Hey everyone! This chapter is really long, I warn you! I hope you enjoy! I'm sorry it takes so long to update. I am working on so many things at one time, I'm crazy. Please review, comment, etc. I really want to know what everyone thinks about what is going on! Things are gonna start getting more and more shocking and exciting! Woot! XD
I went down to the beach to walk around. I was bored with everybody's thoughts, so I had to get away for a while. I was somewhat frustrated how everyone thought everything was so damn fine and dandy. My fucking hair and eyes are different colors, I feel stronger and different, and, hell, I know I'm stronger.
I, personally, don't think things are fine. I'm freaking out. If they were me they would! It just pisses me off, them and their positive attitudes. If the realized how much it bothered me, maybe, they wouldn't do it. I'm too afraid to ask, though, because I know they'd probably give me crap about it.
No matter how many people are around me right now, I'm alone. I don't care what James or anyone says, I'm alone. No one is going through this but me, only me, and me alone. I just wish I knew why this is happening to me. There's just this huge weight on my, and I feel like it's going to crush me. If I was still human, I'd be contemplating suicide.
I didn't know what to do, so I just walked. I walked and walked, but nothing changed. No answers came into my mind. Only thing I found was Embry sitting on one of the dead driftwood trees on the beach.
Oh shit! Embry! I tried to run away, but he noticed me.
"Michelle?" he said.
"Damn!" I thought.
"Was it all a setup?" he questioned. "Was it all a lie?"
"Damn it!" I thought.
"The I love you's? The kiss?" he questioned.
I exhaled, "I meant what I said."
"You said a lot," he replied.
"Yes Embry, yes, I still love you," I answered.
"Why did you do that then? Quil let it out. Pack mind, you can't avoid it," he replied.
"Oh great!" I thought.
"What would you have done if I said yes? Would James have busted in and killed me? Would you have laughed in my face and told me 'In your dreams'? Well?!" he questioned.
"Damn it!" I growled in my mind.
"Answer me!" Embry yelled.
I gritted my teeth.
"Why did you look like that when I kissed you? Why did you kiss me back?!" he yelled.
"Because I still have feelings for you!" I yelled out.
"Then, why did you do it?!" he yelled.
"Because, I don't want to love you!" I cried. "I love James! I'm not supposed to love you too!" "Maybe I'll just kill myself! That would make you happy!" he yelled through the tears.
"No! I need you!" I cried out.
"You don't even want me!" he cried.
"I do! I'm confused! I'm not supposed to love two people, but I do! I can't stop it! I want you, but I don't. I know it's wrong, but I still think of us and the nights we've had! I miss that, and I hate it! I have mixed emotions Embry! I love you but I hate you! That's how we are! We fight, we make up, we fight some more! I like it that way!" I cried.
"You are making no sense!" he laughed a bit.
"Exactly! Nothing makes sense with us! Love doesn't make sense!" I cried.
"I want to be there for you," he whispered.
"I need you to be here," I whispered back. "Sometimes I need my space, though."
"If you need your space just tell me. It's just so hard to walk away; so hard to leave you. You can kick dirt in my face, or even spit in it, I still want you and love you. It's so damn confusing, so damn frustrating, but I love you!"
I know! It's confusing and frustrating, but I love you and James. I will marry him, Embry, and I won't regret it! After time, maybe, I'll forget about you. You are part of the human memories, and they do fade. James and I have an eternity together. You can still die if you quit phasing. But, you'll stay here. James, I, and the rest of the family will have to move soon, but will you still be here? Will you continue being a wolf just to see me again?"
"Yes, I would! I don't care if the others don't. I will. The very thought of you would keep me going."
"That's a miserable life," I said.
"Not to me," he replied.
"Embry, why would you want a life like that?" I questioned.
"It's the only option I have," he replied.
"No, it's not! You could move on, find someone, grow old and die!" I shrieked.
"That's not the option I want," he said calmly.
"Embry Call!" I yelled.
"Michelle Cullen!" he yelled back.
"You're pissin' me off!" I growled
"You can't tell me how I'm gonna live my life!" he replied.
"Actually, I can, and you couldn't do a thing about it!" I smiled.
"You wouldn't!" he growled.
"Oh, I would," I replied.
"That's wrong! Why would you do something like that?" he yelled.
"Because! I don't want you spending an eternity alone!" I yelled back.
"I won't be alone!' he cried.
"Yes you will! Who the hell do you think will stay here?!" I screamed.
