Part Four
IV.
Andersen Obadiah Potter was born in the early hours of November 1, 2001. Mrs. Ryan was with Joey throughout her labor, with Bessie joining them before the end.
Bodie was shocked when he found out Joey had named her son for him. "Don't get me wrong, Joey. I'm completely flattered, but you know even I hate the name Obadiah, right?"
"Doesn't matter. Everyone hates their middle name. It builds character." Joey stuck her tongue out at him.
Bodie smiled and kissed his namesake on the forehead.
"So any chance you'll let me call Daddy and tell him the good news?"
Joey glared at Jen. As much as she could glare at anyone holding her sleeping, newborn son. Jen refused to let the Pacey issue drop.
Joey had gotten as far as five digits in Pacey's phone number, walked as far as the entrance to the wharf. But she always came to her senses in time. Pacey had been in Boston for almost a month; if he wanted to see her, he'd have done so by now.
"No, Jen. As self-appointed godmother to my son and default-acquired current best friend to myself, I expect you to honor my wishes in this."
Jen shook her head, never taking her eyes off the sleeping infant in her arms. "It's times like this I'm glad I don't believe in hell. Keeping this kind of secret has to get you sent straight there."
I.
The rest of her hospital stay was a blur of postpartum tears, learning how to feed this strange little creature whose very sustenance came from her body, and dealing with the crowd of intrusive friends and family who all wanted to hold the baby. Joey was irrationally afraid that everyone would drop him.
The women who had been there all night were the first, of course. Mrs. Ryan performed an inventory of all his various fingers and toes, while Bessie, Gretchen and Jen argued good-naturedly over which of them would be his favorite auntie.
A few hours later, Doug showed up. When Pacey told him the baby's name, he sat stunned, fighting back tears, for a full minute before giving his brother a huge, soppy hug.
Less touching was the afternoon visit from Pacey's parents. Mrs. Witter observed that Andersen was a wussy name and the baby was likely to be colicky. Sheriff Witter wondered how they were going to pay the hospital bill and refused to listen to Pacey's defense. He did slip his son a hundred dollars on their way out, but Joey saw Pacey rest his head on the door after shutting it behind them.
He took a deep breath, then turned back to Joey and the baby. "I've figured out how I'm going to be a good dad," he said, lowering himself carefully onto the bed next to her.
Joey shifted to give him more room. "How's that?"
"I'm going to think, 'what would my parents do?' and then do the exact opposite." He touched Andersen's cheek with a single finger. Pacey's hand was large enough to cover the baby's whole face, but he was beautifully gentle.
Andersen turned toward the touch, eyes closed, little mouth open and searching.
A sudden thought struck Joey. "Pace, have you held him yet?"
Pacey pulled his hand away quickly. "Uh, no, but it's okay, Jo. I know you haven't liked sharing him."
"With them, not with you. Pacey, you're his dad. He needs to get to know you, your touch, your smell." She turned to hand him the baby, but Pacey didn't reach for him.
"What if I hurt him? Or drop him?"
"Don't be stupid. You never dropped Alexander, or Lily, or your nieces. You're good with babies, sweetheart." Joey frowned, not understanding his fear. "What's this really about?"
His eyes were fastened on Andersen's misshapen face. "What if I screw this up, Jo? Of all the things in my life, this is the one time I've got to get it right, and I don't know if I can."
"Pacey, every parent feels like that. I feel like that. All we can do is love him and try our best. Here, take him." Not taking no for an answer this time, Joey pushed Andersen against his chest and waited until Pacey's arms came up to cradle him. Then she released her son and sat back to watch.
Pacey's expression was one of unconcealed wonder. Tears pooled in his eyes. "Hi," he said in a choked voice. "Hey, kiddo. I'm your dad." He seemed stunned by the thought and repeated it in an awestruck whisper, "I'm your dad. Not sure I'll be any good at it, but I'll try. I'll try never to make you feel like you're not good enough. I want you to know that I'll love you no matter what you do or say, or how bad you screw up." He glanced at Joey. She knew her face was awash in tears.
"And the good thing is," Pacey went on in a stronger voice, "You've got this amazing mom, who'll keep us both sorted out. She's fierce as a tiger, and you gotta watch out for her temper." Joey elbowed his ribs. "Ow. See what I mean? But she's the smartest person in the world. She'll know the answer to every question you could possibly ask. But mostly..." Pacey looked at Joey as he finished, "mostly, she'll make you feel safe and loved and happier than you have any right to be."
Joey hid her face in Pacey's neck and sobbed.
Returning to school four days after giving birth was the hands-down stupidest thing Joey had done in her life, but she didn't have a choice. Finals were rapidly approaching, and she'd missed too many classes already.
Pacey drove her rather than letting her use public transport or drive herself. But still, her legs felt wobbly, her body ached, and the ever-present tears surged at every thought of Andersen, even left in Mrs. Ryan's capable hands.
Whatever Pacey said, Joey knew she was a terrible mother.
Concentrating on lectures was a pain. Keeping her emotions under control was a challenge. Finding the time and place to use her breast pump was a humiliating and painful introduction to modern motherhood.
What was wrong with her, imagining she could be a mother and a scholar, too?
Joey called Mrs. Ryan during every break, but her cheerful and encouraging reports of Andersen's day only served to make Joey more miserable.
Jen picked her up after her last class, as Pacey had to work. It was all Joey could do not to beg Jen to break speed laws driving home. Joey was out of the car before it was fully in park and only felt moderately human again once Anders was in her arms, safe at her breast.
IV.
Joey took more pictures of Andersen than even the most devoted new mother. She bought and kept a scrapbook for recording all his milestones. She journaled every day of his infancy.
She refused to admit even to herself why she did this. But there was an unsealed envelope kept in the front of the scrapbook, containing a letter Joey wrote and rewrote regularly. The envelope had no stamp, no mailing address, just Pacey Witter scrawled across the front.
Joey opted to spend Thanksgiving in Boston with Grams and Jen. She invited Bessie and her family up to join them. Her reasons for this were very clear. Andersen hadn't had his shots yet and should be exposed to as few people as possible. He'd yet to take any kind of long car ride, as well.
