wasn't very nice. What did they ever do to you?" Harry said as he took a drag off a joint and passed it to Katie Bell.

"Harry this is serious. You shouldn't be smoking that. You need to focus. If Sirius is in trouble-"

"Whoa, Whoa, relax Hermione." Harry said with a shake of his head. "I'm starting to think this whole thing is a waste of our time. I mean it doesn't make sense. If he was here we would have found something by now."

"You do realize we haven't been through half this building yet and it might be ridiculously oversized with magic." Katie said with a huff of smoke and a cough as she knocked down another plane. "Why don't you use those Seeker skills and snatch up these planes Harry?"

"Oh yeah. Seeker skills. I knew I forgot about something this year? Did we ever have any more quidditch matches this year?" Harry said with a thoughtful expression.

"Yeah, but Ginny just took your place. You didn't seem to mind so Angelina never bothered to tell you. I mean you never showed up to any of the practices so we just kind of figured you didn't want to play."

"Well that my dear Bell was probably a good assumption." Harry said with a shrug. "I should have bought my phone. This whole relying on birds and elves is ridiculous. I could have just called Sirius. Mick you sure about what that cracked out elf told you?"

"Yeah pretty sure."

"Ugghh... fine lets going marching on dear soldiers. I mean how many more floors can this place have. I mean seriously even magical people have to get bored with creating random spaces that do nothing ex..."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Harry exclaimed as he had opened a door to a large round room that had dozens of doors leading every which way.

"This is going to take awhile." Nott said.

XxX

"Lucius I think maybe we should call this off."

"We call off nothing!" Bellatrix Lestrange hissed. "The Dark Lord demands the prophecy and we won't leave till the Potter brat shows up and gets it for us!"

"I'm just saying he should have been here by now. Clearly he isn't coming."

"Both of you just stop." Lucius Malfoy said to Nott Sr. and Bellatrix. He rubbed his hand on his forehead in exasperation. Lucius couldn't help, but agree with Nott Sr. Potter should have been here by now. The Dark Lord had assured him that Potter would take the bait of his Godfather being attacked. Yet Potter wasn't here and they were. It would only be a matter of time before the Ministry personnel showed back up and he was risking his position in society over a prophecy that was one aisle over, but they couldn't touch due to the powerful magic placed upon it.

"You know if the Dark Lord had just come with us we could have had the prophecy by now and been gone with no one being the wiser." Nott Sr. said from an aisle over examining the prophecy.

"The risk is to high!" Bellatrix spat.

"What did I just tell you two?" Lucius said his temper rising.

"You know why don't we just cut around it? Then just carry the damned thing out of here?"

"Well... Well... We can't! See cause of the stuff... and the planning! And just shut up!" Bellatrix shrieked as she stormed into the next aisle to confront Nott.

"You are just mad cause the Dark Lord is losing his marbles."

"He is not! And if you ever say another thing about the Dark Lord I will kill you!" Bellatrix shouted pulling out her wand and pointing it dangerously at Nott.

"Hey you have been in Azkaban and haven't heard some of the crazy shit he makes Peter do. Have you seen the massive amount of muggle food he makes him get? There are boxes, cartons and bags everywhere! Nando, KFC, Burger King! I never even heard of half this stuff." Nott Sr. said defensively raising his hands. "Back me up here Lucius."

"I mean the guy goes on random tangents about crazy things. Like Enterprise and Star Destroyers! What does that even mean! And what weapon he would need during a zombie apocalypse. Reapers vs the Empire! What the hell is talking about! Clearly he isn't right in the head!"

"Shut up!" Bellatrix screamed.

"Quiet the both of you!" Lucius hissed sniffing the air. "What is that smell?"

"Lucius Malfoy? What the fuck are you doing here?" Harry said through a haze of smoke.

"Dad what the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"Theodore?"

"It is Potter! Get him!"

XxX

"Keep Potter alive! Kill the rest!" Bellatrix shouted with delight

"Wait! What the fuck are you on about Lestrange! My son is with him!"

"Well then he shouldn't be consorting with Potter! He dies! Just like you Nott! You never should have insulted the Dark Lord." Bellatrix said with a dark glee in her eyes.

"Wait that thing is the prophecy everyone is making a fuss about?" Harry said pointing at the glowing orb on a shelf.

"Harry we need to run!" Hermione said grabbing Harry's hand dragging him backwards.

Bellatrix laughed. "You can run, but you will never escape! You die first traitor!"

"Dildaus" Harry shouted.

"Avada Ke-"

Bellatrix never got to finish the killing curse as a massive slab of silicone slammed into the side of her face. Bellatrix staggered back as a few teeth went flying from her mouth and her eyes crossed briefly before she collapsed to the ground.

