Another reincarnation story
12.
Itachi arrived at the river bank one hour after dinner. He didn't bother telling his parents where he was going, only expressed having unfinished business. Ever since he turned thirteen years old, Itachi had not allowed his parents to treat him like a child. It was a status he very much enjoyed.
In his mind, he had stopped being a child long ago. Long before he finished academy, Itachi knew that he would never have something normal people called a childhood. The fragile innocence of his mind vanished when he killed his first man on the battlefield of the third great war. The rest of him died piece by piece until the last fell into darkness with Shisui's suicide.
He had never bemoaned his own loss, though. As the first born of a powerful man whose pride overshadowed everything else, Itachi's life had never been his own. From the moment conscious thought formed in his mind, he had been drilled into believing that being a good shinobi meant enduring great pain and sacrifice his own life.
Itachi had survived and lived by this code. In the life he had left behind, sacrifice marked his being. He gave up absolutely everything for the ones he loved, not seeing that torturing himself was the greatest pain he brought them. Sasuke had made him realize that. Now, that his eyes were opened, Itachi wondered if he could afford a little selfishness.
Deep in thought, he leaned against the thick trunk of a tree. He hid in its shadow and gazed up at the full moon. It reminded him so much of his time in the Akatsuki chasing a goal he pretended to accept. It also reminded him of all the lies he was forced to tell and not only to the world but also to the man he was waiting for.
Doubt sneaked into his heart. So much was uncertain and unsaid. He felt as if a grand chasm laid between him and Kisame and was filled with the words always left unspoken between them. The weight of his own secrecy rested heavily on him, not letting go of his chaotic thoughts. He had so many questions in his mind, one more sensitive than the other. How could he look Kisame in the eyes and admit that for nine years of their life, where they had spent nearly everyday with each other, Itachi had lied constantly?
Or had Kisame learned to love the cold-hearted murderer he pretended to be? Or had the sharkman somehow looked through his mask and loved the man behind it? Had he really loved Kisame, the monster that had cared for him for so long? And above all, Itachi realized he needed to ask the most important question.
Is he really mine?
Could that be? Could Kisame also be from an alternative future? Was the man he had so passionately kissed in his father's house really the man he had longed to see? Was he the one Itachi had loved without himself knowing? Was this Kisame the man Itachi said goodbye to while swallowing his tears?
Despite all the questions, Itachi couldn't make himself believe that the tangle a few hours ago meant nothing. It was not born out of temporary lust or the intimacy of their brawl. It had to be real, the genius told himself. It had to be his Kisame. It had to be the man who had snuck into a heart that was closed off to the world. But Itachi's heart wasn't cold anymore. The fire of the living Uchiha-clan had somehow melted down the ice that had surrounded him. It had ignited a light Itachi thought was extinguished forever. In the past three years, he had learned to laugh again, to be happy and to be young again. He had learned to cherish what he had and be who he was before.
Thousands of questions surged through his mind. For every argument claiming Kisame's love, two would appear denying it. For hours, Itachi hid in the shadow, wondering if his lover would appear. He thought about the words he would say first, then how he should say it. He wanted it to be soft, gentle and express his apology and desire. He wanted Kisame to hear those words and understand all the feelings tearing the genius apart.
As the moon grew higher in the sky, no trace of the monster showed. Itachi started to wonder if he had lost his way in the woods. The forest of Konoha was slightly different from the time they visited after Sandaime's demise. What if Kisame took a wrong turn and was searching for the water for hours? Or were his words to vague? It was a long river after all.
Or maybe he was still occupied, probably by the Mizukage woman. Itachi could almost imagine the chuckle and curvy-eyed smile she'd send his way. He remembered seeing her touching his muscular arms this afternoon and a new wave of jealousy almost overwhelmed him. He felt the heat start low in his belly and quickly rose to his chest, robbing him of air. His mind automatically applied the route to where the Mizukage and her court were resting. Perhaps Itachi should pay them a visit and find out what was really going on.
