Chapter Two Stephanie settles in to her new job and life.

"I moved in with Beth. It was perfect. When she was in town, she cooked. Meals were nutritious but contained far too many vegetables. When she traveled, I sought my comfort foods: pizza, meatball sandwiches, though neither was up to Burg standards. I found I liked Popeye's fried chicken and of course doughnuts and Ben and Jerry's were readily available.

The work was interesting but not adrenaline pumping like bounty hunting. Did I miss the action? I quickly remembered my business college training and felt more comfortable running the office.

Beth insisted I join her on the beach runs. Jogging was never my love and even running along the beach didn't add any enhancement. If I wanted a place to live and a job, I had to serve my time on the runs.

One day Beth upped the "rent; "Stephanie, "I'd like to have you join me at the dojang."

"What's that?"

It is a Taekwondo studio. I think the action and mental training will help you. Have you ever done martial arts?"

"Some, Tank, Ranger's number two, is in charge of keeping the men in shape. He showed me some moves for self-protection, but I was a lousy student."

"Tank? That's his name?"

I giggled, "Trust me no other name fits. He's massive, dark and intimidating."

After a particularly stressful morning at work, I needed a doughnut reward. Both Beth and Antonio were out of the office and it was one of those days to declare war on government bureaucracy, slap the computer, kick the uncooperative printer, and shoot the telephones, if only I had my .38. I went through the donut shop drive thru and ordered a dozen doughnuts. I ate every single one and felt sick, but ignored it. For the next few weeks I made regular doughnut runs when running errands for Beth. I was back to being a sugar junkie and my rapidly improving mood nosedived.

The progress I was making with my Gordian knot came crashing down and I was back to crying on the beach. The end came when I became disoriented and stumbling at work. Beth rushed me to the emergency room. The diagnosis was Type 2 Diabetes. My body was now resistant to my own insulin and could not process the sugars. The excess sugar was poisoning me. The nurse practitioner explained the new facts of life; a diet rich in green and yellow vegetables, only whole grains and then in limited quantity. No more fried food; instead, I mainly eat lean meats and fish. I even have to be careful with fruits. The final insult was sugar and desserts were gone. I could have birthday cake once year, on my birthday. If I failed to keep my glucose level down, I would end up on insulin injections and risk blindness, kidney damage or amputation.

With Beth's help I got my glucose level under control with proper eating, exercise and a few pills a day; surely better than injecting insulin. With the controlled glucose my depression went away and I could again objectively deal with changing my life.

Beth was a good listener. We'd sit on her deck over-looking the ocean and talk or we'd walk on the beach. Today we were on the beach. "Stephanie, stop feeling so down on yourself. You've already taken big steps forward. First, your hanging onto your bounty hunting job was probably your subconscious saying Joe was too controlling. He wanted a typical 1950's housewife and you didn't. Plus you were trying to impress Ranger since he was your mentor.

Second, you left your suffocating mother who wanted to channel your life into one like hers: husband, children, and housework. Her total outlook never got beyond the Burg. Imagine how frustrated she is she could not properly nurture you into the fold. At least your sister came back and now your mother has granddaughters to train."

I sighed, "I suspect Mary Alice will give her a run. She is a lot like me at that age. Let's home my sister, Valerie, is not as controlling."

Beth continued, "Third you are in far better shape physically and mentally. Perhaps some of your problems can be traced back to you not taking care of your body. You mentioned Ranger and the men and their eating habits, their fine physiques, quick reflexes, but you didn't think it should apply to you. Now you must be careful and look how it has strengthened your body and cleared your mind."

"Not entirely. I'm still in knots about Ranger."

"From what you've told me, his life is not conducive to a committed permanent relationship. Perhaps he knows that's what you need and he can't comply. It would require a restructuring his life in ways he may not legally be able to do."

"Legally?" Stephanie asked.

You mentioned a contract. He can't walk out on it. Either the contract runs out or he is unable physically or mentally to uphold his end. Maybe he's protecting you from getting hurt by his injury or death. Right now his priorities are the contract and the business. In time the priorities may change."

"But he told me he loves me," I responded.

"You told him you love him and he told you he loves you, but that doesn't mean you should be married. With his lifestyle, marriage would be distracting to where he could get killed."

"But you were married to a soldier."

"Yes, Steph, and we both understood he could get killed, but I also did not live through him. I was and am my own person who could stand alone and take care of herself. That doesn't mean I didn't grieve…I did and still do. You were not emotionally strong in Trenton. You had not found your feet. Now you have and are slowly beginning to walk on your own."

"Do you think there is any hope for us, Ranger and me?"

"Right now, friendship…..he's too wrapped up in his contract job. The fact he keeps resigning the contract shows he's still on his ego trip. It defines him as a man. If he can give it up, maybe there could be more. You have to ask yourself, are you in love with Carlos Manoso or are you in love with what he is in your eyes…Batman? Isn't that what you call him? Remember, Stephanie, he is just a man, not a fictional character."

We had finished dinner and I was about to stand and clear the table when Beth asked, "Stephanie isn't it time you let people know you are still alive?"

