Guys, can I drop out of college? My anxiety is starting to come back and class is just turning into one panic attack after another. I'm sorry that my updates are so short and widely sporadic, I'm a science major taking way too many credit hours to get my scholarships. In a perfect world, I would spend all my time writing and crying under my comforter with a cat.

Enjoy your suffering.

Fandom: Kyo Kara Maoh

Pairing: Conyuu, WolfYuu

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

Warnings: PTSD, Psychological projection, domestic violence?, angst

Mental

Ch 7: Monster

Time passed slowly, and all too quickly at once. It was an odd feeling. Yuuri was restless locked away in his chambers, late at night, when he'd awake from another jarring nightmare. The cold hands clasping around his throat, the constricting slickness around his chest and legs, the shooting pain up his spine as he felt the claws dragging against his bared flesh. It was a nightmare all too familiar, yet foreign to the young boy. Memories mixed with fears mixed with which was real and which was fake? Did they really do that? What happened again? So he'd walk through the flowerbeds in the courtyard to calm his fears. Wolfram, who was always sitting next to his bed, would either still be asleep or given a direct order to stay and not follow. He would frown at the command, but listen regardless. Yuuri's tone had changed to one that said it would be a bad idea to disregard the order. Harsh. Cold. Wolfram had never heard him speak like that before. It was unnerving.

Occasionally, Yuuri would find Conrad in the room, as well, or standing outside the door, or walking down the hall as if to pretend he was doing normal rounds when in fact, he had been watching his little brother and the king. Whenever he caught sight of the older man, he would tell him to walk with him, to which Conrad obliged. The knight had noted that it was never a question, "Will you walk with me?" but always a simple, commanding statement. Walk with me. No room for doubt. No room for denial. It was a gentle command, and a tone Conrad had never heard from Yuuri's lips. Blunt. Cold. Even if Conrad wanted to say no, which he didn't of course, he felt as if something bad would happen if he disregarded the order. Yuuri was by no means threatening him, but his military instincts told him otherwise. It was unnerving.

But he would silently walk by his side as Yuuri led them around the gravel path. He would stop by a different flower bed each night and crouch down, just watching the petals, or a caterpillar crawling up the stem. He wouldn't say a word to Conrad. They just spent their night-time walks together in a comforting silence for Yuuri, or an awkward one for Conrad. When Yuuri grew tired of the flowers, they'd walk over to the fountain gently sputtering water, and sit on the edge together. Silent. Separate. Comforting.

Conrad would watch the young king's slow movements. His slow breaths. His empty eyes. His hand gently dipping into the water and the utter disappointment on his face when he wasn't immediately enveloped in maryoku. He'd sit in silence, with his hand in the water, while Conrad watched. They would sit like this for hours, until Yuuri's hand was pruning. They would sit like this until Conrad gently stood up and held out his hand for the young king, who would watch for a while before reluctantly taking the offer. Conrad would slowly lead him back to his bedchambers, holding gently onto his small hand, the entire way back, not knowing what to say to him. Yuuri couldn't go back home again, and each night, the disappointment grew.

Still holding onto his calloused hand, Yuuri gently pushed open the bedroom door, and pulled Conrad in with him. This was new. Usually they'd part outside the closed door with a gentle hand squeeze and silent pleads for more, more that neither one of them would act on. Conrad wondered, hoped, that he was taking the initiate for more, but nevertheless, cast away such thoughts. He was his king. He can't be thinking these thoughts about him. Wolfram was still sitting in the same chair next to the bed before standing to confront his elder half-brother.

"Lord Weller! Pray tell what you think you're doing laying your hands on my fiancé!" He spat, hot and angry. Even the name of the half-breed tasted rotten on his tongue, especially after he let those bastards do whatever they pleased to their king. His job was to protect Yuuri, and he failed. Wolfram knows he would have done a better job if he was there. He could have stopped them. He could have saved Yuuri.

"Wolf, it's fine," Yuuri listlessly said as he led Conrad into the room, still holding tightly to his larger hand.

"Yuuri! You're only encouraging him, you damn chea-" Wolfram stopped before he finished the word, but Yuuri clearly understood what he was going to say.

"Please, by all means, finish your sentence. Tell me exactly what I am, Wolfram," his voice was sharp and cold, like icicles prickling at his skin.

"Yuuri, I didn't-"

"Just know you're wrong."

"Huh?" Wolfram just blinked as Yuuri sat down on the soft bed, still holding onto Conrad's hand.

"I can't cheat on you because I would have to actually love you to do that," Yuuri said flatly as he stared past Wolfram's blond locks. He gaped his mouth open, and even Conrad's mask broke for a second with his shock.

"B-But! We're engaged!"

"On accident. We've only stayed 'together' because of your pride," he motioned his fingers as quotations around pride, just to show how much of a joke this engagement ordeal really was. "I don't love you, Wolf, and we're not even really together, so all those cheating accusations you always do are just annoying. Stop." He ran his hand through his messy hair and sighed. He didn't want to hurt Wolfram, he really didn't, but he also was just too tired, too on edge, to be able to deal with his extravagance right now. He wanted to be left alone with Conrad. He wanted to lay in bed and listen to his heart beating quietly, comforting. He wanted to get some damn sleep for once this week, but Wolfram has been guarding him like a piece of meat and Yuuri just could not deal with him anymore.

"You can't mean that!" Wolfram shot up, angry and desperate. Not together? What was Yuuri thinking? Wolfram loved him. He loved him. And he was not going to let Yuuri end it just like that, he wasn't in his right mind right now. The trauma of his capture was getting to him. He wasn't thinking straight. "You're just having second thoughts because of those human bastards! Just because they did that to you doesn't mean I love you any le-"

"Wolf," Yuuri's voice was tired. Strained.