"Plus, let's face it, your Grams is a far better cook than Bessie or I. Last year, we burnt the bird," she told Jen, who continued to express doubts about Joey's motives.
"And it's not like your de facto brother-in-law is a chef or anything."
"That's why Bodie's bringing dessert."
Jen threw down her knitting. She was making Anders an adorable blue hat and booties which matched his eyes. "You're just afraid of running into Pacey in Capeside. Admit it."
Joey finished nursing and lifted Andersen for a burp. "You're the one who's obsessed with him, not me. My life is far too busy to spare a thought for the comings and goings of my ex-boyfriends."
"I don't know which possibility I find most appalling, Joey. The idea that you're lying to me, lying to yourself, or not lying at all."
Andersen spit up on her shoulder.
I.
By Thanksgiving, Joey was on a more even keel, emotionally speaking. She still didn't like leaving Anders the hours a day for class, but Pacey and her friends had convinced her she wasn't a terrible mother for it. It helped that Andersen was small and sweet enough that she could do most of her studying with him beside her. And it helped that she was able to arrange her next semester so she would only have classes three days a week.
But the treasure was four days in Capeside, when Pacey didn't have to work, she didn't have class, and they could relax and enjoy their new little family and the town that made them.
They stayed with Bessie and Bodie at the B&B. With Mrs. Ryan now settled in Boston, the Leerys had offered to host this year's Thanksgiving dinner. Grams and Jen were headed to New York to suffer through the holiday with Jen's parents. Jack and his dad were in Italy with Andie. So the Thanksgiving crowd would be made up entirely of Leerys, Potters, and Witters, which gave Joey odd childhood flashbacks.
"I half-expect to be seated at the kids' table," she told Pacey as they crunched their way hand-in-hand through the blanket of snow to the Leerys' front porch. In her free hand, Joey carried their contribution to the meal—cranberries, not from a can this year, some complex salad Pacey had made. Joey had sneaked a bite; it tasted divine.
Pacey snorted, his breath visible in the cold air. "Probably be more fun." He had Andersen's diaper bag slung over his shoulder, the baby's blanket-shrouded carseat in hand. Joey wondered if he'd believe her if she told him how sexy he looked.
Bessie, Bodie and Alexander walked ahead of them, so the door was already open when they arrived. The warmth of the Leery house enveloped Joey the moment she stepped through the door; it felt like coming home.
"Joey! You look fantastic!" Gail greeted her with a warm hug. "Pacey, get that baby out of the cold!"
Mitch stood by to help them out of their coats and winter things. Pacey was uncovering Andersen in his carseat when Gretchen barreled around the corner, dragging Dawson by the hand.
"Gimme my nephew," Gretchen demanded, letting go of Dawson to reach for the baby. "How'd he grow so much in a week?"
Pacey proudly transferred his son from the carseat to his aunt's arms.
Joey stood awkwardly rocking on her toes next to Dawson. He seemed as chagrined, gazing from Gretchen and the baby to Joey and back again.
"Happy Thanksgiving, Dawson," she blurted out.
Dawson smiled. His stance relaxed. "Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, Joey." He pulled her in for a hug. "And congratulations. He's beautiful."
"Thank you." Joey was glad the hug lasted just as long as it should and didn't linger and was ecstatic when Dawson immediately afterwards turned to Pacey and shook his hand.
"Pace. Congratulations, man."
Pacey clapped Dawson on the shoulder. "Thanks, D. Happy Thanksgiving. How's California?" The two walked away, catching up, laughing. Friends again, like nothing had ever changed.
Joey caught Gretchen watching them go with a satisfied smile on her face. "So you and Dawson...that's happening again?"
Gretchen laughed, shrugged, shook her head. "Who knows? What I do know is that my new nephew is the most beautiful boy on the planet."
Joey rubbed the soft baby-fuzz on the top of his head. He blinked up at her, his mouth twisted in a funny half-smile. "He's got his daddy's eyes."
"And his mommy's smile," Gretchen added. "Come on, I'll show you where to put the food. I'm not giving up this little guy for a while."
As it turned out, there was no kids' table this year. Kerry's terrors were with their father's family, and Alexander and Lily were still in high chairs. Andersen slept through the meal in his carseat at Joey's feet.
They were a large, rowdy group, given that all the Witter siblings showed up for the first time since Joey couldn't remember when. Pacey seemed genuinely happy, flushed and proud, as he showed off the baby. Dawson, Joey, Pacey and their siblings spent a lot of the meal recounting childhood memories. Every once in a while, Pacey's mom would say something that left him cringing and Joey gritting her teeth, but, overall, everyone was on their best behavior.
The good feeling continued into the recitation of thanks. Sheriff Witter made Joey roll her eyes when he expressed his thanks for the Patriots' winning start to the season, but Mrs. Witter surprised her by being grateful to have all her children under one roof again.
"I feel abundantly blessed this year," Mitch said. "My beautiful wife, our film-student son, and this perfect baby girl. A warm roof over our heads, good food to eat, and good friends to share it with."
They all raised their glasses in honor of the sentiment.
"I don't even know what to add to that," Gail said next. "So I'll be totally shallow and say I'm glad the restaurant is turning a profit. Oh! And I'm glad to not be pregnant anymore."
"Amen to that," mumbled Joey.
"Uh, me next?" said Dawson. "I guess what I'm most grateful for this year are second chances, and even third." He tipped his cup toward Pacey and Joey, then reached over and took Gretchen's hand.
Gretchen squeezed his fingers. "I'm thankful for the unexpected path, the twists life throws at you, the ones you don't see coming but that make you who you are and bring you where you're meant to be."
"That's all well and good," put in Bessie. "But my biggest thanks this year is that Alexander is finally potty-trained."
Everyone laughed, and Pacey kept sniggering when Doug was most grateful for a "world full of beautiful music."
"It won't exactly shock anyone if I say I'm grateful for Andersen, will it?" Joey said to the smiles of her family. "He's the best thing that's ever happened in my life. And despite some definite tragedies..." She shared a thought with Bessie for their mother. "Looking around this table, I realize life has been pretty good to me."
Pacey put his arm around the back of her chair and caressed her shoulder with his fingertips. "Can I just say ditto?"
"No." Mitch wadded up his napkin and threw it at Pacey.
