Chapter 4
Cooking With the Bone Heads
"Sans!" Papyrus yelled as he was standing, pointing at a sock by the stairway, while his brother, Sans, lounged around of the couch with his phone, making bad puns related to skeletons on Facebook and posting a bunch of comments on that post, all of them just saying 'so cool'. "How many times must I ask you to pick up your sock?"
"What're ya talking about?" Sans questioned as he continued to chuckle as he continued to post the same comment on his own post over and over and over again. "I picked it up two days ago when you first asked me to, remember?"
"No! I mean pick it up and move it!" Papyrus shouted. "You picked it up and just put it right back where it was!"
"I did too move it." Sans said. He didn't seem at all stressed or concerned about what Papyrus was telling him. "I moved it exactly one and a half inches from its original spot to the spot that it's in now."
"Will you just pick up your sock, and move it to your room?!" Papyrus yelled. "And DON'T bring it back to this spot!"
"Meh, maybe later." he said lazily. "I'm busy right now."
"No you're not!" Papyrus shouted as he was being driven insane by Sans's lazy habits. "You're so lazy, Sans!"
There was a knock on the door. "Ugh... Sans, can you get that?" Papyrus asked.
"Uh... why would I do that?" Sans questioned as he remained on the couch. "You're already up anyway, and you're closer to the door."
"Oh come on. Can't you get off the couch for five seconds just to open the door?" Papyrus questioned.
"'Ey, 'ey, 'ey." Sans said. "Papyrus... let me put it like this... I get two legal breaks from my two jobs. I've only got a limited time before I have to get back to work. Five seconds to get up and answer the door would be... five seconds that I take away from my break. I work really hard to earn all these breaks I get, and I want to be able to have every second of it."
"My God, Sans. You're soooooo lazy." Papyrus said as he groaned as he opened the door. "Oh! Frisk! We weren't expecting you here." he said cheerfully as he saw Frisk standing there by the door. "What can I do for-"
He didn't know what to think as Frisk began to cry loudly and hugged Papyrus's legs. Hearing the crying, even Sans couldn't help but look away from his phone and look at her. "...You." Papyrus finished as she continued to cry.
"Frisk?" Sans questioned as he sat up on the couch. He didn't really get up, but to the very least he did move a little bit. "What's going on? What are you doing here?"
"H-help me! Please help me!" Frisk said as she looked up at Papyrus with tears streaming down. "Asgore and I! W-we were attacked! W-we almost got killed! We-"
"Hey, hey, calm down human child." Papyrus said as he put his hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, you're safe here with us... where's Asgore right now?"
"I... I don't know." she said. "He told me to come here after the attack... he said that it wasn't safe for me... that Chara would come back and find me if I didn't come here."
"Who's Chara?" Sans questioned. The name sounded familiar, but he couldn't say for sure.
"He... he was the one that attacked Asgore and I... I don't know what to do... I..." She gave a cry and snuggled close to Papyrus.
Papyrus gave a sigh and petted her hair gently. "It's alright, Frisk... we're not going to let anybody hurt you." he said as he opened the door a bit wider. "Come on in. You look like you could really use a place to rest."
Frisk gave a slow nod and thanked Papyrus as she slowly walked in, her shoes filthy and her legs obviously sore. "...Did you walk the whole way here by yourself?" he questioned.
Frisk looked down and nodded in response. "I had no other way to get here." she said. "I didn't know anybody that could have driven me here, and I don't have anything else to get here..."
"You had no other way to get here?" Papyrus questioned as he had her sit on the chair. "That's at least an hour's walk... why didn't you just give a call to us? I would have been more than willing to drive you over here if you'd just ask."
Frisk remained quiet for a couple seconds as she sit there, getting her shoes off. "I... I didn't think about that." she said honestly. "I was in such a panic, and I knew I had to get here... I didn't think about that..."
Sans gave a sigh and stood up. "Well... to the very least, I can give a call to Toriel, tell her that you're here with us." he said as he looked at the clock. "...In the meantime, why don't you get the kid a bowl of spaghetti or something, Papyrus? She's probably starving." To this, Frisk couldn't really hide her shudder. She had remembered tasting Papyrus's cooking once before on their 'date', and the taste of it was indescribable. There were no words to describe how awful it tasted... but she was able to choke it down so Papyrus's feelings wouldn't be hurt.
