Another reincarnation story
02.
It took Itachi exactly three weeks to adjust to his new world. By the end of the fourth, Itachi was certain of this not being an illusion or afterlife.
The more time he spent with Shisui or Sasuke or all of the other people around him, the more Itachi believed that kami had given him a second chance. His list of indications and proof went on and on.
First, everything was more or less as he remembered. Apart from the differences he only noticed because of his more mature perception, Konoha was the way he knew and loved.
Second, everything happened the way he remembered. So Itachi stayed low-profile. He remained on the roads he had tread, afraid his actions might change the course of the world. He wondered if he still would be able to stop what had broken him and his brother.
Third, Itachi had the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. It was technically not possible, but so was reincarnating into his own body. The only explanation he had was that the changes applied to his brain only. Since he had the brain of an adult, his chakra signature had also stayed. Having all of this transferred back to his childhood body, Itachi thought maybe he had cheated his chakra into believing that those eyes weren't originally his.
He wasn't complaining, though. His doujutsu was more powerful than ever before. With his eternal Mangekyo, his eyesight would never fade. He felt the power everyday, even without testing it fully. He wondered what he could do now that his eyes were the most powerful in the world. What technique beyond Tsukuyomi and Susanoo could he discover?
But with the improvement to his visual jutsu came the deterioration to all the skills that required strength or stamina. He had tested himself to the full extent without attracting too much attention. The results shocked him.
In his child-body, Itachi could barely punch through wooden panels, despite breaking bones. He could jump no higher than the Hokage building, leaving him less agile than before. His shuriken jutsu and kenjutsu suffered the most. While his still struck every target he intended to, he lacked the strength to cause much damage. His projectiles flew the plotted path, but Itachi's tiny fist just wasn't big enough to grasp enough kunais to throw, forcing him to repeat the movements multiple times, which in turn tired out his untrained child-body. His stamina had shrunk to an unendurable state, his chakra reserve too small for Itachi to use his complicated and powerful jutsus. He couldn't even keep his Sharingan activated throughout the day without falling into bed utterly exhausted.
Itachi loathed his embarrassingly pathetic skills. He felt useless, vulnerable and fragile. In the one month he needed to adjust to his young body, he had already suffered chakra depletion twice and even sprained his wrist and ankle a few times.
It wasn't until his sixth week in this Konoha, Itachi decided he should stop comparing his child-body to his adult one. And it wasn't until that night, he decided to be happy in this world.
"He is adorable," Shisui whispered next to him.
They were sitting on the porch of his home, watching Sasuke perform the kata Itachi just taught him that morning. His brother was the cutest thing in the world, Itachi mused. Watching him beam in innocence and laugh without concern, he could easily forget what a monster his brother had become. His memory of the teenage Sasuke faded quickly, leaving only this child in his eyes. He watched and smiled and allowed himself to be pulled into the moment.
"Nii-san!" Sasuke squeaked. "Did you see it? I got it!"
"Oh, his cuteness is killing me!" Shisui gasped, hand going up to grasp his heart.
"I saw, Otouto," Itachi nodded, ignoring Shisui's melodrama. "It's not bad considering I showed it to you barely hours ago."
Sasuke grinned brightly and Shisui grunted as if air was being punched out of his lungs.
"Go practice it a few times more, I will be watching." Itachi encouraged him with a smile.
"You are the best, Nii-san!" Sasuke went back to training, finding new confidence in Itachi's words.
The genius watched and wondered what else he could change without destroying the flow of fate. Would it be bad to have more time for the boy he sacrificed his life for? Definitely not, Itachi convinced himself. If he was about to change, he should stay true to his words and include Sasuke. After all, his brother was the special one, not Itachi.
Accepting and believing in that, Itachi thought that he just might have a chance to be happy here. Were it not for his annoying cousin, who just wouldn't stop bothering him.
Three months later, Shisui was still convinced that Itachi dreamed of girls.
He said that Itachi's strange and warmer behavior was the result of that dream. Because Itachi has started noticing the other gender, he also started seeing himself as a man. In Shisui's words, Itachi supposedly shed the asperity of a child and started growing into a gentlemen and probably also a lady's man. Where Shisui picked up those words, Itachi didn't want to imagine.
Very much to Itachi's annoyance, his cousin teased him whenever he had the chance to. Like when they went out for dango, Shisui would ask which girl he dreamed about taking here. Or after training, Shisui would ask if Itachi had a date later. The worst was when they enjoyed a mission-less afternoon at the Naka River, Shisui made Itachi promise not to show this place to any girl he fancied, for it belonged only to them.
Finally, one day five months after Itachi had awoken in this world, he snapped. With a voice still too shrill for his own liking and in a volume he had never used before, Itachi screamed into Shisui's face.
