How about last night's episode? F*** everything. I'm so tired of the way the writers continually do things to ruin Regina's happiness but don't even give her adequate scenes to address her emotions. so, that's exactly what I'll do in this fanfic because I know they'll just gloss over her mourning and keep shafting her. anyways, I guess this story will be my way to vent a little. let me know what you think x
Regina grimaced as she opened her eyes to the sunlight peeking through the curtains. Her house was cold and drafty, the clock in the upstairs hall chiming the time to be well into the afternoon. Her body ached with grief, making her not want to move from her curled up position on Robin's side of the bed.
It still smelled like him; forest with an undertone of spices and musk. It smelled like home, made her stomach swirl sickly with longing for her soulmate. She buried her face into the pillow, inhaling shakily to get the sense of being near him once again. Though it wasn't enough. It never was.
Regina thought she'd be past this stage of grief now, being three months since he'd been gone. Some nights were better than others, but most mornings she still woke up with a literal pain in her chest. At least it was more of a dull ache now since she'd abandoned her heart in her vault.
Her soulmate was gone. She could never imagine truly being happy. Opening herself up to the idea of love again had been terrifying enough when Robin came into her life and she vowed that she would never make that same mistake. Everyone close to her got hurt. Love blinded her. She let out a bitter laugh upon the realization that Cora was right...her heart was a weakness.
Still, she wanted him to be alive so badly. She needed Robin. Her head pounded as fresh tears blurred her vision, reddening her already puffy eyes from the amount of crying she'd done hours before. How could she be going through this again? After everything she'd been through, how could have failed to protect yet another great love of her life? She gritted her teeth in anger at herself as the tears spilled out over her cheeks and onto Robin's pillow.
The sadness that flowed through her veins slowly began to turn to anger, per the usual daily routine. Steeling herself and channeling that despair into rage was the only way she could pull herself together. It was the only way she could manage not to crumble at every reminder of her thief. They were everywhere, a forgotten toy of Roland's wedged in the couch cushion or finding a random I love you note her soulmate had written and left for her as he often did. These reminders knocked the wind out of her when she discovered them, made her body feel like lead and threaten to collapse.
So during the day, she'd force herself to be angry, to let the hatred absorb her mind and soul. It was all too familiar and welcoming. The hate warmed her cold bones and ignited a fire in her for vengeance. She allowed it, even welcomed it, for the rage was easier to deal with than the heartbreak. It worked during the day while she spent her time brooding and planning revenge, fantasizing about how she could ruin everyone who had ever wronged her. Though when night fell the loneliness crept up inside of her as it always did, causing her throat to tighten with tears and a melancholy heaviness pressed down on her chest as if it were moments away from suffocating her.
For three months her nights had been spent like this. Small increments of sleep occurred when she cried herself into exhaustion, only to wake up in tears from dreaming of her lost love. Sometimes she'd try to combat it with drinking, but usually she'd throw herself into the feeling, each time praying that when the sun rose again she'd feel better. But her hope was lost, buried six feet under with the love of her life. So the cycle continued each day and night.
Regina pushed herself into a sitting position from the bed, her body feeling heavy and the exertion making her light headed. She needed to at least make it out of bed and attempt to focus on something other than her misery. She needed a plan of action, something to ease her mind and give her a reason to keep going. Sure, she had contemplated ending it all many times. What else did she have to live for?
Henry...Even though she'd removed herself from his life she couldn't leave him completely. He probably hated her by this point and she knew it was for the best, but she couldn't bring herself to leave this world. She'd keep an eye on Henry from a distance, make sure that he was safe from harm and do her best to make sure he was happy. Even if he didn't know she was doing it.
Her feet hit the cold floor, sending chills up her spine as she rose from her bed. The heat wasn't on in her home and she preferred it that way, for she'd done away with the electric for the most part. The blinds were drawn, blocking out as much sun as she could manage. It was beginning to feel like her dark castle and the familiarity of the environment comforted her in a sadistic way.
