Matt had been dealing with the stress from collage since he had began going to school there, The campus was much bigger with alot more people then he had thought. He was pretty scared when he first showed up, Walking through the double doors, All alone, Not knowing anyone, He almost felt like just going back home but he couldn't do that, He had finally made it away from there, Away from his father. He couldn't turn back around now, He just needed to overcome these feelings. After-all he knew that it wouldn't be like high school, Alot more people, Alot harder work but it was far more different then he had ever thought possible, It was too much to handle at times, He began drinking, Just partying to defuse the worry, The overwhelming stress. The parties had helped him with his inner-feelings but it did nothing for his work-ethic. He began coming in late to classes, Not returning homework in on time, And eventually not even bothering to do the assignments. The only good thing that came out of those parties that he intended, Was that at one of them was where he meet Mackenzie for the first time. He noticed her from afar, He was standing near the surround system, It was close by to the bar and he saw this girl with brown hair, cut Short, He wasn't sure if he would be her type, Because she was dancing with this one girl and with the first impression of her, The short hair-do it didn't seem like he would be of her type. But after staring at her for a good nine minutes, She came up to him and said one line that knocked him off his feet, The one-line that made him want her. "Are you gonna ask me to dance or just stand over here in the corner and stalk me with your eyes?."
Matt was taken back with her statement, He had never known a girl with that much foxy, He liked her from then on. They never did dance that night, Matt wasn't comfortable with dancing but they did get to know each other, Throughout the party they talked. She talked about her family, And Matt talked about things that he enjoyed doing back home, He mentioned to her how he was terrified of collage and how he really felt like he wasn't gonna beable to make it through the pressure that collage placed on your shoulders, She encouraged him to just take it easy and if it got too bad, He could talk to one of the collage professors "I'm sure they'd help you if you think you've been assigned too much work." She went on to say that one of her friends felt the exact same way when she first came here, She felt like she wouldn't beable to handle it all and they assigned her a tutor, Not because she didn't know the work but just someone to help her keep her head on straight, You know she explained to Matt. Matt felt more at ease with her then when he was just sitting in his dorm room alone. He didn't really know why he had reacted to collage the way he did. "I guess it's just alot more then what I had anticipated for." Matt would say.
Mackie was very understandable, She would help Matt to bring his grades back up and to get back with the rest of the class, He had missed quite a bit of classes from over-sleeping during the days that he had partied the previous nights and was too exhausted to go to the classes so to say that he was behind was putting it mildly.
He was just a few credits from failing, And perhaps being expelled. He was called in numerous times his first year at the collage on just that fact. The dean was very worried for Matt's future. "You've got to keep focused Matthew, You don't want to lose this opportunity now do you?." He would say. Matt always hated having to sit through his lectures, He reminded him so much of his father.
That's the only reason why he took to going to collage in the first place,It was to get away from his father, And to get out of that town. He told everyone that it was because he wanted a better future then his family had but the real reason had to be just getting away from his dad, He just didn't like being there with his father, he wouldn't admit it out-loud but it was the truth.
Matt had settled nicely to his new routine once Mackie came in the picture, She really was a god's send. She always reminded him to not stay up too late, And to go to class, I know it sounds pitiful that I couldn't do that on my own, But it wasn't that I couldn't, I just really didn't give a damn during that point in time, I was just so down about everything, My grades, My self-esteem. I didn't care weather I was expelled or not. As-long as I didn't have to go home, I didn't care one way or another. If it wasn't for me dating Mackie, I don't know what would have happened if ti wasn't for her, She would be there with me all the way, Telling me how good I was and that I could get caught up and to not worry so much over it, That everything would be fine. I needed to hear that and she pounded it into my brain. I was really started to feel better about school. We even discussed living together, She was staying at her parent's house off campus, I suggested we get a apartment together but she said as for right now, That it would be too much to take on. "Maybe after collage." she would say. It was the only disappointment that I have had with her.
It wasn't until a few weeks before his visit back home did his worries came back. "Did they ever." He whispers. They came back in full-force. It wasn't just being stressed out, Or worrying over if he'd get a good grade on his tests, He began hearing things,Things that he didn't say, Things that he had thought someone else had said, He'd say something to that person and they'd say that they didn't say anything of that nature. It really confused Matthew, He didn't know if they were lying to him about it or if he really was hearing things that weren't there. He blamed it on the stress of collage. He avoided friends, Or places with alot of people in the area.
It seemed to get worse during those times were there were alot of people gathered, He'd hear all these people's voices just booming in his ears and he really didn't know if what he was hearing was true. It scared him. He didn't want to tell anyone, Not even Mackie. He feared that she would think he was insane and leave him. If she left, What would happen, He'd have to go back home. That was the least of what he wanted to happen. He would wait until he really was crazy before he told anyone.
And the last straw to fall happened just three days before he went home, It was a cold windy day, Thunderstorms were sprawled out all over the area, We probably had three in just a few hours, It was 7:54 AM, Matt had spent the night panicking over a test that was due. He was so stressed he couldn't concentrate even on studying for the test. He laid there in bed, Sweat pouring from his body, He tried to open the book to study for the exam but he would get to three paragraphs and slam the book shut, He just couldn't get the voices to calm down long enough to focus on what needed to be done. He just laid there until he fell asleep. It was 5:32 AM during that time.
So by the time came for the alarm clock to go off, He barely had two hours sleep, He was tired. He gets up only when Mackie comes rushing into the room, She had her books in hand. "What are you doing, Laying there. We have tests. Get up Matt. We've gotta go." Matt laid there in protest, Not wanting to get up but Mackie stood there staring down at him, Eyes to eyes. He could tell that she wasn't going anywhere until he got up to go with her.
