17th January

11.30pm

I told Katiya yesterday exactly what Miss Rogers told me. She deserves to know the truth, and she will never trust us fully if we are not honest with her about her father, however difficult it might be. She took it a lot easier at first than I had expected. It was almost as if I was confirming her worst fears rather than telling her something new and shocking. She has already lost everyone important to her, it is tragic that she could have lost Illya too. She sat very still and silent in her chair, thanked me politely for telling her and asked to be excused. I asked her if she wanted company and she said she would like to go to sit alone in her room please?

Since when do children ask to do that? I knew she was hiding her feelings from me, but she had to trust me enough to come to me herself. If she does not, then I have failed her. I know I am not her mother, but I really do try to be the next best thing for her, and up until that moment, I thought I had been doing okay. After all, Polly is a normal, healthy, happy child. On the other hand, Polly doesn't know what it is like to lose someone she loves. Yet, at least.

I didn't record a diary entry yesterday, because I was so worried about Katiya. We had still heard nothing from UNCLE, and Katiya was refusing to leave her room, or to eat. Polly told me the child simply sat cross legged on her bed all night long, staring out of the window at the stars. She wouldn't talk, but she wasn't weeping either. I prayed desperately that the poor child would open up. I went in several times through the day, but all I got for my efforts was a stubborn expression and shake of the head. She was even refusing to drink until I reminded her that her papa would want her to be healthy when he gets home.

Well, I know it is late, but Katiya came into our room just a little while ago. Wint and I were both asleep, but she stood still and silent beside the bed, and…well, you know how it is? For some reason, I just knew she was there and needed me, and I woke up. I sat up and held out my arms to her.

"Hey baby, are you alright, honey?"

Wint too woke up at that moment.

"How are you doing, sweetie? Can't sleep?"

Katiya stared at us silently for a moment more, then the dam broke and she finally started to cry. She admitted to us how very much she loved and missed her papa, and when he was away she said it was his calls that kept her happy because she knew he was alive and thinking about her. Now she had not heard from him for ages, and he might be dead and she wanted to be too so that she could be with him again.

"My mama died, and my first papa died, then babushka died, then dedushka and all I had was Uncle Illya…my new papa, and I don't want to lose him too…"

She broke into sobs, and it was all we could do not to break down with her. Wint rocked her, stroking her hair, and I sang the Russian lullaby Illya had taught me, and presently her sobs subsided and she fell asleep.

So here I am catching up, with Katiya sleeping between us. Wint and I are now fully awake and watching over her. We are going to have to do all in our power to keep her mind fully occupied, until we get news one way or the other. It's the not knowing that is so crippling for the poor child. And there is so little we can say to her, except to try and keep hope alive.