"Is it because of those humans? Is it because I call you a wimp? Is it beca-"

"Wolf, please."

"Is it-Is it…" Wolfram was panicked, his voice rising in pitch, desperately searching for the reason Yuuri stopped loving him. And then he saw exactly why. "It's you," he spat as he pointed a finger and angry eyes in Lord Weller's direction.

"Wolf, n-" Yuuri stared before being interrupted.

"You did this you filthy mutt! You let him be attacked! You stole him away from me! Did you plan this? Did you knowingly let him get taken so you could be his savior? Did you lock him away in that cabin so he had to depend on you?! What kind of sick bastard are you using him like that?!" His words were sharp and vicious, but Conrad made no attempt at denial. He quietly stood by His Majesty's side, still holding onto his hand. Yuuri was still trying to talk him down, and Conrad let him do this. He had known for a while now that Yuuri never loved his brother, and as terrible as that may be, it filled him with a guilty hope. No. Stop. He quickly pushed those thoughts away. Yuuri needed him as a protector. Not a lover. This fight was between his brother and the king, not him. He had no reason to be here except for that small hand still clutching to his fingers. If Yuuri wanted him there, then he would stay. He was only here for Yuuri, no other reason.

"Wolf, plea-" Yuuri tried again. Conrad could feel the tension in his voice, the anger rising up. He'd never heard that tone in his voice before, but it seems like Wolfram was ignoring it in his rage.

"You let him get raped you sick bast-"

"WOLFRAM!" His ringing voice silenced the blond. His ringing voice shocked Conrad. His ringing voice would have unnerved himself, but he was too tired, too exhausted, too tormented by bloody nightmares and phantom hands on his body to care anymore. He was changing, more commanding, more like the king he is, but...was that really for the best? "Get out of my sight. We will discuss this tomorrow after you've cooled your head." His face and voice made Wolfram falter, but he was not going to give up that easily, not after everything he's done to be with him. Not after he fell in love.

"We most certainly are NOT! You can't ju-"

"Wolfram." His voice was harsh and cold. Unnerving. Even Conrad felt the sense of dread that filled the room after that single word. "Leave."

If he was in his right mind, Wolfram would have left. His senses were on fire, scared, terrified, anxious. His body told him to be ready for a fight. Yuuri had never made him feel like this before, so he should have left. But he was angry, betrayed by his own brother, by his fiancé, how could he just leave?

"Yuuri, I'm no-"

"That's an order, Wolf."

"No! I'm n-"

"Get out of my sight!" Yuuri erupted. Angry. Cold. Harsh. The water pitcher by the bed was trembling and his body was giving off such a harsh energy that even Conrad could feel it. It made them feel a tightness around their stomachs and suddenly fear made the words cling to their throats. Wolfram froze. Conrad recovered quickly, and gave the young king's hand a squeeze to calm him down. It would have worked too, but Wolfram was stubborn, even in the face of an angry king.

"Yuu-"

"Stop!" His power erupted uncontrolled along with his anger and words. The water pitcher on the nightstand shattered, and needles of water shot through the air, directing their stinging barrage in Wolfram's direction. Water shot past his face, slicing the flesh. Thin tendrils of blood dripped down his cheek as he froze at the sudden attack. His maryoku was suffocating, even to Conrad who possessed none at all. Wolfram was speechless. Frozen. Terrified.

"...Yuu...ri…" he barely whispered as the king collapsed back on the bed. He rested his head in his hands and his shoulders were shaking. What had he done? He didn't mean to hurt Wolfram emotionally, much less physically. He was a monster. He was a monster.

"Please, Wolf. Just go." He barely whispered through clenched teeth, and this time, Wolfram silently exited, closing the heavy door behind him with a soft clunk. It was just Conrad and Yuuri now, the former still standing by the bedside and the latter silently shaking as his eyes stung. What was he doing? How did things spiral out of control like this? Wolfram probably hated him now. He was a monster.

"Yuuri," Conrad gently consoled as he sat on the bed next to his king.

"What have I done Conrad? I didn't even know I could do that?" His voice broke and it was then that Conrad was reminded just how young Yuuri really was. He was still a child, and he was falling apart. His shoulders were shaking, and Conrad could see the tears pouring down his face when he lifted his head in a desperate plea. So Conrad did what he always does. He smiled his most reassuring smile and gently wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders. Yuuri froze for a second before relaxing into the touch. He turned and tightly wrapped his arms around the older man's waist and let loose his sobs.

Conrad wrapped his arms in turn and laid the two of them down in bed. Yuuri was crying and mumbling inconsolable things, and Conrad listened, gently stroking his back and brushing the hair out of his eyes.

"I'm a monster."

"No, you're not, Yuuri."

"Wolfram hates me."

"No he doesn't, Yuuri."

"I was just so tired and he-he kept…he just…"

"I know, Yuuri. It's okay," he squeezed the boy tight, and for a second, he was going to kiss him. But Yuuri doesn't need a lover right now. He needs a friend. Comfort. Reassurance. Conrad can be that. He has to for his king. For his love. So he held him close, his head pressed against his chest, and watched the young boy slowly, shakily drift off to sleep.

Yuuri leaned against his broad chest and listened to his strong heartbeat. It was solid and rhythmic. Calming. Encouraging. Peaceful. He nuzzled against him, the hot tears still slightly stinging in his eyes, but Conrad's arms wrapped around him was comforting. Nice. Relaxing almost. After a week of sleepless nights, Yuuri was finally able to fall asleep listening to the lull of his heart, the guilt of his escapade with Wolfram barely registering itself in the back of his mind.

And for the first time since he was kidnapped, the nightmares never came.