"Jacob will!" he replied.
"Jacob will go with Renesme! Do you actually think Bella and Edward would let her stay here?!" I yelled.
"I won't stay here then! I'll follow you!" he said.
"Oh my God, Embry! I'm not having this conversation with you anymore!" I exhaled.
"Why?! You don't want me to stay with you?" he yelled.
"Embry please! Not right now!" I begged.
"Why?" he pressed.
"I hate discussing the future right now!" I gave in.
"Why?" he demanded.
"Embry!" I growled.
"Okay, fine!" he surrendered.
"I need a drink dammit! And I don't even think vampires can get drunk!"
"Yeah…I've got nothing," he replied.
"What? No witty comeback?' I said sarcastically.
"Nope!" he smiled.
"Damn! I was hoping I'd get to yell at you again!" I said, again, with sarcasm.
"I'll probably give you a reason soon!" he followed along.
"Probably," I replied with a smile.
"Fuck trees I climb buoys mother fucker!" I rapped. Embry gave me a "wtf" look.
"Song, can't get outta my head. 'I'm on a Boat,' great song." I replied.
"Okay…" he trailed off.
"Believe me when I say, I fucked a mermaid!" I sang.
"Wow!" he shook his head.
"That's one of T-Pain's parts!" I smiled.
"That's great!" he replied.
"I know! Right?!" I smiled.
"God! I miss being with you all the time," he said, taking it to a serious note.
"I know," I exhaled, "I think it's best we aren't together all the time…I'd probably kill you."
"Oh yeah, probably would," he replied.
"Then, I'd probably kill a whole lot of people after that, pack members, it would be too messy," I said.
"Yeah, too much work for you," he agreed.
"Yeah, I just don't need to go through all of that for one person!" I said.
"Yeah, I guess you'll just have to deal with me," he smiled.
"Okay, I'll kill you!" I said and played like I was gonna bite him.
"Oh, come on! We'll have so much fun!" he said cheerily.
"No, I think I'll kill you!" I said about to bite him.
"Oh, this is the hottest death ever!" he laughed.
"You wish!" I laughed and pushed him away.
"Damn it!"
"I'll get James or Emmett to do it!" I smiled.
"Mother fucker!"
We laughed.
"You're never fair!" he pouted.
"I know!" I smiled.
"Michelle!" I heard Alice call from a distance.
"That's my queue!" I smiled.
"Bye," Embry frowned.
I kissed him on the cheek, "Bye."
"I love you," he whispered in my ear.
"I love you too," I whispered back, the kissed him passionately.
With my kiss, I left and ran towards home. Alice was standing in the door waiting for me.
"You rang?" I smiled.
"We were starting to worry that you went on a wolf killing spree!" she laughed.
"Eh, not today, maybe later," I smiled.
"What were you doing?" she asked.
"Just walking around, just as I said I was doing," I replied.
"Oh, I would have expected you to get bored or something" she smiled, "since you are so impatient."
"I had a lot to think about," I replied.
"Oh, you wanna talk about it" she looked concerned.
"Nah, I'm good," I replied.
"Okay sis," she smiled and hugged me.
"Alice?" I questioned.
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Have you seen anything involving me lately?" I asked.
"Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that," she said.
"What?" I questioned.
"Earlier today, you kinda disappeared, maybe about when you changed," she replied.
"Rules," I whispered.
"What do you mean?" she questioned.
"Something's preventing you from seeing anything," I whispred.
"What?!" she said loudly.
"Shh! Alice, I think something big is happening soon. Something real big," I said quietly.
"Like what?" she demanded.
"Something that's life changing," I said, then cringed in pain.
"Oh my God! Are you okay?!" she panicked.
"I've said too much!" I choked out.
"Are you okay?" she almost cried.
"This is what I mean when I said 'rules'," I gasped for air.
"It hurts you?!" she shrieked.
I nodded.
"And you've had to deal with this your whole life?!" she asked, stunned.
"Yes," I replied.
"Oh my gosh! You poor thing!" she cried and took me into her arms.
"I'm sorta used to it," I said blankly.
'How can you be okay with his?!" she was shocked.
"Okay with what?" Jasper asked from behind us.
"The rules thing. If she tries to tell, it hurts her!" Alice shrieked.
"What?!" he yelled.
"One of the reasons I get upset when my feelings hurt you. I kinda know how it feels," I said.
"Michelle, you've got to tell Carlisle," Jasper replied.
