Part 19
Dr Ferry was a calm, middle-aged man with receding blonde hair and kindly blue eyes that swept over the tall, anxious shape facing him. He gestured to the comfortable, brown leather chair facing him. Hiccup's emerald eyes swept the room worriedly.
"Um...isn't there a couch? I kinda expected there to be one so when you psychoanalysed me and I freak out, I was already lying down..." he gabbled. The psychologist gave a warm smile and gestured across his bright, airy room, the blue rug calming against the beige-washed floorboards and pale lemon walls.
"I have a couch but many find it intimidating," he replied calmly, watching Hiccup warily lower himself in the chair. Then he turned to the shape of the woman standing by him, his hand still trailing towards hers. "It isn't usual to conduct analysis with a partner present because..." Hiccup yelped in embarrassment.
"Aargh! She's not my partner! I mean, sorry, that didn't come out right..." he began. Because I would really like her to be, oh Thor please... "I mean she is my very best friend and well, you'll see I wouldn't be able to be here at all without her and she makes me feel safe and that didn't come out right either..." Dr Ferry sighed and gestured to a second chair, watching Astrid sit down, her eyes apologetic.
"He asked if I would come in with him, doctor," she said calmly. "I am a friend. I can sit back out of your eye-line if you prefer..."
"Hmm...I think you are fine where you are, Miss...?"
"Astrid Hofferson," she answered and blushed.
"Now, Mr Haddock...or would you prefer if I called you...?"
"Hiccup," he said. "Probably because it's my name." The doctor raised an eyebrow at the sarcasm. "Sorry, I just..."
"Are you self-conscious of your name?" Dr Ferry asked and Hiccup sighed.
"I mean, come on!" he protested. "I have my traditionalist father to blame of being landed with a good old Viking name that labels me for ever as the runt of the littler-or possibly an involuntary reflex if you're not a Viking descendent!"
"Do you resent your father for that?" the psychologist asked him, sitting back and steepling his fingers.
"Um... no-because he's dead," Hiccup said firmly. "I love Dad and miss him like crazy. I mean, he was huge and lacked any form of subtlety and was overbearing but he supported me in what I wanted to do with my life, he looked after me when Mom died and he loved me constantly. And he died very suddenly in the middle of a business meeting...stroke, they said." He took a slow breath. "He really was my only real family. I have a cousin who has insulted and bullied me from childhood and his family who look down on me like...a disappointment."
Dr Ferry nodded encouragingly and Hiccup's eyes glittered with annoyance.
"I came here because I was involved in a car accident and I have really struggled since then," he continued. "I know I need help getting through this. I want to be able to function again."
"And you can't now?" the psychologist asked. Hiccup shook his head.
"My confidence is shot," he said. "I get flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks. I freeze. I can't get in a car. I panic if I see a truck. I have hidden in my apartment for many weeks and every rejection just makes it worse..." At that, the psychologist's brow furrowed.
"Rejection?" he asked softly. "I think you probably need to tell me what happened?" Hiccup paused and then nodded, taking a shuddering breath and his hand grasping Astrid's for strength. The doctor's eyes noted this and he nodded encouragement.
"I saw the truck coming and we had nowhere to go-so I turned the wheel to spare my then-fiancee the impact. I know in that second I may well die-but I couldn't let her suffer if I could avoid it. And then we were hit and everything was noise and pain and blackness. But it was suddenly hard to breathe, my stomach was agonising and so was my left leg, which was crushed between the metal. Ana was hurt, her arm broken but they got her out easily. I was trapped and the medics got more and more worried as it got cold and dark.
In the end, they realised I would die if they didn't get me out of there soon-it was pushing four hours. And the only option they had was to amputate my leg at the scene. They gave me an injection, ketamine, that was supposed to ease the pain and help me forget. But I felt everything and saw everything as they cut my leg off. And I screamed the whole way through the procedure. I went into shock, taken in the ambulance to the hospital and straight to surgery. I woke up three weeks later in the ICU, having undergone four surgeries and nearly died. I was down half a leg and I have so many scars..."
He paused and gripped Astrid's hand tighter. She glanced at him and saw him shaking so her fingers slid between his and gently squeezed.
"And I had just woken when Ana came to visit," he continued, his voice shaking. "She had been notified as my next of kin. But she-she didn't stay. She looked at me and as-as I said how happy I was to see her, she..." He paused. "She told me it was off. That I was no longer desirable. That she was repulsed by the fact I wasn't whole, that she couldn't even bear to touch me. That I was less than human because I was missing a piece of my leg. That it was my fault she had been hurt. That I should just crawl away and die-because that was all I was good for!" He took a shuddering breath.
"And I didn't give up. I-I tried to call her, to explain. Pathetic, huh?" A grim smile lifted his bloodless features. "She blocked me. She changed her status to single and unfriended me. She told everyone she had been seriously injured when she only had a broken arm and some bruises. She blamed me for being reckless and causing the accident. She became the victim. And she told all her friends I was unreasonable when I woke up-so she broke up with me." He was trembling all over now, blinking frequently with his head bowed. "So when I called my friends, I was blanked by them-or handed a mouthful of abuse. They all told me to get lost...so when I needed them most, they abandoned me. I-I had to take a taxi home when I was finally released-and being in a car, on my own with someone I didn't know, dodging between lanes and zipping past trucks...I couldn't take it. I panicked. I screamed and-and the driver dumped me by the side of the road, half a mile from home. I could barely walk and it was freezing. It took me two hours to get home."
"That must have been very difficult for you," Dr Ferry said. Hiccup shuddered, sighing.
