Chapter 12: Recovery

Throughout the first few weeks after I woke up, I couldn't bring myself to eat nor sleep. I could do nothing on my own. And that's not because I lacked the ability to do so, it was because I just didn't see a point in striving to live anymore. After all, you had died, and by my hand, so what right did I have to live?

I ended up secluding myself in my recovery room. Whenever someone stopped by, I wouldn't pay them any mind and just continued to stare out the window as though they weren't even there at all. This annoyed Matsumoto to no end, and eventually led to her breaking one of flower vases in the room in order to get my attention. But I couldn't even bring myself to care about that…. All that mattered was you. And you were dead.

It was all pointless. Sure, we had succeeded in defeating Aizen, but what was the point of that if you weren't around to see it? And even HE had managed to escape the battle alive… So why did you have to die…

Even though I was in no mental state to do anything, eventually Kyoraku decided that it was time to talk to me about the consequence of my actions in the fight against Aizen…

Flashback, Picking Up the Pieces

"Hitsugaya-taichou, I'm coming in" Kyoraku stated before entering the room. I didn't offer him an answer as he entered the room and sat down in the chair next to my bed.

After a moment had passed, he spoke again. "It seems that your physical injuries have pretty much healed. So you should be able to get out of here soon. I bet you're happy about that, huh?" he said as he tried to get me to open up to him. "As great as squad four is, this place is just too depressing. I have no idea how Unohana manages to work here day after day."

Again, I said nothing in response as I continued to stare out the window.

"Look, Hitsugaya-taichou, let's just cut to the chase, shall we?" the squad eight captain began again once he realized that I wasn't going to engage in any small talk. "I'm here to talk about what you said to Aizen. You said that you were ready to forsake your duties as a captain of the Gotei 13 and even resign from your position if it meant being able to kill him. As I'm sure you know, as another captain of the Gotei 13, I can't exactly let a comment like that slide."

"... So what?" I finally spoke. "I take it you already reported me to the head captain. Am I suspended?"

"No." he replied. "In fact, I'm the only one who knows and I haven't told anyone about what you said. I figured it was best to talk to you about it first."

"Is that so…" I mumbled as I continued to stare out the window.

"Look, Hitsugaya, we've got to talk about this" he urged as he tried to get my attention once more. "As much as you might not want to, we need to talk about this. I understand that it was probably just said in the heat of the moment, but it's still-"

"It wasn't" I interrupted. "I meant every word. And I still do."

"Damnit, Hitsugaya!" he yelled as he slammed his on the nightstand next to him. "You can't keep acting like this! It's been three weeks since you woke up! I get that Hinamori-kun was important, but this is just ridiculous! You need to move on-"

"What the hell do you know!?" I yelled back as I finally faced him for the first time. "Do you know what it's like?! To have the one you wanted to protect the most die by your hand!? Well, do you!? So until you can say that you do, don't you say anything about what I should or shouldn't do!"

"While I can't say that I know what it's like to kill someone dear to you," Kyoraku replied as he regained control of his anger. "I do know what it's like to lose someone precious to you at the hands of Aizen Sosuke. Do you remember the visored called Lisa? She was once my lieutenant, before she was transformed into a visored at the hands of Aizen. Until I saw her at the final showdown, I thought she was dead."

"Well at least she survived in the end!" I answered, not one drop of sympathy in my voice. "Hinamori's dead and no miracle will bring her back!"

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that…" the eighth division captain whispered under his breath, just loud enough for me to hear.

"...What was that?" I asked, my anger starting to fade away. "Did you just say that there's a chance Hinamori's alive?"

"Darn, I wasn't supposed to tell you that…" he muttered to himself as he scratched his chin. "Look, let's just pretend I didn't say that, okay?"

"Oh no, that's not going to happen" I replied as I grabbed his robes in my hand and pulled him close to me. "You're going to tell me exactly what you meant by that."

"Sheesh, looks like I have no choice then." he answered as he lowered his hand. "Alrighty then. Well, for starters, Hinamori-kun didn't die during the battle with Aizen. In fact, she's still breathing as we speak."

I instantly released his garbs as I widened my eyes in shock. You were alive. I didn't kill you. You were alive and well and-

"... Well, at least for now" he finished before straightening out the wrinkles my grip had caused in his clothing.

"W-What do you mean… for now?" I slowly said as I felt my hopes starting to fall once again.

"See, this is why I wasn't supposed to tell you…" he muttered as he tried to find some way to explain the current situation. "You see, while she's still technically alive, her condition is still uncertain and she hasn't woken up yet. So out of the spirit of not giving you any false hope, we decided not to tell you anything until everything was certain. After all, there was no point in making you relive her death twice."

"I-I see…" I whispered as I tried to process this new information. So then there's still a chance that I did kill her I thought to myself.

"Well," Kyoraku began after a moment had passed. "That's about all I came to say. Oh, and don't let anyone know I told you, okay? Old man Yama will be pissed if he finds out I told you."

All I could do was nod as the eighth division captain got up and left the room.

For the rest of that afternoon, all I could do was think about what Kyoraku had told me. There was still a chance that you would live, even if you hadn't completely recovered yet.

And during that afternoon, I came to the following conclusion: that my fate would be tied to yours. If you lived, then I would do whatever it took to make it up to you. And if you died, then… well.. So would I.

I know what you're thinking. There's no way that you would want me to give up my life just because you had lost yours. But please try to understand. The weight of the knowledge that I had survived while you had died was just too much. If you died, then it only made sense that I should have as well. After all, we had made a pact to always stay together. I took that to mean even in death.