"What can he do?" I asked, "Nothing! There's nothing he, nor I, nor anyone else can do. It's always been this way."
"You should've seen her face Jasper. It was horrible!" Alice said.
"Alice it's fine, really," I reassured her.
"Do you want me to strangle you?!" she eyed me.
"Alice!" I shrieked.
"Don't give me that tone missy!" she scolded.
"Don't make me hurt you shortie!" I growled.
"This is not okay!" she shrieked.
"Why does everyone insist on disagreeing with me?!" I yelled.
"We aren't!" she yelled back.
"Oh my god! Ya'll are! This whole change thing ya'll think is fine, I don't! Now, you think the rules aren't fine and I do! That is so disagreeing!" I said.
Alice was quiet.
"Okay, no more," Jasper said.
"Does James know about this?" she questioned.
"Alice! Enough!" Jasper pressed.
"Uggh! I'm so damn stressed!" I groaned.
"Yeah, I know," Jasper replied.
"Sorry," I winced.
"No," he said.
"Jasper!" I eyed him.
"Okay!" he surrendered.
"Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go to my room and think," I said and walked away.
I walked past James, Emmett and Rosalie and went upstairs. I walked into my room, closed the door, and sealed it shut. I went over to my bed and plopped down. I was almost gasping for air, the pressure was beating down on me.
Alice can't see me in her visions anymore. What the hell is going on?! I want to know what's happening to me! I, obviously, can't give any hints to what I've seen! This shit must be major! It, obviously, involves the Volturi but what is it? What could be so big? And why is all of this happening all of a sudden?
I just want to talk to somebody, but I can't. James will be just like everybody else, but what about Embry? I can't hint, but I can, at least, tell him how frustrated I am. Maybe, he will tell me everything's all right and kiss me and make it better..Nah! That would piss me off, but he could kiss me and make it better. Eh, I don't know! This is frustrating!
Being torn between two people can be very frustrating. Though, I, ultimately, know who I want, Embry still distracts me. I love them both, but the love I feel for James is so strong. The love I feel for Embry is strong, but not as strong. The feelings are so close to equal, but not quite there.
Damn! My life is complicated! I could make a series of movies about my life! Harry Potter ain't got nothing on me! I could make Harry Potter go die! No one could handle this. Hell, I don't see how I can handle this. Evidentially, I'm one tough bitch!
I wonder if Embry ever left the beach…nope! I think I'll go back down there and talk to him some more. All I have to do is sneak out the window; not hard at all. Hmm…I think I stunned him! Ha, ha!
"Hey you," I said as I walked up to him
"You're back!" he smiled.
"Everyone was driving me crazy," I said, "telling me what is and isn't okay."
"Oh, that's not fun," he frowned.
"Yeah, I locked myself in my room, but then I snuck out," I replied.
"Cause you wanna see me!" he smiled.
"That's about right," I smiled.
"Missed you," he smiled and kissed my forehead.
"I know," I smiled.
"What? You didn't miss me?" he frowned.
"A 'wil bit," I smiled.
"Just a 'wil?" he smiled.
"Yup!" I smiled and kissed him.
"So, what the short one want?" he asked.
"Oh, she was just making sure I didn't go on a wolf killing spree!" I smiled.
"Oh, that's what she asked you, for real?" he replied.
"Yep! Then, she freaked out on me when she found something out," I answered.
"What did she find out?" he asked.
"Long story," I replied.
"Okay," he said, dropping the subject of what it was. He knew not to over-step the boundaries.
"I'm already frustrated because everyone is telling me this turning thing is okay, and I don't think so. Now, the thinks this thing I think is okay isn't okay. It's pissing me off!" I said in frustration.
"I'm sorry," he frowned.
I exhaled, "I'm so messed up right now."
"I know,' he said soothingly, "but things will get better in time."
"I'm glad you're so optimistic," I replied.
"Baby, don't be so negative," he kissed me, "no use in stressing yourself out."
"If only you knew how complicated it was…" I said.
"Well, I don't, I can only imagine and that probably doesn't even do it justice," he replied.
"It's hell beyond imagination, and I hate it."
"I know, it sucks," he frowned.
"Very much so," I replied
'Oh, by the way, you look amazing," he smiled.
"Thank you!" I smiled.
"You're welcome," he kissed me.
All of a sudden that guilt from before came rushing back. Even though James is back, I feel like shit! I feel like I'm cheating. Well, I kinda am. Now, I feel the tears rushing down my cheeks.
"I've got to go!" I choked out.