"Difficult? That's where you're going? Oh, that's just fantastic!" he managed sarcastically. "I-I tried to get out...I tried to go to a couple of venues that were close to home...but I was blanked or felt so awkward. Ana was at one...and I-I just saw people staring and whispering and-and I left. And then they laughed..."
The psychologist watched him curl up.
"And I feel so worthless, so useless, so...alone..." he whispered as Astrid leaned forward and hugged him, encircling his shaking body and hugging him fiercely. The doctor gave the smallest smile: though he may feel it, Hiccup wasn't alone. He just couldn't see it yet...and to his trained eye, Dr Ferry realised the feelings were mutual.
And neither one of them seemed to realise.
oOo
One of the reserves from the dating website had emailed Hiccup three times and asked if he was interested in a date and Astrid, still thinking over his wretched confession from the therapy session, had nodded absently when he asked if she was alright with the date. She was glad he felt up to dating but she wished secretly that he would say he just wanted to go out for a coffee with her. Emma was at the Nursery which had promised to protect her in accordance with the court order. Though she had a slight cough, she had been insistent that she didn't want to miss painting with Freddie, a chunky blond boy she declared was her boyfriend-while giving a pointed look at her mother.
The date-the improbably named Phlegma Alborg-had suggested they meet in the park to watch the birds and share a coffee and Hiccup had agreed, wanting to act on the instructions of his psychologist to meet new people and be confident and outgoing. He had been given psychological exercises and breathing techniques, sleeping tablets and antidepressants and another appointment and he was actually feeling more positive-because Dr Ferry had been optimistic he would recover-not just from his PTSD but from his ensuing anxiety and depression as well. And while Hiccup knew the dates were giving him some confidence-no matter how disastrous the outcomes-he had never been outgoing anyway. But Astrid had agreed to drive him to the park and wait for him and her presence had calmed him. So he had wrapped up warm, tidied up his hair and pulled on his gloves and smiled
"How do I look?" he asked and Astrid smiled at him. His emerald eyes were sparkling, he was grinning and he looked relaxed and handsome.
"You look great!" she forced himself to say and he grinned.
"Wish me luck!" he said and headed for the bench by the main fountain where his date had told him to meet. His limp was still obvious as he walked through the deserted space until he reached his destination, then brushed the snow off the wooden planks and sat down, peering towards the frozen bird bath. He sat for a few minutes, expecting to be stood up...and then a woman approached him, her blonde hair pulled back into a tight braid, her face fierce.
"I hope you've wrapped up warm," she said tersely. "Good." He gave a bright smile.
"You said to wrap up warm...and the weather is quite fresh..." he commented with a small smile. "I'm Hiccup..." She stared at him.
"Odd name," she condemned him seriously. "I'm Phlegma."
"Oh...ha ha...I..." She scowled furiously at him and he subsided. "Unusual."
"So are you ready to watch the birds?" she asks him.
"Me? Yeah, sure. I was born ready. Um, how about a coffee first?" he suggested, feeling his teeth start to chatter. She scowled at him again.
"I have a Thermos," she told him gruffly. "Come along!" And she marched away. He cast a worried look towards the car park and saw Astrid peering through the windshield. He desperately beckoned her as he rose and followed Phlegma. The woman was walking very purposefully through the park and suddenly dived into a stand of bushes, grabbing Hiccup's coat and hauling him in as well.
Help! I'm being kidnapped by a madwoman. Oh Thor... he thought in a panic as he was shoved into a very small canvas upright tent with just enough room for two people to stand and a huge pair of binoculars propped up on a tripod. Phlegma pulled the flap down.
"Keep quiet in the hide..." she hissed. "We won't see much if you are making a racket..." He stood still, his stump aching and teeth chattering as she leaned to the binoculars and made herself comfortable.
"C-c-c-c-c-offee?" he begged and she gave him a disgusted look.
"Didn't you bring any?" she hissed. "I told you..."
"We would be watching some birds and having a coffee in the park," he hissed back. "To a normal person, that implies going to the cafe in the park and watch the birds through the window! No normal person tries to hide in a freezing tent in a bush with a thermos you won't share!"
"LOOK!" she snarled, causing him to back up. "I asked you on a date bird-watching. And you will stay here for the next four hours and help me to catalogue the winter visitors to central Berk..."
He stared at her in shock and felt a frisson of panic rise...but recalled Astrid was out there for him and all he had to do was shout.
But perhaps it would be better if he could get himself out of this mess just for once.
So he nodded and inched forward. "What so you want me to do?" he asked. But as she opened her mouth, he dived through the flap, staggered though the shrubbery and exploded onto the snow covered grass just beside the sign saying 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS'. He heard shouts behind him and though his leg was stinging, he sprinted reasonably towards the familiar and welcome shape in the baby blue anorak and bobble hat. Astrid stared at him in utter shock.
"Hiccup?" she asked as he ran towards her-and straight past.
"RUN!" he shouted. "Crazed ornithologist after me!" She stared as Phlegma exploded from the bush and started running after Hiccup, yelling and waving a tartan thermos flask. With a shrug, she turned and ran after Hiccup, who was almost back to the car. She sped to the driver's side, flicking the lock up on the passenger side and watching him almost throw himself into the car.
"DRIVE!" he shouted and Astrid reversed away then floored it, with Phlegma in hot pursuit.
"Who is she?" she asked. "And what did you do?" Hiccup stared at her, his cheeks flushed and still breathing hard from the run.
"I didn't want to watch the birds," he said with a sigh. "Shortest date so far!" He paused. "Can we just go home and have coffee there?" She gave a small smile.
"You know, Hiccup-that would be perfect," she said.