"Alrighty then!" Papyrus said pretty happily. He was happy to be with Frisk again. "You wait right here while I start making the food, Frisk. My culinary art skills have improved quite a lot, and I'm sure that you'll fine your pasta to be almost as great as me. Nyeh heh heh heh heh!"
Both Sans and Frisk watched as Papyrus walked into the kitchen to get started. Sans looked back to Frisk and apologized, saying, "I'm sorry I gotta put you through with that... hopefully his cooking is actually edible this time around." he said as he got the phone and dialed the number and waited for someone to pick up.
"Uh... which button do you press to answer this thing?" came Asgore's voice as he continued to press the buttons of the phone. "Hellooo?"
"Asgore." Sans said. "Where's Toriel? Is she ok?"
"Hellooooooo?" Asgore said again as more button presses were heard. At this rate, he's going to press the button to end the call.
"Uh... Asgore-"
"Gah. Cursed device." Asgore said. "It doesn't work at all like Toriel said."
Sans gave a groan and pinched the bridge of his nose... which he didn't really have.. Asgore must not have had the phone to his ear. "You don't need to press anything, Asgore." he said, making sure he was louder so Asgore could hear him. "You already answered it."
"Oh." came Asgore's voice as he nodded. "Ah, there you are. I was wondering why this thing wasn't answering."
"Uhh... you already..." Sans started. "...Ah never mind. Where's Toriel? Is she around?"
"Uh... yeah, she is. I can get her for you if you want."
"No, that won't be necessary." Sans said. "I just wanted to make sure that she was alright, and she was somewhere where you could easily tell her that we call-"
It was too late, however, and Sans could hear Asgore calling out for Toriel. "Toriel! Sans is on the phone!" he called out to her.
"Sans is on the phone?!" came Toriel's voice in the background. "Here! Give me the phone! Let me talk to him!"
"Hold on, Tori. I want to talk to him too."
"I have to find out if my child is safe! Give me the freaking phone!"
"But i want to know if she's safe too. I want to talk to Sans too."
"Oh... alright, fine. Just put it on speaker."
"Alright... uh..." There was a bit of a pause and Sans gave a little roll of his eyes. At this rate, he wouldn't be able to tell anything to them.
"...Come on! Put it on speaker!" Toriel's voice was heard.
"How do I put it on speaker?" came Asgore's voice.
"Oh my God." Toriel said. "How do you not know how to put a phone on speaker?!"
"I've never used one of these things before." Asgore said defensively. "You can't expect me to know all of these things."
"Oh for the love of... here. Let me see that."
Sans just gave a sigh and facepalmed. He was trying to tell them a very serious issue, and the two of them were trying to figure out how to put the phone on speaker. "At this rate, I'm going to be ancient by the time they figure out how to work that thing..." he quietly thought to himself. Sans usually wasn't this serious, but if this situation was as big as he thinks it is, then he has to take it seriously.
Eventually Toriel's voice came on. "Hello?" she questioned. "Sans? Are you there?"
"I think so..." Sans said in a bit of a bored matter as he looked at the clock, checking to see how many minutes that took. "Did you find out how to put the phone on speaker now?"
There was a bit of an awkward silence that came up from that. Sans could mentally picture Toriel just staring at Asgore, impatiently waiting for him to give an answer. "...Oh... uh..." Asgore said, obviously trying to think of something to change the subject. "...You... were calling us about something?"
"Uh... yeah." Sans said, deciding to just ignore the question he asked a little bit ago. "Uh... I'm calling to let you know that Frisk just arrived at our house."
"She did?!" Toriel's voice came. "Is my child alright?!"
"Uh... yeah, she's alright, I think... she walked the entire way here, and... she's pretty tired... obviously pretty scared as well."
"Put her on the phone then!" Toriel exclaimed. "Let us talk to her!"
"Alright, alright." Sans said as he gave a groan at how loud Toriel was at the moment, and walked over to Frisk. "Uh... here, it's Asgore and Toriel." he said. "You... might want to hold the phone a little bit away from your ear."
"Thank you." Frisk said as she took the phone, not really sure what Sans meant by wanting to hold the phone a bit away from her ear. She put it right to her ear and watched as Sans just shook his head and leaned against the wall, just waiting for Frisk to find out what he was talking about. "...Hello?"
