I'M BACK! I'm so sorry please forgive me for taking so long to update! I've been suffering from some major writer's block and I've been super busy with school and work.
I started this story without a really thought out plan on where I wanted it to go but I finally forced myself to come up with a bit of an outline and I have a much better idea of where we are headed. I'm thinking that this story will be about 31 chapters (including the epilogue) but it could be more depending on how much I can write and where I want to split the chapters up at.
Again I'm sorry but I promise I will do better! My spring break is a week away so I'm hoping to have almost all of it complete by the time my Spring Break is over :)
Please Review!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to the amazing Richelle Mead
RPOV
After Dimitri left for work, I called Lissa to make sure she was up and around and to see what time she wanted me to come over. She told me to come over whenever I wanted since she would be around all day. Being so far along in her pregnancy, she had to take an early maternity leave from work since being a nurse was too taxing on the baby, but I know sitting around at home by herself was probably boring and she liked having company.
Before I went to Lissa's, I decided to go on a run to the school and pick up my rental car since it had been there for a while and I would need it to get across town to Lissa's place. The school was about 2 miles from Dimitri's apartment which was the perfect distance for a good morning run. After changing into running gear, I grabbed my rental car keys from my purse and Dimitri's spare key and put them in the small pocket in the back of my Lulu leggings before leaving.
The run was quick and being outdoors felt nice. Being early April, it was surprisingly chilly, or maybe it was just because the weather was colder in Montana than it was in sunny California where I was used to. Running through the small town, I was assaulted with memories of growing up. I passed the little ice cream shop that Abe took me to after the first time we met. He wanted to take me somewhere that a normal father would take his daughter and me being me, I couldn't refuse free ice cream. After that first meeting, it became tradition to get ice cream there together at least once a month and they were always my happiest moments with my dad since we refused to fight during these little get-togethers.
I then ran past the small movie theatre in town which reminded me of my first date with Dimitri. We had gone to dinner at the local diner his mother worked at, which she would eventually come to own. She luckily wasn't working that night, lucky because it would have been awkward to meet his mother on our first date. We had sat and talked for a long time, almost missing the movie because we were so caught up in our conversation. He had told me about his love of martial arts and his interest in joining the football team and I had told him about my love of singing and how after graduation I had wanted to move to L.A. and get out of this town. At the time I think that we both thought it was a pipe dream and it wouldn't be until about a year and a half later that it would start to become more of a reality. The memory of the date put a bright smile on my face and anyone passing me on the street probably thought I looked crazy.
Once I got to the school, I debated going in and saying hello to Dimitri but decided against it, not wanting to bother him at work. Unlocking the car, I hopped in and drove back to Dimitri's apartment.
Once I got into the apartment, I took a quick shower and threw on some jeans and a tank top with a light cardigan and my Vans. With that I locked up the apartment, got in my car, and drove to Lissa's.
After I arrived, I sat in the car for a minute and took a deep breath. Don't get me wrong, I was excited to see Lissa and spend the day with her. I was just a little afraid as well. I knew that she was going to ask me a lot of questions about my life in L.A. and about Dimitri. It wasn't that I minded answering the questions, it's just that I had a feeling I would be coming to some major conclusions about my life after this talk since Lissa always had the ability to make me see things that I either hadn't seen yet or didn't want to face.
Taking a final deep breath, I got out of the car and went to the front door. I knocked and Lissa answered a minute later, ushering me into the living room and sitting me on the couch. After going to the kitchen and coming back with two hot chocolates, the interrogation began.
"So, how's Dimitri?" she asked giving me a knowing look as she sat down on the couch next to me.
I just rolled my eyes. "He is fine, great even. I've missed him more than you can even imagine," I said as I took a sip of my hot chocolate.
"He's missed you too. It was true what I said at the reunion Rose, he was a mess when you left and he hasn't so much as looked at another girl since you've been gone. I'm glad you feel the same way. Has there been anyone else since you left?" I knew she wanted to know because she was curious, not because she wanted me to feel bad if I had moved on and Dimitri hadn't.
"I went out with a couple people in L.A., mostly because being in the public eye, people throw you together with someone in the tabloids and the fans get so excited that it actually seems appealing or like it might be a good match. It's hardly ever true though. The guys were nice but they weren't Dimitri and I think they could tell by the end of the second date that I just wasn't into it." It was true. I wasn't ready to move on but figuring Dimitri wasn't going to come after me any time soon, I thought I should give it a try. It never worked.
