A/N: Heard this song on the radio and spent the next few days chasing it and the lyrics down. The words just seemed so appropriate in regards to Cloud and his relationship with Tifa that I couldn't get it out of my mind. It's short but I believe thought provoking. The song is 'Far Away' by Nickelback, from 'All the Right Reasons'.
Chapter Summary: Tifa is a little leery of the flash drive Cloud has left on her desk. But when she opens the folder, she finds a short note and a music file. And the words of the song make yet another dent in the shell she maintains around her heart...
Jealousy, Take 19
Ivy Elise Tanté
Tifa Lockhart sat looking at the flash drive left on her desk sometime within the past couple of days. There was a label with her name printed in neat and even block letters. She was always amazed that as disordered and chaotic as Cloud Strife tended to be, his handwriting never reflected his personality. The letters printed on the tag were concise and easily readable, with no fancy flourishes to make it even remotely individual.
Sighing, wondering what bit of bookkeeping he needed her to examine, she plugged it into the USB port on her computer and waited for the crotchety unit to acknowledge the new external drive. Tifa liked to think the cantankerous old thing sat there with one eyebrow raised and uttered "Eh?" every time something new was added.
After a long moment there was a whirling sound and a folder popped up. It contained two items - a word file and a MP3. Typical of Cloud, the document was named read_this_first. Chuckling, Tifa double-clicked on the icon.
The note was also typical of him. It was just two lines, and she wondered idly how many times he had edited, reworded or just plain rewrote those sentences. Knowing Cloud, a dozen or so would be well within the realm of possibility.
Then Tifa read what he had written. Then thoughtfully read it again.
Tifa, you know just how bad at speaking my mind I can be. I think this song expresses most of what I wish I could say to you.
With a great deal of trepidation Tifa double-clicked on the MP3 icon, mentally bracing herself for whatever was on the file. The computer gave what could only be called a hiccup, then started the music. It began very simply with a single guitar. Then the singing started, and she suddenly found her eyes tearing up as she listened to the words.
This time, this place - Misused, mistakes.
Too long, too late - Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left.
Cause you know, you know, you know…
That I love you - I have loved you all along.
And I miss you - Been far away for far too long.
I keep dreaming - You'll be with me and you'll never go.
Stop breathing - If I don't see you anymore.
Her hands were shaking as she hit pause. However much Cloud tried to tell her that he loved her -through words, through deeds, through actions, even through the looks he sometimes gave her when he forgot to be so self-conscious- there seemed a part of him that was never satisfied that she fully understood the depths of his emotion for her.
Since his return from the Lifestream, he was obsessed with making sure Tifa knew that he loved her and wanted to stay, wanted to be a part of the family they had created, wanted to share his life with all its tragedies and triumphs with her by his side. Cloud was constantly reaching for the means to communicate these facts to her, and she could only imagine how difficult it was for him to make himself vulnerable enough that she could truly see how he felt.
Now it was this song, and the words seemed to burn right into her heart as she hit the play button for it to continue.
On my knees, I'll ask - Last chance for one last dance.
Cause with you, I'd withstand - All of hell to hold your hand.
I'd give it all, I'd give for us, give anything but I won't give up.
Cause you know, you know, you know…
That I love you - I have loved you all along.
And I miss you - Been far away for far too long.
I keep dreaming - You'll be with me and you'll never go.
Stop breathing - If I don't see you anymore.
Before the return of Sephiroth, Cloud had given up. He might have gone through the motions, continued to function by doing his job delivering packages, but there was a part of him that died the first time those bruises on his arm had burst open and wept black blood. And instead of leaning on their developing family, he left, thinking it would be better if they didn't have to see what was happening to him.
Then Cloud started seeing Sephiroth during the episodes and went to the one place that seemed to ease the visions.
For the longest time, Tifa had believed Cloud had run to Aerith when he moved into the church. But recently she realized it was because the church was a holy place, filled with life and hope along with the brilliant white and yellow flowers. There was peace there, and at that time, it was what he truly needed.
But his thoughts had been filled with her and his family. Tifa knew this was true because while cleaning, she had discovered a small chest hidden deep in his closet, filled with the drawings and letters she and the children had left in the garage for him during his absence. And each had been carefully sealed in plastic bags to keep them from becoming soiled. There were a few pictures as well - just as meticulously protected, though the plastic was well worn from handling. Especially on the one of her.
Taking a deep breath, she once more hit play.
So far away, so far away - Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away - Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know…
I wanted - I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed - I need to hear you say
"That I love you - I have loved you all along
And I forgive you - For being away for far too long
So keep breathing - Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it - Hold on to me and never let me go"
(Keep breathing) - Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it - Hold on to me and never let me go
(Keep breathing) - Hold on to me and never let me go
(Keep breathing) - Hold on to me and never let me go
Had she really, truly, deep-down forgiven him yet? Did he realize, somewhere in that introverted brain of his, that she had not fully absolved him of his transgressions? And that she withheld that release not as a means to hurt him, but to protect herself from being so emotionally flattened again?
Looking at the brief note left in the word document, Tifa had to ask herself if he could really be that insightful. Then she sighed and closed her eyes and admitted that, yes, he really could.
She listened to the song again, pausing it frequently this time to type out the lyrics underneath his brief message. The message of the song hit her the hardest - declaring his love, asking her to do the same, and his plea for her to hold on and not let him go. Hadn't he been attempting to say that all along, but just couldn't manage it coherently in his bumbling fashion?
Brushing tears out of her eyes, Tifa saved both files to her grouchy, crabby computer. Cloud would be home soon from his deliveries and Tifa rather thought it was time to try and talk this out. They had tried before, of course. But now that she had a better inkling of what he was actually thinking, the discussion might go a bit more smoothly.
And maybe it was time that she stepped up and told him exactly what she was feeling as well. Yes, Tifa had told him she wanted him to come home and to stay with her and the children. But in all this time while he struggled to express what he didn't know how to say, had she really shared what was in her heart?
No, she hadn't. And it was past time she did so. Because Cloud Strife wasn't the only one that needed forgiveness...