He stopped himself at that thought. No matter how grand his desire was to look into Kisame's eyes and have certainty that it was his lover, he would not act like a hormone crazed fan-girl. Despite his desperation and temper, he was still an Uchiha. He still had enough pride and self-esteem to not chase after a man simply because of his groin swelling every time he thought of him.
Just as Itachi's apparent infinite patience closed in on its edge, a similar chakra signature entered his vicinity. Itachi snapped his eyes open with force and half fell and half jumped from the low branch he was sitting on. With eyes glowing red, the genius faced the new-comer that pushed through the hedgerows. In pale darkness, only the reflection on the hitai-ate around his neck betrayed his position.
Itachi didn't remember ever being this happy to see anyone. His feet moved faster than he had commanded and carried him towards the man who welcomed him with open arms. He lunged himself into the warm embrace and could almost gasp at the reunion. Kisame's lips found his as strong arms lifted him from the ground. He wrapped his legs around the lean waist and closed his eyes to prevent the falling tears.
It had to be real, Itachi thought. No other man on earth could kiss him with such sincerity and force. No man who didn't love him from the depth of their heart could overwhelm him with such devotion. He felt the world whirl around him. His back connected with the rough surface of the nearest tree as a large warm body pressed him against it. He felt Kisame's growing arousal and couldn't help but smile at it.
He wanted to gasp out the gentle words he had carefully auditioned but couldn't keep his lips from Kisame's. He wanted to push the man back for a closer look, but didn't want to feel the cold that could only be driven away by Kisame's warmth. He leaned his head against the tree, allowing the big warrior to caress his neck. He wanted to take time, but the urges were to pressing.
"Now!" He half gasped and half whispered. He pushed at Kisame's jacket again, this time determinate to bring it to an end.
"Not before I have my answers," Kisame gasped, biting at Itachi's little neck. "Itachi-san, tell me the truth."
"What is the question?" The genius whispered, hands digging deep into Kisame's hair. With the eagerness of a teenager, Itachi would have said anything. "Kisame, what do you want to hear?"
"How is this possible?" Kisame caught Itachi's hand from his hair and directed them down. He pressed the younger boy against the tree, while golden eyes stared into red ones. "What is going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"Please just answer, Itachi-san." Kisame sounded as if the genius knew exactly what he was talking about. "We don't have much time."
"We would have it if you appeared sooner."
"I was occupied."
"By the Mizukage?" Itachi could smell the food and sake on him. It irked him the wrong way that Kisame was enjoying himself while he waited with torturing thoughts.
"She's my boss."
"You like her," the boy hissed. The words came out too direct to be polite. But Itachi enjoyed the uncertainty dancing in Kisame's eyes. "You... you fancy her."
The bigger man barked out a laugh. Itachi's face darkened with a blush that had nothing to do with their compromising closeness. He tried to suppress the anger that so often drove him to rash decision. Though no more spiteful lecture spouted from his mouth, he didn't care controlling his facial expression.
"Did you..." Itachi couldn't finish the thought. He always assumed that Terumi Mei was one-sided on her amorous pursuit with Kisame staying true to him. Simply the thought of Kisame being involved with another blinded him with jealousy. "Are you..." he tried to ask but suddenly found his throat dry. "Is she..."
"She?" Kisame wondered. "You mean Mei? "
"Mei..." The genius pushed away from the tree with his inhuman strength. He pressed the bigger swordsman to the nearest surface he could find, which happened to be another tree, and hissed. "What does she mean to you?"
"What?"
"Terumi! What does she mean to you?" The shape of his eyes sharpened into the three-bladed shuriken. If Kisame wasn't his, he would make him his.
"Itachi-san," Kisame placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're forgetting yourself."
"I don't care!" Itachi snapped. "I do not tolerate any competitors!"
"For what?"
"You!"
Kisame's eyes widened for a moment. A crooked grin reappeared on his masculine face. Kisame wrapped around Itachi's waist and exchanged their positions with a smooth motion.