"Well that's understandable. If we are being honest here, I actually tried to set Dimitri up a couple times," she stated carefully, no doubt worried at my reaction to that. "Now before you get angry at me you have to understand, I honestly thought at the time that you were seeing Ambrose and I wanted him to at least attempt to move on in case you didn't come back. But, you'll be happy to know that no matter who I sent his way he wasn't interested and after the third girl I sent towards him, I gave up. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, I just thought you had a right to know what he has been doing since you left. Plus, it is a small town and almost all the single women in it have tried to ask Dimitri out so I wanted to give you a heads up."
I surprisingly was not mad at her trying to set him up. Honestly, I'm glad she did. It just showed how much she cared for Dimitri and even though it would have been hard to have come back and find that he moved on, if he had and was happy I would have been happy for him. I had been selfish enough regarding our relationship I wouldn't hold it against him if he would have moved on. "Honestly Lis, I'm not mad. You just wanted what was best for him and I understand that. I'm glad he had you after I left. As happy as I am that we are back together again, I would have been okay if he would have moved on. Upset, but happy for him."
She gave me a sad smile and grabbed my hand, giving it a supportive squeeze. "Well, enough about that. He didn't move on and you are here and you and he are...what exactly are you and he?"
I sighed, "I'm not really sure. We keep telling each other we love one another but we haven't labeled it. Although I did accidentally call myself his girlfriend this morning."
"Well what's wrong with that? I mean if you are saying 'I love you' and you're sleeping together, aren't you his girlfriend?"
"I want to be," I replied honestly. "I just know that once we start labeling it like that, it means that this is long term. Don't get me wrong, I want it to be long term but there are just so many things we have to talk about and compromise on to be able to get to the stage where we understand that this is long term. Right now, it is more like reminiscing and picking up where we left off five years ago instead of starting a new relationship."
"Rose, I really think you two need to talk this out soon. The more you don't address the problems, the harder it is going to be if they can't be solved. I know you guys can work it out but it is going to take time and you're only here for the week."
"I know you're right, I'm just not ready yet. I will soon though, don't worry," I said giving her a reassuring smile.
"Alright, I guess that's the best I'm going to get. Now onto the other difficult conversation that might make you mad," she said giving me a serious look. Oh boy. I already knew where this was going and I was not looking forward to it. "How has your depression been?"
I took a long sip of my hot chocolate, set it down and stared at my hands for a minute, trying to stall. "It's been…alright. It got bad right after I left." If only she knew just how bad it got, but I'm not going to worry her with that. "I've been on some antidepressants for the last four years and they have helped. The first year was the roughest but after I got my record deal, I became so busy and was so surrounded by people that it got a lot better, along with the pills to help of course."
I always hated talking about my depression, even with Lissa. Back during my freshman year of high school, I started cutting myself. Lissa once caught me when she came over to talk to me about a fight her and Christian had. She had freaked out and bandaged me up, yelling at me the whole time for not telling her something was wrong. She promised to keep my secret of the cuttings as long as I got treatment. After that night, I talked to my parents and told them I wanted to see a therapist because I had been feeling sad. Abe had only been in my life for about a month at that point and was fully supportive of me getting help. My mother on the other hand didn't seem to take me very seriously. She just said I had a good life and I had nothing to be depressed about so I should just suck it up. She never fully came around but after the first appointment, the doctor told my parents I had Clinical Depression and she seemed to realize this was more serious than me just moping around. I never wanted to take antidepressants though. My therapist understood my love of singing and being in the spotlight so she realized that the best advice she could give me was to get more involved in public things like joining a sports team or a choir. She said it might help to surround myself with some kind of support system but in some cases surrounding yourself with people makes depression worse so I should tell her if it gets any worse. At the time, my school didn't have a choir but I did like to dance so I decided to join cheerleading. Even though I wasn't super close with the rest of the team, it did help to surround myself with other people and regardless of my depression, I still loved to be the center of attention. It got even better once I began opening up to all my friends and they became my support system. My depression almost completely went away though after I met Dimitri.
"I can't believe you are taking antidepressants. You always refused in high school. What changed?" She seemed a little suspicious, knowing I hated the thought of a pill controlling my emotions. I couldn't exactly tell her I didn't have much of a choice unless I wanted to tell her about what happened in my first year away, which I planned on keeping to myself for as long as possible.
"I guess I just realized that it was my best option since I didn't have as many friends to lean on," I said with a shrug. Even though that wasn't the actual reason, it seemed plausible and wasn't a complete lie.
"Rose Hathaway," Lissa said in a serious and angry tone, "Don't you dare pull that shit of you not having any friends. You left us remember? I'm not mad at you and I understand you were busy and we didn't make an effort to contact you either but you knew you were suffering and if you needed to lean on someone you had plenty of people you could have called."