"FRISK!" Toriel's voice blasted through the phone. The sudden loud yell caused Frisk to accidentally toss the phone up in the air. It fell and she tried to catch it, the phone bouncing up her hands in a juggle after each attempt, like a cartoon.
After a couple of seconds, Frisk was able to catch the phone and held it to her ear again, but made sure that she had a couple inches of distance. "Told you." Sans said with a roll of his eyes.
Frisk gave a nod and Toriel's voice continued to blast through the phone. "Oh Frisk! I'm so glad to hear you're ok!"
Asgore's voice was then heard, filled with the same relief and joy, but luckily not as loud and flamboyant as Toriel's. "It's so great to know you're ok, child. Did you have any complications getting to Sans's house?"
"No." Frisk said with a shake of her head. "I'm really tired, but... I didn't run into anybody while getting there." Frisk said. "I'm in the house right now... Papyrus is cooking some spaghetti for me right now."
There was a bit of silence. "...You... you're letting Papyrus cook for you?" Asgore questioned.
"...Is... is that a bad thing?" Toriel questioned.
"Uh... have you ever had Papyrus's cooking before?" Asgore questioned.
"I did... a couple of times." Frisk said with a hum. She gave a shudder as she remembered the flavor of the spaghetti that Papyrus had cooked her for their 'date'. The taste of it was so indescribably bad, that it couldn't even be put into words. "I... I'm sure that it's better than it was at that time, Asgore. I mean, Sans himself said that his cooking had gotten much better since we came here."
She then looked at Sans to make sure she was right about that. "...Well..." he said with a little shrug. "It's... semi-edible."
Frisk gave a shudder and a little groan, quiet enough that neither Asgore nor Toriel didn't hear her on the phone. "I just hope you're right on that." Asgore said as he went on. "I remember Papyrus once cooking for me while he and Undyne were once training, to test out what Papyrus had learned in his cooking lessons with Undyne. The taste of it was... I can't even describe it. Like... that one time where I ate that butterscotch cinnamon pie that had buttercups instead of cups of butter... I got sick for a few days from that, but Papyrus's spaghetti... that was even worse than that. I was sick for about a week or so."
The descriptions were not at all helping Frisk, as she began to slowly dread more and more how the cooking might turn out, from a combination of past experiences, Sans saying that Papyrus's cooking was only semi-edible now, and Asgore's story of bad pasta making him more sick than a piece of pie that poisoned him. She literally felt some bile coming up from her stomach with just the mere thought, and had to cover her mouth to keep herself from getting sick.
She was able to choke back the vomit and tried to sound as non disturbed and optimistic as possible. "I... I'm sure it will be fine." she said.
"Well... alright." Asgore said. "...Do you mind if we speak to Sans for a bit?"
"No... not at all." Frisk said, trying to erase the thoughts of possibly poisonous spaghetti out of her head.
"Are you ok?" Sans questioned as Frisk was lowering the phone from her ear. "You seem a little... green right now."
"Yes, I'm fine." she lied as she gave a groan and held the phone up to Sans. "Mom and Asgore want to talk to you."
Sans gave a nod and looked at Frisk again and pointed his finger to his left. "Bathroom's over there, if you need it."
"Thank you." Frisk said as she hurriedly got up from the chair and ran to the bathroom.
Sans gave a sigh and sat on the chair that Frisk had just gotten up from and put the phone to his nonexistent ear. "What can I do for you now?" he questioned. "If it involves telling you about a function of the phone, I'm afraid I can't help you there."
"Sans, call Undyne and Alphys." Toriel said. "Asgore and I are coming over."
"Coming to my house? Why?" Sans questioned. "I don't know if we have enough room to accommodate for seven people at a time."
"Sans, we need to come up with a plan." Asgore said. "All of us, especially Frisk, are in grave danger now that Chara is back and looking for her."
"Chara?" Sans questioned. He looked up and crossed his legs as he tried to remember where he had just heard that name not too long ago. "Chara... Chara... oh, right! He's the one that attacked Frisk earlier, huh?"
"Yes, that's him." Toriel said. "We need to have a plan to keep Chara from getting to Frisk. I can't have my child hurt by him."
"But why Frisk?" Sans questioned. "What exactly did Frisk do to this Chara character to have him go out after her?"