Regina walked slowly down her hallway, running her hand down the railing of the stairs as she descended them. Pain hit her like a punch to the stomach as she entered her kitchen, mentally envisioning the evenings when her home was full of life. She could see herself at the counter cooking, Roland on a stool beside her and sneaking bites of the dessert they made while Henry sat across from them, engrossed in his comic books but chiming in every now and then. Robin would come home and embrace her from behind at the counter, kissing the spot on her neck that promised a passionate night was in store for them. She missed his touch. Craved it, even.
Shaking the vision from her mind, she made her way to the counter, glancing at the clock on the oven as she grabbed a bottle of merlot from the cabinet. It was only a few hours past noon, but what did the time matter anyways? Her body adhered to no schedule and she had nothing else to fill her time besides taking the edge off of her physical discomfort. She filled a glass halfway, picking up it and the bottle before making her way out of the kitchen, leaving it's memories behind.
Regina made her way through the foyer, downing most of the first glass. She hesitated when she reached the archway leading into the den, staring into the space for a moment. Roland's blanket still draped over the chair they used to cuddle in. Her eyes focused in on it, fresh tears welling as her heart constricted. She missed the little boy she'd come to think of as her own. He was now back in the Enchanted Forest after returning with his godfather, Little John.
A few weeks after Regina had returned from the Underworld she'd missed Henry and Roland so much she actually considered going to get them. For a moment she thought she could rise above and not let the darkness consume her. She thought that if she focused all of her energy on raising Henry and Roland she could stay on track. So she came out of hiding on a mission to find her son, defying her instincts to stifle her vulnerability. After checking Emma's and Snow's to find no one home, she spotted him through the window at Granny's. He sat with his grandparents, mother and Hook as they all shared a meal. He looked happy despite her absence; they all did.
Regina hadn't been able to go inside for the sudden guilt and self loathing that the scene evoked in her. Guilt that she'd abandoned her son because of her own grief, ignoring him like the selfish person she was. Self loathing because she'd removed herself from their lives and they all were fine, laughing over dinner and seeming almost happier with her gone. Were they happier because her dark influence was out of their lives? Was Henry better off without her?
She'd disappeared in a purple cloud of smoke before anyone could spot her out in town, transporting herself to the edge of the forest near the Merry Men's camp. Regina thought Roland still might at least need her. He was an orphan now, after all, and she was the closest to a parent that he had left. Her guilt only increased as she considered this while she approached the camp. Roland had lost his father and she wasn't even there to comfort him.
Her steps quieted as she got closer to the tents of their camp, seeing the fire in the middle where the men huddled. She swallowed a gasp of emotion when she saw Roland, sitting on Little John's lap. The large man was bouncing his knee, imitating a horse as Roland sat on it, erupting in giggles. He was okay, even able to laugh despite undoubtedly missing his father. Her self hatred ate away at her as she caught herself disappointed that he didn't miss her. Roland was okay, happy with Little John and the Merry Men, and that was all that mattered.
Regina stepped behind one of the large oak trees, still hidden by the darkness of the camp's outskirts while she berated herself. How could she abandon her boys due to her own grief and then be surprised when they didn't miss her? She wasn't a good mother. A good mother would've never left them in the care of others in the first place. It was best that they were content where they were. Without her.
Voices in a nearby tent brought her from her thoughts, causing her to turn her head to the side to listen closer. She recognized them as being a few of the other Merry Men, discussing what happened and what seemed to Regina to be plans for the next day. Her heart sank, bile rising in her throat as she heard of the groups' plan to leave Storybrooke and return to their former home via a portal Emma had created for them at their request. By the next day Roland would be gone from her life forever, just as his father was.
A knot forming in Regina's throat at the memory caused her to swallow hard and refocus her thoughts. She tore her stare from Roland's blanket, deciding against going into the den where they'd spent so many happy moments as a family. No, that was yet another room in her home she wanted to avoid. Suddenly a muffled sound drew her attention from where she stood in the archway, wine in hand.
Her brow's pursed as she tilted her head to the side, trying to determine where it had come from. She set her bottle and glass down gently on the table in the foyer, quietly wandering around the large staircase towards where she thought the disturbance had happened. As she approached the hall near her office door she paused, listening carefully for any sign of an intruder. The opening and closing sound of a desk drawer made adrenaline rush through her body. Someone had gotten past her protection spell and into her home. And they were about to regret it.
