Chapter 22

Non-Existing Location

Everything is black. I'm floating in a black sea with no sense of time or direction. There's nothing but darkness. I can't feel anything, can't hear anything, and I can barely think.

Memories from my life come back, words and phrases and images all assaulting me with no rhyme or reason. Dredged up scenes hit me, sending me flying in my mind.

There's my sweet brother, with his kind features and compassionate eyes. "It's okay. I'm always going to be with you. We'll get through this together. I promise."

There's Quinlan Vos, with his flashing eyes and angry face. "You're a Sith with a reputation for violence!"

There's Cad Bane with his marble blue skin. "You hop from planet to planet, killing people as you see fit with the powers of the dark side."

There's Jobal Naberrie. "You don't know what constitutes a good life, do you?"

My master's voice from inside of the Sith temple. "You have taken the first steps."

There's my father, many, many years ago, his face level and emotionless. "We're separating. We've both been unfaithful."

There's Talzin, the first time I'd met her. "What is it you need from me, daughter of the dark side?"

There's Darth Bane's ghost from Moraband. "You don't crave power like the others. For a millenia I've existed in this form, watching as the plans of the dark side slowly come together. Your master is the most powerful Sith in many years, and the wisest. His biggest mistake, however, was choosing you. You're supposed to want power as much as your master, but the only power you want is to prove to yourself and to the world that you're not weak. You don't care about overthrowing the Jedi as long as you know you can defeat them whenever you want. You don't care about making people fear you as long as you know you can make them scared. You just want to prove to the world that you're not a terrified little eight-year-old who can't even stand up to your father, because you're afraid he'll hit you like he hits your mother. And you never want to be a coward like your brother, who - "

There's my little sister, her big eyes and young face broken as she screams Xavier's name over and over again until her voice is raw, her knees soaked from the wet ground by his gravestone.

There's an image of a yellow lightsaber, a rare and unique one over two thousand years old. A mystery surrounds its former owner.

A young Grand Moff Tarkin after he sees his parents murdered in front of him at my hand: "I'm going to kill you!"

I see Lillea as her pale body hangs from the ceiling. My baby sister, gone.

There's Obi-Wan with his boyish face but wise and mature eyes. "I think you might one day find that you're not bad. You'll start using the dark side of the Force for good things. It's all about how you use it. The Sith use it for dark deeds, and the Jedi use it for good. You started using fear, hatred and anger to connect to the Force, and you used it for dark deeds under your master, whoever he is, but not anymore."

Talzin is back, but this is from before. "Knowing the future is a heavy burden to bear. How can you live knowing how it's going to end? Not for yourself, but for everyone? All that pain and darkness...you see it all."

There's my mother, leaving our apartment in Coruscant for the last time. I hadn't known it at the time, though. Would it have made a difference?

My master again, this time in a dark, shadowy, alley in Coruscant. "I am powerful. And I can make you powerful like me. You can be the strongest person in the galaxy. No one will know about your past. Just take all that anger and pain and hate and channel it. I'll teach you. Come with me, and I'll teach you everything I know. Your days of being weak are over."

Cad Bane again, this time on Jelucan. "You could have let that Jedi master die, but instead you saved him. That doesn't sound like something a Sith would do."

There's a memory of the first time I had used the Force successfully, bringing the life-saving food to my starving self.

There's Obi-Wan again, his voice gentle and kind. "Not everyone is against you."

There's my father again, but this time more recently, disappointed when he learned I had become a Sith. "But those are bad people! How did you get caught up in something so vile? I didn't raise you that way!"

There's the little Twi'lek girl from Coruscant. "You're...you're a kind person. Are you my guardian angel? You came to save me…You were my dark defender…"

There's Depa Bilaba, from the Jedi Council. "And you think you are better than we are? You, who uses the dark side of the Force to achieve your own selfish goals?"

There's Master Yoda, also sitting at the Jedi Council. "Wise, you are."

There's the Kintan Jedi, Ima-Gun Di. "You mean to tell me you've never hurt an innocent person before? You've never killed someone in cold blood? I know about the massacre of the Tarkins on Eriadu. I've heard about the boy on Coruscant. Those are just two of the known times. There are dozens of others whose bodies are credited to you. Anyone who gets in your way is slaughtered. You are no different than the others. All Sith are the same."