"We don't know... he claims that she and her made a deal, but Frisk says that the two of them had never met until now..." Asgore said. "...We'll explain everything when we get there. Just make sure Frisk stays safe."
Sans gave a nod. "I'll leave a call to Undyne and Alphys." he said. "If this Chara fellow shows up at any time, I'll make sure he has a really bad time." He hung up the phone with that message and put the phone back.
He would give the call to the others later. He decided while Frisk was in the bathroom, he would take a look in the kitchen, make sure that Papyrus was doing ok. "Better make sure Papyrus isn't smashing the tomatoes all over the wall again." he said as he opened the door to the kitchen.
He saw that little white Annoying Dog that somehow gets into the house an awful lot running around the kitchen, with one of Papyrus's bones from his bone collection in its mouth. Papyrus chased it all around, holding a wooden spoon in his right hand while his left hand was pointing at the dog. "Catch that meddlesome canine!"
Sans was thinking about helping Papyrus out, but decided against it as he didn't feel like having to run for the dog. He instead just watched the dog as it ran past Sans, escaping with yet another one of Papyrus's bones. "Curses!" Papyrus exclaimed. "How dare that dog steal another one of my bones!"
Sans gave a hum. "Yes... quite the slippery dog." he said with a hum as he saw his trombone leaning against the wall in there. "Well... you know what that means." he said as he took the trombone and got the mouthpiece to his lips.
"Sans... I'm warning you right now." Papyrus said. "Don't you even dare think about playing that incidental musi-"
Sans blew him off, however, as he began to play a wamp-wamp-wamp with his trombone. "Oh... you know I hate it when you do that."
"Oh? Is that so?" Sans questioned. "So you're saying that you don't find my actions... humerus?" He chuckled at his pun.
Papyrus gave a groan. He looked back at the door and saw Frisk just standing at the doorway. "Frisk!" he said. "You should be sitting down and resting. You're pretty worn out from the walk here."
"Yes... but... I was... a... wondering..." Frisk said as she looked at the wooden spoon in Papyrus's hand. "Uh... we... haven't hung out in quite some time... so... I was wondering... do you think... I could... cook with you?" she questioned.
Papyrus looked at her for a minute before giving his chuckle. "Nyeh heh heh! That sounds like a splendid idea!" he said happily. "You'll get a little culinary lesson from I, Master Chef Papyrus! I'll go get the cooking utensils now!" He went over to the covers to get some things he'd need to cook spaghetti.
Sans gave a hum and whispered in Frisk's ear. "Good move. Maybe if you're cooking with him, the food won't taste so bad."
Frisk gave a nod. That was her plan and her hope. She didn't really feel like getting sick because of eating a plate spaghetti.
Papyrus came back with a chef's hat and a couple pots. "Alright. Now gather around, and watch I, Master Chef Papyrus, conjure a serving of pasta like never before! Nyeh heh heh heh!"
"That's for damn sure." Sans muttered under his breath.
"Alright. First and foremost, we'll start with the sauce." Papyrus said as he got a big mixing bowl. "Of course, to start any great spaghetti sauce, we need our ingredients." He took out a bunch of things, only a couple of them looking like they should ever go into a spaghetti sauce. "Let's see... tomatoes... herbs, for extra flavor and fanciness... wood shavings, for extra texture... chalk, to add in some calcium to build strong bones... cleaned snail shells, to give it that elegant crunch and meaty taste, and finally some sour cream, to make sure it's nice and thick."
Frisk gave a groan when she heard the ingredients. She felt like she could be sick at that very moment. "Alright then! Let's get started on the sauce!"
"Uh... maybe you should let the kid take care of the sauce." Sans said. "You know... have a shot at making her own sauce."
"And why is that, Sans?" Papyrus questioned.
"Well you know, your cooking is just so... well... 'awesome and cool'... but perhaps Frisk has different tastes than we all do." Sans said. "You know... with us being skeletons and her being a human, we don't know if she likes the same flavors that we do... so if she's going to eat this, perhaps she should have a chance to make something of it that she would like."
Frisk looked at Sans. Considering there were such things as butterscotch, fries and burgers in the Underground, the tastes of humans and monsters couldn't have been that different... but then again, if it got her out of having to choke down spaghetti made of chalk and snail shells, she would play along.