Harry stood over her his wand reformed into the massive shape of a seven pound dildo. "See Hermione you said this was disgusting magic, but did you just see what I did to this crazy psycho bitch."

It was quiet for a few moments as everyone processed what they had just witnessed.

"Scatter!" Harry shouted as he ran grabbing Hermione and pulling her with him. "Where the hell is everyone?"

"They ran of course you dolt!"

"That was probably a good idea, but did you see how awesome that magic was?" Harry said as he dashed from the aisles of prophecies.

"So... are we still getting him? Because he is getting away." Asked a lowly Death Eater at the end of the aisle.

Lucius nodded staring down at the defeated limp form of Bellatrix in shock.

"Yes... yes get them."

"Don't harm my son guys! I'm getting him and getting the fuck out of this fucking band of misfits."

XxX

"Thanks for abandoning me back there." Harry said his arms outstretched in disbelief as he and Hermione arrived into the large circular room with a ridiculous amount of doors. Katie, Theo, and Cormac were there catching their breath.

"Well we didn't want to die. What the hell were you doing standing around like an idiot?" Katie asked.

"Is my dad okay?"

"Yes Nott unlike yourself and these cowards I bravely took down a bitch with one swift stroke of my mighty wand."

"Harry we need to leave now!" Hermione shrieked at him shoving him along.

"Fine, fine lets get going."

"We need to get to the main entrance Hall Harry. I sent a letter-" Katie began to say.

"This way! I can hear them!" A muffled shout came as one of the doors buckled in and exploded into the room.

"Here they are!" A covered Death Eater shouted as he shot a spell into the room.

"Get to the entrance hall!" Katie shouted as she grabbed Hermione and dragged her through a door.

Cormac and Harry made their escape through another door.

"Mick do you know the way to the entrance hall from here?"

"No."

"Take this corridor to the last door then take the stairs to the main level, then just straight down the main hall and go left at the end."

Harry looked over his shoulder seeing the Death Eater that Theo had referred to as Dad carrying Theo running behind them.

"We'll take a different way. Better to split them up and keep them searching."

"Uh right." Harry said wheezing as he and Cormac ran in the direction Nott Sr. had instructed them to go.

XxX

Harry leaned against a wall breathing heavily as he stared at the fountain located in the main entrance of the Ministry of Magic.

"I am going to write a strongly worded letter about the amount of stairs in this place."

Cormac chuckled a bit as he took a long deep breath.

"I suppose you would spoil this place of magic with some disgusting muggle device."

Harry turned to see what looked like a hideously deformed man. "Uh yeah that sounds about right. Um I don't suppose you are with the Ministry of Magic?"

The man began to laugh hysterically.

"You think I the greatest wizard to ever live is a lowly Ministry of Magic employee?"

"Well being you are in the Ministry of Magic it would make sense."

"It pains me that you don't remember our encounter from your first year at Hogwarts." The man hissed softly with a small chuckle.

"Holy shit! Riddle is that you? You look different when you aren't sticking out of the back of someone else's head!" Harry exclaimed.

Voldermort's eyes narrowed dangerously and he gave a sharp nod.

Harry felt a massive strike hit him in the back of the head and collapsed grabbing his head in pain. He gasped as he rolled over on his back. He looked up to see Cormac standing over him with a deadly serious look on his face.

"You know Harry. You really should have stuck to our original agreement and let me have Granger."

"Are you kidding Mick? You backstabbing...! Et tu, Brute?" Harry pleaded.

"You treated me like garbage Harry and took the girl I loved. You and your band of stoned misfits never stood a chance. What did you think I was doing while you destroyed Hogwarts? I was making things right and the Dark Lord promised to deliver what you failed to!" Cormac said with a hint of madness in his voice.

Harry pushed himself back against a pillar on the side of the room shaking his head in disbelief. "Well what do we do now? You want a prophecy and I want you to leave me alone."

"Oh we'll get the-"

"Shut up!" Voldemort said shoving Cormac back. "He wasn't talking to you."

Voldemort focused on Harry his eyes narrowing in vindictive glee. "Oh we'll get the prophecy and as for you Potter. You will die for the pain and agony you have caused me. Cormac told me everything about you. How silly of me to think you possessed some sort of powerful magic to influence me. Instead it was just marijuana the whole time."

"I still have some if you want to smoke it." Harry said pulling out a crumpled joint.

Voldemort chuckled. "It won't work Harry Potter. I have come up with a solution to keep your pot ridden mind out of mine."

"That is good news." Harry said lighting up his joint.

"I will kill you."

"That isn't so good of news." Harry said shaking his head. "Listen Tom lets just put this in the past and go our separate ways."

Voldemort chuckled and smiled wickedly at Harry as he raised his wand.

Harry cringed.

"Avada Kedavra!"

XxX

End Chapter