"Okay," he said in concern.
"Don't expect to see me around anytime soon," I said to him in thought.
With those last words I ran; I ran as fast as I could. Vampire speed really did come in handy. While I ran, I cried, but I didn't let it slow me down. I really have multi-tasking down to a "t".
I felt so wrong, so guilty. Even if James forgives me, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. What on Earth is wrong with me?! How could I ever cheat on James with Embry? James is a million times the man Embry will ever be! James gives me everything I want, everything I need. Why would I want anyone else? Better yet, how could I want anyone else?
Maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe I don't love Embry. Maybe I'm just trying to make him not hurt. Yeah, maybe I don't love Embry at all. Well, maybe I love him, I'm just lot in love with him. That would explain it…I guess. I'm, unconsciously, trying to keep anyone from getting hurt. Yeah, that's it.
After I jumped back in the window, I opened the door and left the room. I found James, looking worried, sitting right outside my door. He looked up with concern when he heard me come out.
"James, I'm so sorry!" I cried.
"What? What are you talking about?" he questioned.
"I…I kissed Embry," I cried, "I don't even know why I did it!"
"Baby, it's okay," he reassured me.
'But I hate myself for doing it!" I cried.
"Oh, honey, don't do that! It's okay! You're vulnerable right now, you can't be accounted for your actions," he said soothingly.
"You're too good to me!" I bawled.
"Oh honey," he took me into his arms and rubbed my back, "you are just overreacting right now. I love you."
"I love you too," I cried.
"Stop crying," he whispered.
With this words, I stopped.
"That's better," he smiled.
"What would I do without you?" I smiled.
"Oh, probably murder some wolves, drive Emmett crazy, you know, the usual," he laughed.
"Be serious!" I said and slapped his arm.
"I love you," he smiled.
"I love you too," I kissed him.
"I can't wait to make you my wife," he smiled.
"I can't wait to be your wife," I grinned.
"Let's go get married now," he smiled and held my hands in his.
"Now?" I questioned.
"Yeah," he smiled.
"But I want a wedding with the family, and I want my dress. I have it all planned out in my head. I want it to be perfect," I replied.
"Well, if it's what you want, you'll get it. I want my baby to have everything she wants," he smiled and pulled me in closer.
"You know what I want right now?" I smiled.
He smiled greatly, "What?"
I whispered into his ear, "You."
He grinned, "You've had me since the first time I laid eyes on you. I'm all yours."
"I think I'll take advantage of that," I whispered seductively.
"I love being taken advantage of," he purred.
I pulled him into the bedroom and pushed him down onto the bed.
"I really love being taken advantage of," he smiled.
All of a sudden I felt a darkness rush over me. The Volturi, the guard, and a crowd of vampires stood before me. They were talking but it was like I was under water or something, I couldn't understand anything. They all, suddenly, dropped down to their knees and bowed.
I heard familiar voices all around me: Carlisle, Emmett, James, Edward; I couldn't make out anything they were saying. Everything went black again, and I felt like I was drowning. I gasped for air. The present world, suddenly, came into view. James had his hands on my arms, calling my name.
"Michelle!" he yelled.
"James," I gasped.
"Your eyes, the blacked out. You were just sitting there, it was like you were dead or something," he said breathlessly.
"I saw something," I choked out, "I felt like I was drowning."
"You can't tell me, can you?" he asked.
I answered, "No."
"This is getting worse," he said.
"Yeah, I know…I'm no longer in the mood," I replied.
"Me neither," he added, "but we can still cuddle."
I smiled, "I like that idea."
He laid down and pulled me into his arms.
"It's amazing how things have changed over the years," he said.
"A lot has changed since you were gone, and now that you're back too," I added.
"You've changed," he said, "you've matured. You've really learned a lot of things in such a short time. You've been through so much hell, but it looks like you turned out okay."
"I'd like to think so," I smiled.
"You've grown up to be a very beautiful, mature woman...slash vampire…slash wolf and whatever else you are," he broke out in laughter.
"Wow! I'm so complicated!" I laughed.
"You're special!" he smiled.
"The one and only," I smiled back.
"The best way to have it," he laughed.
"You won't get me confused with anyone else!" I laughed.
"Always a good thing," he agreed.
"James," I said.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"I'm so jealous of Bella and Edward," I frowned.
"Oh, no," he gasped.
"It's not fair," I said as a single tear fell down my cheek.
"Baby," he whispered, "you didn't know."