There's Maz Katana and her goggles that see through anyone. "You made a decision years ago you regret now. Why do you regret it? It gave you everything you wanted? Well, it seems to me that you didn't really know what you wanted when you made that decision. But you're not willing to give up what you gained for what you want. This internal argument is destroying you inside, and there's only one way to stop it, but you don't want to do what it takes to end it. Everything about you screams indecision, dear."

There's Damari, with his dark, mysterious, and loving eyes. "If this is what you have to do, then do it. You saved my life in many ways, and if I'm to die, it's you who has the authority to be in control over it. Tomorrow?"

Talzin, again. "Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, and their opposite is indifference."

There's Isaiah, his face so much like my brother's. "Will I ever see you again? I'll always remember you as my dark defender."

Quinlan again, even angrier than the first time. "Don't listen to her. She's a manipulator."

Mace Windu, hailing from our battle on Thisspias. "So you killed an innocent boy instead of taking responsibility for your actions and your emotions. Sounds like killing someone in cold blood to me. Just the sort of thing a Sith would do. You think a few good deeds can make up for all the damage you've done? You are just like every Sith because you make excuses instead of taking responsibility. You think in absolutes and hurt people who get in your way. You lie and manipulate those who are trying to do good in the world, and you are a poison to those around you. Everyone you loved is dead, and you're the only thing any of them had in common. You are not worthy to walk on this ground or talk about doing good deeds. You are not worthy to say you are different than murderers or thieves or liars. You are the reason good people die early, and you are who parents warn their children about at night. You are the lowest scum the universe has to offer!"

There's Quinlan again, this time on Coruscant. "You were so invincible when I first stumbled upon you. I had heard all the stories, and I had talked to so many different people who had encountered you. I really was desperate to find out my fate, so see if those nightmares had any weight to them. And you know what all those people I talked to said? They said a trail of dead bodies follow you and precede you. They consider you a goddess of death with your black robes and red lightsaber and your lack of mercy. You're drawn to death, and you deal it out. Some people said you are cold and heartless, and others said you feel too much. Indifferent and emotional all at the same time. I still wonder which one is true. Mace Windu told me all about the boy on Coruscant. You loved him, and you killed him. How did you feel when you did it? Were you emotionless and cruel or were you crying and full of pain?"

My master, from our battle on Moraband. "Ah, the boy. You remember him, then? That was your greatest moment. You overcame your restraining emotions and made good on your promise. You proved to yourself that you weren't like your treacherous father or your cowardly mother. You didn't take the easy way out like your siblings. That was the first time you had ever made your own choice in something important, and you did what you had to do. I was so proud of you that day. It was your defining moment….I see you have truly made up your mind, then. You are turning your back on the way of the Sith. My greatest apprentice turned against me. We could have ruled the galaxy together. We could have done anything we wanted to do. What did you expect to come out of this? Do you really think that by challenging me you'd be redeemed? Will killing me or by dying while trying wipe out away the blood on your hands? Will it bring back all those you killed? You're an even greater fool than I thought. You cannot redeem yourself. Minerva is a murderer, and nothing will ever change that."

It's like hearing and seeing my life in review, all the important things flooded back into recent memory. The good things, the bad things - but in death, what really is the difference? The things I had done in my life no longer matter. Nothing does.

My memories are my only company. I had always assumed I'd see my siblings in death, and that way I'd be able to tell them all of my stories from my life. It turns out I'm all alone here.

Death is different than I had imagined in every single way. If this is it then many things I had done in my worth have turned out to just not be worth it.

Just as I've resigned myself to accepting my fate, a being appears. The form is slim and curved in a feminine way. There are milky white wings protruding from her back, two sides with sections like a butterfly's, only hers has three sections to each side instead of two, to make a total of six wing sections. Her skin glows golden, two emerald orbs showing her eyes. Straight, platinum blonde hair cascades down from her head, the dark amber and turquoise robes flowing beautifully from her perfect figure.

She's so beautiful. The most beautiful person I've ever encountered, in fact. In an instant I know exactly where she's from. "You're an angel," I say aloud, my voice sounding strange. "From the moons of Iego."

She nods her slender neck gracefully. "You are correct." Her voice is as beautiful as her appearance.

This really doesn't make any sense. "Why are you here? This isn't the death I should have. I wasn't a good person in life."

She frowns, her light pink mouth turning upside down. "Who are you to judge how your life was? That is not your job."

