Lena is unusually quiet for the rest of the day. She spends some more time making sure her statement for the next day is as perfect as can be and Kara doesn't dare bother her. She leaves her apartment twice to take care of robbers and a kidnapper, and it's as if Lena doesn't even notice she's gone. Kara feels restless. She orders take-out and Lena barely touches any of the food on the table. She's distant and she constantly worries her bottom lip, and Kara wishes Lena would just talk to her.
Out of respect she hasn't listened to what the FBI agents told Lena, to what Lena told them. Now she wonders if she should have.
"I'm going to check on Alex and Mon-El," Kara says some time after they're done with dinner.
Lena hums in acknowledgement and Kara, in her Supergirl outfit, huffs and leaves without another word.
"I'm going crazy," Kara announces as she walks into Alex's room at the DEO.
"Well, hello to you too, Supergirl. What brings you here?"
Kara closes the door behind her and sits heavily on the bed.
"How's the leg?"
"It's fine. I'm cleared tomorrow."
"Can you walk?"
"Yeah with crutches. Or with Maggie, she's the same size," Alex jokes.
That gets a grin out of Kara before she sighs again and lets her shoulders sag. Alex grows serious instantly.
"Hey. What's wrong?"
"Lena. I don't know what to do with her," Kara laments.
"Uh, in what way?"
"It's just… sometimes it feels like we're making progress and the next thing I know, she's shutting me out and barely talks, and she's so hot and cold; I don't know how to deal with that."
"Ooooh, so are we finally talking about that?"
"That what?"
"Your huge crush on Lena Luthor?"
"I'm not—I don't—stop. What?"
Alex tilts her head and looks at Kara sympathetically but she doesn't repeat herself. Kara caves in and lets out a long, suffering sigh.
"I can't read her, Alex. I don't know if she has feelings for me or if she's just playing with me and what am I supposed to do?"
"Well, I hate to point out the obvious but maybe this simply isn't the right time?"
"Yeah, I know… She's got so much going on; I shouldn't push, I shouldn't ask her for anything, but… being so close to her all the time makes it so hard."
"You don't have to be with her all the time," Alex points out.
"I—rationally I know that. There's no threat upon her right this moment, but I can't—I can't leave her out of my sight," Kara admits quietly.
"You're afraid," Alex realizes. "You're afraid of losing her again."
"I'm terrified."
On the bed, Alex rearranges her position and shifts as close to Kara as the sheets will allow her. She takes Kara's hands in hers and squeezes them lightly. Her sister smiles shyly and takes off her boots before scooting closer and settling next to Alex on the bed. Once she's comfortable, Kara lets her head drop on Alex's shoulder and Alex rests her head on top of Kara's.
"You know, when Maggie and I started dating, I was always worried for her safety. She's a cop. Any time she's out there on the job is a time she might get killed. I had to get used to the idea, to find a way to compartmentalize. I've gotten better at it but I still worry, every day. That fear doesn't go away, Kara, but you learn how to control it. And you're lucky: Lena's not a cop."
Kara snorts.
"With all the attempts on her life she might as well be the president."
"Just be patient with her, Kara. Lena has her own demons to battle. You won't be able to do that for her."
"I didn't know wisdom came with being a lesbian," Kara teases.
"Shut up," Alex retorts good-naturedly as she elbows Kara in the ribs.
They both laugh and Kara feels better, as if a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. After another hour, Kara bids Alex goodnight and heads back to her apartment, ready to face Lena.
Shit is Kara's first thought when she enters the living-room through the window. Lena is just exiting the bathroom and there's only a big, fluffy towel around her body and her hair is all wet and messy and Kara feels faint. Their eyes meet and Kara is sure she's bright red because Lena smirks that very specific smirk that means she knows Kara is uncomfortable.
"I didn't think you'd be back so soon," Lena says as she turns and walks into Kara's bedroom.
Kara is left to pick up her jaw from the floor. She clears her throat awkwardly and shifts from one leg to the other, arms crossed protectively on her chest.
"I'm tired," she lies.
Lena reappears a few seconds later, in a tank top that Kara recognizes as hers.
"I hope you don't mind," Lena says. "I put pretty much all of my clothes in the washing machine."
"I don't mind. At all."
The truth is that the tank top looks very good on Lena. It clings to her curves; curves that Kara is desperately trying to ignore at the moment.