"Why don't you just go without me, Mackie. I'm not gonna ace this test, I probably won't even get a D."
Mackie wouldn't hear of it "Your gonna do great Matt, If you would just believe in yourself."
Matt shook his head "Nah, I know I'm gonna do terrible.
Mackie grabs Matt's wrist, Pulling him up slightly.
"Your gonna have to help me." She laughs
Matt rolls his eyes and gets up, He grabs his books and follows her out the door.
Mackie looks back around her seeing Matt right behind her but without shoes or pants on. "Aren't you missing some things." She whispers with a smile.
Matt looks down sleepy-eyed "Oh yeah.
"Well you did say come on." Matt stats as he grabs his pants and puts them on.
Mackie looks back at Matt "Come on, Matt. Stop playing around, We don't have time for this." She laughs.
When Matt gets his shoes on, He follows Mackie back out into the hall.
"Look I've gotta go take a piss, I'll be right back. Five minutes I promise." Matt says with his hand in Mackie's. "If you could just save me a seat." He smiles
"You can just say I've gotta go to the bathroom." Mackie whispers as Matt apologizes.
Mackie gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing his books "Alright, But if you ain't in that room sitting beside me after five, Then I'm coming to find you." She warns with a low laugh.
Matt smiles back as he watches her go down the hall and disappear down the long corridor.
He didn't feel like taking no test today, He didn't feel like doing anything other then going back to bed.
He could already feel his skin getting hot, He felt like he was about to explode. He just wanted it to stop. He hears the voice taunting him inside his own head "Your gonna be late to your test, You don't wanna be late for that, Do you?. Even if your gonna fail, that's all you are Matthew, Your just a failure."
Matt sits down on the floor.
unable to control himself "Why won't you just shut up, Pleaseeee." Matt shouts.
People were hearing commotion in one of the dorm co-ed bathrooms, A few people said that it sounded like someone was going mad in there and they were just about right, Matt had taken to slamming his fists in the mirror, He couldn't say what had caused the reaction, It wasn't really like he was the one doing it. He was sweating, His eyes were glazed over. When he had finally made enough ruckus for anyone to intervene and step into the bathroom, Matt had broken each mirror with his bare hands, They were cut up pretty bad and bleeding, The trash can was tossed and it looked like it was thrown against the wall a couple of times because of the large dented side. The collage kids who had first went in there were stunned to see that it was Matt, One of them were drinking buddies with Matt during the times that Matt would drink.
The quickly called for the dean and a consular.
They brought Matt in to the dean's office "Matt we need to talk about what happened in there."
Matt sat there, his eyes were stuck down towards the floor, He couldn't believe he had snapped like that.
"I'm so sorry about what happened in there, I don't know what's come over me."
"Why don't we talk about what happened before the incident?." The dean suggests.
Matt nods "I was just getting ready to go to my first class." Matt stands up "I have a test I need to take, I really need to go." Matt almost walks out before the consular steps in to stop him "I think we can cover for you on that one Matthew, Why don't you sit back down. I think it's really important to understand why you did what you did."
Matt shakes his head "I think it's just the pressue, It's too much."
"Maybe you should take some time off from school for awhile, Go see your family."
Matt nods his head "Yeah, I..I think that would be for the best."
"I was just thinking about that exact same thing." The consular replies.
Matt shakes hands with both men before going to get his car keys and his duffle bag "Maybe this is just what I need, I just need to get away for while."
Matt made sure to get ahold of Mackie before leaving to say his good-byes and to explain as to where he was going and why.
"They both agree with all the stress I've been under, That I should just go home for a little while."
Mackie stands near the cafetarie doors, Trying not to cry "If you think that's best then I guess I'll see you when you get back."
Matt nods to her with a smile.
Mackie hugs him, Kisses him on the lips and hugs him again.
"I hate saying good-bye." She whispers, tears now slowly falling.
Matt wipes them away "I'm not gonna be gone forever, Just for a few days."
Matt thought that his problems were over, When he left the collage campus he felt 50 percent better, The stress wasn't there and for the first time in days, He didn't hear the voices in his head other then his own thoughts. He had thought that he had solved the problem, He spent the days with his dad and Jeff, And he only needed to take two pills during his stay, He went back to collage and things seemed to be better, He could finally breath. But being home for the second time, That turned out to be the undoing all over again. Finding out that his father is dead, Jeff not being around, Not knowing what had happened to him, Proved that the issue is far from being gone, It came back and now he doesn't know how long he can keep it a secret, If much longer.
TBC
Infection13: Exactly but he thinks the pills are the only thing to help him right now, Thanks for reviewing!.
slashdlite: If you re-read chapter 12, There is a short sentece in the middle of that chapter that says that he took two pills during that time, I believe that is all I wrote about it though. I hope that this chapter has helped answer that question on what caused his illness. I'm not saying that it was the main factor but it did have something to do with it. Your right, Matt can NOT look after Jeff, I see Mark taking him in yes. But after that I really have no idea what's gonna happen other-then Jeff and Mark hooking up lol In due time of course. Thanks for reviewing.
Birdy Main: He didn't leave him alone entirly, It should have said that he asked a neighbor to look after Jeff while Matt went out to look for Mark. But your right, Matt probably could have waited. Thank you for still reviewing!. I hope that my story hasn't lost interest. Tell me if I'm dragging the story out too long.
IsidoraAngst: Yes he does. Yah too! I can't wait to get to the juicy parts, I just don't want to hurry into it. Thanks for reviewing!.
I hope that you like this chapter, It invovles Matt more then anyone but I wanted to explain how his illness began. I hope it's to everyone's liking :) If I'm taking too long to get to Mark and Jeff, Let me know.