"Hmmmm... that wouldn't make much sense to me, since she seems to really like my cooking..." Papyrus said, which kind of made Frisk regret pretending she loved his cooking those times. "...But then again, perhaps I could get a taste of what human spaghetti tastes like... yes, that's a good idea, Sans. We'll let Frisk make the sauce."
Frisk looked at the ingredients. "...Uh... I... don't know how to make spaghetti sauce." she said with a look down and a bit of an embarrassed blush to be put on the spotlight like that.
"Oh, you don't?" Sans questioned. "Well, no worries then. I came prepared." He went into a drawer and pulled out a container of Prego spaghetti sauce.
"What?!" Papyrus exclaimed as he looked at Sans. "Store bought spaghetti sauce?! What sort of prank are you pulling on me?!"
"Relax, bro." Sans said as he put the container on the counter. "I got that in the event of me having to eat here while you weren't around. I'm sure it tastes just the same as the sauce you make."
To that Papyrus lost his anger and only chuckled. "Oh, Sans. Ignorant in the arts of cooking." he said. "One day, I hope you'll be able to find that food has much better taste when you put more work into it... however, for the sake of trying what human spaghetti tastes like, and since my good friend doesn't know how to make spaghetti sauce, I, Master Chef Papyrus, will allow it just this one time."
Frisk gave a nod and mouthed a thank you to Sans when Papyrus wasn't looking. Sans just gave a nod and a little wink as he looked at Papyrus. "Alright, since we got the sauce already prepared, how about we move on to the pasta?"
"Yes, of course!" he said and walked and began to fill the pot with water. "The pasta is just as important as the sauce. For without the pasta, what would the spaghetti sauce have to share its flavor with?" He got the pot to the stove and began to heat the water. "We let the water boil for a while. Meanwhile, I'll get the noodles that we'll be using."
Sans nodded and watched Papyrus go into the pantry. "...So... how've you been doing kid?" he questioned. "You know... aside from having some some psychopath chasing out at you for no reason... how's life been so far?"
"Well... not too good, really." Frisk said. "I've been having a bunch of nightmares that have been leading up to Chara attacking me today... I haven't really been doing very good at school, because I can't keep awake at school."
"School? What do you need school for?" Papyrus said and turned to her. "I mean, I never went to school, and look at me. I'm a genius!"
"Papyrus, you couldn't even solve a Junior Jumble puzzle to save your life." Sans said.
"Those puzzles are extremely difficult! You remember the human saying that jumbo was much harder than crossword!"
"Riiiiight... how could I forget?" Sans said with a roll of his eyes.
Papyrus came back with a couple boxes of angel hair pasta. "Now, unlike the spaghetti sauce, I've found that homemade pasta has no significant differences when compared to the store bought pasta, so the pasta is fine to use store bought."
"Thank God." Frisk muttered as she gave a sigh of relief.
"What was that?" Papyrus questioned as he looked at Frisk.
"Uhh... nothing." she said with a shake of her head. "Nothing."
Papyrus gave a nod. "Alright then. We'll let the water boil so that it's ready for the pasta... uh.. let's see..."
Frisk gave a hum. "...We could make a few meatballs to put into the spaghetti." she suggested.
"Meatballs?" Papyrus questioned. "...What are meatballs?"
"Uh... they're these balls of meat that go with spaghetti sauce." Frisk said. "They're really good."
"Ah. A new addition to spaghetti? That sounds like an excellent idea!" Papyrus exclaimed and then went to the fridge to look for some meats. "And what kind of meat do they use for meatballs? Dog? Cat? Snail?"
"...Uh... I don't know... ground beef?" Frisk questioned.
"Beef, hm?... What animal do you get beef from?"
"Uh... never mind with the meatballs." Frisk said as she sat down. "I'm sure that it will be just fine without them."
"Alright then. Sans. Why don't you see if the water is done boiling while I start heating up this store bought spaghetti sauce?" Papyrus said. "...Sans?..."
When Papyrus and Frisk looked, they saw Sans with his head down on the table with his eyes closed, taking a nap. "...Sans! You can't be serious!" Papyrus shouted. "Sleeping while I, the great Papyrus, am trying to give you and Frisk a lesson in culinary arts?!"
Frisk just gave a sigh and shook her head. She honestly couldn't wait until Asgore and Toriel get there.