Love is the strongest emotion any creature can feel except for hate, but hate can't hurt you. Love, and trust, and friendship, and all the other emotions humans value so much, are the only emotions that can bring pain. Only love can break a heart into so many pieces. ~Amelia Atwater Rhodes

Shouyou Hinata curls tighter in a ball against the wall on the porch when the door opens next to him, the backs of his eyelids pressing harder into his knees. His heart is ticking an unsteady rhythm and his head hurts and his stomach still feels volatile, but he barely notices any of it.

What happened to him?

You did.

Yaku's accusatory reply had set him back, his mind automatically rebelling. But no matter how crappy his stomach felt, his eyes were sharp as ever… and Kageyama had been totally unresponsive. He'd been placed on a blanket on his side, half curled into a fetal position that could have almost made Shouyou think he was just asleep. But his chest had risen and fallen in short rapid breaths, his skin a sickly grey and covered in a thin sheen of sweat even as all of his muscles spasmed in shivers.

It had been the most unnerving thing, seeing the cobalt eyes cracked open just a touch yet completely unfocused and sightless while his body shook. Even as he'd watched, Akaashi had pulled out a blanket to drop over him while Bokuto had neatly folded his large wings around him. It had hammered it home that Kageyama was wholly and truly unconscious. Kageyama wasn't usually big on physical touch unless it was at night in the middle of a sleep pile— or if it was from Shouyou himself. The fact that there had been no reaction to being handled and carefully positioned… was terrifying.

You'd best hope he wants to live; it might be the only thing that saves him because your leveler link won't help you this time. The 'binding' property can't fix leveler inflicted injuries.

Shouyou drags a breath into lungs that are painfully constricted, the air catching on his raw throat. It doesn't matter how tight he squeezes his eyes shut, he can't unsee the image of his leveler lying comatose and surrounded by concerned faces, can't stop the tears from slipping out.

He's been getting sick after every fight and yet you repeat the process each time.

Had he really been going through this every time they'd argued? He knew Kageyama would lose feathers after these confrontations and would be a little pale and crash out earlier the night following, but… he'd assumed the taller boy was still just livid. Had he really been this blind?

Shouyou'd been angry… but he'd never wanted this. He'd been frustrated with Kageyama's lack of sympathy and understanding; he'd never intended for this to happen. Shouyou curls even further into himself, his entire being whimpering as his heart squeezes in his chest. He's pretty sure it's actually shattered because he can feel nothing but stifling terror and crippling sorrow.

It's a different feeling than when he'd been determined to give Kageyama up in the immediate wake of his grounding—knowing he'd be banned from the rookery, he'd been prepared to let the other boy go. He'd been ready to forfeit his place at the avian heir's side and his spot in their unit to see that through. He'd been ready to do whatever it took to keep Kageyama safe and ensure that he had nothing but the best chance to succeed—even if it removed himself from the picture. He'd been ready to lose the person he cared about most even if he hadn't been able to envision life without him.

Now… there's a well of anguish that is so much more painful. The knowledge that his leveler's state is his fault feeds a building self-loathing and the very real fear that Kageyama might die. It's the last thing he wants. Kageyama had saved him from an infinitely lonely future when he'd walked away from the rookery leadership, had reinforced through action that he'd chosen Shouyou over everyone and everything else.

If he could, he'd take it all back. If it meant Kageyama'd be okay, he'd erase this whole day and start over, just stay home with him, and never even bring up Sheru Bay. All Shouyou wants is to rewind back to this morning when his leveler's eyes hadn't been vacant and staring, when they'd struck that easy tempo of ribbing remarks over breakfast, everything normal. He wants to go back to before he'd messed up so badly.

But he can't take back the words now, can't change what's happened.

I haven't seen many people come back from this level of toxicity.

Shouyou scrunches his hands over his ears as a sob chokes his throat.

Kageyama can't die. He's the freaking heir to the Karasuno rookery, for feathers' sake. He's the most incredible person Shouyou's ever met, exceptional at anything he sets his mind to. He can be stubborn and asinine on occasion, but beneath his callous exterior lies a full emotional scope, the depth of which is staggering. Kageyama is capable of great compassion in his own reserved way, just as he's capable of unyielding violence when something he cares about is threatened. Kageyama had chosen him.