Pacey ducked theatrically. "Okay, okay. I am grateful for my son, but I'm also grateful for this incredible, luminous woman who gave him to me." He nuzzled Joey's face with his own, then dropped his head when his sisters started whistling.
Bodie cleared his throat. "On that note, I have my own incredible Potter sister to be grateful for." He stood up, then sank to one knee by Bessie's chair. "Elizabeth Potter, you've given me everything beautiful in my life. I would consider it a privilege to give my life back to you." He produced a box with something small and sparkly inside. "I love you, Bess. Will you marry me?"
"Are you kidding me? Yes, yes, of course, yes!" Bessie threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.
Amid the flurry of congratulations, Andersen awoke and started to cry. Joey snatched him up and fled the room, grateful no one could see hers was the only face not smiling.
"I know you're upset," Pacey said, as he got ready for bed that night.
"I'm not upset." Joey had Andersen to her shoulder, trying to coax a burp out of him before he fell asleep.
"You are upset, and I know why. It's Bessie and Bodie, right?"
"I'm not upset," Joey snapped. She gave up on the burp and lay Anders down in the portable playpen serving as his crib at the B&B.
"You're upset because if Bessie and Bodie get married, you're convinced something terrible will happen. They'll learn to hate each other, or one of them will cheat, or..." He grabbed her arm and drew her to him, his blue eyes infinitely kind as they searched her face. "One of them will die."
Tears flooded her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Pace. I don't want to feel this way. I know it's irrational, but I can't help it. I'm scared."
"Jo, it's okay. But you know the last time you had an irrational fear?"
Joey shrugged and dropped her eyes. "Sex."
Pacey linked their fingers together and said in a low voice, "And how'd you get past it?"
"By having a lot of sex with you." Joey huffed a laugh and pushed him away. "Hasn't been six weeks yet, you horndog, and I'm not marrying you to get over my fear of marriage."
"Wasn't suggesting it, though the sex part sounds nice."
"Pacey!" she warned as she turned down their covers.
Pacey hopped into bed. "All I'm saying, Jo, is that maybe Bessie and Bodie will have a beautiful marriage, and it might help your fear go away."
"Or it will be a disaster, and all my worst fears will be confirmed." She slipped into bed next to him and turned off the lamp.
Pacey curled his body around her. "In that case, Potter," he purred in her ear, "you and I will just live happily in sin together 'til the end of our days."
Joey smiled in the dark. "I can think of worse fates."
III.
Whatever Pacey had been about to say that night after the wake, he wasn't in a hurry to say it. Joey barely saw him over the succeeding weeks, and only in group settings. She tried to find excuses for it. He had work; she had school. They didn't exactly travel in the same circles anymore. But it felt more like studied avoidance. They had gotten close to something that night, something that scared them both.
Pushing thoughts of Pacey aside, Joey threw herself into her research project for Professor Wilder. She was aware that she had developed something of a crush on her handsome, charming teacher, but she wasn't concerned about it.
Over the long summer months, Joey had come to some important realizations about herself and sex. She was on the pill now, but she would never forget the horror of looking at those two lines on the pregnancy test. She vowed to herself never to let a man into her body unless she loved him enough to risk the stick and the white room. Maybe that made her a prude—Pacey and Audrey would probably agree that it did—but she felt comfortable in her decision. Confident, even.
Confident enough to flirt with her cute professor, knowing it would never go anywhere.
While Joey was swearing off sex, Dawson finally started having it. He and Jen hooked up in the wake of his father's death. Everyone seemed to expect Joey to react badly, but aside from a passing worry that Jen might end up in a white room of her own, Joey was fine. She doubted their viability as a long-term couple—she'd seen them try before—but she was glad Dawson had found something that made him happy.
In the wake of the revelation, Pacey sought her out alone. It was only to reassure himself of what Joey had already told them all—that she was okay. But he did hug her. More than that. He held her. The embrace lingered. Underneath the spices he'd cooked with, she could smell sea and wind and Pacey. Joey felt safe, like she fit. The pieces which made up her were falling back into place.
Then he pulled away and walked her to her dorm, talking about nothing in particular, and said good night and left. Those fragile pieces slipped away with him.
He found her again during Christmas break to offer her a ride back to Boston. Joey was afraid she gave herself away by how eager she was to accept, but Pacey didn't seem to notice.
He was too busy showing off his new car. He dropped hints that there was a story to it, but he didn't tell her. It was further proof of how far apart they'd drifted that he didn't explain, and she didn't make him.
But then he called her on her grade obsession and predicted everything she would eventually do, and Joey thought, he is the one who knows me best.
Pacey mentioned a waitress job open at his restaurant. Joey was flattered that he thought of her, wondered if he wanted an excuse to see her every day, but was of no mind to take it for any number of reasons. She hated waitressing, and she was enjoying her first year not working since she was fourteen. She didn't trust herself to be that close to Pacey that often without breaking. And she suspected Pacey was involved in some way with one of his co-workers. If so, the last thing she wanted to do was confirm it.
Pacey wasn't like her. He'd abstained from sex for months, waiting for her, because he loved her. Joey was under no illusions about how he would behave now he was free. But if it was only an abstract knowledge, she didn't have to think about Pacey in bed with someone else, falling in love with someone else, or—worse yet—about another woman with a stick in her hand making a different choice and taking even the possibility of Pacey away from her forever.
So it was easy to turn down the job. It was harder to hear Audrey jump at it. But Joey shrugged it off and checked her grades, flirted with her professor and met Pacey and Audrey at a bar to celebrate.
That night, Joey was buzzed without a single drink. Because Pacey was definitely flirting with her. He touched her—okay, the high five was awkward, but afterward he caught her hand, brushed his thumb along her palm. He entered her personal space, so her body tingled with awareness of him; she felt high from a whiff of his aftershave. He even brought up their past, as though True Love was no longer taboo. When he practically dared her onto the stage, how could she refuse? And while she sang, Pacey cheered louder than anyone.
Afterwards, she fended off the advances of that asshole who'd cheated on Jen. By the time she escaped from backstage, Pacey and Audrey were nowhere to be seen. Body already coursing with adrenaline, panic had no problem seizing control.