"Why?" I hadn't thought about Trenton for a while, except for Ranger.

"You have people who are probably worried about you. They need to know you are OK. The letters need not be long. If you write them, I'll mail them from St. Louis next week. That way they can't track you back here."

I retreated to my bedroom, actually more like a suite and fired up my lap top. I'd write the letter electronically and then copy them over to stationary.

Dear Joe,

I hope by now you have found someone to share your life, to marry and bear children. It will never be me. We had many good times but far too many bad times. You tried to make me into your idea of a wife. I've never felt that was what I wanted, just what everyone else wanted for me. I've learned I am an individual and need to be loved for my accomplishments as well as my flaws. If I find someone, he will accept and love me for all that I am. I know I have hurt and disappointed you. Forgive me; I'm not the woman for you.

With admiration and many regrets, Stephanie.

#####

Dear Mom, Dad and Grandma Mazur,

I'm sorry I have not written sooner. I had to leave Trenton and discover who I am. I know I am not a typical woman wanting only marriage and children. Please don't think of me as your failure. I have yet to discover who or what I am and where I need to be, but I'm working on it. I have a safe job running the office for an architectural firm. It pays well. I don't know where I'll be a year or five from today, but right now I'm safe and happy. There is no man in my life and that's fine for now. I send my love to you all and of course Valerie and her family.

Love, Stephanie

Dearest Ranger,

I'm sorry. For too long people have tried to mold me into something I cannot be. And in turn, I wanted you to be someone you could not be. You encouraged me to spread my wings, to fly. I was afraid. You believed in me. Now I have flown and am learning to believe in myself. When Stephanie Plum completes her transformation, I hope to be proud of her and hopefully you will be too. I am safe and working a normal job that more than pays my way. Please know, I will always love you no matter what road you have to take.

Love, Stephanie

PS. My flights are not without crashes. Not cars or explosions, but health changes have forced me onto a Ranger diet.

#####

Ranger reread the letter over and over. He missed her, he needed her light. Life without her had become dark and closed again. He took more mercenary jobs, not for the money that funded the initial Rangeman, but to punish himself. He couldn't be the committed man she needed just as she could not be the woman Joe wanted.

He was worried about her physical health. Was she taking care of herself? For the letter's pain, there was a glimmer of hope, "hopefully you will be too." Will he ever see her again? Initially he used Rangeman resources to find her, but quickly stopped. She needed her time. He needed...what?

Hector sat at his monitor. He had found Stephanie months ago but had not told Ranger. He was frightened when he discovered she had been taken to the emergency room in Florida but realized through her prescriptions that she was taking her diabetes medicine. He chuckled when he saw she had a new motorcycle license. Just like his Estefania to be riding motorcycles. He researched her employer and was happy to see it was a very reputable and well known lady architect.

More importantly, Hector worried about his boss and savior Ranger. The man had rescued him from returning to the New Jersey State Prison or by death by giving him a job and new direction. Now Ranger was the one in emotional trouble.

Maybe he could help. Rangeman client David Bernstein had mentioned he was looking to build a new home and was interviewing architects. Hector found Beth Crowder's web site and passed the information on to Mr. Bernstein.

I was updating the business calendar from Beth's personal entries when I noticed travel plants to Newark. "Beth, you have a new client in New Jersey?"

"Yes, in Hamilton Township. I suspect it is near Trenton."

"They blend together."

"The potential client's name is David Bernstein. Do you recognize the name?"

"No, nobody I know." If they could afford Beth's work, I wasn't hunting them down for skipping on their bond.

"I'll be gone four days. I haven't been hired, this is just a sales pitch. Anybody you want me to see on your behalf?" She asked. "Maybe you'd like to send something to your nieces."

"No, I'm not ready." I was finally breathing on my own without my mother or Joe telling me I was a failure, disappointment or "train wreck.

Beth walked over to my desk, sat and lowered her voice, "I have a problem and I'm a bit suspicious about this job. My client has mentioned Rangeman Security as the security company he wants for the project. He has them now on his business locations as well as his current home. Does this seem just a bit…..coincidental?

"No, you did have that large spread in 'Architectural Digest' a few months past. It has brought in new inquiries. As for Rangeman involvement, many large luxury homes and big businesses are going with them for top line security. "

"Any idea who I'll talk to a Rangeman?"

"Initially it may be Ranger but probably the main work will be with Tank and Hector. Hector mostly speaks Spanish so Tank will probably be your main contact. There may be someone else. I know they wanted me to move into the sales sector, but…"

Beth reached over and patted my hand, "You would have been great in that position, but you weren't ready."

I choked up a bit; I miss all the men at Rangeman. They were like brothers I never had.

Beth continued, "I admit I'm curious about Ranger, but I can hold my tongue about you. If I'm hired and the project advances, Rangeman may call this office. Will they recognize your voice? "

"Oh geez, probably."

"We can't do much about your Jersey accent, but we can change your name. Do you have a middle name?"

"My middle name is Michelle, Stephanie Michelle."

"OK Michelle, watch caller ID, if it is Rangeman call, have Antonio answer or let it go to voice mail and he can respond later. I'll explain why to him."