Kageyama, you're my world.

Shouyou hadn't lied when he'd said it. His whole existence began and ended with the black-haired setter, all of his thoughts and actions subconsciously revolving around the other boy. When he'd learned they were levelers, he hadn't thought anything could have made his life better. He'd been wrong. The fact that Kageyama had been content with it as well— perhaps happy even— had put him into an almost permanent state of euphoria.

And now? Kageyama lies unconscious on the other side of the wall behind him and might never wake up. The one perfect person who matters most to him… might die. What had he done?

A gentle hand on his shoulder makes him flinch away, another gasping sob escaping him. He wants to tell whoever it is to leave him alone, but his lungs can't push the air through his vocal chords and his mouth can't form the words. Someone who endangers their leveler like this doesn't deserve sympathy or pity or comfort or whatever that soft touch intends to convey. Someone who could kill their leveler deserves nothing but contempt.

But the hands don't go away. Instead, someone settles heavily beside him and wraps him in a full embrace, dragging him forward against a warm chest. And for an instant Shouyou is furious.

Kageyama might not survive the night; the person responsible for that should be shunned and punished, not consoled. His breath comes in shaky gasps when he pushes at the arms around him, but their grasp is iron and in a moment, he's struggling frantically. No one should be kind to him… not ever, not after this.

Don't do this. Not for me. Not me.

But the arms around him only tighten. And a moment later, a smaller pair circle his gut, a tiny body pressing into his back, and like a dam beneath a swollen lake breaking, he gives. Shouyou goes limp, whimpering sobs wrenching painfully from his chest. His hands fist into the shirt his face is planted into and his mouth forms words without his conscious permission.

"I'm sorry." He says, his voice completely broken under the onslaught of emotion still racking him in waves. "I'm sorry… Sorry." He repeats.

Again and again he apologizes, the word uttered over and over with desperation, the need to make sure they know he never meant for any of this to happen overpowering. The soft touch of a cheek dropping on his head is coupled with one arm releasing him to rest a hand next to it in a tender action that conveys both love and support, and his chest constricts even more.

"It's okay, Hinata." A tiny voice says at his back and he recognizes Yachi.

"It's not entirely your fault." Suga's voice vibrates quietly into his hair and he finally knows whose chest he's desecrating. Another sob catches in his throat. "You both had equal parts in this."

"But I'm fine and he's…"

"He's suffering, but he's still alive." The thrush says softly, not denying that the other boy is in less than perfect condition.

"Is he going to be alright?"

"His body is still working through the effects… but he's hanging on at the moment." It's not the confirmation Shouyou wishes it was.

"I screwed up, Suga. I destroyed everything." He croaks but it isn't Suga that answers.

"Hinata… You both said a lot of horrible things, but I don't think either of you meant even half of them. You can get on each other's nerves but you guys live for each other. Everything will be okay." Yachi says softly.

Shouyou can't quite bring himself to believe her.

When Shouyou finally steps back inside as the sun starts dropping in the sky, it's after most everyone else has gone back out, the nervous tension over the way Kageyama hasn't woken yet after the massive scene they'd made earlier making them antsy. Whether they bounce a ball around mechanically at the net, or disappear to gather late summer greens for dinner, or blankly work on fletching arrows for hunting, they are all quiet and brooding. The only ones left inside are Daichi and Kiyoko. They barely spare him a glance and Suga squeezes his shoulder softly before retreating back outside.

He probably wouldn't have set foot in this room even if everywhere else were on fire if it hadn't been at Noya's relentless insistence. If it had been left up to him, he'd have stayed out on the porch until his leveler had woken and even then, he'd have remained until Kageyama'd bid him come back inside. Maybe not even then; he felt like he had no right to such an amenity as a 'home'. But the smaller crow had declared that he should be beside his leveler and refused to let it go, so the redhead had very reluctantly allowed himself to be shuffled back inside. Looking at the pitiful sight Kageyama still makes, he already regrets it.

Yachi's small hands latch onto his arm and pull him forward.

"How is he doing?" She asks quietly and Kiyoko looks up.

"He hasn't heaved again for the last hour so we might be through that part… but his pulse is still up and the fever is still going."