"I don't like girls!" He panted heavily after those words left his lips. He didn't want to say it, but he needed to put a stop to Shisui's constant poking. He understood that a boy his age would be fascinated by such a topic, he just couldn't remember Shisui being like that. It irritated him. It annoyed him. And it somehow insulted him.
"Alright," Shisui murmured after the shock of Itachi screaming at him wore off. "I get your point."
"Finally!" The genius sat back down on a larger stone by the river.
"You know," Shisui swallowed. "It's not unusual to have thoughts of denial."
"Not again, Shisui!" Itachi moaned. "I am serious."
"Just saying."
"I have absolutely no interest in girls."
"Yeah, you're bit young for a girlfriend."
Itachi hid his face in his hands. He prayed to kami to release him. In his own world, Itachi had faced down armies with more options at hand than right now. He winced inwardly, trying to find a way to convince Shisui that he had no desire to talk about such trivial matters. Why was Shisui so obsessed with girls? Then, he suddenly realized it.
"Do you have a girlfriend, Shisui?"
"What?" His cousin almost choked on the rice-ball. He coughed heavily and spat the rise on the floor.
"Disgusting."
"What did you ask me?" Shisui's face was bright red.
"If you have a girlfriend," Itachi repeated. "Taking from your constant wish to discuss girls, I take it you have proper interest in them."
"I hate your brain!" Shisui cursed.
"Is it true?"
"No!" His cousin pouted. "I don't!"
"But you'd like to."
"No," Shisui's voice was small. "Not really."
"You can talk to me."
"What? Now you're ready to talk?"
"I'm sorry," Itachi said sincerely. "I should have realized your desire sooner. I'm not a very good best friend."
"You're a stupid one," Shisui spat. "But you are my best friend." Shisui threw a quick glance at him, his face blushing slightly.
"Really?"
"Yes, really!" Shisui snapped, looking suddenly angry. He took a deep breath, as if preparing for something and turned towards the genius fully. Itachi knew that look on his face, Shisui was absolutely serious. "Itachi, can I tell you a secret?"
"Always."
"You have to swear not to tell anyone else." Shisui's eyes turned red.
"I swear,"
The other Uchiha sighed. He threw his head back to face the darkening sky and sighed again. Itachi thought that Shisui was being melodramatic again.
"I..." Shisui started eventually. "There's is someone I like..."
Itachi wanted to reply but didn't know what to say. It was confusing, because he didn't remember Shisui being in love the last time. In his memory, Shisui's only focus was his duty as a shinobi. But in his memory, Shisui also wasn't this lively.
"Someone I really like," Shisui added. "I dream about him all the time... And in my dreams, we do things..." Face blushed a crimson red, Shisui bit on his tongue and stole a glance back at Itachi.
"Him?" Itachi only gasped. On the outside, he kept his face calm. But on the inside, he felt close to panic. He cursed himself for being blind and not realizing his cousin actually prefered men. He felt something akin to jealousy rushing through him, stealing his reasonable thoughts. Thousands of faces flashed through his mind, everyone being a potential match for his best friend. He ruled out those being too old or too young, then those Shisui barely mentioned and probably didn't know. Still too many faces remained after Itachi also ruled out those related to Shisui and swallowed. "You said him."
"I did," Shisui whispered.
For a long time, they both remained silent. Itachi thought that by the way Shisui grasped his hair, he was probably having an internal crisis. He himself wasn't far from it. Truth be told, he was trying hard to get his jealousy under control.
Feelings long buried inside him bubbled up to surface. In a time long past and yet so present, Itachi had loved Shisui more than a cousin should be loved. He had dreamed about Shisui in the same manner Shisui described the other boy. In that time, Itachi would have done anything to be close to the kind Uchiha with those glistening red eyes. He would have traded his own life for Shisui's and given anything to see him smile.
But that was over a decade ago in another life. It was in a dream Itachi still remembered vividly. Though he wanted to claim that his heart had never changed, he couldn't do so. In those ten years where Shisui's suicide haunted him, Itachi had grown distant and cold. In his absolute desperation, he had traded his chastity for moments of bliss.
No, he had no right to be jealous. He had no right to deny Shisui the love he deserved. On the other hand, Itachi thought, he had the right to interfere. After all, he had to be sure this boy Shisui loved was worthy of his cousin.
"Shisui," he said softly, careful to keep any anger out of his voice. "Are you alright?"
"Do I look alright?" his cousin hissed. He looked back to Itachi, his eyes still burning. "I just told you something I haven't told a single person before."
"That applies to many things we discuss." Itachi pointed out, trying to lift the mood.
"But this is different, Itachi," Shisui moaned. "Fugaku-san will disgrace me if he finds out. He might even kill me. You know what they say about people like me! It's not natural. It's impossible. What am I gonna do?"
