June 2377

Chapter 19

B'Elanna drew her knees up, wrapping herself tighter in her blanket. The only sounds in Tom's quarters were the hum of the warp core and her heart thumping in her chest. B'Elanna stared at the letter in her hands, trying to build up the courage to open it. Her uncle had probably read it first - he wouldn't send her an angry tirade.

Toby looked at her from where she'd stuffed him next to her leg, and she reached for him. "What if she was still mad?" she asked the targ. "She hadn't forgiven me when I saw her on the Barge." The targ offered no insight into the matter.

B'Elanna took a breath. She could take it. Nothing her mother could say in this letter could be as bad as that last argument.

Holding Toby against her chest, B'Elanna opened the file.

Lanna,

Today a Starfleet admiral contacted me. The last time someone from Starfleet spoke to me, it was to tell me my daughter was dead - and today I found out you are alive. It is like a weight has been lifted from my heart that I was not aware was there.

The man who contacted me was Owen Paris. Since you and his son are mates, he wanted to personally pass on what your ship's doctor had said about you. He told me that you are the Chief Engineer, that you have saved your ship countless times, and are a respected member of the crew. It pleases me that you have found your place in the universe.

My daughter, I am not proud of how we left things. The day after that fight, I went to Dar'Rok's, thinking you would have gone there. I tried messaging you, but I got the response that you were no longer on Qo'noS.

I did not know what to do. I contacted your Uncle Carl, asking him to call me if you arrived at his house. It was only when Starfleet first told me you were missing, that I learned what had happened to you after you left. I do not fully understand how you got involved with the fight against the Cardassians, but it is noble to fight for a people weaker than yourself. So, I accepted it.

I suspected you were dead long before Starfleet declared it. After it was official, Carl contacted me, saying they wished to hold a funeral for you. We had already carved your name in the family shrine, but I wished to honor your human spirit, as well.

Your father was at the gathering. Evidently, he was the one that wanted the funeral but was afraid to contact me. His fear was well founded - I wanted to cut him down when I first saw him. But we talked and he apologized for what had happened and tried to explain. He suffers from severe depression, he learned recently, and went through a particularly bad episode when you were around five, after his father died. I do not understand all the details, and I cannot forgive what he did to us, but he told me it is a brain illness that convinced him we were better off without him. When he told me the symptoms, and that it can be hereditary, it made me think of you. I do not know if you have this illness, but some of your behaviors when you were with me on Qo'noS were similar to how your father acted before he left. Therefore, I wanted to inform you of what he told me, so you would know this enemy and be able to fight it.

I've written a lot of words while avoiding what actually needs to be said. I am sorry about that fight we had. I should never have told you to leave the house. I was upset about my father and - I will not mince words - you hurt me. You hurt me very much by saying I did not love him. And I lashed out at you. I have regretted my actions that day for a very long time.

My child, know that I always loved you. Even in that moment, when I was angrier at you than I had ever been before, I still loved you. And I am proud of the woman you have become. I look forward to hearing about your life and I hope you will be home soon so we may speak in person.

Mom

Tears clouded her vision as she read the last lines. Her mom was sorry about that fight? It was so unlike the woman she remembered - or the woman she'd seen on the Barge of the Dead – that B'Elanna could hardly believe the letter was true. Had she misjudged her mother that badly? Or had time changed her?

Time had certainly changed B'Elanna.

She skimmed back over the paragraph about her father. So that's where she'd gotten this lovely character trait. B'Elanna sighed, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as she wondered if she had been depressed those six months on Qo'noS. It wasn't like what she experienced after the Maquis died… but maybe? And what if she'd gotten this letter back then? Could she have avoided the whole depressive episode?

This letter… B'Elanna took a breath. There wasn't a word about what was happening in Miral's life. Maybe she'd thought there would be time for that later - that there would be more letters.

B'Elanna could feel the tears threatening again. There's no use crying over this, she told herself. She wouldn't want me to cry. Biting her lip, B'Elanna wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her red pajamas and set the computer terminal back on the table. She then curled up on the couch, drawing the blanket up to her shoulder and holding Toby tight to her chest.

She grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.

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