"You have no equal, Itachi-san." his words came out as a gasp. It was full of admiration and longing. "You are unique and singular. In all my years, I've not met anyone like you." He paused, eyes trailing down to Itachi's lips. He touched it slightly with his thumb and whispered again. "You have moved me in a way I never expected to be moved. I'll be no one's, but yours."
He must have absolute certainty. He had to know that this man had already been his and was his now.
Kisame sighed. "Is it not enough that I'm here, now?"
"It is not the present I long for." Fear caught him. How could he be certain? How could he coax the words he so desperately wanted to hear? "I need to be sure."
Kisame drew air through his nose, an exasperated expression on his face. "I hated you." The Monster pushed away and Itachi froze. "I hated you for leaving me. You abandoned me in a world that mean absolutely nothing to me. You left me drained and empty. After all I've done for you, you just walked away." His large hands caught Itachi's face and lifted it up towards him. "Do you have any idea what you meant to me? Did you ever see me with your cursed eyes? Did you ever love me? Even just a little?"
"Kisame," Itachi gasped. He wanted to say that he had heard enough and was ready to atone for his past mistakes but the bigger man interrupted him.
"I gave you everything that was mine to give. You had me, in every possible way. My trust, my loyalty, even my heart!" Kisame was louder now, his words coming out fast. "I cared for you more than I cared for anything else! I would have done anything you asked. And all you repaid me with were lies upon lies! Can you imagine how I felt, seeing you dead before me and listening to the truth you denied me? Can you imagine the pain I suffered knowing that after all those years, I meant nothing to you."
"That's not true!"
"Don't deny it now, Itachi-san!" Kisame turned from him. "Don't lie to me again!"
"I don't intend to!"
"One more lie, and I swear I'll kill you!"
Itachi swallowed hard. This wasn't how he had imagined this. After all the hours he sat there, he had never calculated Kisame's feelings. He only thought about his own guilt, but not Kisame's wrath. Even when he dreamed about giving his body to his lover, it was the urge that drove him. He suddenly realized that even in that case, he had always considered his own body a gift to be bestowed upon.
He gasped and cursed himself. Lingering in self-pity, he didn't even consider Kisame's feelings. He even had the audacity to demand fidelity after discarding his lover so.
"I'm so sorry!" Itachi gasped, feeling his throat growing tight with coming tears. He blinked them away and forced his voice to stay calm. "But believe me, Kisame, you were not meaningless to me."
"Your actions spoke otherwise."
"I was wrong!" Itachi snapped. "I did a lot of things wrong for I was a lesser man than I am today."
"You are arrogant."
"And it is my greatest flaw, I realize that." He tried to approach, but stopped as Kisame moved away further. The Sharkman still wouldn't look at him. "Kisame, when I learned of your passing, I mourned you."
"How?" Kisame jerked around.
"My soul was summoned to the world where I was used as a weapon." Itachi explained. "I encountered a shinobi from Kumo, carrying Samehada."
"And what did you feel?" Kisame hissed.
Itachi lowered his head as shame rose in him. Back then, he was so occupied with strategy, mourning Kisame took barely a minute. "I had to kill my feelings for otherwise they would have killed me." Itachi said truthfully. "I had no choice. War was raging and I had to do the right thing."
"Do the right thing!" Kisame spat. "You chose to leave me because of your so magnanimous compulsion to do the right thing! You are so blinded by your noble cause you failed to see the ones you left behind. You might not care for the hatred you caused, but I was the one enduring it! I was the one to wake up every morning after your passing, seeing your empty spot and remembering how you made me watch you fade for years. I cursed you, Itachi-san! I hated you until the moment I died, because you, you gorgeous little shit took the most beautiful thing out of my life!"
The tears that rolled down Itachi's face couldn't be stopped. He wiped it away quickly. For once in his life, he was truly confused. "So, do you still hate me?"
"With all my passion."
He smothered a sniffle. "Is this why you asked to see me?"