"Ask him out." Itachi shrugged. After all these years, he really didn't care about what his father had to say.
"Be serious!"
"I am."
Shisui's big eyes grew larger. He stared at Itachi as if he came from another world. Well, Itachi did, but Shisui didn't have to know it.
"Ask him out," disbelief filled his voice. "I should simply ask him out."
Itachi nodded.
"Why am I even asking a ten-year-old for advice?" Shisui moaned. "What's wrong with my life?"
"I'm your best friend," the genius pointed out. "I agree that I'm not very experienced in the field of love, but I..."
"Not very experienced?" Shisui shouted. "You are ten! You should have no experience at all! What do you know about love?"
"A lot, Shisui. I am an Uchiha." Itachi placed a hand on Shisui's shoulder and thought about hugging him. He decided against it. "If you really love him, he should know it."
"You think so?"
"I do. Nothing is more painful than to realize one day that you had the chance of love but were too afraid to take it." Itachi couldn't keep the hurt out of his voice. How bizarre it was to give the person he was referring to this one advice. "We are shinobis, we could die any day. Tell him how you feel, before it's too late."
Shisui blinked at him, disbelief still lingering in his crimson eyes. They faded into black, allowing Itachi to see the gentleness he always loved. Shisui was beautiful tonight. Strong, young and alive. Were he not from another world, were he not so broken and impure, he might have grabbed Shisui's cheeks and kissed him. He might have whispered the words he could never speak into Shisui's ears and swore to love no one but him.
"I love you," it did not come from Itachi. Shisui's words resounded in Itachi's brain, driving any sense from him. He heard them over and over again, unable to process its meaning. "You heard me," his cousin whispered and gently laid an arm around Itachi's shoulder. "I love you."
"It's been me all along," Itachi realized, gasping. Shisui's poking all these months weren't born out of curiosity, but jealousy. All those subtle hints, all those longing glances... "But Shisui... we're cousins!" How hypocritical of himself to say this. Hadn't he just thought about kissing Shisui seconds ago?
"I don't care," Shisui was dangerously close to Itachi now. "You said it yourself, we could die anytime. And I'm not wasting it wondering if you can return my feelings."
"I..." Itachi wanted to flee. "I'm ten."
"I can wait." Shisui promised. "Itachi, I loved you the day I met you. You were five and it didn't stop me. I can wait."
"But... we can't."
"Why not?"
Yes, why not? Itachi could think of so many reasons but none of them was dire enough for him to refuse his cousin. The conclusion must have showed on his face for Shisui slid even closer.
He could feel Shisui's arms around him now, holding him inside this embrace. Shisui's breath was on his face and the heat all over him. He smelled the rice and the weapon oil. He closed his eyes and let it happen.
Shisui's lips touched his and everything was different now. His dream, a dream that died ten years ago had finally come true. In that other life, Itachi would have been happy beyond limits. But here, all he could think about was Kisame, a man who probably didn't even know he existed.
Shisui's tongue was pushing at him. Itachi pressed back and opened his mouth. New energy found Shisui but did not reach Itachi. His body was still cold, his groin as unmoving as before. He kissed Shisui the way he had kissed Kisame in another time and could cry at the betrayal to both men. He had loved them both in the life he had left behind, but right now, he could love neither without the guilt eating him alive.
"No!" He gasped and pushed away from Shisui. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, feeling violated and stained. He felt wrong for kissing Shisui, but also for not kissing him. "I can't..." he gasped out, panting heavily from inner struggle. "Shisui, I can't..."
"Why, Itachi?" Shisui looked close to tears. He still sat there where Itachi had been a moment ago, his eyes speaking of hurt too real for Itachi's to endure.
"I love you, Shisui!" Itachi blurted. He knelt back down before his cousin and suppressed the urge to cry. "From the depth of my heart, I love you. But I can't do this."
"Why?"
"It's complicated," Itachi sighed. "I can't really tell you why, only that I can't."
"So, you don't love me."
"I do, just not the way you want me to." He had to cry himself now. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's my fault!" Shisui snapped his hand back. "To think you're ready. You're ten, too young. But Itachi, I won't give up."
"Shisui..."
"You are the most precious thing in the world for me," Shisui's voice slowly returned to normal. "I won't give up. I can wait, and I will wait. Until you are ready."
I'm afraid I might never be. Itachi thought but didn't say it. He knew it wasn't noble of him to make Shisui wait, but he couldn't deny his cousin a second time this day. So he nodded with all the innocence he could muster. Should Shisui think him not ready. Should Shisui think him too young. Maybe, when he wasn't anymore, he would have the courage to tell Shisui the truth.
As he plotted the event yet to come, Itachi watched Shisui disappear between the trees. He listened to the water running below him and suddenly felt as if he was eleven years old again and with Shisui's blood still on his hand.