"But James, we were going to," I whispered.
"What?" he choked.
"I lost it," I cried.
"What?" he cried.
"Jason," I cried, "I didn't know."
"How?" he cried.
"We were fighting, he pushed me off the stairs. I only fell down like five, but it was enough," I cried.
"That bastard!" he growled.
"Nothing you can do now, he's dead," I whispered.
"I'd bring him back and kill him again!" he growled.
"I'm so different, I don't see why I can't, even now," I said.
"You brought me back," he added.
"I don't know James, this is different," I said.
"You brought back a life that was already gone," he replied.
"But this, this is creating a whole new life," I said.
"Not much of a difference," he said.
"A big difference! You already existed!" I corrected.
"So, you had something in you that existed," he smiled.
"Oh my god! James ! I didn't realize it until recently! The baby was never taken out! I didn't know I was pregnant until I realized it recently!" I shouted.
He smiled, "You think?"
"I don't know," I said breathlessly.
"Wait," he said, "are we sure it's mine?"
"Oh. My. God. James! Of course it's yours!" I gawked.
"Okay," he smiled.
"Idiot," I shook my head.
"I love you!" he smiled.
"I love you too," I replied.
"So, how'd you do it?" he asked, sitting up.
"A mixture of fire, truth serum, real memory maker, and tears," I replied.
"Oh, well you can't set yourself on fire," he said.
"No! Really?!" I said sarcastically.
"What could you do…?" he thought aloud.
"James!" I gasped with sudden realization.
"What?!" he asked.
"I know ho to do it!" I almost shouted.
"How?!" he questioned.
"It's gonna be complicated, and probably very painful for me," I replied.
"How?!" he shouted. Wow! He really wants to be a father.
""We have to wait, I can't tell you right now," I replied.
"How long?" he questioned.
"I'm not sure, something has to happen first," I said.
"Rules," he answered for me.
"Damn rules!" I said, reading his mind.
"Damn rules!" he said anyways.
"I just want to be safe," I added.
"Okay, well, when you say that…I want you to be safe," he replied.
"Don't get your hopes up, though. I might not work," I said.
"Okay," he replied, "I'll try not to."
"You can't try, James, you can't!" I cried.
"Baby, calm down!" he said soothingly, but with passion.
"James, you have to promis me you won't get your hopes up to see them get shattered," I begged.
"Michelle, I promise," he whispered.
"James, I'm scared," I whispered.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because, I don't know what's coming," I cried.
"It must look bad if you are scared," he worried.
"Yes," I whispered, "but I don't know…and that's what scares me so much."
"Should I be afraid?" he whispered.
"I don't know," I said, my voice shook.
"What's happening Michelle?" he asked
"I don't know," I whispered.
"And what you know, you can't tell me," he shook his head.
"And I can't even make out what I know!" I added.
"I wish you could tell me what you've seen, without it hurting you. It's not fair!" James spoke up.
"I do too, if you only knew how alone I felt. I could have millions of people around me, but I'd still feel alone. I live a lonely life because only I know how I feel. It's horrible," I confessed.
"You don't need to feel that way; I don't want you to feel that way," he said.
"I'm always gonna feel this way; unless, we do have a child and he or she is like me. Maybe, just maybe, then I wouldn't feel alone," I replied.
"Well, let's hope things work out to our advantage," he said.
"That's unlikely," I replied.
"Why are you so negative?" he questioned.
"Because of the fact that I'm a factor in all of this!" I answered.
"That's not a bad thing," he said.
"Ha! Yeah, you keep telling yourself that," I said.
"Baby, what is wrong with you?!" he demanded.
"Why do you even have to ask me that question?" I cried.
"Something bad is going to happen, isn't it?" he asked.
"I don't know!" I cried.
"God! Whatever forces are preventing her from showing me, please let her show me! Please!" he begged.
"James, it's no use, begging doesn't work," I said.
"You never know," he replied.
"No James, no," I said.
"I'm still gonna try," he said.
"Whatever," I said and dropped it.
James just sat there and begged silently. I just rolled my eyes and brushed it off. I wasn't going to argue with his stubborn ass anymore I didn't need this shit right now. I am just so fucking frustrated and confused! I don't know what these damn visions mean! why the fuck do I have these damn things if I can't even know what they mean?!
I just need to know what is going on! I just cannot keep going on like this! I'm thinking about hitting my head against a brick wall a few times. Though, I'd probably break the wall, but whatever. Maybe it'll give me some ideas.