Rage bubbled within her instantaneously at the intrusion of her privacy, deep purple magic glowing from her hands without a conscious effort on her part to procure it. She brought her palms up, forcing the door open without physically touching it, making it rattle on the hinges as it flew back with gusto and she stepped in.
"What in the hell do you think you're doing?" She growled, eyes focusing in on the man standing behind her desk rummaging through her things. James stared back at her with a blank stare, obviously not expecting anyone to be home. He looked just like David but with a distinguishing darkness to his features. His hair and eyes were a shade deeper than his twin's and his clothing style was significantly different. There were a few more lines on his features than baby faced David's and a five o'clock shadow that made him look a few years older.
"So this is the Evil Queen's castle in Storybrooke?" He arched a brow a little, not showing any sign of fear which infuriated her even more. He dropped the papers on the desk he'd been going through before continuing, "Sorry your majesty, I didn't realize you were home," He added with a hint of a smirk.
"I asked what you were doing here?" She gritted through her teeth, stalking towards him like an animal about to devour her prey. He was the one she'd planned to take care of first to avenge Robin. She just didn't think it would be this easy to catch him. The thought brought a wicked grin to her features, which only caused his smirk to become more evident. Idiot.
"You should really see what Cruella's done to your place down below," He stepped away from the desk, casually making his way around it as if he wasn't intimidated by her in the slightest, "I don't know you that well but something tells me your style is a bit more...refined than fake fur rugs and diamond chandeliers," His eyes scanned her body, making Regina all too aware that she was only wearing a sleek, thin nightie.
"Were you attempting to rob me?" She looked up at him when he came closer, hating the fact that she wasn't in heels, allowing him to tower over her. She almost laughed at how perfect it was that he would come here of all places; ideas of trapping him here and various methods of torture dancing in her mind, bringing her to life.
"To be fair, your house looks like the most likely in Storybrooke to have valuables in it and it has been dark for months now," James shrugged with an arrogance that made what she was about to do to him all the more satisfying. "I didn't realize you were hiding out like I've been. You should've called me, misery loves company, you know," His eyes traveled over her curves again, lust causing his eyes to darken a few shades.
"You have no idea how much I've considered paying you a visit," She grinned sadistically, raising her hand that was cupped in a choke hold position and causing James' expression to change rapidly. The fear that flashed on his face at her manic change of mood gave her a thrill beyond belief, making her feel the closest to pleasure she'd felt in months. She'd forgotten how satisfying it was to see the panic on someone's face when they realized their life was about to end.
Regina's hand blazed purple as she reached out to grip his neck with her magic, expecting to raise him off the ground with one swift motion and slam his body against the wall. To her surprise he stood still, as if her magic had no effect. He looked shocked for a moment before a relieved and then arrogant smile returned to his features. She glanced at her hand before back at him, rage bubbling to the surface.
"You know I just swiped this from Gold's thinking I could pawn it for money, but it looks like it's much more valuable than that," James pulled the black diamond from his pocket that sparkled with activation, twirling it in his fingers as Regina watched too angry and shocked to speak. He'd stolen a powerful magic gem from Rumple that gave him protection and dark magic while in his possession. It also must have been how he was able to get past her protection spell. What else did he have up his sleeve?
"You may have gotten off easy this time but that isn't real," Regina hissed, stepping up to face him with a menacing expression, "You're just a simple, powerless idiot like your brother. And when I catch you off guard, I'm going to make you wish you'd let me kill you today."
His eyes narrowed at the mention of David, "That's where you're wrong, Queen. I'm nothing like my brother, and you'd be wise to remember that," He reached a hand up between them, gripping her chin with his thumb and forefinger to lift her gaze, forcing her to meet his threatening glare. Before she could retaliate, he evaporated in a cloud of black smoke, leaving her vibrating with anger. Just like that, Regina found purpose to her life again; to destroy James, if it were the last thing she would do.