"Excuse me." Joey grabbed one of the men she remembered ogling Audrey while she played pool. "Did you see where my friends went? A guy, tall, dark-haired, and a blond woman, curvy, shorter than me?"
"The one with the—" He made an obscene gesture. "They left together about five minutes ago. Lucky bastard." He leaned in close enough she gagged from the beer on his breath. "Say, if you need a ride..."
Joey pushed him away. "I'm fine, thanks." She threaded her way through the crowd and out into the cold Boston night air. Sure enough, Pacey's shiny new car was gone. Joey fell back against the brick wall, trying not to hyperventilate.
"Don't think about it," she told herself. "Just don't think about it."
"Hey, you need a lift?" It was that toad Charlie. He was on a motorcycle. Of course he had a motorcycle.
"Not from you," she hissed.
"Safely to your door and no funny business. Scout's honor."
Perhaps because he did the salute properly, or perhaps because he was her best option, Joey decided to trust him. She gave him her address and hopped on the back. She knew he was enjoying having her wrapped around him far too much, but at least with the wind in her face, she wasn't required to talk to him.
Charlie tried to wheedle an invitation to her dorm room when they arrived. Joey was half-tempted to give him one. If Pacey was there with Audrey, at least she'd get some of her own back. But Joey had never been the kind of girl who played games like that and wouldn't start now. She thanked Charlie for the ride and bid him good night.
It took every ounce of willpower she possessed to walk the familiar path to her room. If the scrunchie was on the knob, Joey knew she was going to be sick; even if it wasn't, it didn't prove anything. They could have gone to Pacey's. Joey had a vision of Audrey holding the stick with two lines on it. She leaned against a wall, dizzy.
No scrunchie on the door. Not proof. Light peeking out from under the door. Better. Screaming, god-awful noise masquerading as music pulsing from behind said door. Best. No way would Pacey allow that racket in his presence.
Joey closed her eyes and breathed. Everything was all right.
"Hey, bunny!" Audrey looked surprised as Joey walked into their room. She flipped her magazine shut and turned down her stereo several decibels. "What the hell are you doing back here? I thought for sure you'd hook up with the hottie in the band."
"You've got to be kidding me. Even if I were the type to hook up with a random guy, which I'm not and never will be, I would not pick one who has already slept with and cheated on one of my friends."
"Okay. Sorry. Chill. I just thought with you being 'other Joey' tonight—"
"There is no other Joey. There's just me, a fully rounded individual, who likes getting good grades and pushes myself to excel, but occasionally does rash, ill-considered things, especially when he's around." All her panic of the past hour was rapidly transforming to rage at the man who caused her unnecessary fear.
"Who, Pacey?"
"Yes, Pacey. I can't believe you two ditched me, by the way. Why'd you leave?"
"I told you, I thought you'd hooked up, so I told Pacey, and we left. I thought I was doing you a favor, you know, get the ex-boyfriend out of there before he meets the new fling."
"He believed you?"
"I can be very convincing." Audrey pouted lasciviously.
Joey's hands clenched and unclenched. Between Audrey's mentions of her crush on Professor Wilder and now this, Pacey was getting entirely the wrong idea. She fought a fleeting urge to strangle her roommate. "Next time, ask if I want to be ditched. Don't just leave me. I had to bum a ride on asshole Charlie's motorcycle."
Audrey squealed and bounced on her bed, clutching her hideous, fuzzy, pink pillow. "Ooh, you rode a motorcycle? Not as good as sex, but not half-bad, either. Your body wrapped around his, all that power under your thighs. Did you come?"
Joey wrinkled her nose. "Gross."
"You're never going to answer my orgasm questions, are you? I was half-tempted to ask Pacey tonight. I mean, if any guy's going to make you see stars, it's that one. Just look at his hands."
"I'm not discussing Pacey with you, Audrey, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't discuss me with him." I'd appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from my boyfriend, her inner voice raged, but she tamped it down. Pacey wasn't her boyfriend anymore.
"Sure, okay, no problem. I can see why you fell for him, though. I mean, you two were totally doomed from the start, but I bet it was fun while it lasted."
"Doomed? Why doomed?"
"Please, Little Miss Uptight and the quintessential slacker? That has a definite sell-by date, even if you didn't already have a soulmate in one Dawson Leery."
Joey frowned. Was Audrey right? Was there no possible way she and Pacey could have lasted? Pacey had thought that at the end, but Joey, in her land of what-ifs, saw many ways they could have worked it out. Most of them involving no lines on a stick. All of them containing no lies.
"Are you really not going to tell me anymore about him?"
"Why do you want to know?" Joey was growing suspicious of Audrey's interest in Pacey. She might have jumped ahead a bit in her assumptions tonight, but that didn't mean she was altogether wrong.
Audrey lay back on her bed, staring at the ceiling. "I don't know. He's just...interesting."
He's just mine, Joey thought, but did not say.
II.
Life settled into a pleasant routine, with school and study, friends and Pacey. She spent more nights on the boat than in her dorm room, much to Audrey's amusement. Pacey loved his job, Joey loved her classes, and the year was promising to be even better than the one before.
It was a cold day in late January when Pacey sought Joey out in her dorm. She was surprised to see him, because he knew she had a major paper due the next day. Thus, dorm room, instead of boat. Pacey was always distracting.
"Hey, Jo, sorry to interrupt, but I've got to talk to you."
Something about the look on his face and the way he couldn't stop moving, pacing the room like a caged cat, put her instantly on edge. She sank onto her bed, hands clasped in her lap. "Okay. So talk."
"I've been offered a chance to crew a ship in the Greek Isles. The dean's brother and his wife are taking a trip, and I was recommended to them."
Pacey waited a moment for Joey to respond. When she didn't, he added, "It wouldn't be as long as last time, only a month or two. So what do you think?"
Joey kept her expression carefully neutral. Her hands were clenched so tightly her nails bit into skin. "What do Taylor and son think?"
"That's the thing. They're all for it. The old man kept talking—you know the way he does—about how the only way to know the seas of the world is to sail them, and the only way to build a sound ship is to know the sea. They'll hold my job for me. The only question is—"
"Me." Joey studied his eager face. That light of wanderlust was there again. She sighed. "Same rules as before?"