"So you're saying that whoever decides who is good and who is bad in life decided that I wasn't bad?" I'm confusing myself just as much as I'm confusing you.

"Minerva was bad," she tells me. "But you are not Minerva. She disappeared as whoever you are surfaced. You are...neither. We cannot judge you based on her."

Because this makes so much sense. "I don't get it. I am Minerva."

"You have been several different people in the course of one life," she explains. "You were born Rina, and Rina was a scared little girl. When you started harboring hate and anger, it led to Minerva, who came about when you became a Sith apprentice. Minerva started disappearing a few months ago. You rescued a little boy on Tatooine, and that was the beginning. For the remaining months you struggled between the two, between Sith and...not Sith."

"I didn't have to die to kill the Sith part of me?" I exclaim, suddenly upset. I had sacrificed my life just to learn that it had been a waste.

"In theory, no," she agrees. "Everyone else still would have thought you were a Sith, and no amount of excuses or explanations would have convinced them otherwise. Dying was the only way to prove to the galaxy that you really had changed."

"If I'm not Minerva then who am I?" I ask, my voice quiet.

"Only you can find that out," she answers, a small smile lifting up on her full lips. "But first, there's some people who want to see you. They've been waiting a long time."

It's only when the strangers start walking up that I realize I'm no longer drifting in a black sea. The background around me had been changing, and now I'm in a bright green meadow, the warm sun shining down in a kind manner. It's not too hot and it's not too cold, and the sky is a light blue color with lazy cotton ball clouds drifting around.

It's what I had imagined life after death being. For good people, that is. Warmth and sunshine and laughter - a beautiful place for beautiful people.

And the people walking up to me aren't strangers, I realize, my heart jolting to a stop (is that even possible? I mean, I am dead already. My heart has already stopped). A young man looking only a couple of years older than I am approaches first, his tousled blond hair and bright blue eyes so different and yet so familiar.

"Xavier?" I say aloud, my surprise evident. My gaze turns to the teenage girl next to him. Deep down I know who she is, and I know she would be sixteen now. She's beautiful; she looks like me, but with the youthfulness and innocence of our brother. Long brown hair falls down her back, her blue eyes sparkling warmly. "Lillea?"

They laugh at my shocked expression and come closer, wrapping me up in a tight embrace. My body is stiff at first, shying away at the human contact I had not felt in...I'd never really been held or hugged in a way as genuine as this. But, oddly enough, it's just what I need. So I let out the tension in my muscles and hold them closer, letting out my own laughter.

Honestly, I had always worried that they would judge me for not following them all those years ago or for all the horrible things I had done. At least I had expected some awkwardness. What I had not even considered was that they would accept me with open arms - literally. They act as if nothing had changed in the eleven years since I'd seen them, and I'm more than grateful.

"You've really grown up!" Xavier enthuses, stepping back to check me out. "I mean, I've been watching you all those years, but seeing you in person…"

"You saw everything?" I question, my defenses suddenly shooting up again. Xavier and Lillea trade glances.

"You're our sister," Lillea says softly. "Of course we were with you through everything."

"But...all the bad things I did…" I trail off, not even being able to finish.

"At least you were brave enough to stay alive," Xavier says firmly, looking regretful.

"By killing ourselves we took the easy way out," Lillea agrees. "Living is harder than dying. Who are we to judge you when you at least stayed alive, fighting and trying to make the most out of the cards you'd been dealt?"

That's so...sweet. Generous. At this moment I wish more than ever that they had never died. We could have had a really good friendship, the three of us. Except now I'm dead, too, so I guess things will be like that. "I've missed you guys a lot," I admit, ruffling Xavier's hair and laying my arm on Lillea's shoulder casually.

"There's someone else who wants to see you," Lillea tells me softly. She and Xavier move off to the side, giving me a little bit of privacy. Who I see next stuns me, rendering my body paralyzed.

Dark hair, dark eyes, an open and forgiving face…

Damari. He stands a few feet in front of me, watching me careful. Like Xavier and Lillea, he too has grown up as if he hadn't died. He stands taller than me now, but he hasn't changed much more than that. His mahogany hair is swept to the side slightly just like in the memories, long enough to be styled but not long enough to be shaggy. His dark bronze eyes sparkle with excitement at seeing me, and my heart races just as much at the sight of him as it always had. It feels like what had happened five years had happened yesterday.