"I know that now Lis, I was just stubborn. I guess I didn't want to believe that I needed anything or anyone from my past. I know you think that I could have called you if I needed someone to lean on but honestly, I think that would have made it worse. I knew that if I called you or Dimitri I would consider coming back because I missed you guys but I owed it to myself to see this music career out and not give up on it before it even started because I wasn't strong enough to be without you." It felt good to finally get that off my chest. I didn't mean to make stupid excuses for not staying in contact with everyone but I did have my reasons.
"Oh Rose," Lissa said pulling me in for a hug. "I'm sorry. I understand it must have been hard being away from home all by yourself. I'm just glad it all worked out for you in the end." Lissa must have realized something was up when I stiffened after she said that. "What?" she asked pulling back from our hug, "It did work out didn't it?"
I sighed, again. How was I supposed to complain about a life that most people would kill for? "I'm grateful to have accomplished everything I have. It's more than I could have ever imagined for myself. It's just that…it's lonely. I'm surrounded by all these people but none of them know me, or at least the real me not the 'Superstar Rose Hathaway' that everyone thinks I am. At the end of the day, I go home alone and I don't have anyone to talk to about the pressures of being in the spotlight all the time, except Ambrose. Honestly, I think my depression would have been a lot worse it if wasn't for Ambrose. He's been a good friend to me. JUST a friend," I added when I saw Lissa raise an eyebrow at me. "He has helped me a lot when it comes to dealing with the pressures of fame. I have no privacy and anyone I get close to is subjected to harassment from tabloids and fans. I love the music, I love the recording and the fans are amazing but the fame that goes along with it is overrated." I hadn't told anyone but Ambrose about my feelings about my career and it felt good to talk to someone. I knew that I should probably talk to Dimitri about this too but that worried me. I didn't want him to think I didn't like my life and assume that I would give up my career to stay with him. I couldn't do that to my fans and like I said, I still loved the music making process and the performing.
Lissa looked thoughtful for a minute. "So what are you gonna do about it?" That was it? That was her genius response to me pouring my heart out to her? Well that was anti-climactic.
"What do you mean what am I gonna do about it? What can I do about it? Being in the spotlight is kinda part of the job description Lis," I replied in a "duh" kind of voice.
She rolled her eyes. "What I mean is you need to decide whether you want to give it up or you want to live with the consequences. I can see that this is eating you up and you're unhappy. If you weren't you wouldn't have just spilled your guts to me so easily. I say you can either retire and continue to make music, just not for anyone but yourself and your friends, or you can figure out a way to cope with it and do it."
"That's it? That's my only two options? And don't you think if I could find a better way to cope with it I would have done it by now? Jeez Lis, your pregnancy has seriously affected your ability to give good advice," I teased.
"Look I know it doesn't seem like the best advice but now that Dimitri and I are in your life again, maybe we could help you come up with a better way for you to cope. We can help you with the loneliness and maybe you could ask Abe to help get the tabloids off your back. If anyone could make them disappear and leave you alone, it would be your dad." I smiled at that. Honestly I had thought about calling Lissa and Dimitri a million times to help cope with the loneliness but I just thought that it would only make it worse once I hung up. As for talking to Abe about the tabloids, that was a new thought. Maybe Lissa had a point. My options seem pretty limited but she and Dimitri were here to help me decide which option might be best.
"Maybe you're right Lis. I don't know, I think I need to talk to Dimitri. I have a feeling that by the end of the week, my decision on what I'm going to do will be made. I guess I'm just worried that no matter what I say, Dimitri will want me to give up my career and stay here."
"You should know that he just wants you to happy Rose. You guys will figure it out and even if he wishes you would give it all up and stay, he wouldn't ask you to do that, no matter how much you complained." She had a point about that I guess.
After that, Lissa changed the topic. We spent the rest of the afternoon reminiscing about old times and she caught me up on all the town gossip since I had left. I told her about the cool parts of fame and all of the cool places I had been and some of the funny fans I had come across. At 4:00 I decided that I should head back since I knew Dimitri would be home and I had to get ready to go to dinner with my parents. I hugged Lissa goodbye and left with her giving me a "good luck" and an encouraging smile knowing that this dinner was probably going to be not so fun. At least Dimitri would be there.
A/N: Honestly, I'm not thrilled with how this chapter turned out but I really felt like I needed to get this conversation over with so you could have some more background information and I could move on with the plot line.
I hope to have the next chapter up by the Monday evening so keep a lookout and please leave a review!
Also, sorry for any typos, I didn't edit it very well