"Absolutely. Jo, you're the best!" He leaned down and gave her a sloppy, prolonged kiss.
Yeah, I'm the best, Joey thought bitterly after Pacey left to accept the job and let her work on her paper. She agreed to his going because she had to, because if she didn't, he would resent her, and the next time he sailed away, it might be with no rules and no return date.
IV.
"He's leaving again," Jen announced as she barreled into Joey's room without knocking.
"Who, Jack?"
Jack had been bouncing back and forth between their home and the frat house all year. Jen had not taken it well.
"No. Pacey."
Joey was glad she was already sitting at her desk. Jen couldn't see the way her legs turned to jelly. She highlighted the next line in her anthropology text without reading what it said. "Where's he off to this time?"
"No! No, Joey, this time I mean it. He says he's leaving because he doesn't—and I quote here—'have a reason to stay.' Either you race over to the man this minute and give him his reason, or I'll start showing him the same courtesy I show you and never tell you another word about him."
What Jen threw out as a dire threat, Joey accepted with nothing but gratitude. If Pacey truly loved Joey, she would have been his reason to stay. Since he didn't and she wasn't, better he be gone entirely, even from conversation. It would help her forget faster.
"I wish him godspeed."
Pacey was gone the next day. Jen didn't speak to her for a month.
III.
Joey was walking home from Professor Wilder's latest gathering when she got Dawson's phone call. Picking out the relevant bits from his frantic ranting, Joey was left with this: Pacey and Audrey. Something between the two of them was throwing off the movie Dawson was trying to shoot.
Oh God, she thought, am I really going to have to face this?
But she went anyway. Because Dawson was her friend and asked it of her, and because she'd rather have the knife to the heart than the slow poison. Also, they were filming in Joey's dorm room; she didn't have many other places she could go.
She went, and the details were made clearer. They were supposed to be filming a love scene between Audrey and Charlie. Audrey kept insisting Charlie was being inappropriate—which he probably was—and Pacey, who was helping crew, was becoming confrontational with Dawson's lead actor. Finally, Audrey had retreated to the bathroom and refused to finish the scene.
Joey grabbed Pacey by the ear—harder than she needed to—and pulled him into the bathroom with her. Once there, Joey demanded the truth of both of them. With much shame-facedness, they confessed to having made out.
There. The blow was struck. No gentle suction tube to ease the pain. Just the heartsick ache of betrayal.
"Joey, say something. Curse at me, tell me I'm the world's worst roommate, suggest a threesome, I don't care, just something."
"I never knew before how Dawson must have felt on the porch that night."
Audrey looked confused, but Pacey flinched as if she'd struck him.
"Jo, I—"
"It's all right, Pacey." She waved away his defense. If she had to stand here and listen to it, she was going to throw up. Or cry. Or both. She would like to escape with a modicum of dignity intact. "I'm not Dawson. No threats, or ultimatums, or bitter accusations. I'm only going to say what I wish he'd said then: you two are my friends, and I want you to be happy, so don't feel guilty on my account."
Joey had her hand on the door, quite proud of her little speech and eager to get away before she collapsed, when she remembered the reason she'd been summoned in the first place. "Also, if you could shelve your hormones long enough to finish filming, Dawson would appreciate it."
Joey was out the door fast enough she only caught the, "Audrey, I'm—" of Pacey's response, but her cruel and fertile imagination provided a hundred endings to it as she walked aimlessly back down the hall.
Audrey, I'm head over heels in love with you.
Audrey, I'm willing to see you through this love scene, so long as I get the real thing later.
Audrey, I'm going to bend you over the sink and take you right now.
"Potter, wait up! Potter!" Pacey grabbed her arms and forcibly turned her to face him.
"What do you want, Pacey?" She was wretchedly aware of the streams of tears on her cheeks. She broke away from Pacey's hold and wiped them away.
"I want—I want to talk to you." He grabbed her hand and led her outside.
The bitter winter air was a relief, a reasonable excuse for the stinging in her eyes and on her face.
"I'm sorry, Jo," Pacey said as soon as the door shut behind them. "For Audrey. We were rehearsing, and it just happened. It will never happen again."
"You can't promise that. I've heard her talk about you, and I've seen you look at her. There are feelings there, Pacey."
"Maybe," Pacey admitted. "But not deep ones. I already told her it isn't going to happen. She'll curse me out for a few days, then find a new crush."
Joey frowned and shook her head. He was making another of his stupid, noble gestures. For her sake. "And you? Will you just get over it?"
"The only thing I won't get over is the look on your face when Audrey told you." He cupped her face in his hand, his warmth contrasted with the air's cold made her cheeks tingle. "I never wanted to hurt you like that. Honestly, I didn't dream that I could still hurt you."
She yanked away from his touch. The returned breeze was a slap in the face. "Right. Because you got on a boat last summer, and I suddenly caught the heart version of amnesia."
Pacey groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know what you expect of me, Jo. We broke up. Badly, and then less badly. You've been seeing other people, and so have I. I know I stepped over the line with your roommate. I just wanna know why it's upset you this much."
Something about the frustration in his face when he said that, and Joey was back at the side of a road a year and a half ago. Back when she was purposely dense, and he was incredibly brave.
She summoned up every ounce of courage she'd ever had, grabbed Pacey's face in both hands, and kissed him. Warmth suffused her from the first touch of his lips on hers. Realistically, it was body heat fighting the cold. But to Joey, it felt like her heart was seeping back into her chest. She'd thought it was gone all these months, thrown away like yesterday's trash, but Pacey had it all along, keeping it safe for her right alongside his.
Pacey kissed her back, hesitantly at first, then ferociously. A starving man brought before a king's banquet.
"I'm having the weirdest sense of deja vu." An amused voice interrupted the frantic kiss.
Joey would have stepped away, but Pacey kept his arms locked around her waist.
Jen Lindley grinned impishly at them from the doorway. "I want details later. Many details, and possibly a timeline as to how this happened. But for now, I need you two to clear the lovefest from the walkway, as we've finished the scene—finally—and will be moving out the equipment to shoot the finale."
Pacey let go of Joey in order to help Jen prop open the double doors, then went inside to help with transport.