"How are you," she asks, trying to regain her composure.
"I'm okay," Lena tells her softly. "I'm sorry I haven't been a good houseguest today."
"What? No, pfft, don't worry about that."
"Kara."
Lena looks truly sorry and Kara finally moves from her spot. She keeps a safe distance between them but her body relaxes and she sighs. Alex's words float in her mind.
"I know things are complicated right now, and your life is a mess and there's a lot of pressure on you. But I'm your friend, Lena, and I'm here for you. You can lean on me. I—I don't like feeling useless, especially not when I know you're hurting."
"My pain is my own, Kara. It's something I must deal with alone."
"Maybe, but talking about it can help a little."
"We've done that already."
"We can do it again, as many times as we need to."
For a moment, it seems that Lena wants to say something, to maybe unburden herself, but she doesn't. Kara's frustration flares up again but she quells it immediately.
"Well. You know that I'm here when you want to talk," she ends up saying.
She walks around Lena to go into the bathroom and shower. Behind her, Lena stands still and Kara doesn't wait for her to react.
She isn't sure how long she stands under hot water, cascading down her body, soothing her and relaxing her tense muscles. When she steps out of the shower, the room is foggy and she has to wipe the mirror to see her reflection in it. Quickly, she brushes her teeth, dries her hair and slips into a clean shirt and sweatpants. Kara takes a deep breath before heading out of the bathroom and into her bedroom where she knows Lena is waiting.
To her surprise, the room is only lit by her bedside lamp, and Lena's eyes are closed as she rests peacefully on her side. Quietly, Kara climbs onto the bed and slips under the covers. After she turns off the light, she lies on her back, eyes staring at the ceiling. Her head turns toward Lena who is facing away from her and she exhales softly, trying to relax.
Kara almost startles when suddenly, Lena's hand reaches blindly behind her, finds Kara's and tries to pull her closer. Without a word, Kara obliges her and scoots closer until she's right behind Lena and her arm is around Lena's waist. Lena leans back then, pressing further into Kara's front until she can't possibly be closer and Kara's face is half-buried in her black hair.
"My mother cried."
The words hang in the air, heavy. Kara says nothing, waiting for Lena to elaborate.
"I just wanted to know if she'd heard about me. I didn't expect much, but… There was so much hatred for me. I could feel it in my bones. She was mourning Lex and blaming me for his death."
"Oh Lena," Kara whispers.
"She kept thinking that she'd do anything to trade me for him. And I've always known that Lex was her favorite. He was her biological son after all. I guess a part of me was still hoping she'd be happy to learn I was alive. I'm a fool."
Lena's body shakes as she holds back her sobs and Kara's heart breaks. Her arm hugs Lena tighter and she lets her lips find Lena's shoulder.
"You're not a fool," she murmurs against Lena's skin. "You're brilliant and funny and beautiful. You're wonderful."
"Then why does my own mother not love me?"
"Because she doesn't know you, because she's not a good person and wouldn't know what kindness is if it hit her in the face," Kara says with conviction.
Lena takes a few deep breaths to calm herself as Kara tries her hardest to focus on anything other than the smooth skin beneath her lips and the sweet smell of Lena's body lotion and shampoo.
"Do you think I'll end up alone," Lena asks after a long silence.
"What? No. No, of course not!"
"But I can't even earn my mother's love; why would anyone—"
"You shouldn't have to earn your mother's love; it should be unconditional. She's… twisted. She's incapable of love."
It's torture for Kara, to hear the pain in Lena's voice and to be so powerless against it. She nudges Lena's ear and places a kiss behind it.
"You deserve the world, Lena Luthor."
It's as close to an admission of feelings as Kara can go without actually admitting anything. Lena doesn't reply but the hand that was on top of Kara's around her midsection lifts and finds the back of Kara's head and tangles in her hair. Lena shifts on her back and Kara can feel her breath on her lips and she is so close… too close. Kara pulls back a little, grabbing Lena's hand and placing it back between them.
"You should sleep," she says, her voice tight. "You're exhausted and tomorrow is going to be a long day."
If Lena is hurt by Kara's gentle deflection and rejection, she doesn't say a word about it. She burrows into Kara's side and finds her usual spot on her shoulder. Kara allows her the comfort of her arms again, and as she's done for the past few nights, she falls asleep to the sound of Lena's heartbeat.