Shouyou doesn't want to get any closer, doesn't want to touch his leveler, but the bunting hasn't released him yet. Yachi takes the rag from Kiyoko and sets it into his hands where he blinks down at it. Kiyoko rises, and Yachi has him take her place beside the unconscious crow, far too close for comfort.

And for the first time since he came in, he looks at Kageyama.

He's covered from the waist down in a light blanket, and his body has ceased it's shivering at the moment, but he's still ashen, his chest rising and falling too quickly. His eyes are still cracked open, but he can't see their staring pupils this time, just a sliver of unfocused blue. His arm and shoulder muscles look too slack, unnatural in the absence of all tension in them, and his hair sticks to the skin around his face and neck, matted with perspiration.

But it's his wings that lock up Shouyou's muscles.

The large and beautiful black wings that drape around him… are wilting. Feathers scattered all across the one close enough that Shouyou could reach out and touch it are curling, their fibers crimping along the shafts. Covert feathers, primaries, secondaries— it doesn't matter, they are all likewise scorching. Already, a few have dropped, their shaft roots scalded to a crisp. And as his eyes trace their length and the damage, his heart almost stops when he gets to the very last flight feathers.

Those white tipped feathers that stand like an ever-present reminder of everything they've been through and what Kageyama endured and sacrificed for him—the choices the setter made… their edges have started to wither as well. The rag slips from his hands.

A shaking hand drifts forward, and he blinks to clear his blurring vision. His digits ghost over the frosted feathers, the ruined edges rough against the pads of his fingers. The sensation is like an echo of how badly he's screwed up, how he's failed to respect everything his leveler is and has done for him.

Desperation snakes through him and before he's realized it, his hands shoot out and fist into Kageyama's shirt. He lifts his unconscious leveler an inch off the floor, not even noticing the way the other three people around him jar at the movement.

"Tobio!" His voice cracks when the other boy's head lolls back. "Tobio Kageyama, you fight, you hear me?" He says to the raven-haired setter, but gets no response.

"You need to wake up. I can't tell you what an idiot you are if you don't." He says, shaking him once. "And I can't tell you how badly I messed up. Fight Kageyama. You have to wake up, because I need you to know I'm sorry."

By the time he gets it all out, his voice is little more than a whimper and Yachi's small hands close on his shoulders as he loosens his grip on his leveler, letting him back down onto the floor. He watches almost despondently as Yachi puts the rag back into his hands and slowly guides him through dipping it into the water and gently pressing it over the burning skin on Kageyama's face and neck. When she's confident he's got it down— really, it's very simple— she places a lingering hand on his arm before she steps out with Kiyoko.

And then it's just him and Daichi sitting there with the unconscious avian prince, Shouyou periodically rewetting the rag and pressing it to Kageyama's skin. The former unit leader doesn't say anything and the redhead is torn between gratitude and scalding discomfort. On one hand, he would really rather his unit leader ream him out, yell, curse, beat the crap out of him—anything—because he more than deserves it… but on the other, his silence is a blessing. Shouyou's positive that he's on the verge of getting hysterical and focusing on the rag in his hand right now might be about all he can handle.

His sole desire… is to see Kageyama wake, see his cobalt eyes once more. Shouyou won't be angry if he wakes and then never wants anything to do with him again; there is something the redhead needs to tell him and he will be content if he gets that chance.

As the light slips away for the day, he remains beside the dark-haired boy, finally curling up beside him with tired, hollow eyes as everyone starts coming inside for the night. Ignoring their searching glances, one of Shouyou's hands reaches out to splay across Kageyama's ribs, the rise and fall under his palm and pulse under his fingertips reassuring in their regularity that Kageyama is still alive.

It takes him a long time to get to sleep and everyone around him has gone quiet by the time his eyes start getting heavy; Shouyou's last thought before he drifts off is that it's unusually dark, and he realizes that for the first night in eighteen months, he won't be glowing.

A/N: Another slower chapter: have a Shouyou meltdown moment. This chapter made me despondent for like a day after I finished it. The whole feeling I was shooting for was kind of a numb despair... not sure if I hit that mark, but hey, depression works too i guess. Not sure how I feel about it. I failed to pull emotions like I have with others, I think. Next one is more interesting I promise. :) Have a great night guys!