"What?" Joey demanded in response to Jen's Cheshire cat smile.
"Nothing." Jen walked by Joey's side back to the erstwhile film set, sneaking glances up at her friend. "It's just...you look happy. And as Pacey told me when he found out about me and Dawson, we could all use a little more happiness."
Joey flushed. The first set of lights being carried out forced her and Jen to the side of the hallway and kept her from having to reply.
"God, wouldn't that be the weirdest thing?"
"What?" Joey asked.
"If you, me, Pacey and Dawson all managed to be happy at the exact same moment in time."
Despite herself, Joey laughed. "I'm pretty sure the universe would implode."
"Sign of the Apocalypse, for sure."
"You don't believe in the Apocalypse."
"If these relationships work out? I'll have to re-examine my stance on a lot of things I've spent my life not believing."
For Dawson's and Jen's sake, and because things with Pacey were unresolved, Joey stayed and watched the filming of the finale, even though the air felt about twenty below zero and the studied way Audrey was avoiding both Pacey and Joey made it obvious how unwelcome their presence was to her.
Joey felt bad that Audrey was hurting, but she hoped Pacey was right and it would pass quickly. Audrey's crush might be intense, but it was a recent development, whereas Joey was starting to believe her feelings for Pace would never fade.
Pacey—being the tallest of Dawson's slapdash crew—was in charge of the boom mic. While all his animosity towards Charlie was on the back burner now, he did get yelled at once or twice for letting the boom fall into frame. Those were the times he caught Joey staring at him and stared right back.
After the second time she got Pacey in trouble, Joey tried harder to focus on the end of Dawson's movie. There had been a last minute rewrite which had changed the ending from a tragedy to something more hopeful. Typical Dawson. Joey couldn't see much of a future for a relationship that had nearly ended in homicide, but she wasn't in the mood tonight to quarrel with a happy ending. Her congratulations to Dawson on the wrap were completely sincere.
Pacey sneaked up behind her while she was saying goodnight to Dawson and Jen. His hand resting on her lower back felt wonderfully familiar. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" he whispered in her ear.
Joey nodded, her insides tying themselves in knots. What if he wanted to let her down gently? What if he thought the kiss was a mistake? Either way, they were going to have to talk. Whether her heart was going to shatter again or their happiness was going to presage the end of the world, better to have it over with sooner than later.
Pacey took her hand—a most encouraging sign, even if her fingers were too numb from cold to feel it—and led her toward his car. Joey saw Audrey as they passed, making a big show of flirting with Charlie. She hoped her roommate wouldn't do something she'd regret, but Joey was the last person Audrey would want advice from right now. She passed by without a word.
Pacey unlocked and opened her door first. He gave her a hand so she could slide in without dragging her skirt in the snow. Everything about the moment felt right, a ritual for which they'd never quite lost the habit.
He went around to the driver's side and started the car, but didn't immediately start driving, as he waited for the windshield to defog. They both pulled off their gloves and held stiff fingers to the dashboard heaters.
"Any chance Dawson's next feature could take place someplace more hospitable, like, say, Brazil?"
Joey grinned. "An excellent notion, Mr. Witter. You should leave it in his suggestion box."
Pacey smiled back at her. His eyes drifted to her lips, before he forced his gaze straight ahead. "So where to? If you're hungry, I know a few decent places that are still open. Or I could fix you something at Civilization if you want. Up to you."
Joey heard the unspoken question in those options. Alone or a crowd? "Civilization sounds good," she said, fighting the nervous fluttering of her stomach. "Especially if you've got any chocolate cake laying around."
"Not at the moment, but I'll see what I've got to satisfy that sweet tooth of yours, Potter."
What Pacey had wasn't nearly as dirty as his promise sounded in the car. Pecan praline cheesecake, the evening's specialty dessert.
"I haven't convinced Danny to give me the recipe yet." Pacey handed Joey a fork, then took the bar stool next to hers and opened the box. "But I'm working on it."
There was a little less than a quarter pie left. Pacey ignored plates in favor of sharing the box with her, which suited Joey fine. She moaned when the first rich, nutty, sweet flavor crossed her tongue. When her eyes fluttered back open, Pacey was watching her with a decidedly hungry look.
He wet his lips with the tip of his tongue. She watched, fascinated in her turn. "Like it?"
"Uh-huh." Joey made herself look away from him and took another bite.
Pacey took one as well. "The man's an ass, but he sure can cook."
"Are you thinking that's what you'd like to do, too, Pace?"
"Not sure yet. For now, I enjoy it, it pays the bills—kind of—and it keeps me in Boston."
Joey remembered the gut-wrenching fear of a few weeks ago when Audrey announced Pacey was thinking about leaving on another boat. Even his decision to stay hadn't calmed her much. There were always more ships. "And this is where you want to be? Boston?"
"It's where you are, so yes."
Her eyes stumbled up into his. What she saw looking back at her knocked the air from her lungs. "But you never said! All these months, not a word, not a touch. Imagining you with other women, watching you flirt with my roommate. You should have said!"
"Said what? That as you were so happy now, the screw-up who nearly ruined your life last year wanted the chance to do it again?"
"Who said I was happy?"
"No one had to say it, Jo. I can see it every time I look at you. You're thriving here, at Worthington. It's where you were always meant to be, and I didn't come back to take that away from you, or to drag you back down to my level. But I decided weeks ago that to be near you, just to be in the periphery of your life, was enough for me. Then, tonight, you kissed me, and I don't know what to think anymore."
Joey shook her head. "Boy, have we had our signals crossed. When you left...Pace, it was like someone had ripped out half my insides. It hurt like hell, but I trained myself to function without them. You say I'm happy, but if that's true, it's intellectual stimulation, not emotional satisfaction. I only started feeling again when you came back. But I've been so confused. I thought you were over me, that you just wanted to be friends."
"So what exactly are you saying here, Jo? Do you want to try again?"
"Honestly? That thought terrifies me. Because everything could go wrong again. You could leave; I would have to pick up the pieces all over again. But the months of willing myself into not being in love with you has done zilch to make that a reality."
"I didn't even try for that impossibility. I just told myself a broken heart wasn't going to kill me and to focus on the other things in life."