Anyway, the plus side to this was that until your fate was sealed, I was going to act as though you were going to live. And that meant putting all I had into recovering and getting stronger.

"Well, Hitsugaya-Taichou, I have to say" Unohana began as she checked my vital signs for the last time "You have managed to make an excellent recovery in the last two weeks. So I think it is safe to say that you are ready to return to your duties as the captain of squad ten."

"Thank you" I replied as I stood up and put on my captain's garb for the first time in months.

"That being said," she added as she put her medical tools away. "I do recommend that you take it easy for the next little while. Your wounds have healed, but your body is still weak from inactivity. So try not to push yourself too hard for the next two weeks. And that means no training."

I simply nodded in response before leaving the room.

There's no way I could have told her that I had no intention of following her advice. After all, there was still so much I had to before you woke up.

If you woke up.

In any event, it didn't take long for me to get back into the normalities of everyday life as captain of the Gotei 13. Kyoraku never did tell anyone about what I had said on the battlefield. I guess he just figured that everyone would be better off if we pretended like the whole thing never happened.

That or he didn't want to risk me telling on him about letting it slip that you were still technically alive. I guess either reason works.

Anyway, I figured that in the meantime, the best thing for me to do was train. I needed to get stronger, strong enough so that I could finally protect you. And it was in this training that I finally achieved it. My true Bankai.

Unfortunately, my current body was unable to withstand the true power of my bankai. So it left me with only one choice: I had to age myself. Don't ask me how I did it, truth be told, I'm still not entirely sure how I did it myself. But once I felt myself get more in tuned with Hyorinmaru, it just sort of… happened. And when it did, I knew that it was the solution I needed.

And so I started to train this new form in order to perfect my completed bankai. I had to make sure it was ready in time to protect you when you woke up.

"I see…" I muttered to myself as I stared down at the frozen boulder before me. "So it takes about 10 seconds for me to will something completely frozen in this form. Hmm… That's no good, it takes too long to be useful in combat. Now, maybe if I brought it down to 4 seconds then-"

"Taichou!" I heard someone yell from outside the cavern I was training in. "Taichou, where are you!?"

Recognizing the voice as Matsumoto's, I sighed before beginning to make my way back towards the entrance. "What do you want, Matsumoto? I'm busy training right now." I said as I exited the cave.

"Taichou!" she yelled as she rushed over to me. "I just heard from squad four. It's about Hinamori. She-"

I didn't hear the rest. Because the second she said your name, I immediately bolted to the fourth division.

"Where is she?!" I demanded as I stared down a squad four officer. "Tell me where she is NOW!"

The officer stared at me dumbfounded for a few seconds. "W-Wha… Who.. are you talking about?" he finally managed to spit out.

"Hinamori, Damnit!" I urged as I started to glare. "Who else would I be talking about!? Now tell me where the hell is she!"

"S-She's in room 214…" he stuttered under the pressure of my gaze. "If you go down that hallway, then you'll reach-"

Once again, I didn't hear the rest. Because as soon as I got the information I needed, I sprinted down the hallway to find you.

The second I reached the door that said 214, I immediately swung it open. Everyone in the room then suddenly turned around to see face me. And one of those people was you.

I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. And before I knew it, I was suddenly engulfing you in a desperate hug. I was so happy… You didn't die… I didn't kill you… You were alive….

"Hinamori…" I muttered into your hair as I felt the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. "I-I'm so glad…. I thought I lost you…."

"S-Shiro… Chan?" I heard you mutter in my ear.

"I'm so, so sorry…" I continued as my grip on you tightened. "I should have known… I was supposed to protect you… And yet I…. I…"

"It's okay…" you whispered as I felt your arms wrap around me. "I just heard about everything from Unohana-taichou. It wasn't your fault…"

"Hinamori, I swear" I began as I pulled away from you enough so I could properly face you. "I will do whatever it takes to make sure you never get hurt like this again. I swear, I will protect you."

As you looked back at me, I noticed your face start to turn a light shade of red.

"Is something wrong…?" I asked as I stared intently at you. "Are you feeling okay?! I'll go get Unohana and she-"

"N-No, that's not… it" you muttered as you looked off to the side. "It's just… um… You're so..."

A millions thoughts were running through my head at that moment. What was I? Was I hurting you? Were you scared of me now? Was I-

"...big." you finished as you continued to refuse to meet my gaze.

And then I remember that I was still in my adult form.

"O-Oh, well, um, you see…" I began as I suddenly let you go. "I, uh, well… My body couldn't withstand the pressure of a perfected Hyorinmaru. So I had to age myself to continue my training… Why? Is there something wrong with the way I look?"

"N-No, that's not what I was… Um…" you replied as you tried to get your thoughts in order.

"Hitsugaya-Taichou" I heard someone from behind me interrupt. "Hinamori-fukutaichou just woke up and is incredibly overwhelmed. I won't ask how you knew of her condition or how you knew that she had woken up just now. In turn, I ask that you leave us be so that she may get some rest."

"A-Alright. That's fair…" I answered the fourth division captain before resuming my attention back to you. "I'll be back as soon as I can, Hinamori. Take care until then"

All I got in response from you was a nod before being escorted out by Unohana.

After that day, I visited you every chance I got. Sure, I still dedicated a lot of my time to training, but I always made sure to find time to spend with you.

Some days, I even multi-tasked. And by that, I mean that I decided to visit you while still in my adult form from my training earlier. It was like killing two birds with one stone: I was training my body to support this form for longer periods of time all the while spending time with you. It really seemed was the perfect plan.

Except, I got the feeling that you didn't like my adult form too much. Because whenever I would show up still in it, you would always get flustered and find some excuse to cut our time short….

I hate my adult form.