Kisame nodded.
Itachi had to suppress a crying fit. It was as if someone punched him in his gut and set fire to his insides. It was a hurt that had nothing to do with injuries. It was as if his heart was being broken again. Itachi had trouble breathing. He felt his knees buckle and fought against it. He clung to the tree behind him, trying not to fall. His vision blurred, making him dizzy and numb.
"I..." he tried to speak but couldn't form sensible words. He tried to focus but too many thoughts attacked him. It was as if his life passed by his eyes again, showing him the moments he so missed and craved. "I'm sorry." He eventually breathed, feeling suddenly weak and vulnerable. "I didn't know... I was... I'm sorry, Kisame."
"Words won't change what happened."
"I understand," Itachi murmured. That was it. He had the chance and it was lost. He had his Kisame but had to let go again. After all he had done to this man, what right did he have to claim him again. "If that's your choice," he suppressed new tears. "I'll respect it."
"Are you crying?" Kisame snapped around, looking surprised. "Because of me?"
"I..." He turned away quickly, wiping at his tears. His cheeks felt irritated, both by shame and hurt. "I don't want you to see me like this. I should leave..." he sniffed. "I'm sorry to bother you. I'm so sorry. But know... that you meant much to me. Apart from my brother... you were the only one I loved."
"Are you manipulating me again?" Kisame sneered.
"That's not my intention," he explained.
"Do you think your tears will move me?"
Itachi was already beyond taunt. He felt no anger at Kisame's accusation, only the pain of mistrust. Taking in a breath, Itachi killed his emotion again. "No," he said, voice dark, but still shaking slightly. "I had no control of them. That will not happen again. And if that's your wish, I'll go. It was wrong of me to think you would want me again."
"I admire your ability to disguise yourself." Kisame shook his head, disappointment filling his feature. "You still haven't learned. I don't want you to leave! I want your honesty! I want to hear what you're really feeling!"
"What I'm feeling?"
"Yes! Human beings have those! Do you even know what it is?"
Itachi's fist was faster than his mouth. It connected with Kisame's jaw with a loud jab, echoing through the night. Itachi felt his own fingers burn with hurt as Kisame spat blood onto the ground.
"How could you say that, Kisame?" Itachi hissed. "If you claim to know the truth about me, then you know of the feelings in my heart! Not one day did I live without them. It tore me apart! Do you seriously believe that I cherish the hate of those I loved? Do you seriously believe that I walked away from you without feeling any pain?"
"Funny way to show it."
Itachi's restraint had limits and he was close to it. "I hated the idea of leaving you! I hated the lies I had to tell you. Believe me, I hated myself for the things I did to you. And I am truly sorry. You might take my retreat for indifference, but that's not true."
"Truth is only a matter of circumstance," Kisame only replied. "I learned that from you. As much as I desire for us to be reunited, the circumstance has changed, Itachi-san. I am not the monster I used to be and you not the murderer I loved. If this cruel wink of fate showed me one thing, it would be never to believe a word you say. Of all the liars I encountered in my life, lives, you are the best of them. You lied to everyone, to Madara, to Pain, to me and yourself." Kisame sighed and shook his head. "It is time I accept that the life we believe we had was nothing but an illusion. It's time I go on. Perhaps I can be an honorable man this time. As for you," he snorted, "you do what you do best, Itachi-san."
Itachi was unused to not having the last word. As far as long he could remember, he was the most powerful man wherever he stood. All people looked up to him and none dared to antagonize him as Kisame just did. It was always painful to have the most ugly part of your soul laid out before your very eyes. In his anger, and exactly as Kisame said, Itachi chose to do the one thing he did best.
"As you wish!" He snarled and let his body separated into crows. As he flew over the dark forest, Itachi tried to tell himself that if Kisame didn't want him, he would be done with it and concentrate on what was important. He would not chase after Kisame and humiliate himself. He would not cry and hurt. He would not feel a thing and let the past be the past.
After all, lying was easy.