"Like bedding other women?" Joey hated herself for asking the question, but if she didn't, it would hang over her head, poisoning their new chance.
"I'm not perfect, Jo, and I'm not a monk. I slept with other women, and I cared about them, too. But I know my heart, and it's never left you. As far as I can see, it's not going to anytime soon."
Joey's breath caught. She said those words to him a lifetime ago, aboard the True Love. She wasn't used to Pacey parroting her words back at her; she did it to him often, because Pacey was brilliant at expressing the way he felt. But to know that he had held onto something she'd said, that he'd written her words on his heart, meant the world to her.
She kissed him. She'd been wanting to since the moment Jen interrupted them and couldn't think of a single reason to delay any longer. Her mouth reclaimed the familiar territory of his lips, while her fingers lost themselves in the swirls of hair behind his ears. Her thumbs marked the beloved lines of his face.
Pacey allowed her explorations and made a few of his own. His hands traced a path along her jaw, down her throat, skimming her collarbone, before circling round to trail her shoulder blades and every notch of her spine. Her nerve endings shot to life everywhere his fingers brushed.
As Pacey's mouth left hers to investigate the thrum of the pulse in her neck, his hands slipped under her ass and pulled, sending Joey stumbling off the bar stool and into the open V of his legs. Her hands flew high on his thighs to catch herself at the same moment Pacey nibbled ever so gently at the juncture where jaw met throat.
Joey made a sound somewhere between a squeal and a laugh. "Very clever, Pace. When did you pick up that move?"
Pacey pulled away to grin roguishly at her. "Thought it up on the spot. You know I was never one for studying." He kissed the tip of her nose, pushing the heels of his feet against the back of her calves to coax her even further into the circle of his body.
Joey was aware of his arousal, hovering inches from her fingers. She felt her nipples tighten, and, with the scrape of Pacey's teeth and tongue against her sternum, she experienced the rush of wetness that meant her body was ready for this, even if her mind was divided.
But Joey had never let her hormones rule her head, and she didn't intend to start now. "Pacey, wait." She pushed gently against his shoulders, freeing her body from the tempting trap of his.
Pacey's hair was tousled, his lips kiss-swollen, pupils blown wide from want. But he stopped at a word from her. "Second thoughts, Jo?" He looked like a puppy bracing itself for an expected smack.
"No." She couldn't bear the expression on his face and kissed him thoroughly. "No. But earlier today, you were kissing my roommate, and I was flirting with my lit. professor. It seems wise to slow this down a bit. We don't need to rush, do we?"
"Of course not, it's just, when I'm around you..." He took her hand in his, brushing his rough thumb along the smooth skin of her wrist. He watched the movement as though in awe. "Since I've been back, I've barely let myself touch you, because every time I did, I didn't want to let go. To suddenly be allowed to feel you again...I got carried away. I'm sorry, Jo."
"You weren't the only one," Joey reminded him, kissing the top of his head. "But I'd like it if we could slow down a little."
"Not nine months slow, though, right, Potter?" Pacey grimaced. "I mean, I'd wait. I wouldn't like it, I'd rather not, but I would wait."
Joey laughed. "Not nine months, I promise. But...but you should probably get tested first." Her whole face was glowing red, she knew it. The thought had to be voiced, though; the specter of those six months apart, those faceless women in Pacey's bed. She could do nothing about the fear of another woman's pregnancy test, but she could protect herself from the consequences of Pacey's reckless behavior.
To her surprise, Pacey agreed without protest. "Good idea, Jo. I was always safe, but you can never be too careful. You should get tested, too."
"Me!? Why the hell do I need testing?"
"Seriously? After you let that walking STD into your bed?"
For one confused moment, Joey had no idea what Pacey was talking about. Then she figured it out and rolled her eyes. "Who, Charlie? I didn't sleep with Charlie. Or Professor Wilder. Or Dawson. Let me put it this way, Pacey: if you're clean, so am I."
Pacey looked hopeful but wary, as though the gift she had given him might yet contain an explosive device. "It's okay if you did, Jo. I won't judge—can't really without being a hypocritical asshole—and I'd rather you told me the truth."
His last words stopped her flat. Joey did have a truth she could tell Pacey and hope he'd find it as easy to forgive as sleeping with another man. Joey knew she could trust Pacey and his love for her; she even believed he would forgive her, in time. But she worried it would start another downward spiral for Pacey, one of shame and guilt and blame and a hundred other emotions he didn't deserve.
Joey had fought through them all herself, and it was only now that she was emerging out the other side. She wouldn't inflict the same pain on Pacey. She took a deep breath and, with the exhale, let it all go, all the secrets and lies, recriminations and regrets, the entire spotted past. They were starting over.
"No lie, Pace. There's never been anyone but you. No one else was worth the risk."
Joey and Pacey stayed up all night together, just talking—and touching and, okay, some light groping—catching up on all the pieces of their lives they'd missed over the past few months. She had an early morning philosophy class, and he had work, but they parted with kisses and a promise to call later.
Between a night with Pacey and a morning with Pascal's wager, Joey had forgotten about Audrey. Until she stepped into her dorm room and found the normally effervescent blonde looking wild and unkempt, with red-rimmed eyes and the reek of whiskey in the air.
"Audrey, I—"
"Save it, Joey. You know the part that kills me? One word, that's all it would have taken. A little word, too, like don't, maybe, or mine."
"I didn't—"
"My turn to talk now. You had your chance. Months of chances. All that time I spent, opening up to you, thinking you were opening up to me. Imagining that we were friends. But everything you ever said to me is a lie."
"That's not true."
"Really? So Dawson is your soulmate, then, and Pacey's just some guy you used to date, and you ruined my chances with him to prove you could." Audrey fumbled her way to her feet. There was something ugly about her pretty face, maybe it was the sneer that twisted her full lips. "So which is it, Joey? Are you a bald-faced liar or a selfish bitch? Because I don't see any other options here, do you?"
"I'm sorry, Audrey. I couldn't tell you about Pacey, because I couldn't talk to anyone about Pacey. It hurt too much. But I never meant for you to get hurt, never dreamed you'd be caught in the middle."