"Hey," he offers, trying to ease the tension a little bit. His stance is comfortable and casual, but I'm still frozen in place. I had never considered seeing him ever again, and now the shame of my actions keeps me from reacting. How can I say anything after what I had done to him?

Despite my insecurities, though, I feel ready to run forward into his arms and ready to tell him all about what had happened in my life. I want him to know all my fun adventures and all my feelings. There's a warmth deep in my heart that I haven't felt in a long time, and all I can think about is him. I can't stop staring at him.

I still love him.

From the moment I had recalled those lost memories, I should have known. If his personality has changed as much as his appearance then I for sure still have the same feelings as all those years ago. How could I stop loving him?

"Say something," he begs, his arms falling helplessly to the side as my paralysis continues. He looks sad now, an emotion I hate seeing in his eyes. He's so innocent and kind that I just want to shield him from what's making him sad. In this case, though, I'm the one to blame.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, and it turns into a sob as I cover my eyes with my hands. My face fractures and breaks, and suddenly it all crashes down on me. "I'm so sorry, Damari."

He hasn't seemed upset yet, so it shouldn't surprise me when he wraps his arms around my shaking body, holding me close. He smells of cinnamon, a familiar scent of home and warmth. Love. "It's okay, Minerva," he comforts me, stroking my back gently. "I've never been mad at you. There's nothing to be sorry about."

I pull away, wiping at my eyes. "How can you say that? I killed you. In my anger, I murdered you in cold blood. How can you not be mad?"

"Everyone dies eventually," he says softly. "If you hadn't shown up that day five years ago and saved me from those thugs I would have died that very day. But you saved me, and I lived several months longer. And you made those months better by simply being there."

"That doesn't justify my actions," I protest quietly, not wanting to upset him. I've done enough to him already.

He shakes his head. "You're right. Nothing will. But I am glad you made the choice you did because I would rather die to let you live than either live without you or die with you. Your master would have either killed you or both of us, and that would have just been a waste. Look at all the good you've done in your life since then!" A smile grows on his face, but I can't mirror it. How can I with all these feelings of regret?

"But all the bad things I've done," I argue again. He's an optimist and I'm a realist, and the difference has never been more clear.

"You haven't smiled since I died," he remarks suddenly, changing the topic. "I mean, you smile, but it's not genuine. I've been watching you all these years and you've never smiled like the way you smiled with me."

Thinking back on it, I realize he's right. There hasn't been much in my life for me to be happy about since Damari died. "It's because that smile is reserved for you," I say, half-teasing and half-serious. His face brightens, and at that I do start smiling a little. Maybe he really does forgive me. Maybe this really is a second chance.

The guilt is melting away in his look. I really do love him so much. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. How could I have ever given him up? No wonder I had to erase those painful memories in order to continue living.

"You're so beautiful, Minerva," he tells me sincerely, touching the side of my face lightly and almost hesitantly with his fingertips. "I wish we had had forever together."

"Me too," I agree, grabbing his hand tightly in mine. "I learned at an early age that life isn't fair. Never have I understood that statement more than today."

"I'm going to miss you." His words are quiet and solemn as he leans his forehead against mine gently. His words confuse me.

"What do you mean? Can't I stay with you now?"

He captures my eyes with his, staring into them for a long moment before speaking. "You're getting a second chance."

"A second chance?" My mind is running slower than a turtle at the moment.

"You're going to live again," he confirms, wrapping his arms around me again. "You get a second chance to make things right. Do some good in the world."

"But I want to be with you," I murmur, leaning into his shoulder. A few tears slip down from my eyes, but I'm not embarrassed anymore. Emotion is an important part of life, and not something to be ashamed about.

"One day," he promises. "For now, though, you have to go." We stand in each other's arms for a few minutes more, taking in the last remaining moments. "Tomorrow?"

This time there is no confusion in my response. No anger, no hate, no frustration, no bitterness. Just love and a little sadness. Bittersweet. "Tomorrow is perfect."

And just like that, he disappears and I'm left standing alone. A moment later the Angel appears again, her beautiful form shimmering. "You are no longer Minerva or Rina. This is a second chance to live your life right. I have complete faith in you."

Her smile is the last thing I see before there's a jarring jolt.

Some immeasurable time later I wake up, my eyes snapping open to stare at a wooden ceiling far above me.

I'm back. I'm awake. And I'm alive.