Audrey snorted, then sank to the floor by her bed, among a mess of twisted, discarded blankets. "I don't want you to think this is about him. I don't give a rat's ass about Pacey Witter. He's just some dickhead I made out with once. This is about you and me, and what it means to be friends."
Joey sat down next to her, leaning back against Audrey's bed. "I know. I screwed up, Audrey. I'm actually pretty prone to screwing up, whatever you might think. And I am sorry, because I do want to be your friend. I'm just not very good at it. Ask Jen, if you don't believe me."
"That is the worst apology I've ever heard from someone who doesn't have a penis." But Audrey laid her head down in Joey's lap and passed out.
Joey stroked her roommate's hair, as her own eyes started to close. Her last thought before losing consciousness was, we're going to be okay.
Joey's insistence on abstinence didn't last anywhere near nine months. It barely survived Pacey's clean bill of health. She knew full well that, between the sumptuous food Pacey kept feeding her, the light in his eyes when he looked at her, and the way her body sang when he touched her, the only reason it lasted as long as it did was the lack of a space of their own.
But it seemed cruel to bar Audrey from her dorm room. And as long as Pacey was bunking on Mrs. Ryan's sofa, there was no privacy to be found.
When Pacey inherited his old boss Danny's apartment, the first thing he did was invite Joey over for another home-cooked meal. The first thing Joey did when she arrived was push him down on the bed. Pacey teased her about their dinner spoiling from her impatience, she pointed out it had been a lot longer for her than for him, and he spent the next several hours making up for it.
So began a period of coital bliss, uninterrupted by any need to pee on a stick. Joey had never been happier. Despite Jen's fears—and her own—the world did not end.
II.
Joey spent Valentine's Day that year alone, drowning her sorrows in a pint of cookie dough ice cream. Until Audrey's night went bust, as well. Then they both drowned in a pint of schnapps.
But Pacey was back by Easter, tanned, relaxed, and as in love with her as ever.
Outwardly, things returned to their established patterns. Inwardly, Joey was putting up walls. Dawson was right. She was living on borrowed time. Pacey was going to leave again someday, probably soon, and he was going to keep leaving until the time he didn't come home.
Joey refused to shatter when that day came.
I.
The rest of the year flew by. Joey wanted to cherish every moment of Andersen's infancy, but every time she looked at him, he was bigger.
Despite her exhaustion, Joey managed all A's her first semester and was on track to do the same her second. When Anders was four months old, she got a job, waitressing at a local bar. She hated it, but the money was necessary as Pacey was forced to quit his job at Civilization.
Danny sold the restaurant to some corporate entity. The witch they brought in to manage the place started harassing Pacey, so he quit on the spot. Joey was proud of him for it, but it also saddened her. Pacey had loved working there. He was still working security and picked up odd jobs at the docks, but those were just ways to pay the bills. She encouraged him to look for another restaurant; he loved cooking, and he was good at it.
In the meantime, it was Joey's turn to contribute something to the family coffers.
Jack had fallen into some sort of tailspin over the frat thing, and Joey spent some of her precious free time helping to pull him out of the academic gutter. Apart from worry for Jack, Jen was almost ridiculously happy. She was thriving at school, enjoying her radio gig, getting along better than ever with Grams, and reveling in her self-assigned godmother duties.
Dawson surprised everyone by transferring to a Boston film school for the spring semester. But he surprised absolutely no one when he announced that he and Gretchen were dating again.
After waiting so long to get married, Bessie and Bodie had a quick engagement. Engaged at Thanksgiving, married at New Year's. Joey played bridesmaid for the second time, her dress this time a disturbing shade of yellowish-green which Pacey dubbed "puker." The ceremony was beautiful, despite Joey's misgivings, but three months of newlywed bliss was not long enough to change Joey's mind on marriage.
Joey came home from work, dead on her feet. Two morning finals, followed by eight hours at the bar. She was met by the delicious scents of tomato and basil the moment she opened the door. Pacey had been cooking again.
Even as the smells made her stomach rumble, she found herself missing him. Between him working nights at the marina and mornings at the dock, and her school and work shifts, she'd barely seen him this past week. Pacey had, on Bodie's recommendation, lined up a junior cook position that started next month. The pay was good enough that Joey hoped he'd be persuaded to give up one of his other jobs.
"Good evening, Josephine," Mrs. Ryan greeted her, putting down her book. "We saved a plate from dinner for you."
"Thanks, Mrs. Ryan. How's Anders?"
"His father took him upstairs to bed an hour ago."
"Pacey's home?"
"Yes, he has the night off."
"Night, Mrs. Ryan." Joey kicked off her shoes and took the steps two at a time.
"You really should eat first, dear," Grams called up after her.
Joey knew better than to barrel up the stairs and risk waking the baby. So she tiptoed up to their attic apartment and peeked over the railing. Her heart staged a complete revolution at the sight in front of her. Dirty piles of laundry and discarded burp-rags on the floor. A half-empty bottle of milk on the nightstand. And Pacey asleep in the rocking chair, Andersen equally unconscious against his shoulder, the book for which their son had been named fallen open on the floor in front of them.
Silently, Joey crossed the room and picked up the book, restoring it to its rightful place on her dresser. Then she gently separated son from father, cradling the sleeping baby as she carried him to his crib and settled him down.
Pacey stirred behind her. She turned and caught him rubbing his eyes. "Hey, Jo." He smiled sleepily at her. "Just get home?"
"Yeah, don't get up." She hurried back to him and down into his lap before he could stand. She kissed his forehead, the tip of his nose, his mouth. "Hey, Pace?"
"Hmm?"
"Marry me."
His blue eyes shot wide, all the sleep knocked out of them in a second. "What? What did I miss? Aren't you scared?"
"Terrified," Joey admitted, before kissing him again. "But I've been scared at all the best moments of my life with you. The first time you kissed me. The first time I kissed you. When I told you I loved you, and when we sailed away from Capeside. I was terrified the first time we made love, and when I decided to keep the baby, and the night Andersen was born. And right at this moment, I am so happy and so much in love with you that the only thing I can think to do is jump down into the foxhole and hope we survive it."
"Jo—"
Tenderly, she kissed him once more then whispered in his ear, "Marry me, sweetheart."
When Pacey kissed her, she didn't know if the tears on her cheek were hers or his.